My boyfriend is totally spaced out and its driving me so mad

[theghastlycat]

Hi, first of all sorry for my bad english, I am french and my grammar is quite poor.
I really need your advice on that one. I have been going out with my boyfriend for your years now. He has so many sweets sides, e.g: he is very selfless and generous, non judgemental etc, but in the same time he has two major problems which really make me feel I am becoming mad. First of all, he just cannot give attention or take anything seriousely. He is ADD (attention deficiency disorder), so he is generally so spaced out all the time I generally fell like his private caretaker. I somehow came to the conclusion that I have to accept him for that and relaise that it is me who will have to take all the decisions in the relationship. It will also be me who, for instance, will have to negociate our flat if we bought one. But now comes the huge problem. His mother is completely hysterical and tries to control his whole life. For instance she prevented him to pass his driving licence for two years so he could stay home with his mummy. So she is deciding all his life and I feel that, as he is ADD, he doesnt have the balls to stand up for himself and generally likes to be dragged along. For instance he was about to buy a house, and his mother prevented him to do it so he just didnt! I am becoming more and more like a disenhearted person and i kind of stopped expecting anything from him. I even caught myself being condescendant....What do you think I should do now? I know hte situation looks bad but is there any hope? How should I proceed? I really need your advice.

[specialmom]

Oh dear.  I was going to say after reading your initial post that if you love him, I'd research adhd/add.  There are many known ways to handle this nervous system issue and many ways to deal with someone that lives with it.  It isn't easy but many men/women with add/adhd go on to live fully functional and successful lives.  Does he have any ambition to do as such?

And regarding his mother.  I wonder if she became so entrenched in his life due to so much worry about the "spacing" out and add/adhd that this became their pattern.  I too would not like a meddlesome mother but also don't know if she has been in the caretaker role for so long if it is worth trying to wean them both from it.  

Back to the "spacing" out.  You do not say how old you or he is.  Does he take drugs?  And this could even be medication for the add/adhd.  If it is used inappropriately, it will make you spacy, speedy and lots of other things.  (not so when used correctly).

Anyway, if you do not feel the relationship is worth working these issues out, then yes.  It is time to end things and move on.  But don't run away.  Tell him with respect and dignity.  You don't describe someone that is a horrible person or anything but just that he has some issues.  So if you leave him, do so with kindess.  good luck.

[theghastlycat]

quite right both of you, maybe I need to run away

[RockRose]

theghastlycat,  do you see what you're saying here?  You think this guy is incapable of functioning basically,  and yet you fault his mother for thinking the same thing.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Do you think you can do better?  I am not being flippant.  A girlfriend of mine, who was in a bad relationship but was also quite fat (though she had a beautiful face and was not sloppy in any way), once told me not to counsel her to leave because she didn't think she would ever be able to attract anyone else.  Naturally I gave her the bracing speech about "of course you'll find someone," but she didn't think so.

If you think you could do better, I would seriously consider leaving.   Many sweet men are out there who do not have a mommy problem and do not have ADD.  It sounds hard of me to say it, I suppose, but the mommy problem is not going to go away soon even if he manages to find proper medications for the ADD.

A lot also depends on how much you want to be the person in the relationship who makes all the decisions.  Many women really feel their love relationship should be an adult partnership, not a mommy/little boy partnership.  

Every country and culture is different, and so is every love relationship.  For me, from what you are describing, it would be:

ADD -- no big deal if he will medicate for it and the medication works
Me having to make the big decisions -- huge problem, I want a partner
Mommy issues -- huge problem, I don't want to be put in the position of always fighting with his mother for influence with the son