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My boyfriend is a serious porn addict and is effecting our relationship...
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My boyfriend is a serious porn addict and is effecting our relationship!

I have gotten to the point where i just want to leave him.. we've known each other for about 7 yrs but we got together last year... i knew he would occasionally watch porn, i would watch it with him.. We moved in together about 8 mnths ago, and thats wen i started noticing, it was not occasional.. he has a favorite website that is free, and visits it about 8xs a day..  i confronted him about it how it makes me feel like im not good enough and i dont like it.. he says "well thats to bad cuz ALL men do it" i do understand that, but hes not single he has me if hes in the mood.. he doesnt need his hand and other women to look at...  i eventually got over it until one night... my daughter was asleep n i was lying next to her, he was laying on the couch about 5 ft away from the bed... i saw his legs moving quite alot, so i kinda snuck around the couch to see porn on the laptop with him under the sheets playing with himself... i was like are you kidding me!? first my daughter is right in the room, second I AM  ALSO IN THE ROOM if he was so in the mood, why would he choose the porn over an actual vagina? i started crying so i went outside... he didnt come out to talk to me till he was "done" -_-  he told me he has a problem for me to block porn sites on the laptop... so i did.. ever since i did, he pretty much begs me to give him the password everyday... at least 3xs a day...  its been blocked for 3 mnths, found out he has some videos saved on his USB, so i deleted everything... today i was on frost wire n saw at least 50 videos that he downloaded within a 3 day span... and saved them on his portable hard drive... he saw me with the hard drive and literaly ran to me and was trying to wrestle it out of my hands... Its like he cares  more about watching porn, than my own feelings... PORN is number one to him.. he will argue n fight to keep at it... i threatend to leave and he says ok just turn off all the lights when yur done.. what should i do?!
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Avatar_f_tn
First of all - it is not true that "all Men do it"

He is showing You that the porn has priority and THAT would be enough for me!!  

Personally, I differ with many here on the term porn "addiction" in the first place....I consider it an OBSESSION rather than an ADDICTION.  And a very, very selfish obsession!!  I wonder if porn obsession is a form of "self " love as these porn "stars" are basically inanimate objects and the viewer has to stroke himself (so to speak) cuz she's unavailable to do that for/with him - there's no Interaction, no Give and Take, no RELATIONSHIP - they just look at naked women and "do" themselves.   Who wants a Man like that when there are so many truly Wonderful, Sensitive, Loving, Caring Men out there - Men who want to interact with a Real Woman.  They really, really are out there, they really, really do exist.

"he will argue and fight to keep it"!!??  When You threatened to leave he said "ok, turn out the lights when Your done" !!??  What more do You need to realize this is a serious problem?

With his response to Your threat to leave I would dam* well make that threat my REALITY!!  I would take my Little Girl and I would be Gone!!

Let us know what You decide to do.  Good Luck.

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973741_tn?1342346373
If you threathened to leave and he said 'turn the lights off when your done" then what you should do is . .  .  is leave.

This is much simpler than it seems to you at this moment.  When a posts starts out "my boyfriend has a serious addiction . . . "----  well, that means that the person isn't healthy, right?  

And you've tried to talk to him about this-----  in fact, DEMANDED that he stop and have made it off limits and he still goes after it.  You haven't been unclear, have you?  He knows exactly how you feel and is telling you by his actions and words that he is not going to give it up.  

So, see, simple.  If you want a home that does not have porn in it and a boyfriend that is addicted to it or anything else----  then this is not the man for you.  

Now, I know it really isn't that simple when your mind and heart are not getting along----  your mind  knows the truth but your heart isn't there yet.  But rather than waste any more time with this guy, I'd encourage you to move on.  

Not ALL men watch porn by the way.  Some aren't into it.  And some just find it a passing thing they might look at once in a blue moon.  Eight times a day and when a child is in the room is clearly an issue.  Not a healthy guy.  

wishing you luck and peace
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1849593_tn?1321138262
thank yu for the advice... he saw that i was posting this, and i was crying and promised he wont look at it anymore... Im hoping its true :/

we have sex like 3xs a day, so i mean its not like we dont have any sexual relations... he says "men need visuals" and i say " yu have visual and interaction with me! helloooo! " makes me feel like im not pretty enough or skinny enough, which is stupid cuz im really skinny... i even put exotic outfits for him, well only 2 nights ive done that, and gave him a lap dance, which he really enjoyd... hes like really turned on by sluts and strippers who bang everyone...

idk if i should start acting like a **** with him (not literaly)
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Avatar_f_tn
''hes like really turned on by sluts and strippers who bang everyone...'' - Um... as Specialmom said this is not a healthy guy.... no... him promising this time not to view porn won't work... he'll just go underground with it like last time.

Do yourself a favour and find a normal guy who is not obsessed with porn, strippers and s*uts!!
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1268057_tn?1379102055
Hmmmmm.  Why are you defining what and how you should be according to what he thinks?  I am not exactly sure why so many women do this.  Plus, he is the one with the problem and you are trying to make it your fault?  Don't get that.  Doesn't matter if you are super thin and attractive or if you are even giving him sex all day long or you are wearing sexy lingerie or even if you were Angelina Jolie, he will still have this problem until he seeks PROFESSIONAL help.  You can't help him.  

He promised he won't look at it anymore because he saw you posting and you were crying?  I wish for your sake it was that easy.  I highly doubt he will never look at porn again.  Sounds like a person with an addiction making promises they can't keep.

You have a daughter.  Do you really want her exposed to this?  Really?  The episode with him masterbating (masturbating) to porn within close range of your daughter would have been enough for me to say "hey dude, you gotta go or I am going."   Then, actually execute what I said.  

Don't waste your youth on such nonsense and don't believe all that "bull" that all men look at porn; my husband doesn't and I don't either.  Find a man who you don't have to "fix" and "mold" into what he should be and what you want.  

I think you commented on someone else's post about having trust issues because of your childhood (father).  I am sure this is playing into you terrible choices in men.  Have you sought therapy for your issues?  Your own issues will affect your decision making which is not the best in this circumstance.  

Not trying to judge; just food for thought.  I think you and your daughter deserve better.  You don't want her growing up and having issues with men like you do because of this terrible choice for a "father-figure" do you?    
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Avatar_m_tn
Porn destroys relationships and often leads to temptation and then cheating.He has you to love and be intimate with,he shouldn,t need to be looking at porn.If he really loves you he will ditch the porn and focus on you and the relationship.He obviously is aware of how upset you are over all this.
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1808540_tn?1320118460
Clearly you should leave him. To do that in front of a child... wow! And you have to wrestle him, and he doesn't care that you cry about it. He has sex with you 3x a day, and watches porn 8x a day. My question is... where the hell is he having time to do anything else? This is a serious issue, and you don't need to deal with it. Especially when he doesn't care.
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973741_tn?1342346373
If someone who has a problem such as an unhealthy addiction makes a promise to their loved one-----------  it is not to be taken seriously.  Maybe he even 'wants' to hold true to the promise . . . but as he has an addiction/problem/issue/emotional downfall-----  if he doesn't seek professional help for it----  he CAN'T keep the promise.  

We date to find out what we need to know about someone before moving the relationship to the next level.  You have learned that he is unhealthy emotionally.  Why would you stay?  Love does not conquer all in my opinion. Be smart about this and take better care of yourself and your daughter by leaving him.  good luck
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1849593_tn?1321138262
yea, promises from an addict are not to b taken seriosly.. i figured that out recently...  thank yu all for yur responses... i knw what to do now
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Avatar_m_tn
There is a very useful site called yourbrainonporn (just google it). Make him watch the videos there. They explain very clearly the mechanism of porn addiction and the widespread confusions made by people everywhere between sex addiction, porn addiction, and high-speed internet porn addiction. Once you see those videos or read the confessions of former internet porn-addicts it's impossible not to be moved and motivated to give it up.
Don't blame your husband, because it won't make solve anything. Help him pass the addiction by talking daily about it, establishing targets, keeping track of the abstinence days, and reading all the advices of fellow addicts. He is a victim. There are serious changes made at brain level chemicals and synapses that take many months to reverse. Internet porn super-stimulates men in a very unnatural way by appealing to their natural instincts but with an unlimited supply of potential sex-partners.
Read all the articles there and discuss with him about it. The problem is that you may have to limit even real sex until his brain will get back to normal. Maybe the extent of his addiction would even require help from a psychologist.
I don't think you should give up your marriage. It may be very difficult to get over this problem, but it surely isn't a reason to think that he's not in love with you. It is really a serious medical condition.
Masturbating to internet porn is very different from masturbation without porn, or to the natural craving for sex. It is a quite recent phenomenon affecting western-world men all around the world, because of the very intense sexual stimuli easily accessible with high speed internet.
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