My girlfriend was molested by her father

[Dday1331]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 4 years now. Shortly after we first met, she broke down one day while in bed attempting to make love, and told me about the horror she went through when her father molested her. It hit me like a 1,000 pounds on my heart and I broke down and cried with her. It was the saddest most heartbreaking thing and I had this terrible feeling like I wish I could have protected her, even though of course I know I couldn't have. What's even worse is that she won't let me meet her father and even though we've been living together for years now, he still doesn't even know I exist. Whenever she "has to go see him" she says its not her choice, I'm not allowed to come, at one point she even said " you'll just make it worse for me, trust me." She promises nothing has ever happened since she was a kid, she did end up telling her mom, but her mom then died. When she was 16 she slit her own wrists, not because she wanted to die, but because she wanted to go to a clinic just so that she wouldn't have to live with him. Why then, I wonder, does she go out of her way now, to protect him, make exscuses for him, and ultimately see him. I don't know how much longer my heart can deal with this sick situation, it just seems wrong, I'm not sure if I'm the one who's wrong though, or what to do. How can we move forward with our future, when there's this huge problem in the way?

[Londres70]

She won't let you meet the father and she is still going over to visit him? You can't come along for the visits?  Hmmm.........Has the father threatened her life or the life of whoever is involved with her?  Sounds really creepy and sick.  

No therapy at all?  If she isn't going to go, which apparently she needs to, then.....hmmm...........this is something that you would just have to accept IF you stay, and this is ALOT to accept.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I'm so sorry for your girlfriend to have had to suffer this horrible abuse in her life and by one of the very people that were suppose to protect her.  This does a lot of damage psychologically.  

Her reaction is one of someone that hasn't worked through the issue yet.  I wonder what kind of therapy she has gotten to help her understand how she was the victem and she owes this man nothing.  She may feel like he is her only parent and while the abuse happened, having a parent trumps that and she'll stay in contact.  That would be hard for me but we can not control reactions that people have.  However, the compartmentalizing of her life is worrisome.  This tells me that she needs to do some work to become emotionally healthy.  

Your best bet is to understand that she is a victem of abuse and hasn't fully healed yet.  You should encourage her in a loving and supportive way to do so.  If she won't, then you must decide if being with someone that has damaged emotions is the best place for you.  We have to take responsibility for helping ourselves and it may be time for your girlfriend to do that.  You can be there for her while she does.  

I do wish you luck.  Sometimes this can be a long journey but for both of your sakes, I hope it works out.  

[Paigiepoo]

The only thing i can relate your problem to is like a woman beaten by her husband. My boyfriends mom was mentally and physically abused by my boyfriends dad and i could not figure out why she still let him live in the house (even though they are divorced), pay his cell phone bill, make excuses for him etc....i honestly really started hating her for it. But its just what "battered" women do. I still dont understand it. I think they are just so mentally beaten down and feel attached and security with that person that they once loved. My boyfriend and i got involved. We had my boyfriends uncle come out and kick my boyfriends dad out of the house. We placed a restraining order on him and we moved his mom to a completely different state. She stopped paying for all his **** and she is doing 100% better now. I think your girlfriend might need a little push. Tell her how you feel. I dont blame you for feeling like you cant deal with it that much longer. And i dont understand why she would ever want to see her dad again either, but you need to talk to her about it. Explain how you feel, be upfront. Communication is key. It could be hard for her because he is her only parent left. My boyfriend still potentially wants a relationship with his abusive dad and i dont get that either. But i guess we dont understand cause we are not in their shoes. Just make it clear that you are there for her. When my boyfriend and i were trying to get his dad out of the house we always would say "there is only so much we can do". If his mom just didnt want the help time and time again what more can you do? as sad as it is. Find out how your girlfriend feels about the whole situation, ask her questions, you are her boyfriend you deserve to know. Have her explain herself to you and go from there. best of luck. let me know if u have more questions.