My fiance hates my friend

[mami1323]

What would you do if your fiance hated one of your friends?  I have a friend who bounces from one relationship to the next and quickly sleeps with these new men.  She had a 6 year relationship with her son's father when it ended because he cheated on her.  Their son was only 7 months at the time.  She jumped right into a year long relationship with a family friend who she had known for 20 years.  That ended when his ex called her from his phone, telling her that she was still sleeping with him.  Now a week later she was set up on a blind date and has quickly jumped into a relationship with this guy.  She slept with him after knowing him a week.  

I don't agree with her behavior at all and I think she needs some time for herself.  She points out men to me that she thinks is cute and I told her she is "boy crazy" right now and she needs to relax.  My fault was talking to my fiance about her because now he doesn't like her anymore.  He thinks she's loose.  Now she's never cheated on these men.  She's very faithful even though she jumps from one man to the next.  I feel bad that I told him about her because now he doesn't want me to hang out with her.  She works around the corner from me and we are constantly meeting for lunch.  I am one of her closest friends.  She tells me more then she's told her other friends and she leans on me for support.  I tried to convince him that even though she's like that, doesn't mean I'm that way.  He doesn't care.  I don't think it's fair to just abandon a friend because of my fiance's insecurities.  Any advice would be appreciated.

[Denya]

I have made this mistake too,  but you have to remember that she is your friend and you can simply tell him that maybe you judged her to harsh, and you were expressing an opinion, and you can tell him his opinion is welcome, but you really want to overlook her negative flaws and stay friends, her personal life is just that Personal.

[AnxiousGurl]

He should be confident enough in you to know that she wont have any influence on you..I mean what she does with her life has nothing to do with how you live yours....thats her decision and it shouldnt make a difference if your friends with her as long as she doesnt try and get you in to that type of lifestyle. He should be able to understand that your different. He needs to trust you, he doesnt have to like your friends. He sounds a little too judgemental.

[mami1323]

He is severly insecure.  He was married for 6 years to a woman who cheated on him and verbally abused him.  Belittling him every chance she got.  Even though I'm so far from that type of female, he still is left with these terrible insecurities.  I know, this sounds all to cliche.  His friends are the biggest pigs around, I don't hold him accountable for what they do, nor do I say you can't hang out with them.  I have to trust him.  I can't comprehend that after 5 years together and a child, he still thinks that I would be influenced by my friends.  They have their own lives and even if they did say, hey I have this cutie that would like you....which they never would because they respect my relationship.....it's up to me to say no.  He has no faith in me?  After all this time?

[AnxiousGurl]

It sounds like a problem he needs to workout and he shouldnt be taking his past relationship out on you. Have you told him that your friends really do respect your relationship and that you have too much love for him and a child together to even begin thinking or doing anything stupid to mess that up. Talk to him let him know your really not that kind of person.

[mami1323]

I tried this weekend and it felt like he was getting it and then Monday he asked me if I was going to be having lunch with her and I said maybe and he blew up.  Calling her a **** and that I have no respect for his feelings.  I said I respect your feelings when they are logical.  That of course really didn't help the situation...lol.  He stormed off telling me I put my friends before him.  This isn't the first time he's done this with one of my friends.  The other one I continued to be her friend and now she's pregnant and getting married so he doesn't mind her.  But it took many fights with that one also.  He is a judgmental a-hole.

[mami1323]

that **** word is s-l-u-t.

[nessie12]

it sounds like you need to sit him down and tell him exactly what you commented back  above...well maybe you shouldnt mention this ex wife or call his friends pigs

[mami1323]

Haha, perhaps I have a problem holding back my anger...lol.  I think I know what to say to press his buttons.  It comes from years of experience...lol.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Well girl, I really want to give you advice on this one but it's a tough one.  I would think after being with him for as long as you have been, that he would be more at ease and trust you completely by now.

I had a friend that got involved with a married man a couple of years ago.  It started out as friends.  He was our boss infact.  Both people were married but not very happy.  They began talking a lot and leaning on each other.  She had every reason to be unhappy and I could hardly blame her, but it was still hard for me.  I just felt like if she was so rightfully unhappy, she should get a divorce.  But she kept going back and forth.  In the end, she did get a divorce.  She and the guy she was seeing both did.  They are now married to each other.  Okay, did that make any sense???  I am getting ready to leave soon and this is a long story so I was trying to be very brief.

Anyway, I told my husband all about everything and he never thought that I would do anything like that.  I mean I was telling him because I didn't like it, but I was trying really hard to be a friend to her and not judge her.  It was hard sometimes, but I did it.

My point (and it seems to be taking me forever to get to it), is that I would tell your finance, that even though you do not agree with everything she is doing really, that she is still your friend.  I would think the whole reason why you even mentioned it to him was because you do have some sort of a problem or concern about it anyway.  So, if you are concerned, why would you turn around and do the same thing?  Am I making any sense??  I would also tell him that people do things and have certain behaviors (often times) because of past experiences or past hurts.  For example, your fiance is insecure because of his past relationship right?  Well, she probably does what she does because she is afraid or doesn't know how to be happy alone.  Many women think that they "need" a man.  I could go on and on about that, but I would tell your fiance just that.  I would compare the 2 situations.  I hope I am making sense :)

[mami1323]

You make total sense girl.  Funny you say this, we had a date night and this is exactly what I explained to him.  Of course he was more understanding because he had a few drinks in him at the time.  I was telling him that I DON'T agree with what she does.  I also tell her that I think she needs to slow down.  I told him that she reminded me of his sister where she can't be alone.  Now his sister is the exact same way as my friend.  Not once does he tell me to stop hanging out with his sister.  His sister is constantly pointing out cute men to me.  I don't even look, I don't care enough to look.  I did tell him about her issues because he's supposed to be my best friend and we should be able to talk and share stories about our friends.  He holds it against them though.  I told him that he makes me want to not tell him things because of the way he acts.  I think it's a shame that I have to hide things from him because he is so unaccepting of other people's behavior.  

I totally got your story though.

[treazzure007]

yeah, big mistake telling him your friend's business.  it's different if she had told him herself (which many whorish women will do!)    you say you both have been together for years.  could it be he's practicing exercising control over you?  

truthfully, i cant find friendship among women i don't share main things in common with, but i guess it's possible and perhaps you enjoy hearing about her drama as much as i enjoy reading about people's drama on these forums.  just tell him, no, you won't stop being her friend b/c of all the GOOD things about her

[mami1323]

I absolutely think it's a control issue.  He's always been that way.  I've been a very independent woman so it's been a difficult road for the both of us.  He tries to control, I don't let him, he gets frustrated.  In the end we both wind up irritated.  

You know, you live and you learn.  I only share certain things with him, and of course there is a reason for it.  But this one I shoulda kept my mouth shut.  Honestly, I do like listening to her stories.  I've been with my man for 5 years and frankly it gets monotonous.  I wouldn't give it up but I do like listening to her drama.  She has so much of it from all these different exes.  It is interesting...like a soap opera...lol.  She loves my fiance, thinks he is a great guy, great father.  Her son's father was one of his closest friends so she's known my fiance longer than I have.  It is just upsetting that he feels this way about her...and I blame myself.

[momagain59]

" Her son's father was one of his closest friends so she's known my fiance longer than I have."

I wonder if she knows something about him that he doesn't want you to find out about?