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My boyfriends going to rehab.
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My boyfriends going to rehab.

My boyfriend of 2 years - but best friend of 4 - has decided he needed to go to rehab. We have talked many times about him going before but I never pushed because  - he needed to make that decision for himself. When he was ready. I have read many stories on here - about people going into rehab and falling in love there - or emotional rollercoasters in general when they leave rehab.  I am so supportive of him - and the love we have for eachother is deeper love. Its binding - soulmates - we know we want eachother forever. As much as It would kill me - if taking me out of the picture is how he can recovery so he can focus on himself - I will. Becuase I am so in love with him.You usually hear the selfish thing - i miss him. i want to see him. should I call him?!? WAKE UP people! The time for you...or me is NOT now. Don't call him - write him - words on paper sound deeper then spoken anyways.  We are planned to get married, and I may be with his child - But I have faith that we will be together..God willing.
Support him. you NEED to be his rock of his life. The one that will help him get throu his struggles. Not the one that will start bitching about how he changed or he yells alot. Patiece is a virtue - and kindness. If you cannot talk with your lover...about anything - even if the most morbid thought comes to your mind...if you cannot say it - your relashionship is not worth it. If you haven't had those hard times with your lover that test your love for eachother - you shouldn't be waasting your time. and no I dont mean just yelling at eachother. I mean - living on the street together - having nothing - starving - and then finally happy when you switch from fingers - plastic silverware to real silverware. I know alot of you wont understand what I am saying - My fiancee and I have had a rollercoaster of a relashionship - and it is almost out of a shakesphere book...but as long as both of you know - you love eachother. EVERYTHING about eachother you love-you  would die for the other one....you shouldn't be complaining that he wont hold me - he wont kiss me - no sex....Yes i know every women loves the kisses - and loves the hugs...and the sex...I do - I adore his hugs and kisses - they still make me melt.
BUT FOR HIM...at a time like this.....BE A REAL WOMEN. The back bone of your man

I hope anyone who is reading this and going throu something like this - can ready this and be there for they're man. Or realise they may not be a positive aspect for they're lover.
The saying is true -
"If you love something sooo much - let it go."

But venting on here helps as well. I stand for what I say - but who am I to say. Only you and your lover know your love.
Tags: boyfriend, Rehab, Advice, struggles
8 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
Sweetie, I am going to make a really strong suggestion for you.  There is something that is called codependent and you've depicted yourself as a classic codependent woman.  Something about his addiction made YOU feel safe and needed by him.  His getting sober means things will change and they WILL.  Dynamics change when someone gets sober and a couple must learn to deal with each other on a different level.  I'd tell someone I loved to go to rehab to HELP them make their decision.  When you want a healthy partner----  that is what you do.  That you are scared how his time in rehab will impact you----  he may hook up with someone (by the way, this does happen but for different reasons than you think.  It is psychological and when someone does this, they are transferring their addictive behavior.  They are getting a 'high' out of a new relationship and most rehabilitation facilities deter this behavior and know it to be unhealthy thinking and part of the patient's true sickness) but at that point---  you have someone that has some serious issues anyway.

My point is this---  is your relationship so unstable that sobriety seems scary to you?  Or that if he gets sober, he is not commited to you enough to stay that way?  

You worry me hon.  My suggestion is that you go to Al Anon right away and start your own program as a codependent partner and if you can afford it, some therapy to address what it is within you that has made this lifestyle okay and even cling to it ever so slightly.  Do you use by the way?  

Good luck.  This is the starting point in a new chapter of your life and your boyfriend's life.  Things WILL absolutely change but you can forge a new life together free of drugs or alcohol.  This is a GOOD thing.  Peace
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Avatar_f_tn
No. I do not use. And I think you took what I say out of context.
I am scared to DEATH. I know there will be change. And lots of it.
I love him and I've told him to go to rehab.
But I didnt push on it because if I did - he wouldnt end up doing it for HIM. SO HE can get healty. OF COURSE I want to see him happy. he is the love of my life and going to be the father of my child.... I said above that if I see I am not a good factor of him getting healthy - I will leave. Support him as a friend. But leave. And I know he understands what I mean. Because things will change. I am FAR from co dependent - as I said - Only him and I know how our lives are. If it doesnt work it doesnt work. if it does. it does. God willing.
I have gone to a theripst for years now...
And I know about rehab relashionships...I understand  that they are trying to fill that void...
I understand many people will not get what i'm saying because many people do not under stand the way of Islam. What a women means in Islam.
I am grateful for your input. I stand strongly by what i say.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Please don't get upset when I say this as it is meant with the best intent.  That you stayed as long as you did with an addict means you are codependent.  MOST women walk away when that is the case.  It is absolutely impossible to have a healthy relationship with an addict.  You've been there for two years putting up wtih it and not demanding he do something about it.  That IS codependent.  You should go to al anon if you are confused about that.

It is not a knock on you at all.  But we have to see the full picture in order to have a changed life.  And your life is changing.  

My hope would be that he gets sober and stays that way and if he doesn't, you walk for your sake and as you said, the sake of any child you have with him.  That is healthy thinking.  This should be his last chance to be WITH you and that is what you should be focused on.

Again, I'm not being a doggie downer here to you----  I just want you to understand how addiction and how the lives of those in an addicts life are affected.  

Most likely your boyfriend will need some therapy as usually at the heart of addiction are things like depression, anxiety, serious self esteem issues, etc.  They go hand in hand.  And you two know how to relate as addict and girlfriend but not so much as two sober adults.  You'll have to work on what the relationship will look like.  I wouldn't worry about him meeting someone in rehab.  If that happens-----------  your relationship is over and pointless anyway and a sign that he is not ready to get well.  Instead, I'd be thinking about how YOU can actively change this relationship to demand more of him and have serious expectations and boundaries.  Including if he uses again, you're gone.  Also, how you will communicate, what he'll do in his spare time now rather than use, etc.  

good luck.  This is a very long and hard road.  Been there.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your input. before we were to gether  - for 2 years we were best friends... he was sober. I know how we can be. We have been throu alot. and gotten throu it. god willing we will get throu this one. I know the road will be hard...but we have never had an easy road to begin with.
I do not use or drink. But I did.. And I know the feeling when that one person - cant be there for you and abandones you during your stuggle with this disease or you go away to get better to find out the other cant wait for you- But he was there. I got better because of my fiance, my best friend. And I will do the same for him. Thank you for your kind words.
I may be somewhat delusional...which love can make you blind to reality..
But  - whatever may come. I dont regret one bit about it.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well I certainly do hope it all works out for you and this has a happy ending!  I'm glad you got sober and I wish your fiance luck in his journey.  Don't worry about other women.  That you just have to have trust that your man will make the right decision.  Wish you all the best dear.  
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Avatar_f_tn
My boyfriend is went into a detox today for a week and after that he is going to a rehab center for 42 days. I hope that he gets the help that he needs Im praying for it and it's going to be hard for us because we are attached to each other and the withdraws are going to be really hard to go through. I support him at all times and will visit him as much as i can that's what he wants me to do. I have the same concerns that he will cheat on me in the moment of weakness I know you can't really prevent it from happening but Im trying to give him the benefit of a doubt that it wont happen and we promised each other that we will wait for each other because we love each other soo much and we stuck it out with each other through good and bad times
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Avatar_m_tn
my boyfriend went into rehab last week.  and im scared.  scared because i have been codependent and have supported him for a year and now was the one to support him (financially and otherwise) going to rehab and im scared that at the end of the day ill be forgotten.  and then i feel badly like im being selfish.  many this whole thing is the hardest thing ive ever gone through.  i feel like when i have any feelings other than completely selfless support, im being selfish and a bad person.  its hard to know what is right and what is wrong and i just hope through all of this my life can get back together.  over the last year he crushed it and i stuck in because i dont believe you ever abandon someone you love or someone in need, but as a result, my life has suffered unimaginably and i just feel lost.  
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973741_tn?1342346373
This is a really old post and you can always get more responses by starting your own thread.

Yes, you have been and are very codependent.  Your inner voice finally took over and helped you force the issue for your boyfriend to go to rehab---  bravo for that nagging inner voice!  But sadly, the sick part of you is fighting it.  

I say sick because you are not a healthy thinker at this point.  You also are not healthy emotionally and really need professional help to overcome this.  PLEASE see a professional therapist and begin going to Al/ANON meetings.  It's essential.  Frankly for the sobriety of your boyfriend as well as your own sanity.

What you had with the boyfriend was ---  I know this will hurt--  but not a real relationship.  He was high and it was based on that.  You supported his habit and he would have taken anyone who did that for him.  So, what will have to happen when he gets out of rehab is that you two get reacquainted as two sober people.  It will be a whole new relationship.  And to be perfectly honest, it does come second to his sobriety.  He'll be working hard on that and reassuring you when you feel insecure should not be anywhere near his focus for a while.  

I am totally different than you in what I believe.  I put myself first.  And I have left a drug addict/alcoholic boyfriend.  I am self protective and believe we date to find out if the relationship should go to the next level.  Alcoholism and drug addiction are not going to be parts of my life----  so a partner that had these issues is not suitable for me.  And love is JUST an emotion.  I'm old enough to have been in love a few times.  I left the boyfriend and have been married to a healthy man for 14 years.  

So, please understand that there is a miswire with your thinking and that you must get help for this.  Women that are as codependent as you do absolutely repeat the pattern.  There was a secondary gain of taking care of him . . .   he wouldn't leave you.  So, please get some help for yourself.

peace and luck
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