My boyfriend won't sleep in the same room as me

I've recently been having trouble sleeping with and feeling close to my boyfriend of four years. We've recently moved in together, three months ago, but for the last two years we've been sleeping at each others apartments most nights, this was only an occasional problem then. I really believe that we should be sleeping in the same bed, or maybe that's just what I really really want.

However, it is inevitable that he'll wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, get up for a little while and then end up sleeping in another room. This has been frustrating me because its depressing to wake up with him gone, sort of like I'm to blame. Of course, I want him to get plenty of good sleep, but when we sleep in separate rooms, I don't sleep well. It's also extremely depressing to completely resign myself to having separate bedrooms. I find it hard to even look at him during the day and usually end up crying if he tries to come into my room before going back to sleep in his.

We are having less sex because of this issue, since we would often have sex before sleeping or in the morning after waking up. Plus, there's no desire for romance when one of us is miserable or sleep deprived.

Neither of us snore, although he says that sometimes I cough in my sleep, and we have a fan or air conditioner on for both the noise and the heat. I use my own top sheet and he has a comforter so we don't touch and I try to sleep as close to the edge as I can in order to not disturb him if I need to turn over. I've suggested getting a tempurpedic, but he doesn't want to spend the money. I know that he loves me a lot and cares about our future together, but the issue has been such a problem that he will no longer talk about it, which just makes me feel very lonely.

I've run out of ideas, any suggestions?

[slow_healer]

Has he explained *why* he feels more comfortable sleeping by himself? Could it be that since you moved in together, he's just feeling somewhat crowded? Moving in together can be a *big* step for some people. Maybe it's his way of asserting his identity as an individual, rather than devolving into a half a person in a relationship. Maybe his libido is currently lower than yours and he doesn't want to argue or offend you be refusing sex. It could be anything that for some reason he doesn't feel he can discuss with you.

Either way, stop reminding him how absolutely miserable you are because he'll sleep alone for a few hours each night. I understand that you're seeking reassurance and comfort, but it's coming across as needy and codependent. You're an adult. Adults can handle sleeping alone occassionally. You should be able to live, breathe and sleep well without your partner.

All the ideas in the world won't help you until you actually talk to him - not about what you can change, but why he feels he needs this extra space when your sleeping habits seemed to work before. If I were you I'd explain to him clearly that this is (I'm assuming) a dealbreaker for you and NEEDS to be addressed. And make a point to be very calm, no matter how upset you are about it. He already knows you're upset. If you're getting really upset every time it comes up, then he's going to learn to avoid bringing it up or talking about it. It's very hard to be honest with a person who begins crying the moment you say something they can't handle. If you're this kind of person, you need to stop yourself because it creates a barrier to honest communication. I'm not saying you're necessarily this kind of person, but do think about if this is a pattern in your discussions about it (when he stops wanting to discuss it any further). Just my $0.02.

[KatieP154]

These are all great suggestions. It's very true that I need to stop being so emotional about the problem or stop thinking about it as if it were life and death. My boyfriend has said that he's always been a light sleeper and will occasionally wake up even when I'm not there and needs a "change of scenery" before being able to fall asleep again.

My concern is that we've agreed (I've given in because he has some important work related events coming up) that the only way to get good sleep is to have separate bedrooms and not even try falling asleep together. I miss the intimacy of falling asleep together or waking up with him there. We certainly need to be communicating better though, and in order to do that I cannot get upset as easily as I have been.

[Jame0223]

I know how you feel. My boyfriend will occasionally sleep in another room as well. Mos of the time I fall asleep before he goes to bed and he just never comes to our room. I wake up at about the same time everytime it happens and go get him. He will come, but sometimes he won't. Just the other night he came home after a fight instead of going to his friends like he said he would. Everything was okay...but then he just got up and went to the other room and wouldn't come back to our bed...This is really upsetting. I feel the same way, its harder to sleep wondering why they don't want to sleep with us. I know that sometimes he has a hard time sleeping because of our bed. I wouldn't midn getting a new mattress were both comfy with but we can't really afford it yet.

Lately I feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me nearly as much as I do him. I am totally in love with him...but I don't think he is in love with me. We will be together 3 years in november...This is truly heartbreaking and I don't know what to do...well I know what I should do but its not what i want?

With your lack of intimacy it almost seems like you may be growing apart..maybe you should talk to him? Try and get him to do things you guys used to do together that you maybe don't do anymore? Try to rekindle the flame. It seems kind of weird if he just goes to sleep in the other room without a real reason.

I can't stand waking up to him not being there...its just comfort of them being there that helps me  fall back asleep. Hopefully someone will give you better advice and it can solve both of our problems! Good luck hun!

[KatieP154]

It's nice to hear from people who are in similar situations. I do hope that the sleeping arrangements have not become the way they are because we are drifting apart. Sometimes we talk about breaking up, but it's not what either one of us wants. Although, the mere fact that it comes up does make me worry that he's not committed enough to work through any of these problems that do arise. In my mind, I cannot give up or even stop thinking about our issues, until they've been resolved. That's why this sleep issue is bugging me soooo much, because no matter how hard I try, I can't fix it.

This is probably where someone will tell me to "grow up and let it go, if the relationship is so important then you'll compromise." Or that "the more you worry the more the problem grows instead of subsiding."

As long as the opportunity is there, I can't stand waking up without him either. Of course, I have no problem getting to sleep and sleeping well when we have to sleep apart. By "have to" I mean he's gone for the weekend or when we lived across the state from each other. It's the fact that we're in the same place and he's choosing not to sleep with me that I can't get past.

That brings up another question. How much of your own happiness can be or should be dependent on your mate? I know I would be fine without him, but I know that I would be happier with him. But he doesn't want the added pressure of feeling like I need him to make me happy. Yet, I want him to need me to be truly happy.

Thoughts?

[Trialanderror]

I have always been in a similar situation but in reversed roles. Females are said to be the ones who love to cuddle and feel close but I used to be the one to switch to another room by 2am or even better leave the house which is impossible when married. If it makes you feel better, it never ever had anything to do with not loving my partner, otherwise I would have avoided the bed to begin with. It is just that as an introvert I regain all my energy during the few precious hours of sleep and the presence of even the most beloved human makes me tense and worn out. Us "lone wolves in relationships" put a lot of strain on a partner in that way... What helps is to add more closeness at other times of the day, I never had a problem with that. But deep sleep is sacred.
It may sound weird but when sleeping all cuddled up with my partner, I would sometimes have intense flashes of thoughts or visions or dreams that turned out to be what he was thinking of at the time. It is almost as if the other person`s brain waves catch on to mine and disrupt my sleep. I just need physical space.
Funny that you asked your second question as it is linked to those sleep patterns. Lone wolves can be so self-sufficient that it never occurs to them to get happiness through a partner or others in general. However, if they enter a relationship, they owe it to a partner to contribute to happiness, even if it is not the sleep routine and sometimes they need a partner to remind them of warmth and closeness since they often do not initiate those moments but still enjoy them. Try to find out which moments your boyfriend definitely wants to spend by himself and then enjoy and share all other times. The difference in the desire for closeness is hard to overcome but it is possible once you both approach it rationally.

[Sares]

Hi Jame - looking at your posts lately I am 99.9% sure he is bi. After reading this last post it just confirmed it  to me. Straight guys just don't add this way!

The posts I am talking about - Jame0223


Your comment on Cowboys post - http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/624493?personal_page_id=4091&post_id=post_3394105 and another post

The most telling one - http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/624714.

Good luck, and sorry to hijack the post!

:-)

[KatieP154]

To get back to the sleep issue and maybe provide an update, I've agreed to maintain separate bedrooms for about the next month or so. My boyfriend has a major project coming up and I know what it is like to have a trusted partner seem to sabotage your success by providing selfish distractions.

Beginning in October, I need to move back into our bedroom and work on sleeping together. It's just an absolute necessity to me and I hope that we can make it work.

In the mean time, I wonder if I should be upset by the fact that he'll let his cat stay in at night, sometimes even in his bed. He knows perfectly well, and has accepted the fact that around 2 or 3am the cat will annoy him enough until he'll have to get up and let it out. Yet I'm not allowed to sleep in his bed because I'll inevitably wake him up. I mentioned the double standard and my boyfriend seemed to see that it's unfair, but "he's cute and I love him," says my boyfriend to the cat.

[Jame0223]

Aren't you cute? and doesn't he love you?! Thats totally bs! He'll let the cat sleep with him until it wakes him up to leave the room...he's totally contradicting himself.. Did you say anything in response? I would have gotten po.ed lol ..

Gosh I love how all of the sudden everyone thinks my boyfriend is totally gay or bi...*sighs* He used to be bi, or said he used to be because he had one experience and now that he stays over at his friends house he's gay...HE IS NOT GAY! His friend is not gay! He hasn't been hanging out with any gay person, just a married guy and his best friend...who is not gay! As far as my other comment I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP COWBOY OUT...and how is the last one the most telling? I don't even mention his being bi or anything. Were having problems and suddenly he's all fruity and its because he wants a guy over me?

Sorry Katie I am not going to post on this forum anymore...people on here just...assume way too much. Anyways! If you need my help at all anymore feel free to message me!

[hotcheeks]

my boyfriend hasnt slept with me in 2 yrs..he has never even tried too...l feel like l moved into his house and kicked him out of his own bed..l am at the point in leaving him cause l cant deal with this anymore..l dont feel like this is a relationship at all never did..he is also a habitual liar..when l asked him why he doesnt sleep with me first it was cause l dont sleep with the tv on..well sorry dude l cant handle noise..the second was it was to warm in there..well thats why they have fans..the third was he had a bad cough and he couldnt breath laying flat...the list goes on and on...he did however said his last girlfriend he slept with he would put the tv on in the living room and sleep with her..so it has to do something with me..all the woman he has been with have big breast..well l dont and l think thats the problem but he wont fuss up...tired of all the lies ....

[DMouse]

I realise this is an old thread going, but I can say that I am a woman and I do exactly the same as your boyfriend does. I've no idea why but feel so much more comfortable on my own. I realise this sounds insulting to a partner but its nothing to do with loving them less or that I dont want sex, its simply to sleep. If anyone is interesting in talking about this more I'd love to discuss and expand on the theme, I very rarely speak to anyone about it, but has caused a problem in every relationship I've been in.

[Wickelswick]

Hi!
I'm a female and I have great problems getting to sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend. And I love him more than anything in the world!

For me I think this difficulty has arisen because of a number of reasons. I'm an only child and not used to having any sibling around me, or sharing a room with anyone. I always had problems sharing a room with other girls when I was growing up and we went on over-night school trips/camps. I had Valerian tablets even as a 15 year old, to try and calm me (but that didn't work either).

I think for me it's just that I am quite an anxious person and a very light sleeper and I just can't switch off completely with someone else in the room. It hurts me a lot, because I want to please my partner, and I can feel a bit guilty, because I know it means a lot to him. But now I think he has got used to it and because we have such a loving relationship during the day, I think he feels reassured that I love him. And we always cuddle( or have sex) in one of the rooms before going to bed and cuddle in the morning when we wake up. I just feel so rubbish if my sleep has bee deprived in any way, that I can get angry in the day, so we have learnt that I should sleep alone, even though I'll sometimes try and sleep with him (but it still hasn't worked out).

I can so agree with what Trialanderror that it's as though I can catch on to his brainwaves when I'm trying to sleep in the same room. I can't explain it. Not that I have any of his dreams or so, it's just that my mind seems so conscious of him being there.

If anyone has overcome the problem of not being able to sleep next to their beloved partner I would love to hear how they did it!
/Christine

[girllondon]

Hi!
Its good to hear that you have the same problem as I have with my boyfriend... We have been together for 2 years and moved in a month ago. We have never had bigger problems with sleeping together in the same bed on the weekends or during holidays. Since we moved in we have not had a single night that he wasnt waking up, and waking me up as a result... i think he sleeps very light. He falls asleep very quickly but wakes up suddenly...during night and cant go back to sleep. He says that he is very stressed because of work so at times he sleeps in different room, so that we can catch up on sleep. The only problem is that it makes me feel like Im his flatmate only... not a close person with whom you spend intimate moments during night. Moreover it also puts me off sex as I dont feel close anymore. Any suggestion? Help...I am fed up with it...

[ang829]

I realize that nobody has posted on this forum recently but I've just found it. Im in a very similar situation with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. We have lived together for about 2 1/2 years and for the past 9 months he has stopped sleeping in our bedroom. He's always been a light sleeper but now when I ask him to try sleeping in here he says he just cant sleep good when he does. It never seemed to be a problem before so I just dont get it. We barely ever have sex now and I'm just feeling really bad about our relationship. I feel there is so much distance between us and it seems that it doesnt even bother him. Im beginning to feel like room mates and I dont know what to do?! I almost want to move out just to see if it makes him want to be closer to me again.. what do you guys think? 9 months is a long time to feel lonely... and it's really taking a toll on me :'(

[Gee100]

hiya i ave the same problem. my boyfriend of 5 yrs who is 28 sleeps each night on the sofa and i in the bedroom. i feel lonely. i know it is never gonna change it has not for the last 4 or more years. we have sex one a month when he feels he wants to. we have been trying for a baby for 4 years lol and i now i will never conceive as lack of action. i am 33 and time is running out for me. i am thinking of leaving him in a couple of yrs if no different when my son who is 14 from previous relationship has left school. i want to move down south. i know my boyfriend would never want to move from the town we live in. i wanted a sibling for my son when he was 2. I have wanted another baby for 12 years and my boyfriend knows this. I know he loves me, but i dont even get a cuddle or a kiss. I feel like my heart could turn to stone if i go on like this. I know we are not teenagers but i am sure adults do more than nothing, dont they?

[meee983652]

I'm only 23 and moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. He has always been a light sleeper and says i wake him up with my nightmares and snoring. I'm really embarrassed about this as i never used to do it when i first got with him. I'm getting upset aS we are still in the honeymoon period but have in my eyes grown apart :-( please help me. Do i go and see someone or do i get my boyfriend to see a sleep therapist as i think he got things on his mind which are stopping him from sleeping? X

[Emcat777]

I've been going through the same thing with my boyfriend/fiance.  For the past couple of months he has been sleeping on the couch.  He knows it bugs the hell out of me!  Now he even decides he needs alone time and will go watch tv in bed while i'm downstairs.  Well today I broke up with him.  I was just wondering whatever happened to some of you that went thru the same thing. Did you ever resolve it, still together or did you just adjust?

[specialmom]

Hi emcat (cool name.  Did you take the test????)!  I am sorry it came to that with your boyfriend, I'm sure you are bummed.  It is always sad when a relationship ends.  But better now than after a wedding.

This thread is old and often posts get missed.  You can start a new thread if you'd like and probably get more responses.

I too often wonder what happens to people that post and then we don't hear from them again.  I wish that we'd receive follow up memos!  

Okay, welcome to med help.

[Emcat777]

Yeah, pretty bummed today as we still haven't discussed when he's moving out.  I just know that this situation makes me so unhappy because I'm a snuggler!  It also messes with my mind thinking maybe he's got something going on the side, x-girlfriend as she still calls and texts him on a daily basis.  It just doesn't feel right.  Never fun going thru a breakup.  Glad he had to work today!  I'm not sure what test you are talking about though..??

[specialmom]

Oh,  M CAT is the test that one takes to get into medical school.  

anyway, yes, break ups are hard.  Stay busy and keep a journal.  It will be better when he does actually go.  Ya know, I don't care what anyone says------------ close friendships with x's rarely work.  Reason being, one typically has some hidden feelings left over.  I honestly would not be thrilled with my husband keeping in touch with an x on a regular basis.  Luckily, my husband doesn't do facebook or any of those sites that cause so many problems and is so busy working that he has no spare time for such nonsense.  But I really think it is a red flag that he talks to his ex every day.  

You will find someone to have the kind of relationship you'd like.  Don't settle until you find it.  good luck

[Emcat777]

LOL, I thought you meant some kind of test to see if he's gay!  ha ha ha ha

[dancinglife123]

I want so much to sleep with my boyfriend. I love him and he loves me. We are so good together. It's just that, i sense his energy and I can't totally relax. Just him touching me wakes me up, though I hardly go into a REM sleep. He's understanding, but not fully. He wants to make love a lot, and though it relaxes me, it totally wakes me up. I always sleep in for at least two hours after he gets up.

[specialmom]

Hi.  I don't know how long you have been together but that can make a difference.  Sometimes the longer you are with someone, the more used to them you become.  I have gotten used to my husband.  Ha.  You should think so, right?  But I too am a super light sleeper and value my sleep very much.  I don't function well without it and do best with NINE hours (I know . . . pathetic that I need that much and rarely do I really get it).  After years together, other things come into play like the comfort of my own bed, the familiar sounds, etc.  It really helps me to have some kind of white noise in the room.  I run a fan a lot of the time.  A king bed also helps.  But I remember early on . . . and in my sleep deprived little children years having a lot of trouble getting used to sleeping with another.  

good luck dear

[CDav1]

It might be because I'm old fashion or raised old fashion and also raised in church but you really shouldn't be living and having sexual relationships with each other if your not married. Sorry but that has to be said, now to your question, it may not be you it might just be him. If he loves you like how you say he does then him not sleeping in the same room or bed with you is actually the right thing to do and he is just trying to do right by you. And him not wanting to talk about is okay because I once knew a man who is now with the Lord who never complained or spoke his mind where it wasn't needed. He was a kind old man who died from stage 4 or 5 cancer. But when he was stage 2 he never said a word about it in fact he took a transmission out of a big van, that holds about 16 people, and he put it back in. He never complained about his pain even before his death. If you wanted him to say anything about it you had to pry it out of him. Point is there is people like your boyfriend. So don't worry about it.