My husband gave me Chlamydia. Now what?

[StarFreckle]

After a few months of feeling sick, I found out last week that I have chlamydia.  I have to say part of me was not surprised.  I had always suspected he had been cheating on me throughout our marriage (12 years.  We are in our mid-30s).  I could never prove it.  I didn't really want to.  It's hard to accept but now I guess I have to.  

When I found out about the Chlamydia, I wrote him a letter to read in front of me.  It was a good letter - very matter of fact.  I didn't threaten or give ultimatums.  I told him I was still committed to him and I believe he is to me - but that my trust is shattered and I am very angry.  I told him I want us to go to counseling and that we can fix whatever is wrong.  I wrote the letter in such a way that he has nothing to lose by being honest with me and admitting he cheated.  I basically said - "You cheated.  I know it and you know it.  And now I have an STD because of it.  How are we going to deal with this?"  He read the letter.  He turned beat red.  I left the room to give him some time to process it.  He came to me and offered a very strong denial that he has ever had sex outside of our marriage.  I started to cry and told him I don't believe him.  

He insists I got this from a couple we have fooled around with a few times - the last time was over a year ago.  We know that couple very well and based on what we've done together (no sex other than oral between the wife and I) and what I know about them (a lot), I have ruled them out as the cause.   I started having symptoms about 3 months ago.  From what I've read, IF symptoms occur, they do so within a few weeks of becoming infected.  And if it's from oral sex, there are usually oral symptoms, which I haven't had.

He has pretty much let the subject drop, but has told me he loves me more times in the past few days than he has in a month.  He hasn't confronted me about whether or not I've cheated.  He hasn't asked me how I'm feeling since taking the medication.  I told him that I'm depressed about this and having a hard time with it - and he was evasive and changed the subject.  Yesterday, he told me I need to lighten up.  ?!  

Two nights ago, I told him I want to go to couples therapy.  His response was that he has other problems going on (work) and that our marriage is the only thing he doesn't have a problem with at the moment.  ?!  I guess giving your wife an STD doesn't qualify as a marital problem?  And if counseling won't benefit him, he doesn't consider that I need us to go for ME?  I am so angry on so many levels and I don't know how to express it to him.  

Sorry for the long-windedness - there is NO one I can talk to about this and I'm ready to burst.  I guess what I'm asking for is advice about how I can ever move on from this if he isn't willing to admit the cheating or even get counseling?  I feel disgusting and diseased right now and I'm not sure I'll ever want to have sex again.  He acts as if I caught a cold and wonders why I'm sad about it.  

I am going to seek counseling for myself if he doesn't agree to go together, but I think that can only help so much.  

Thanks for any support or advice.  I'm really at a loss.  

[unknown1990]

My boyfriend of four years gave me chlamydia.I have NEVER cheated on him. He goes out a lot and never answers his phone so Ive always suspected him of cheating. PLus, I found girls' numbers in his call log. Well I recently started my period but It was too soon and very much heavier than usual. Ive had a miscarriage before and have had to get a D&C to scrape out the remians. WHen I went into the ER the other night, they said they had to test me for STDs because my insides were inflammatory. My boyfriend was in the room with me when they said that STDs could be a cause. Right away he started calling me names n saying that i was dirty. I know I nrever cheated on him so i knew if those test results came out positive that he was at fault.
So three days later my doctor calls me and says my results for STDs came out negative. I called my boyfriend to tell him the news and we right away saw eachother and had sex many times.
THen the next morning a nurse calls me to tell me I have chlamydia and they had missed it.
I didnt want to tell my boyfriend because I knew he would automatically blame it on me and make me cry. I lov ehim so much so I just had to tell him because he obviuosly neede to be treated too

Like i thought he blamed it on me and startd cursing and saying that i was dead to him and that i am a *****. I asked him repeatiously to admit it but he didnt. He kept the blame on me. Now we arent talking and I even told him I am willing to do A lie detector test. Easter is tomorrow and were supposed to spend it together but were not.

Im confused. Is it wrong to still want to be with him after he gave this to me?

[denise_m09]

Starfreckle,

I am sorry you have to go through this with your husband.  My hubby gave me as STD back in March and he lied through his a@@ that he didn't do anything.  My cousin (who cheated lots in his marriage) told me that a man would lie about cheating even if he gets caught.  He said its pretty much a "man thing."  So I honestly don't think your hubby will ever admit that he cheated.  I would give this advice, go to the counselor for yourself.  Work on YOU and to make YOURSELF a better YOU.  Counseling has helped me.  I'm back in school, I'm back in church and I'm doing things to make me happy.  I am changing for the better.  I am still with my hubby.  My trust in him has been shattered.  I don't know how religious you are, but GOD has really helped me. The fact that your hubby is avoiding the issue lets you know he is guilty.  My hubby did the same thing.  

When you and your hubby decided to engage in "swinging" with the other couple, it was only with this one couple and no one else.  And he did betray you.  

Right now, you are full of rage, and probably hate or close to hating your hubby for what he did.  I know.  This is how I was feeling about my own hubby.  I wanted to hurt him.  Counseling help me with all of this.  Like I said, I decided to take my life back and work on me.  This is what you need to do.  And it time, the hurt will get better.  You will never forget, but in order for you to heal, you must forgive.  Forgiving is the hardest thing for you to do.  I know it.  But I know you can do it.

Don't let anyone on this forum upset you.  Its their opinion and how they feel.  Sometimes, peopke just don't understand the situation.  I do.  I know I am rambling right now.  But just work on you.  Work on that anger and go to counseling.  If you dont, it will destroy you.  And its not worth it.  I hope this helps.

[laminas]

WOW..... I read all these posts with a dropped jaw.  To everyone who didn't agree with this womans lifestyle choice, Why did you bother posting a comment????  I understand the idea of free speach and all but if you really weren't going to help her, why post?

Starfreckle did not ask anyone to point out how 'apparently' wrong her lifestyle is.  She asked advice on a problem she is having.  I cannot see anywhere where that occured.

To Starfreckle: The way your husband behaved after finding out about your STD seems pretty appalling.  If he is going to cheat on you and then treat you that way after he is caught, I would think he is not deserving of you.  I'm with katarina777, you have my empathy.
Good luck in figuring it all out.

[katarina777]

and of course he cheated and passed it on to you.

[katarina777]

I am shocked about all these comments as well, and I feel about it the same way you do. i just don't understand and I am so sorry you got hurt here. (I mean, I would feel the same way even if nobody did anything wrong)

You've got my empathy,

KAT

[StarFreckle]

Apparently, yes, my marriage is a sham.  But what we've done together hasn't made it so.  It's what he did on his own.  

Thanks for all the advice.  (wait was there advice?  hard to tell with all the harsh criticism.)

Talk about me amongst yourself if you must but I am no longer reading this thread and I'm deleting my account.  

[DTennis]

I feel for you.... I too found out I had clamedia the day before thanksgiving. He denied it. Then woke me up thanksgiving to say yes he slept with two escorts. We started counseling with a sex therapist who had him do s formal disclosure. 2 days before Christmas he confesses it was 13 escorts with 3 times being in my house and once in my bed. I had my gallbladder taken out cause I was sick and I also found out based on the timing that it was the untreated std. These men are so stupid not using a condom with people who are sleeping with many people everyday.  They deserve a horrible std .....the sad part is the innocent partner doesn't get a choice. And the escorts who know these men are married are horrible too. The only word for all this is devastating!!!!

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I agree with most of the other posters here.  I think marriage is about 2 people who are committed to each other and no one else.  So by being committed to each other you are only having sex with one another.  So it is very difficult to give advise.  To me, anytime 1 person is with someone other than their spouse (no matter the circumstances), that is infidelity.  If that doesn't happen, no one will end up with an STD.  If I had sex or messed around with anyone other than my spouse (whether it be a man or a woman), I'd be cheating on my husband and I would never do that.  And if my husband felt like he needed to be with someone other than me, he wouldn't be my husband anymore.

Best of luck.....

[mayflowers]

This is an open forum and you get the kind of answers you get.  We aren't therapists or councilors for heavens sake.  I'm giving you my opinion and if you don't like it, then maybe it's stricking some sort of chord inside you that you should be listening too.

I stand my what I said and now have more to add.  You can't trust people who engage in the types of behaviors you guys do.  If they can do that WHILE their spouse is watching, imagine what someone will do when their spouse isn't watching. The other lady was tested 3 yrs ago?  She should be getting tested every 3 months at least as should you all.   Get your head out of the sand lady and get some self respect.

If you had a daughter, and she came and told you this story, what would you say to her?  Geez, I would kick my daughters' a$$ from here to high heaven if she was doing this stuff.  Your marriage is a sham.

[jo929]

I am sorry that you are going through this,, and i know nothing, about how long it takes to get whaever you have, but I am going to agree with most of the others, I really do not see why he should take all of the blame, as you both participated with the other couple, and this does not leave you blameless, To me a marriage is between two people who love each other,, and not a forsome. sorry if i offend you, but maybe you both need counseling, if you are going to stay married  luck  jo

[StarFreckle]

Wow.  I really didn't want to have to detail this but here goes...

We don't engage in group sex.   We do not have an open marriage.  

I know what we've done is not traditional - but we haven't been running around having random, no-rules sex with other people.

We have gotten together with this other couple a handful of times - and the men don't do anything but watch the girls make-out.  Sometimes the girls have oral sex with each other.  Sometimes not.  It is actually rather tame in comparison to open marriages and group sex.

We have known this couple for a long time.  They are very open about their sex life and there is no other sex with any other people.  We would know - they would tell us.  The wife might make out with another woman from time to time but it does not go nearly as far as we have gone. In fact, it's just kissing and touching through clothing.  

And like I said - the last time was well over a year ago.  And no oral sex happened that time, actually.  

They have a young child and so the wife was tested for STDs at least 3 years ago.  Since having her child, they have been with no one except us, and that's been very infrequent. Oral sex has been even more infrequent.  

Doing this sort of thing was a mutual choice between my husband and I, and there are ground rules.  There is no vaginal or anal sex.  The men are not heavily engaged in any activities except with their own spouse.  

At no time have my husband and I talked about an open marriage, or getting together with anyone on our own.  We have specifically talked about what cheating means to us - it means engaging in ANY intimate activity (kissing included) with another person without the knowledge or consent of one other. I have told him that it would be the most hurtful thing he could do to me and that I would be devastated. I told him that I realize we have been together since we were very young and it's understandable that we would be attracted to other people - getting together with our friends is a safe (stop snickering) way to explore that without hurting each other.  We had a conversation about cheating a month after I started feeling sick (before knowing why.)  He said "I feel that your wife should be your best friend and your ideal sex partner and if you have that, there is no reason to cheat.  And I have that."  He had already given me Chlamydia when he said this to me.  I asked for that kind of manipulative behavior because I let him watch me make out with another woman?!

In fact, he also says that he has no reason to cheat because we can get together with women as a couple.  He has never asked me if he can take things further in those scenarios.  He says he is content to kiss the other woman, maybe have her touch him, but mostly he likes to watch us and then have sex with me.  

What HE has done here is have unprotected sex with someone (who knows how often or how many women) without my knowledge, knowing how I'd feel about it.  He has assured me time and time again that he wouldn't cheat on me, isn't cheating on me, I have nothing to worry about.   He continually turns me down for sex but is obviously having sex with someone else. He gave me a freaking STD.  He lied when confronted with evidence.  He is showing no remorse or desire to deal with what this has done to me.   He is refusing to acknowledge that I am angry and betrayed and have a right to feel that way.  This is the exact opposite of the intention of what we do with this other couple.  That is about honesty and open-mindedness and acknowledging each other's sexuality and desires, sharing an experience together.  This was about selfishly acting upon desires, being manipulative and dishonest, withholding sex, and not having the courtesy to protect either one of us.  

You know what - I was hoping for some sort of understanding and support here but now I'm finding myself explaining and defending myself.  Thanks you guys.  Please do not continue to discuss or post about this.  I wish I could delete my post.  

[Rangers22]

Calm down…I said you were being judgmental, I never said you were not entitled to feel that way. I have no idea why you are responding to me.  Perhaps because we are in a forum and that is what people do.  Imagine that people are responding to each other in a forum.  What’s next people chatting in chat rooms

It just seems to me that many of you don’t agree with her lifestyle so you decide to blast rather than offer the least bit of comfort and/or sympathy.

Maybe I see it that way because I’m a guy or because I was cheated on, or I made a mistake recently, or maybe it is generational, I notice most of you are 48 and older but a little compassion wouldn’t hurt.

[mayflowers]

Listen to Teko and RockRose on this one.  I am speechless.  No wait a minute, I do have something to say: Why did you bother getting married in the first place if you wanted to have group sex? For a man, that's like giving him a license to cheat and most don't need a push like that.

I think you really need to find out why you let someone treat you like you are not valuable, like your health and feelings don't matter.  My guess is you weren't valued growing up and therefore don't expect much from the current people around you.  And your husband sounds heartless.

[RockRose]

Rangers,  it is common for women who engage in group sex to pass Chlamydia orally.  Once you get partners in the picture who do it in groups,  diseases are easily transmitted.

And I didn't mean to sound as judgemental as surprised.  Once it's okay in a marriage to have sex with other people,  it's okay.  That's a barrier that's been crossed,  and making a very fine point of saying we'll have sex with other people under these circumstances,  and not under other circumstances,  doesn't work.

[Rangers22]

WOW....Lets all hold up with the judgment for a minute, please.

Why could they not agree to have “encounters” with the aforementioned couple only, and not by with others or individually?  In that case they know what each other is doing and there are no surprises.  I could understand that.

It is possible that the woman could have passed the Chlamydia orally although that is not very common.

[RockRose]

I don't see how you can rule out that other woman as the cause of your chlamydia.  This is passed VERY easily from woman to woman.

If you are having group sex several times with another couple,  I really don't understand why you don't allow your husband to have sex with another woman.  I don't see any boundaries at al in your marriage.  He's not really "cheating" if you already have an open marriage.

[Rangers22]

I posted this in the Chlamydia forum as well....

Take it from me, when a partner is caught red handed cheating and denies it or won’t go for couple therapy afterwards it is not good sign for the future of the relationship.  I had an 8 year relationship end because of it.  I would recommend you see a counselor it will help a great deal.  It did for me.  

The activity with the other couple is that because you two were having issues/problems or was it by choice?  That could have been a sign, not sure if I’m out of bounds here or not.

I also would advise you get an HIV test.