My boyfriend has a trust issue with me, how can I help him?

[lights_and_love]

I think it is due to his past relationship where his ex left him for another guy. He also has low self esteem issue time  and again. I think these are the reasons. We love each other so much but this is causing our relationship to shrink. How can I help him?

[Nighthawk61]

Short answer? Don't enable him. If his issues are out of control and ruining your sense of peace, insist he get help or you're out of there. Do this for you because you deserve your best life, and do this for him, because he deserves his best life. If your help, what you can do for him, was helping him the way he and you need it to, we wouldn't be having this conversation. He would already have been helped. So you know you cannot fix this. It's time for tough love so that he can get real help for his issues. Currently, he is not yet ready for a relationship. If you plan on sticking around, i would make it casual until you know he's capable of getting over the issues, and carrying on.

Unless he does, he will be like a drowning man, and will drag you under with him. What good would come of you both suffering? You can love again, believe me. If it takes your walking away for him to see he needs help, then do that for him. His choice. While you're still there, or after you're gone, bottom line,  he needs professional help above your experience.  

[Nighthawk61]

I ditto all the ideas these folks have put out there for you. I'm glad that you recognize that these unresolved issues are affecting your relationship negatively. That's a good place to start, when suggesting to him that he get help for his trust and self esteem issues. If a person had heart disease you would expect them, as your partner, to do whatever it took to not leave you a lonely widow, and it's no different with addictions, or self esteem issues or trust issues. A person owes it to their mate to get the help they need from the right source (not you as you have not studied these issues and can not impart practical advice as a specialist could). I agree that if he's unwilling to get help, i would cut my losses, and get out before you invest any more of your time into this relationship. In fact, if he goes and is unable to be helped i still suggest that you leave. Why have two sick people (you and him) by staying when you could be free to have a happy life. It may seem cruel to you, but what you have to understand is this - simply, if you do not insist a person get help for their problems, then you are in fact enabling them to be sick. If you stood by him refusing treatment or not giving it his all, all you're going to do is waste your time. Nothing changes if nothing changes.  If and when he does get therapy, there may come a time that you can talk to the therapist and share with her how you and he are doing in your relationship. In other words, when dealing with a person with a crisis, it may be deemed worthwhile for you to have couples therapy to be sure that there is nothing unhealthy or questionable happening in the relationship. (that you're not being taken advantage of or enabling him in his sickness). Good luck, let us know what you do. It's a hard position to be in. If you have one foot out the door, please yourself and go if you must. Lovingly tell him that he needs therapeutic help for his trust issues and self esteem issues prior to becoming involved in a relationship. Tell him that until he does that, likely it will be a question of too little too late, if he's in a relationship and breaking up is just so hard to through. Ask him why he would do that to himself instead of dealing with his issues when single. Okay? All the best and looking forward to how you're faring.

[ZonnyC]

You can't help him.  In fact, he probably should have addressed this issue before starting a relationship with you.  Do you think he would be open to getting professional help?  Only a therapist can help him sort this out; you can't.

[RockRose]

I don't know that you can.  For some reason,  there are people who will basically tell you,  "I've been treated badly,  so I'm going to forgive myself for being a bad partner and expect you to understand when I don't treat you well".  

Nope.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Ditto RockRose

[specialmom]

Some guys become controlling and it is called a trust issue. Make sure that isn't the case here because that will get old fast.  Love doesn't conquer all and constantly reassuring an insecure guy is no way to be in a relationship.  IF he has trust issues in general, that is for HIM to overcome through therapy.  It's not your problem to constantly make him feel better.  And if he is unwilling to see it that way or work on it with a professional to get it together, I'd end things.  Because relationships like this end up being miserable.  good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

Ditto SpecialMom