My girlfriend says she's not happy

[Medman12]

Every 3 to 4 months she would talk to me and says she's unhappy or something to that effect, she say she love me that I'm a great boyfriend but, she not happy all the time  and it's all ways something different when she talks to me. I told her I don't do anything wrong and I want to be with her. One time she talked to me it was because I didn't want to go everywhere with her for example like to pick up something from a  grocery store or something or anywhere she have to go.  This time it's about I don't calm her down when she gets mad she has a serious temperature problem she gets mad at the smallest things.  She recently got mad because she couldn't find her coffee cup so broke dishes in the kitchen and tossed everything from the cover on the floor and left for work and got mad at me because she couldn't find it.  She's getting a divorce from her husband she went to parenting class in people were telling her why they're getting divorced Like communication problems not helping enough in the house or not fully connected.  She thinks we have some issues like does  and that scares her because she don't want to go to another divorce and if we ever get married. What to do ? and sometimes she don't even know why she's unhappy she can't explain she would just say everything and I'll be like everything like what ? and she was just shut down and won't speak to me  sometime I don't even know we both don't know why she unhappy.  But read my other relationship thread I have issues with her too but I find the happiness in between doses issues and love her for who she is. it's hard hearing someone every 3 to 4 months telling you you're not enough for them in a way it hurts.

[Nighthawk61]

There is a group called ACOA, or Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families. The point i'm making is this. Your girl is acting out like any out of control alcoholic. She is dysfunctional. The men that have been in her life know this, and that is probably why the ex boyfriend feels obligated to protect the child, and spend his time looking after her child, rather than having a family of his own. There is also another possibility. Your girlfriend may be good looking, and men will put up with her actions, just to be able to be around her. That is truly scary and it's not necessary, as there are many beautiful women out there, that either have no major dysfunctional issues, or have gotten help with those they have had. As it stands, i'm afraid that your girlfriend sounds like she is using men to make up for her own inadequacies and it may be happening because she is pleasing to look at and her daughter is in dire need of people that have such mental illness and men feel obligated to help the child. For the father this is understandable, however, if this unchecked dysfunction stops other eligible men from having families of their own, that would just be a shame. There is nothing as wonderful as having full control and full love from your own child and spouse. That's what you deserve. I'm sorry if it requires you to make big changes, as change can be uncomfortable for most people, but it would be so WORTHWHILE.

[Nighthawk61]

This sounds seriously co dependent behaviour. Your girl has never been on her own to fix her own problems. She seems to go from one relationship to another without any concern of processing the reasons why the relationship is not working. The fact that she is saying that the reasons for breaking up with her ex and her last boyfriend (who continues to play a major part in her life vis a vis her daughter) never is because of any of her own actions, proves the point. She is not taking any responsibility it seems for her own actions. Why would she? The men in her life are still in her life. If you and her broke up and you were emotionally connected to her daughter, could possibly have you included in her stable of men  beholden to help raise her daughter. She is HIV positive, without the psychological support of a therapist, and this may be one of the reasons why she's so angry and not in control of her anger. It seems totally ingrained in her to rather rely upon the men in her life to take responsibility (and accept blame) for her moods. If you refuse to take responsibility of her moods, you may find yourself the next casualty of this war she has going on inside of her, unchecked. One definition of co dependence in relationships is ..a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (dysfunction i.e. medically unchecked mental illness (anger issues); porn addictions; gambling, drugs alcohol etc.. Your girlfriend has to admit that she is not "perfect" that her life is not "perfect" the way it is. She is not taking responsibility of her personality issues with a therapist, or even taking the time alone to be able to process how to appreciate a man in her life. It is just easier for her to replace men, rather than to think about how to be her best self and therefore  being able to contribute her best self into a relationship. Being told that she is unhappy with her life with you every few months will drain you more and more throughout the year(s) until you too have a big problem with relationships when you finally may move on from this. Her problem will have become your problem, and like her, you will be bringing it with you into your next relationship,. What doesn't get admitted, worked on and fixed, will only live...

Co dependence is often accepted by those who have experienced co dependence in childhood or in prior relationships. It would be progressive if you were to deal with the co dependence in your relationship now. But, like any "intervention" it would require for you to insist upon her getting help through therapy with her anger management issues. This is not a healthy state for her daughter, to watch her mother's anger go unchecked and have a bevy of men co dependently covering or trying to make up for her missteps.

One comment earlier on in your posts, said, "If you think that you want children of your own, wouldn't it be nice for you to find a healthy women without baggage, (and without insisting that her mental health issues go unchecked).? For this to happen, it might be that you need to talk to a therapist, to find out why you are considering accepting a relationship that makes you the bad guy for another's problems (anger issues).

I feel for you so much. I've been in a co dependent relationship before, that ended badly and had me sick over it for years until i talked to a therapist and was able to make all the connections. I'm praying for your happiness. I'm praying that you will do the work to achieve stability in a relationship. I'm praying that you find a women healthy enough mentally to make you her world and want to have your children. As it should be .  

[Chima7]

If she's not even done with her divorce yet then you're better off moving out and leaving her alone until all of her divorce is final and even then taking it very slow, as in NOT moving in together and just dating for a while. As it is you're the rebound guy because of timing so you shouldn't put all of your hope in this actually lasting.

Also it sounds like she has quite a nasty temper. Throwing and breaking dishes? Really? I've never done that and I don't know any normal females in my life who have done that. It's a totally inappropriate display of anger. And she clearly doesn't communicate well. All of these things likely contributed to the ultimate breakdown of her marriage.

You really should not have moved in with her so quickly. She has a ton of baggage happening in her life right now and is not ready at all for another relationship. You're going to get hurt if you don't take a step back and truly view this relationship with eyes wide open.

[AnnieBrooke]

I so agree with Chima.  No normal person would throw and break dishes.  Period.  You are doing that thing guys tell each other not to do, which is, "Never date anyone crazier than you";  You should see the writing on the wall, she is out of control and will not get better.  All the sweet lines are just what she is saying to keep you hooked, like an abuser who hits his wife and then acts so super nice that she is fooled until next time.  How many demonstrations of instability will you put up with before you get the hint?

[Medman12]

I forgot one thing she will tell me the sweetest thing like I know God sent you to me I know that we're never going to
break up I know that we're gonna be together forever  and I believe these things but now I can't