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Avatar universal

My boyfriend watches porn all the time

Hello,
I've been with the same guy now for three years.  We have lived together for the last 1 1/2 years.  I'm very frustrated.  I love him so much and don't know what to do about the porn.  He watches it every chance he gets.  He doesn't hide it anymore, because I told him that I would try to deal with it as long as he didn't lie to me, hide it or do it infront of me.  I've also told him how it makes me feel.  He told me that it doesn't have anything to do with me that he loves me more than anyone and that he can't emagine his life without me in it.  But, he can't give up the porn, I haven't asked him too because I know he would just start hiding it and lying about it again.  
I was trying to deal with it and he was making an effort to have sex with me more often.  But here resently he has only been having sex with me maybe once a week if that much.  Then I've found out (history on his computer) that the next day (if he has it off/or I'm not here) hes on porn.  And, just the other day I was off on the same day as him, we had sex, then I had to go to class and as soon as I left (right after sex with me) he jumped on porn.  I asked him why, was it that I couldn't satify him? He said that I just got him all worked up and he had a little orgasim with me and just needed do that.  I feel like crap.  I'm not making any sense right now I'm sure because I'm so frustrated.  We had big fight about it and I was so ready to leave and he talked me out of it saying we can work it out I promise.  Then the very next day (I'm not kidding) he's back on porn.  Even after he saw how bad he hurt me.  I don't know what to do.  I love him. I'm so confused its not even funny.  This is making me sick and I don't know how to fix it.  Now, I'm afraid to eat, I think maybe I'm to fat or I don't know what to think.  I need some help here. Please.
13 Responses
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Avatar universal
I am so sorry you are going through this. Porn corrupts the mind and is very much addicting. My Fiancé chose porn over me, many many times, and I know he loves me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but all he wanted to do, was stay up super late and watch it all night. He has given up his porn addiction, and says that im his only source of pleasure, since self pleasuring, is a huge part of a porn addiction. At least your man is open and honest with you about it. Mine, hid it for ten years, and lied to me so much. We have lost so many years together for that crap! If he isnt willing to try to change it, then maybe you need to seek help, and focus on you, so you can better understand his addiction, and be there to support and help him, down the line. Its an ugly road, and its gonna tear you apart.... so you really need to decide if its all worth it. Best of luck.
Ps. I am absolutely broken from all of his pleasure seeking behaviors. I don't feel I'm good enough, pretty enough, and I have no self confidence. I don't trust anyone, and I'm basically ruined from everything he has done. Choose wisely, Bc your life depends on it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He should b respectful to you.  And too much porn I think can b contaminating to the soul.  However,  I'd rather be w someone who watches porn the someone who is hooking up behind my back and FAILING to mention it.  Neither of these is best but the porn is the lesser of two evils.  Best wishes to u.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Porn addiction can ruin relationships and destroy lives if not controlled addressed.He needs therapy urgently and he needs to respect your feelings aswell,it would be different if you both enjoyed watching it together but this is clearly not the case at all.If he really loves you he will seek help.All the best.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Dixie,

My sex life does NOT concern you. I was addressing the poster NOT YOU. I was giving her my opinion, and I am not going to dumb myself down to try to explain myself to you.

Anyways, best of luck to the poster.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I don't want to pick apart anything you are saying, and I do feel for you and the position you are in.  I honestly feel for you and are sorry that you are having to go through this.

I will agree with almost everything said above.  I am familiar with almost all of the above posters and all are wise beyond their years.  

I want to go about this from another angle.  I am not blame placing but rather bringing something to your attention.  Here goes, and I mean no disrespect....  you clearly asked this guy to not hide this from you, and have agreed that he is not doing that.  (You've almost stepped into an enabling/enablers position.  You've basically said that the behavior is okay when you are really having a major problem with it... perhaps, rightfully so.)

I personally think that you need to step out of that role.  You're putting both of you into an impossible position.  One one hand you are saying "as long as you don't hide it, lie to me about it, or do it in front of me" and then on the other hand saying it is ruining the relationship.  This is one of those things that can't go both ways.

I believe you need to do a bit of searching for yourself.  I think you need to look beyond this relationship... what does the future hold for you.  (Be real honest with yourself, even if it hurts.)  Look at what the future holds for this guy, and then you as a couple.  (Again, honesty is a real big deal here.)  Now I think you need to sit down and have a real heart to heart conversation with this guy.  Don't take "I love you" and crumble.  It's time to be rather blunt....  

Some folks say being blunt lacks tact and class.  To me, nothing says it better than being blunt.  Forget the politically correct garbage and don't sugar coat this.  "Okay (whatever his name is), this addiction has become a real problem for me and it is ruining our relationship."  Then you go into your needs and you demand that they be met.  You also let him know that you won't enable him anymore.  Let him know that he needs professional help with this and you are willing to help him with that.

If he declines, it is your time to move along.  I believe anyone deserves a second chance, but I also believe that person had damned well better make the best of the next opportunity.  

I said earlier that you need to look into your future.  You need to have a contingency plan in place.  You need a place to go at once, if during this talk this guy thinks you're bluffing.  Convey this message with intent, and if he blows you off, grab your shoes and cruise.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
P.S.
I didn't mean to say good luck so many times - only once - I don't know how I managed to say it 3 times.   I don't want to risk You thinking I meant sarcasm or such.  I'm truly sincere.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Not long ago I could not wrap my head around the term porn "addiction".  

When it reaches the point as You describe, my opinion was that it is a very, very selfish OBSESSION and I was just glad I'd never had to deal with it in my own life but I recently  learned I was absolutely uneducated on this subject as I was reading an issue of Psychology Today.  The article is called "Your Brain on Porn" and it's by Brian Wilson - You can find it on www.yourbrainonporn.com. This is a real eye-opener!!  Boy or boy was I wrong!!  Apparently it IS an addiction and a Very Serious one at that!! and is not something He can probably stop without intervention of some kind (therapy), AND a willingness to confront this AS AN ADDICTION.  It would be helpful to You also (with or without Him) to read this article.  You need to learn this is NOT about You.  We tend to think when our Partner has an affair OR is addicted to porn it is because of OUR short-coming, that We are not meeting His needs (whatever the heck THATS supposed to mean!!??) and IT IS NOT!!  This is truely an addiction on HIS behalf and there is NOTHING You can do to change it - He has to do it.  My guess is if He reads this article it will scare Him into seeking help.
Good Luck
Good Luck

Good Luck
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Here is the thing, I'd  not be attracted to any man that spent all his free time watching porn----  it says something about him that he'd do something meaningless during his 'off' time rather than anything productive.  I like an ambitious man and one with 'things' to do.   But that is besides the point.  

I agree that he sounds like he has a problem/addiction with porn. And I am also concerned that you have fallen almost immediately into the codependent role.  You've decided to just put up with it (I don't tell him not to do it or he'll just lie, and you'll 'just try to deal with it') and yet your warning bells tell you that this is not healthy.  You are ignoring those just to be with him.  This is NEVER a good idea and concerns me that you are putting yourself in this position.  

My sincere recommendation is to see a therapist yourself and be honset with them about this.  Tell them how you are basically saying 'okay' to him because you feel helpless and that he'll choose porn over you (in that he can't give it up), so you tell him you will 'deal' with it.  As them for help with your codependency.  

Then one of two things will happen.  You'll be able to express to him that this is unhealthy and he needs to address the issue professionally (what emotions is he avoiding by using porn, for example) and 'get clean' ----  then he does that and you have a normal sex life and a happy ending (but be careful because an addiction like porn is often transferred to something else if he doesn't get help for the psychological force driving him).   OR you will see that he won't change and that you want better for yourself.  Hence, you will leave a dysfunctional man and look for someone that is more healthy.  

I do wish you luck.  LOVE does NOT conquer all.  We choose who we love in life and if someone is presenting us with a major road block to our happiness, then we should choose someone else.  peace
Helpful - 0
1035252 tn?1427227833
LOL dixie you're single aren't you? Anyway... Addiction to porn is completely different from casual watching.  If both partners support casual watching it is fine and enhances the sex life of many couples.  But if someone is an addict it requires treatment or it will take over his life and not only ruin this relationship,  it will ruin any chance at future relationships.  Just like a drug,until he seeks treatment he has no concept of how much he is isolating himself.

Good luck... It's up to you whether you want to live with an addict and help him seek treatment when he is ready,  or you want to move on.  Remember that sticking with someone you love is noble,  but you should never sacrifice yourself and your chance at happiness to do it. This is coming from someone who grew up in a family of addicts and eventually married a man who was in the beginning stages of porn addiction.  He sought treatment and we are VERY happy together after 9 years of ups and downs.  I did have to increase the frequency that we were having sex for awhile during his treatment but I'm not complaining,  lol.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Will agree with AnnieBrooke and EmmyJN.  Typical addict.......Difficult to stop the behavior, the "empty" promises to stop or he/she will do better, etc.  

Is he open to the option of therapy?  If he is and does go, I am not so sure he will change and if he does it could take a VERY long time. Meanwhile, you are still stuck dealing with this.  

If he is not willing to go to therapy and you decide to stay, then I would recommend you seek therapy for yourself so that you are somewhat better equipped to deal with this.  

This is something that would be a "dealbreaker" for me and I would be long gone.  You should be feeling on the "top of the world" with your man not at the "bottom of a barrel."  
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
I think he sounds like an addict.  You get to decide whether to live with an addict whose actions make you feel unloved.  I wouldn't.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hello,

I'm sorry about everything that's going on.. I can only imagine how frustrated and hurt you are. From reading your post it sounds like your boyfriend does NOT take your feelings into consideration. It is clear that he is NOT going to change. Even though it has almost jeopardized your relationship he is continuing to watch porn. He knows how you feel and talks you out of leaving and watches it the next day? Are you effing kidding me? I know you said that you love him, thank God you're not married (not to sound rude) you cannot change a person... with that said, I think you need to stick to your guns and leave. Take this time to focus on you. Then when you're ready, find someone who respects you. This guy sounds VERY IMMATURE and very DISRESPECTFUL.
It isn't easy, I know that. Its easier said then done.. but you deserve to be someone who shares your same values and morals. You WILL most likely resent him if you stay... you deserve to be happy!

Best wishes
Krystal
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It is possible to get addicted to sex and porn. They can stimulate the brain in the same way that heroin can.

A lot of people watch porn every so often. To each their own, I suppose.

If it really bothers you can he isn't listening to your concerns, try to seek professoinal help from a relationship counsler.

Best of luck!

~ Em
Helpful - 0
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