My friend is in love with someone shes never met!

[LittleTiny Me]

I have this friend, I've known her for years (we go back til our HS days) I just dont know what to tell her anymore. Not to be mean but I have my fair share of bf problems as it is to be hearing about hers. Here's the thing....years back, and I'm talking about almost 5 years ago. She was up late one night BORED as she claimed and entered a chat group on Y! began chatting with this guy 1:1 afterwords. They started chatting more and more frequently til shortly after became a couple. Now, shes never met the guy & its been almost 5 years. They say ILY and all over the phone and I still dont understand how you can tell someone something like ILY when you have never met them personally. Shes only known the guy by online (chat, myspace etc) and phone. To me the guy seems a "fake" just trying to see what girls he can get online because hes not willing to come visit her. He lives in Virginia, we are in CA. & he always seems to have excuses of why he cant come. If you "love" her as he claims he does, he would try to come visit her especially after so many yrs.

One night she got "bored" again and found that her bf had another myspace account which she was not aware of. His top friend, GF #2!  She made a fake profile and sent him a request. Shortly to find that there was pix of him and this other gf kissing. The 2nd gf had a pix of him and her kissing on her page & status was in a relationship. She swore over and over she would break up with him. Even came to my house crying (we live a street away) I stood with her like 6 hours comforting her and talking. Only to know that she decided to forgive him. Fine, forgive and move on right? Well I told her how can you trust someone whos so far away and had already cheated on you!? You dont know if he will do it again and again. Again, she broke into his Y! email account and found several emails from girls asking if he was single. All replies back to the girls were "YES" Once again, here we go again. She began swearing she was done! But once again forgave him. I for myself speak and admit that I have in the past cheated on my bf 3xs. & all 3 x's he forgave me. So I understand what it is to forgive and so on. But with a guy she's never met?

She has not had a job for YEARS! I've even told her, I think the reason you dont get UP and get a job is because your only source of communication with this guy is phone. She gets so upset when she misses a call. This woman does not leave the house just to be waiting for his calls. I dont know what to tell her anymore. I am tired of hearing Chris this and that! Its frustrating because I've told her as much as I can but she keeps staying with this guy whos shes never met and she swears its love.

Any ideas on what I can tell her? I'm dry!

[megochick101]

How can she only have a relationship with a guy through the internet and phone?? I do not understand that at all(i'm like you i guess lol) She's never met the guy, he's obviously stringing her along. I think she needs to step back into the real world.

I would just tell her honestly that you do not approve of her relationship(or so called relationship) and that you've told her that she should find someone else and that you do not want to hear about him again. Of course tell her that you're still her friend and you still love her but that you've already given your advise and can't give any more.

[heatherlynn22]

i think the only one who's in that relationship is your friend. the guy obviously doens't see her as a gf. he's stringing her along (possibly as a joke...i've had friends who did the whole online dating thing just to find out their "boyfriends" only "dated" them as a joke.) now ldr can work. if you've met the person first. dh and i have known each other since we were 6 or 7. we did loose touch for a few years but when i started to date a mutual friend who was stationed with him we got reaquainted. now he was stationed in oki, japan. i saw him MAYBE 2 weeks a year for 3 years until he was stationed in d.c. then he was able to be home every weekend with me. but to have NEVER met the "man" in 5 years....no she's not in a relationship. well she might be but he isn't.

[jo929]

You have already talked with her, so drop it, because the more you talk against it the more she will go for him, just tell her it is up to her and saty out of it, if you want to saty friends  luck  jo

[Judy246]

To be young and foolish! This also shows you the dangers on the internet. The computer and this idiot guy are brainwashing her. It's like being hypnotize and that's not only scary, but dangerous.  I would be bold enought to tell that if she continues with this fantasy relationship, I would tell her mother. I personally think it's ridiculous and scary that someone is so weak minded to take it to that extent...it's a fantasy relationship that will lead to either a potentially dangerous situation or nowhere.

As a friend, print this and show it to her. Good luck

[deebelle3]

She is in need of some counseling for sure. She sounds like a very lonely girl with poor self esteem. She needs help. I am glad you continue to be her friend!!
Dee

[opus88]

I agree she does have self esteem and loneliness issues.
I've gone the same road only with my DAUGHTER!
Only difference is she is married to this man-separated after one year of marriage because he was cheating.
That was 6 years ago, he still drops in and out of her life and keeps her on a string(narsistic) ...and she CAN'T or WON'T let him go.
I and all the family including all her friends hear abt him over and over same story...how she loves him and takes him back than cheating starts again and tells us all she is done with him and how he treats her....than next thing we find out is 'she is back trying again'...
Its gotten so bad she has lost many friends over this because they are so frustrated telling her over and over that she deserves better treatment....she agrees, cries on their shoulders for hours/days than GOES BACK for more.
Like I said 6 years now...........right now she says she has ENDED this (yet again)..and I again give her the benefit of the doublt...
she was once a wonderful loving warm person, now she has become a bitter and angry...and she has secretly been drinking too.
So I wish someone would tell me too what to do as a mother, we have tried everything...and I'm so sad for her.
I think her love has turned and is now more of an obsession.
she isn't young and Nieve anymore she is 41.

[megochick101]

I think your daughter should go into therapy. It seems she has self esteem issues and other issues if she keeps entering into an unhealthy relationship. I would try and get her into therapy asap! And also tell her that even though you love her, you do not approve of her relationship with this man and that he is no good for her and from now on you do not want to hear one word about him. You've already given your advice countless of times I'm sure, you need to just get the point across that she can do what she wants, but you're not going to hear about this man anymore.

[teko]

Convince her to get help. She is not living in the real world.

[SweetiePie411]

Okay, it's like IMPOSSIBLE to have a relationship with a guy you've never even met. She CANNOT love someone by just talking to them over the phone and internet. The guy she is talking to could be hiding so much. He could be in jail or something for all she knows... or maybe he is a rapist. Did she ever think about those possibilities? She probably didn't, but she really needs to. He could have a girlfriend in Virginia that he actually sees. Obviously if he never wants to visit your friend or go on a date, he is definitely hiding something, possibly his age. Someone could make a completely fake account on the internet. I'm not sure what you could really tell her, maybe just try your hardest to talk to her about some of the things I said. Thinking that a relationship can work over the phone and internet is absolutely ridiculous. Maybe take her to a therapist or something.

[Lucey12]

Judy says, "to be young and foolish" well I have news for you, my 49 year olf mother in law is the same way! 2 years ago, she separated from the man she was married to since she was 18, and she all about the online dating. She went as far as to go to australia to meet one of them, and now she is going to hong kong in october to meet a diffferent one! It disgusts me to hear her brag about her "boyfriend" when she hasnt met him! Shes nuts about the 'waiting around for him' thing too. She works two full time jobs so most days she starts wrk at 6 am, and gets home from work at 11 at night, goes to the gym till hes available, then is up till 4am chatting with him!! She went as far as to bring a laptop to her dads 80th birthday, so we could all "meet" him. (via skype) At my wedding, she caught the bouquet, then sent him a message telling him he was in trouble cuz she caught it. Then had to tell everyone that when she said that, he said that wouldnt be too bad. WOOPDIEDOO! hello high school right? Shes also an alcoholic and at my wedding tried to steal the table runners cuz she "thought they were mine, not rented" and tried to drive home drunk. (running past everyone trying to stop her, after they told her she was too drunk. So all in all shes a piece of work. I dont know what kind of advise to give you as she doesnt listen to anyone unless they agree with her. All the best.

[opus88]

thx for input,,,however been there done that, she know what i think and for 2 yrs now there is a  real STRAIN on our relationship we see each other seldomly and its cool, I've tried every thing I know to try to change that all the while maintaining my stance on her ex...I just get her anger..
lucey and little in my opinion these women all have serious issues they aren't facing, loneliness and self esteem for starters, we can give our opinion but will only hurt our own relationships  with them until they are READY themselves to listen to reason..

[Lucey12]

Verry true. we had a sit down with her about her drinking. She blew up at us and said we dont understand. She always mentions how that was what puled her family apart, rather than facing the fact that it was strained before because of her drinking.

Some friends need to be tossed out the door. I had a friend who I was friend with for 3 years. We slipped apart, then one day she called me a really bad name (mh will just block it out anyway so no point in saying it) and that was it. A year later we graduated and for grad, I wanted to put our differences aside and not be enemies. We ended up being friends (not like we used to be, just occasional coffee kinda friends) for a year and a half, I asked her to be my maid of honor, she said yes, then took over, treated me like c r a p I mean really bad (she invited her self over whne I was feeling sick, tehn while she was there I got some bad news, she ignored me, invited HER friend to my house,a dn used all my things and they both ignored me), so I had to ask her not to be in my wedding party. She said it wasnt worth coming to the wedding, called me a bunch more names yada yada yada, that was 7 months ago and for the first time the other day I talked to her on the computer. Just to say hi, that was basically it. I made it quite clear I didnt want to be anymore than people who occasionally say hi. I have to say I was a really good friend to her always being there when she needed me even knowing we were drifting. Sometimes its better to step back till they can grow up. Thats what I did, when I realized there was no growing up, then thats it.

[Judy246]

OMG!!!! Scary isn't it. It's a whole different world out there with technology, but to fall in love with someone you haven't seen or met on the internet. Worse...drama without meeting the guy is just crazy!

[LittleTiny Me]

OMG ladies I am so sorry I was disconnected from the online world. So ty btw for all your replies. I have once again spoken to hear about her "issues" with this guy. As I am typing this....shes currently having bf issues. Shes telling me that she wants him to visit her during his vacation. But doesnt want to tell him bc she thinks he wont have enough time to save money to come see her. I told her, dont you think that by now (after 5 years) he would have saved $ and have more than enough to stay a bit here and see you already!?!?! but no! Im scared that if the day comes when you two met...he might not be "chris" but some pervert doing idk what or who knows what running through his mind....now she tells me..idk, now Im thinking about all this. She tells me she thinks shes holding him back!! Unbelievable. If anything...I think its him holding her back. Telling her sweet nothings to keep her there....

[megochick101]

He's probably a 13 yo boy playing on the internet. That's what I'm thinking.

[Judy246]

or a pervert waiting for that gullable girl just like her to prey on. Scary.

[megochick101]

Yeah i was thinking that too, or just some creepy guy who never intends to meet the woman and just gets off chatting with them online. Anyway you look at it, it's not anyones dream guy.

As to your friend, there's really nothing else you can do to help her. She is completely delusional and most likely has no self confidence if she is clinging to this "man"(quotations around that because heck for all she knows it could be a teenager/woman/old creep or just in general perverted person) The only thing I can suggest is to tell her you gave her your advice about this supposed relationship and tell her there's nothing else you can say to her about it and that you don't want to hear about him again.