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My husband keep asking me the details of my affair that I can't really remember

What will I do my husband keep asking me the details of the affair i had years ago which I totally can't remember any of it. I got so traumatized on that experience that I erased it in my memory. Now he wants to know the details and he doesn't buy it that I can't remember anything. I want to remember for the sake of my husband and wanted to save our marriage but I'm really having a hard time remembering every detail of that affair. Is it possible for that to happen? What will I do about? Is there a way that I can remember what I erased years ago?
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Avatar universal
Apparently you people have never been cheated on in your life . Years ago or recently , the details matter for the cheated on spouse because they are trying to piece together a puzzle that they have never seen before . Just because some of you think it should never be spoken of again ,doesn't mean the cheated on spouse can ever forget . Your asking this person to just forget a part of their life as well . A part they have no clue of . No they were not in the affair but it was a part of there life that was going on without them. For one thing it helps to bring it out in the open , breaks the deception , the hiding , the lying .  For it can't really be an affair if both spouses know about it .
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Thank you, This is true. My story is very similar. I dated my wife for a year and a half before getting married. Ive been married 22 years. She was molested my her older half brother when she was young. He died at 20 from drug overdose.
At years 6 and 10 she had affairs. She agreed to quit working since both times it was with co-workers. both times was a few months long and both times she ended up moving out and leaving me and the kids home for a short time. the last affair was 12 years ago, at the time she agreed to tell me all the details which were graphic, and we would stay together for the kids... My youngest will graduate in 3 months from high school. A few months ago she confessed her love for me saying she has never loved me or anyone before.. I must admit I come to admire the woman for staying 12 years without ever hearing "I love you", taking care of our kids, making my coffee every morning. But love? What a shock!
After a few weeks I began believing her and realizing I could not stay unless her claim to be fixed of her problems was indeed true. I told her that if it was going to work she must come clean with any lies she had told in the past....WOW what a list. The included discussing details of the first affair as well as other guys she had talked to and went on dates with before the "1st affair" it came down to 7 inappropriate actions in our first 10 years.
Now the problem she keeps lying and then telling the truth about the last affair..and her story makes no sense and she agrees but claims she just can't remember.....
I honestly think she is crazy. I do love her but I don't know if I can stay with a person like this....
I think that you should ask your wife to attend marriage counseling with you, so that you have an objective 3rd party that can help you both to try to move on from this, and if not, make sure that you both have support you'll need to move forward.  You are not wrong to consider not staying with your wife, and your feelings on this matter need to be dealt with, maybe privately with the therapist. I wish you every success getting to a better place. You deserve to be in a good place in your life, and if that means moving on, that's what it means. It's possible to find another partner, without this drama being part of the equation. At the least, connection with a therapist for both of you, will help moving on to a better place, together or apart.
Avatar universal
I am in the same situation.  I cheated on my then boyfriend . Lied when I got caught riding with him . Got pregnant months after I ended affair. We got married . That was 40 yrs ago. One night he decided that it was time for me to be held responsible for that and every thing else . So out of the blue he shows me a video of me and him at a place. Asked me if I F$&@; that night. And my ******* said I don’t know I don’t remember that night! Well that didn’t go over well. That was over 4 yrs ago and we are still trying to answer that question.
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Have you considered therapy? If you want to stay with him, try couples therapy. This sounds like a toxic and unsustainable situation as things go right now.
Avatar universal
I have read that the emotional trama and shame of an afair does have an effect on the memory of the offending spouse.  After over 40 years after the afair, I did some research on forgiving and forgetting that was not particularly associated with the distant afair, but the the details of the afair became associated with the research. I can remember the details of what my wife said on D-day but she can't. After the afair, we went on a long road trip back East to relocate. On the trip she says I repeatedly ask her to apologise and I wanted her to be sorry for what she did, but I don't remember doing that. I know and trust her too much to disbelief her. It seems that her memory has erased details she told me back then and my memory is not able to bring up what I was harping on during our long trip. When the original post stated that she could not remember the details, I believe her based on what happened to my wife and myself. Our love never stopped and after much prayer and two children our lives are rich and healed.
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Avatar universal
This is an old post but I would like to respond by saying that time will tell whether or not your marriage can be saved. I have a similar story and that I revealed a one night stand affair to my husband almost 10 years after it happened, it was before our kids were born during a very unhappy time in our marriage for me.
After disclosing the affair, he became so angry and resentful and upset, understandably so. But what he did to me for the next year made me feel more shame then I thought I had already endured with the one night stand.
Hey abused me sexually and forced anal sex on me even though I told him I wasn’t comfortable doing it and was in pain. He made me sit at the television and watch pornography tapes that he had calling me a ***** like the women were that he was making me watch and when I would turn my head away he would turn my head back to the TV until he was ready for me to be finished watching. I was called a ***** daily and made to have sex at any given moment he desired to make up for all of the lost sex we had not had. The shame after the affair was horrible to live with for all of those years and when I finally confessed I guess I had no idea and what I was in store for The shame after the affair was horrible to live with for all of those years and when I finally confessed I guess I had no idea and what I was in store for because of the hurt I caused him. His demands and horrible accusations went on for years. He kept asking for the story again and again and again and I finally told him I have no more details to give this is what happened these are my memories of it but he will still to this day not accept my explanation.
We stayed together because of the children we had together and now they are almost out of high school. He has not stopped bringing it up for over 10 years. I cannot make him Believe me enough and the hurt I have caused him because of it I understand the pain I brought upon him and thought that after all of the sexual abuse and bludgeoning me with name calling for so long would be enough to make him realize I was truly sorry. I don’t think I can do this anymore. He will not go to therapy because he does not believe in it. I have done everything possible to get him to go. He looks down on people for speaking to a therapist. I hate threatening divorce because our kids are still home and in school but I’m just not sure I can do the random verbal attacks/abuse anymore.
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9 Comments
He got his revenge a long time ago, and is just being sadistic now. What your kids must have witnessed about this (and drawn conclusions about women's roles in relationships) I hate to even wonder. Go see a divorce lawyer and lay it all out. Your husband committed crimes against you for ten years. Time to say no more.
Thank you for your encouragement- this is the first time I’ve ever opened up about this online. Problem is that he is a divorce attorney.  :(
All the more reason to see a good divorce attorney, preferably one that is not your husband's friend. Your husband should agree to a good settlement rather than have all of this put in the public record. Your attorney should pick a venue and judge where your husband pleads cases often. A good settlement should be forthcoming.

What your husband did is against the law, it is abuse, and frankly it is so cruel that the surprise is that you didn't take the kids and go long ago. I know he has you beaten down, but look up women's reactions to abuse and you will see you aren't alone in how you reacted. Yes, you had a one-time affair long, long ago. But nothing merits what he did. He could be thrown into jail for it. All you want is out, and support.
As a famous lawyer once said, an attorney who represents himself has a fool for a lawyer.  Don't worry about him being a divorce lawyer, it won't help him any in his own case as he knows good and well he has been assaulting and battering you for years now.  Can't say I understand why you put up with it.  You did wrong by him, but that doesn't give him the right to do what he did.  He could have left you.  He could have cried.  He could have yelled and screamed and ranted and raved and then gotten over it.  What he was never allowed to do is physically and emotionally batter you over it for 10 years.  And seriously, in this day and age, anyone who still has that I don't believe in therapy attitude is so paleolithic, do you really want to be with someone that stupid?  I know I'm sounding harsh here, but I've been cheated on by women a lot in my life.  It's just bad luck it happened to me several times, it is what it is, and I'm not going to tell you I was pleasant about it.  But there's a difference between getting a little revenge by saying bad things to someone for a couple weeks and battering someone this way.  Your husband had a grievance, and you should never have mentioned it in the first place since you still loved him, but he's also responsible for civil behavior.  He's dangerous, and if what you're saying is true, you should have left long ago.  Once you're gone to a safe place, you can see if he will then see there are consequences and maybe he'll do something to make peace with this, but trust me on this, I was an attorney myself, and nobody knows when you have a bad case better than an attorney.  He'll let you have everything you want just to prevent you from filing criminal charges against him.  That's my two cents worth, anyway.
Actually, I think the quote was probably has a fool for a client.
I have been living with it this long to keep the family together for the kids- which is why he said he didn’t leave me long ago.
He is a preachers son and knows how to fake it well. Our kids never experienced or witnessed the verbal wrath he has laid upon me all these years regarding the incident I had. All of it has been done behind closed doors. There were times when the kids were young that I would try to escape into their room at night and lay by them quietly thinking he would not come in there to get me out but I was wrong and he stood over me in their beds and threatened to wake them if I would not get up. I didn’t want them to experience trauma so I would get up and go back in the room with him.
I am coming to terms with this and I know something needs to be done. Our kids are old enough now and have formed their own opinions about him with his alcohol use and self righteous attacks defending it.
Thank you for the encouragement.
Please talk to a counselor (possibly someone recommended by women's shelter), about strategies to stay safe while you work out how to separate from him. He might increase the battery or take it out on the kids; you all need a safe path to walk.
As someone who's parents stayed together for the kids - please don't.

Your kids may not see the fights, but they feel the tension. They may hear it. They know you aren't happy, and probably know you are afraid of their father. They are learning that being in a family with tension is normal, and that relationships generally suck.

When you leave upon their reaching adulthood, or tell them one day - or a family member does, as in my case - that you stayed for them, they won't feel grateful. They will feel guilty and resentful and just really sad that neither of their parents were happy because they stayed together for them.

Your kids are old enough know to know he has an alcohol problem and have opinions about it. They have opinions about you putting up with it, and keeping them there, too, where no one is safe.

Kids would rather be from a "broken home" than live in one. I don't say this to guilt you but to try and really impress upon you how important it is for you and your kids to leave. Staying together for the kids puts responsibility and an environment on them that they don't deserve.  Annie made a really good suggestion to talk to a counselor about strategies to leave safely. That's really, really important.

I wish you the very best.
As to his being a divorce attorney, check the laws in your state.  Some are iron clad about asset splitting such as my state.  I don't judge anyone who stays for kids.  My parents did divorce and it was very hard.  There is no right or wrong answer, this is all challenging to navigate.  But since you did stay together with him for the kids even with the abuse you suffered, you can consider options now.  Researching exactly what they are will be helpful but would definitely do that on the down low. Would you have the means for your own divorce attorney?
Avatar universal
I will risk sounding rude here but I completely understand your husband. When I was cheated on I also wanted to know all the details. Because from those details I can piece together an entire picture of why it happened, therefore would be able to understand or forgive my husband. he never gave me the answers i wanted so I never forgave. The situation is even made worse when it sounds that you want to portray yourself as a victim. Stating that you cheating made YOU traumatized. If my significant other did it to me and then tried to cop out of it by portraying themselves as a victim (no matter if it's true or not) that would be the fastest break up in history. You stating you don't remember doesn't help as it also sounds as you cheated and it meant absolutely nothing to you, like it is an everyday occurrence so you can't remember the details, which is on it's own terrifying.  I can't remember what I ate 10 days ago, but I can remember important details, whether positive or negative. I as one find it hard to believe you cannot remember the details of your ONLY afair ever? Or maybe it wasn't the only one. That is how your husband is thinking.

On the side note from personal experience, it is unlikely that your marriage will last. It is and will always be at the back of his mind. Had the same situation with cheating partner, never got over it, never forgave, never forgot. So in my mind I believed I he is not owed faithfulness on my part. And I wasn't faithful and we split after 10 years. I know my affair doesn't justify it, but I'd be miserable anyway knowing he did it and got away with it...many times. Relationships based in lies won't last when those lies are exposed.
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It's not rude.  We're all just sharing our experience and opinions here.  I understand what you are saying.  There is a 'need to know' feeling.  And we have a right to know.  The only problem is that sometimes it creates a lot of images for us that are even harder to get over.  How long it went on,, how serious it was, if they had sex unprotected, if our mutual friends/family knows, etc. are all important to know. But details of HOW they had sex, where they went and what they did together all just really stings.  Our natural curiosity is to want to know. And frankly, the person who cheated should be on the hot seat to answer anything and everything we ask. But there is that side of things about how good is it for us to know.  If one MUST have answers, I think there is a period of time in which that should be respected and answers given. Years of it?  No. I think also, the person who was cheated on IF they are choosing to try to salvage a relationship, also has to begin to stop dwelling on the details of the affair.

However you are also talking about something different in my view. The trust issue. Is this the only one?  How can I feel confident there won't be more? I think those are legitimate concerns that have to be sorted out. Not so much by hashing every detail of the affair out but through meaningful conversation. I think a therapist is almost essential to get through this! Wanting to know WhY is different than wanting to know if she and your husband ate at your favorite place. :>)  To restore trust, understanding why is definitely important though.

I agree that any marriage based on lies is never going to last. I will tell you that I have always omitted all information of a personal nature (what it was like being with X) people that I dated BEFORE my husband (I have not cheated). And if he cheated, I would love to NEVER know about it because it is definitely hard to EVER look at someone the same who has.

I'm sorry your relationship ended. It sounds like it was a painful journey for you. Are you happy now? (hoping)
Avatar universal
Make up a story and tell him............. If that doesn't help, tell him you swore on your child and he will believe it
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Great advice, you seem like a stand up individual.
Avatar universal
Im going through the same thing with my babys dad and I'm ready scared to answer because most things I can't remember.  Although I didn't have a sexual encounter he seems to fought sometimes even when I swore. I guess it counts because I thought about it. :( I do hate myself for this. Does couple therapy really help. Because I'm willing to do everything, anything for him and our relationship! He might not want to though.
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Avatar universal
I just wish there was a "like" button
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Avatar universal
I can speak directly to this so-called, unimaginable request by your husband. As many people here know, my wife had an affair with a friend that I considered my brother in every way. I read many emails that stated that they just felt they were better as a couple than she and I were. The aftermath of their decision has left me, even after a lot of therapy, rather empty. It is hard to trust people after the two closest people in your life do and say horrible things about you as a person in every aspect. I lost my BF, but decided to stay with my wife because before that, she was a wonderful mate. We had a great life with the ability to be great friends at the core of the relationship. We are working toward that again, but it has been a slooooow climb.

Now, I have gone up and down, seen many therapists, and have even ceremoniously tried releasing the pain with therapists and even a pastor. (Unfortunately, I did lose a lot of my faith through this, but that's a whole different story.) So...I do the same as your husband. Not all the time, but it's regular enough. What he is asking for is reassurance that what you told him was the truth...he doesn't know what to believe, or not believe. His mind searches for missing pieces to allow him to feel normal again. He is also insecure now about what you do with him, versus what you did with the other man. It is a tough reality to know that your wife's wild side came out with another person, and the lengths she went through to do it.

My wife also has difficulties remembering things about the affair, and will not recall details that I read in emails from her. I have come to realize that not everything was as impactful to her as it was for me reading about it. Perhaps, sit down with him AND A THERAPIST, and go through what you do remember. Help him truly see that you are being honest, and that you just can't recall details he is asking for. Everyone's details are different, but much of the devastation is the same. With all that I've lost as a result of this, I often wonder how it can't be illegal...but....I digress.
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Avatar universal
Nobody is asking anyone to forget anything.  What people are commenting on originally is the fact that this woman cannot remember all of the details of the affair that devastated her marriage.  I can attest that that is entirely possible.

I can also attest to the fact that bringing up the affair for years on end can in and of itself put an end to the marriage.  If a decision has been made to work on repairing the relationship, forgiveness must be given on some level in order for this to take place.  One cannot forgive and then retract that forgiveness at will and expect the marriage to move forward.

I know full well the trials and tribulations of trying to repair a marriage that was devastated by infidelity.  It takes a tremendous amount of work on both parties behalf.  The affected rightfully demands and deserves some things and it is the cheaters position to follow through, to the best of their ability.  

If that isn't good enough and those demands cannot be met, if the cheater is not sincere in his or her efforts and the affected continues to demand accountability years down the road, the marriage is doomed.

People can move forward and do move forward, and all of the facts given above were given by people who either have lived this situation or are in some kind of a role regarding therapy.... it is good, sound advice.  The fact of the matter is, some marriages cannot survive infidelity...
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think my above advice that I've just read again as related to the person posting the question is still the exact same advice I'd give.  An affair from years past can not be ruminated over for eternity.  It is a sign that someone is not able to move past it and perhaps being together at that point is not a good idea.  

I certainly can't fault someone for wanting to piece it together, however, after years of trying to do so . . .   I feel the offending spouse does have the ability to say, I already told you that.  

luck to all and wishing no one had to suffer in their relationships
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4 Comments
The affair may have been years ago (years could mean five or fifteen) but nothing was ever explained as to how long ago and when the spouse actually found out. Those are pretty crucial details before you just pop in and tell the betrayed, hurt spouse to just let it go.
Agreed. I just found out my spouse had an affair 12 years ago. He claims he doesn’t remember, and I believe he doesn’t recall everything. Although, it took two sessions before he admitted to it and admitting he slept with her. I am having a hard time that he can’t recall when they had time to talk on private issues and “tell each other they have feeling for one another.” Because he says they only kissed once and then had sex both after HH and then she ended it. He has left me in the dark as to how this even reached that level if they never talked or met out of work.  Maybe it’s true, but that little voice finds it. very doubtful.  I can only speak for me, but I also want to see that he is willing to tell me things and help me feel he really has changed and telling the truth about the affair is the first step to earning my trust back.  This may have happened 12 years ago, but to me it was yesterday and my pain is real. Time doesn’t change the hurt you feel. If it happened now or in the past, it still hurts tremendously. I think spouses owe it to those who want details so they can understand how this ever happened.  I should note this was over a six month period.
This is why these things should stay secret.  Unless our partners finds someone they like more or the same as they like us, and they don't pursue it and we're the ones they come home to, in your case for 12 years now, I mean, humans are what they are.  Now that you know it hurts and it's going to be really hard to overcome that, although let's hope you both are able to do that, but I can't see the benefit in him going into the details of why he succumbed to temptation as we are all tempted.  Some of us act on it and some of us don't and most of act on it sometimes and not others.  If you look at surveys of how much people cheat on each other and how many sexual partners most people have, no relationship would ever be dared.  As for him having changed, again, you're the one he chose, so how exactly is it he can change?  When he did it he was the same person he was when he hadn't done it.  He did something he shouldn't have, but he didn't become a different person, so he can't really change.  I think we're all better off if our partner cheats on us just for sex and not for the relationship we're just better off and happier never knowing it happened, and I think this case proves it because now you're unhappy and the day before you found out you weren't.  Peace.
Oh, but now that you know, he's lying that he doesn't remember.  Nobody ever forgets a sexual partner.  Most likely he doesn't want to dwell on it and endanger the bond he has with you, as that's more and more likely to happen the more you learn about it and the more you engage in thinking he isn't who you thought he was.  Getting cheated on is one of the most hurtful things we do to one another but if you have love and you believe you have love, don't do a deep dive into something he didn't do a deep dive into at the time unless you have other reasons to want to use this to end your relationship.  Sorry this happened, I've been there more than once and it just hurts.  
Avatar universal
Not against the spouse knowing the "details" of the matter, but this should be done with a therapist involved.  
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  I'm sorry you have been hurt in the past.  I would say that there is no right or wrong way to get over an affair.  It hurts no matter what.  

Sometimes though, ruminating on the details perpetuates the pain.  No, you can't forget but you keep it fresh by asking and asking and asking.  There comes a point in which one needs to understand that the details only make us angry and no matter how many times we hear them, we won't be satisfied for how this happened.  I think if one is going to try to move on, that some point they have to decide to live in the here and now.

Frankly, some people are unable to stay together and have a healthy relationship after an affair.  Everyone is different.

But one thing that is universal, infidelity hurts beyond belief.  I've been cheated on as well at one point in my life.  luck to all who suffer in overcoming.
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1808540 tn?1320114860
I think that even if you did know the details... it would worsen your marriage. I had a cheating boyfriend, and I was so mad I picked apart the truth until there was no truth left to be told. Knowing all the details hurt me so much. I wish I would have just left him and not have asked what happened. But in your case it's different since you are married. I can't put myself in your shoes, but I can put myself in his... and I don't think he is going to let this one down. I think you guys need to somehow figure out a way that he is going to stop asking you and get over it. Couples therapy may be a very good idea. Good luck!
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1415482 tn?1459702714
I am sorry that you and yr husband are having such a critical time, the aftermath of an affair is really difficult for any relationship. However, I agree with specialmom, constantly bringing up the matter will not help the situation at all. You two need to get counseling if you haven't already started. This is a healthy method to get everything out and both feelings and emotions can be dealt with. Its scary that yr husband still wants details after YEARS, it signifies that it is still hard for him to accept and you both cannot move until you both have reached a point where u say "yes it has happened but that was in the past, this is the present and we are looking towards the future."
You have blocked out the details of your affair, maybe you just couldn't deal with the thoughts. Tell your husband honestly that you simply do not remember but I do believe that you need to face it, just like all other traumatic happenings you need to understand where u are coming from and where u wish to end up and that involves back tracking.
I wish you all the best, you and ur husband needs a professional mediator to help and make unbiased observations, so get on that. Take care.  
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi.  Ugh.  I want to comment on a couple of things.  You say the affair was years ago and it concerns me that your husband is still talking about this to the point of demanding details.  Is this an affair you had while with him or something from your past?  I ask that because I think it is odd he is still bringing it up if it happened years ago as if the story of what happened is new information.  Or did he just learn of this?  

If he's known for a while and is still grilling you about it, it is time for him to stop.  It is a common reaction to hurt to want to go over it and go over it but at some point ----  this does have to stop in order to move on.  

You may be blocking out parts of the affair due to being traumatized about it or he may be asking you for details that were unimportant to you and you didn't etch them into your memory forever.   But his asking and asking is a problem.  If he has had the opportunity to process this betrayal-----  it is time to move PAST it.  That means that having it as a topic of conversation regularly would hold you back.  

I agree with above that reliving the affair is not really helpful to the process of healing. More to the point------  a solid discussion as to where the relationship with your husband was at the time the affair happened.  How it happened.  What you are doing now  to make sure it wouldn't happen again.  How you are working to be closer as a couple.  These are the most important things to be talking about.  

good luck
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I guess maybe you weren’t cheated on years ago. Mits traumatic. Believe me.  You don’t just get over it. It rips your heart and soul out.  It makes you question your manhood/womanhood, your worth as a human, and your worth to yourself.  To think that someone might not have just “beat those memories down” is immature.  When your so thankful she came back you don’t ask questions.  Then you raise her kid from the affair because you thought that boy having a loving father was important, might weigh on you.  When you have another kid together and then spend your life providing a home and a great life for them all you might have been putting v]career and success in place of true love.  Then, maybe, just maybe, when you’re all done with accomplishments, careers and providing, your kids are doing fine, you might wonder why you were never loved.  You might wonder what’s wrong with you.  Why she chose him.  Just my side of a difficult story.
Avatar universal
You not being able to recall all of the details of the affair is a very real thing.  You too may have been traumatized by the affair (not anywhere near the trauma your spouse has gone through) and your ego won't allow you to recall all of the details.

All I can tell you is, not being able to recall is totally real and I feel for you.  It is a difficult road that you are on.
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6 Comments
I too am on the same boat. I have wracked my brain trying to recall details when things happened ect. But he says he needs that for clarity and thinks I am just taking the easy road saying I don’t remember. My marriage is depending on this and I don’t know how to recall this. Mine was 6 years ago was when it ended and I am scared to death my marriage will end if I don’t recall this info!
Hi Stanleyjsmm, welcome.  This is hard.  I think a natural response to a partner of someone who has had an affair is incessant questioning.  No matter how many details you come up with, it may never be enough.  I sometimes wonder if it isn't an outpouring of processing the situation and shock. But it also at some point becomes unfair to you.  As your partner doesn't know exactly what happened, the pressure is not on you to come up with all the details.  If you miss some (most), they don't know any better.  And it's not like you are lying because you don't recall them whether from memory from it being a long time ago or from blocking it.  It's still legit that you can only recall so much.  While you are in the wrong for the affair, your partner also has a responsibility to YOU.  In that they can not torture you or hold it over your head forever.  Did this just come to light (the affair) for your partner?  Or are they questioning it for a long time. If it's new info to them, then tell her some details that you know making it as unsexy as possible.  Like, that she won't become obsessed with it that it is sexier than the real life marriage you have.  Then once you do, tell her that's all you remember. Your main way of repairing your marriage is by being the best partner you can be.  Do you guys do couples counseling ?
A partner that is unwilling to expose the details is a partner that is unwilling to admit fault.
JackL, sometimes people admit fault and their partner still continues to ask obsessively about every detail and just won't stop. Maybe it's an attempt to make themself feel better or to make their partner to feel more ashamed, but this pattern doesn't usually solve anything. It would be very difficult to get over finding that one's partner had cheated, but ruminating over it obsessively would just make them feel more anxious and angry. To have a hope of being happy together ever again, a couple in this situation really needs counseling help.
I've been there.  I was cheated on by a few women I was very much in love with -- some of us just have really bad luck or else we just keep choosing the wrong partners, I don't know which -- and my take is, I was just really hurt and really jealous and in my case the relationships could not go on.  So one possibility is that your partner keeps asking because it hurts and he or she just really hasn't been able to get past it.  Some people hold on to anger a long time.  Some are just so hurt or shocked or insecure that their own issues prevent them from letting it go.  I don't really get into the fault part of it because almost everyone who is in a long relationship has either cheated or been cheated on, they just don't tell the other person.  Data shows this.  It's really only a real problem when the cheating becomes a relationship as opposed to a one-off, which is just human lust and human frailty and we're never going to be perfect.  But to the person who didn't cheat, when you find out, it breaks a bond you thought you had when you really didn't, even if that kind of bond is way beyond the bounds of what's possible for us fragile humans.  Anyway, my take is, the person who keeps asking isn't willing to truly let it go, and if that works then the relationship can go on and if that becomes oppressive for either or both of them the relationship's bond has been irrevocably broken.  Alas.  Peace.
I think what happens with the constant asking of the details is that they are trying to process it. But it also keeps everyone stuck.  It's really painful.  Could you begin working with a couple's therapist? This is probably best.  
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I am not sure if this actually is such a great idea that you all do this WITHOUT the consultation of a THERAPIST.  Plus, you aren't able to remember the details of the affair.  

How many years ago was this anyways? Why would he want details after it happened years ago?  Did you all seek therapy after the affair was done?  

It is possible you really can't remember being that it was traumatizing for you.

I don't think the details of the affair is more important than the reason or reasons you had the affair.  I do think you all should address this with a THERAPIST.      
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