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My girlfriend won't have sex with me
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My girlfriend won't have sex with me

I'm 19 and so is my partner. We've been together for nearly two years. But we only have sex about once or twice a week. I do beliveve in romance, snd i do make quite a lot of effort. (going out for meals, holidays, suprise trips out and presents). But even four days in paris, nice hotel, and all the sight seeing, she  was still only interested once. We do have fun, playing squash, walking dogs and the like, but the romantic side of thigs seems to be so scripted with her, i could give you details of every sexual encounte, because they have very little varation. unless i pretty much force it. I don't mind that as much as the fact that unless i push the issue, i don't think there would be any sexual encounters at all.
On the romance side of things, the only things she buys me, are things that anyone who even vaguely knows me, wouldn't get me, like chocolate, sweets and very old man ish clothes. I can't stand sweets, and she should know this, by the way i always refuse them. I am not one to beat round the bush, if  i don't like something, i'll say. OBVIOUSLY, not nastily, but at some point i will make it very clear. I am not an unsensitive person.
Why does she not want to have sex with me more? I used to be madly in love with this girl but the constant rejection in the bedroom is pushing me away. There are only so many hugs and kisses i can give. I am quite a sensual person, and i do like sex. i know she enjoys it, without going into details.
But it is hard work getting her interested.
What am i doing wrong? and am i immoral for wanting to leave her because of it? I don't want to cheat on her but on drunken nights out it has been close.
Please give me your thoughs and opinions, no matter how frank.
Thanks in advance
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28 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Better start talking about it. That's all you can do is let her know in no uncertain terms that you are dissatisfied with your sex life and what can the 2 of you do together to resolve the problem. Assure her that you love her and WANT this to work out and are willing to put in the effort to get the sex going again.

But she has to want to work it, too. :(

I don't recommend cheating on her. If you feel you can't help yourself in this department, you need to make sure you contain your alcohol intake. You know your triggers. If booze is one of them, stick to 1 or 2 drinks and call it a night.

You are young. You might as well start talking about this with her very openly and frankly because you are going to be thrown into these situations again in the future with different partners. The likelihood you'll be together with her forever are about as likely as Obama waging peace in the Middle East. Sorry.

So at the very least consider it building your communication skills.
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285927_tn?1380802356
I dont think once or twice a week is a bad sex life. Just cause she does not want it every single day does not mean she has a  problem. Talk!
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145992_tn?1341348674
I agree with waringblender on this, talk it out with her.  Tell her how you are feeling.  Communication is best, even if you feel like she may get offended.  She may not know that she is doing something wrong.  

On another note, maybe you two are not compatible, great friends but as lovers, the spark is just not there.  Maybe she isn't a sexual person.  Was the sex more frequent earlier on in the relationship and as time went on it just became less and less?  

Do not cheat, it will just bring more problems to the relationship and you will also hurt her more than anything.  If this relationship is just not what you are looking for then you need to be honest and move on.  Don't stay with her because you don't want to hurt her feelings.  

Good luck, relationships are never easy.
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637356_tn?1301928422
I wish I was getting it once a week from my husband. When you are only getting it once every two months then I could feel your pain.

On another note I would talk to her now and let her know this isn't enough for you before things go to long and other things happen to cause more of a reason to be attached. Like kids or marriage.

Talk to her!
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684030_tn?1357024374
For some, "once or twice a week" is plenty. For others, like yourself... it's clearly not enough. Perhaps, the two of you can find a compromise or middle ground to work this out. Maybe... every other day, for starters? Then, there's that "variation" or quality issue that you alluded to. That can improve with experience. But, that experience can only come if the person is open and interested in experimenting and exploring, sexually. And, there in lies the problem... well, I say problem only because it's an issue with you. For her, it may perfectly normal and not a problem at all.  
Possibly, because she's only 19, she's still on a sexual "learning curve." It's also possible, and I suspect more likely that, like yourself, she already knows what she likes and doesn't like. And, you're both in parallel worlds when is comes to sex.
If that's the case, realize that she'll never be motivated and responsive in a manner that is more to your satisfaction and liking. She's simply not wired that way and you can only "push the issue" so far.
Now, you must ask yourself what I'm sure you already have, otherwise... you wouldn't be posting your dilemma, here. It's not so much as to whether or not you'll cheat on her. It's whether or not it's a deal breaker in the relationship?
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686059_tn?1293837427
I have to agree with teko...one or twice a week now a days is considered good. It's really important to communicate your concerns with your partner. You are only 19 yrs old and you have a lot of life ahead of you, so have a talk with your partner about your concerns and if there is something you can both do to improve your sex life...good luck!

Judy
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Avatar_f_tn
Tell her how you feel, so that she will know, she is not a mind reader. talk with her of all of the things that bother you about her, you may find out you do not have to much in common   luck  jo
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Avatar_n_tn
Wow, I'm amazed by fast response. Thanks for your thoughts, I have thought about it some more, and I think that it is more the fact that I always have to initiate things between us that bothers me far more than the frequency. Just because I know that I do things for her because I want to make her happy. I have spoken to her about it before, and she doesn't seem to change, she says she will but then doesn't.
I know that it is the chicken way out but we're both going to university this September, so I'll just see how it goes once there. At least then she'll have met other people then, and it might soften the blow a bit. There is no getting round it, she is a beautiful girl, she'll find someone else fast. I really don't want to hurt her, but I think she is more dependant on me than I am on her.
Having read some other questions on this forum, I see that things could be far far worse.
Thanks very much for your help and support, it feels a little odd to talk total strangers about this kind of thing, it's true though, it is far easier to be totally honest with people you don't know!
I am seeing her tomorrow, I'll talk to her then!!!


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Avatar_f_tn
I don't have any advice except don't cheat - break up with her and then sleep with someone else.  You have the option to stay or not... if its not working leave.  Cheating is not going to improve the situation and likely will be something you regret.
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Avatar_n_tn
Don't Cheat talk to her. 2-3 times a week isn't a bad sex life.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey there, It seems like maybe your girlfriend has an underlying problem? Maybe she doesnt feel confident enough or there could of been another issue she hasnt told you? Has she been in a sexual relationship before that ended badly? I think you need to talk to her, it seems like your doing everything right! I can understand your frustration at the moment, but I do recomend you talk to her and see what you can find out why she is isnt interested in having sex with you. Good luck :)
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285927_tn?1380802356
They have a saying about young guys. I do not mean this in a disrespectful way, so do not take it that way. It is said that a young guy is, Young, dumb and full of come.  Now with that said, your sexual appetite is very strong, much more so than your gf. This is very normal. It is also well known that a female comes into full sexual maturity at 30 something. That is not to say they do not enjoy sex before then, but not at the same rate as you.  As you get older, this will calm down, but for now, let me tell you that getting it a few times a week is really good for your gf. Lots of guys would be so jealous of you, they may be getting it one time a week or even one time a month or worse. Nothing to be upset about.
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363281_tn?1353103243
Well, call me old fashioned, but, if you are not married, then I feel you really have no business having sex at all. I know, "everyone does it" but, that does not make it right. Sex was reserved for a husband and a wife, and unless it is done in that matter, it never will be truly ful-filling, God simply did not intend for it to be that way.

To me, there is nothing more romantic than having saved yourself for your future husband/wife, and then on the wedding night, giving yourself to him/her, it is the ultimate love gift. You both belong entirly to one another.

But, like I said, I am old fashioned I guess.
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Avatar_f_tn
perhaps she doesn't want it more then that. not every woman likes to have sex 2 times a day every day. there are some of us who are happy with 2-3 times a week. hubby and i manage 2-4 times a week and we are more than satisfied with that.

if you can't handle 2-3 times a week save the girl the heart ache of you possibly cheating on her and break up with her. breaking up with her is kinder than cheating on her.
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Avatar_n_tn
Honestly, if you've tried talking to her several times and nothing has changed, then nothing is likely to change. This is coming from experience... more than once. I wasted many good years looking to change a woman. It doesn't happen that often. It's not like she's a bad person or anything, it's just that not all people are sexually compatable.

As for sassylady, having sex BEFORE marriage is key so you don't get stuck into this kind of situation for LIFE. This is exactly why people cheat and get divorced. Know your partner sexually BEFORE you get married. Marriage is a legal contract for life! Why leave anything to chance???
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1026463_tn?1252527021
yep you are pretty immoral for wanting to dump a girl after 2 years bc she wont **** you every night. let me tell you the average amount of sex people have in relationships is about 2 per week. why would want to cheat on her? bc that girl would be one night anyway, after being in a long relationship a hormone called oxytocin "the cuddle hormone" releases and sex isnt as passionate and on the mind 24/7. but if your a big enough jerk as to consider leaving/cheating on your gf after 2 years maybe you are the type of guy who wants no commitment sex and with any girl any time then i feel bad for her and you should leave her. if your just horny and had a perverted jerk moment then consider this sex with her 2-3 times a week is better then you could prolly get which random hookups with girls anyway. dont stop loving a girl bc shes not a nympho thats ****** up.
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Avatar_f_tn
you are young 1/2 times a week is good youll see that when your old and married. heres my guess. a big % of girls do not orgasim while having sex. Here's what to do, Make her climax orally. Take your time and be gentle. If you love her you will. Then after she has"gone" do your thing with her. If you make her happy by making her climax she wont mind if you take 3-5 minutes to get off. good luck.
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Avatar_m_tn
im having similiar problems. I've been with my fiance for three years. We got engaged when i was overseas and had a strong relationship. She is my best friend in the world and i love her dearly. We had sex quit often before i left for my deployment. It has been over six months since i have been back and she hasn't wanted to have sex once. We have sex probably once a month but its never her choice. She never wants to saying lets make this quick or i dont want to but i want to make you happy. But i try so much just to turn her on. I give countless back rubs and try to affectinent things. She neve even likes to talk about sex, even though i have been trying hard to figure out what is going on. I now often ask her if something happened when i was gone, being something of cheating or rape. I am a very sexual person, but i would be satisfied with her want it a couple times a week. I just want her to want to have sex once since i have been back. We missed out on sex for a year already. She seems to not want to kiss me or anything anymore. I DO NOT want to cheat on her and want to be with her forever but i am so lost right now. I cant even bring up the subject to her. I am willing to try anything to get this going again. I hope she isnt cheating but the thought crosses my mind so much now just because she wont have sex with me. Any ideas.
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Avatar_m_tn
Many of you are missing this guy's point completely.  What bothers him is not the frequency of sex as much as it is the fact that she doesn't initiate.  I imagine that if he stopped initiating altogether, then he may never get laid at all.  I heard a story told by a therapist of a married couple that had similar problems.  After feeling unwanted for so long, the husband just stopped initiating to see how long it would take for his wife to give him affection.  He waited two months, before he broke down to her and couldn't stand the pain any longer.  Women, some of us men feel loved when we receive affection.  We are not made of stone, and if you never initiate intimacy, that feels just as bad as if you were reject us outright.

It's not about the frequency as much as it is the feeling of being wanted.  He has a legitimate reason to consider leaving her because the constant feeling of rejection can, and will, lead to resentment which will not make either of them happy in the long run.  

I was in a similar situation with my ex-girlfriend, so much so that we had to go to couple's therapy for it.  We communicated openly about it, but very little changed in the long run.  She ended up sharing to the therapist in session that she had horrible sexual experiences with insensitive, even abusive, men in the past, therefore she feared initiating intimacy.  That, and her birth control almost totally destroyed her libido.  In the end we had to call it quits, although we were emotionally vested in each other, and today we are both much happier for it.  

Sexual chemistry is NECESSARY in maintaining a healthy lasting relationship.  It's not everything, but it needs to be there.  

My recommendation to this guy is to be a man, and tell her how you feel.  Tell her that it hurts that she doesn't want you and that you need that physical affection from the person you love.  You are 19 years old, and I guarantee you there are other girls out there that would have no problem satisfying your emotional need to be wanted.  She's just not doing it, and that probably has nothing to do with you (from what you wrote it seems like you are putting in more than enough effort).  

Call it quits, face to face, wipe her tears, and move on.  It's better for the both of you that way.
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Avatar_m_tn
I've got the same problem but worse. We're married after being together for 2 years and i'm lucky to get it twice a month. Thats only if i force it or give the guilt trip. I really don't know what has changed from the first 9-11 months of us being togther when we did it alot?  I'm very generous in the bedroom and make her happy, but i never get anything in return? This year 6 standerd boring shags( with little intrest) and 0 blow jobs? I don't know what advice too give to you kayak but if it doesn't get better fast, soon leave! leave now! Or your be stuck being unsatisfied like me. I'm 50/50 on what i should do? young marriage, no sex????? I love her but i can't stay like this and i don't want to hurt her by cheating. So maybe i'll wait then leave??? NOway kids, I'll talk to her for the millionth time and get nowhere and then deside?
Good luck.
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Avatar_m_tn
you have it good right now, i have been dating my girl friend for nearly 2 years as well and i am also 19 and she is 17. we have has sex 3 times in our entire relationship, and we haven't have had sex for almost 9 months. so be happy with what you have
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, kitchenboy, your girlfriend is underage and was 15 when you started dating.  She's a girl still and probably doesn't want to get pregnant.  Not a bad idea to abstain and I'm sure it has much more to do with the stage of life she is in vs. her sexual drive.    
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637356_tn?1301928422
I am sorry for hijacking this post but I read what you said to Kayak and it hit home with me!  We have been married almost 10 years now and for the past 3 or more years my husband will not initiate sex. That was how it started anyway and now he just won't have sex with me at all! I can initiate and I get told night after night after night... not tonight Im to tired... I am the one that works not him! It hurts and it *****! I feel fat, ugly, and just down right usexy.  I have womaned up and told him!

"My recommendation to this guy is to be a man, and tell her how you feel.  Tell her that it hurts that she doesn't want you and that you need that physical affection from the person you love."

I have told him this exactly! I have even told him it wasnt' as much about "getting off" as it was about feeling the unity and the affection from him!  
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Avatar_n_tn
SHE HAS LOST INTEREST AND IS NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU ANYMORE. LEAVE HER AND FIND SOMEONE WHO IS. YOU WILL NEVER GET THE ATTRACTION BACK.  I HAVE BEEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS SITUATION AND I KEPT THEM AROUND BECAUSE THEY WERE NICE TO ME AND PAMPERED ME, BUT I COULDNT STAND TO KISS THEM OR HAVE SEX WITH THEM ANYMORE. EVEN THOUGH I DID IN THE BEGINNING.
THIS IS THE TRUTH MY FRIEND, CUT YOUR LOSSES AND MOVE ON.
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Avatar_m_tn
i must say maybe she is trying to leave you ...she buys you things that she knows you hate!!!!.....i see it as a way to make you breake up with her......but maybe is still hope for you...try provokin her..talk to her , but nicely ...what would you do if she is distracted from some problem of hers.......talk to her ......and man      once .....a week is enough...you need to build up emotions ,romance......sex is not everything ...but is something...
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Avatar_m_tn
and tell us what hapen with her... is a happy ending...???
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Avatar_n_tn
idk if the rest of u read his post he said he gets it twice a weeek bc he forces her that means if he didnt he wouldnt get any how about u read the post before u try to help someone and idk if u guys ever thought maybe they have talked about but nothing gets done,
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Avatar_f_tn
honestly...me being me...i would leave---everyone has needs...and after confrontation, if my partner was still not giving me any.....**** THEM!!... lol who wants to walk around feeling deppressed, and have a lowered self esteem....that's when all the worries come along, "is it me...is it someone else...maybe im not doing something right...maybe i did something wrong....etc...."

You always gotta let your partner know how you feel...that's the first step...then go from there...

I hope this helps people....Because now and days we let love hurt us more than we can handle...but in all actuality we stick around for it to hurt even more....
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