My husband wants a divorce & I want to work it out

My husband and I have been married 10 months and we have a 6 month old baby boy.  We were very happy up until a few months ago and then we started fighting about issues involving his family and my family.  He has moved out a few times and returned both times saying he wanted a divorce.  We had a huge fight again over his family last week and I told him to leave.  He can back to get his things and I would not let him in.  A lot of things were said and done during this fight and the previous fights we have had, but when it comes down to it I don't want him to leave.  I really think we need to be apart for awhile and have some counseling, but he says he is done.  Part of me doesn't really believe him because this has happened before.  The other part of me is just sick thinking I should have not been fighting over family issues and made a big mistake.  I told him I think it is important to think about our son and what is best for him.  I also told him I am done fighting about our families (and I really mean it).  The pain all the fights have caused have been too much for everyone involved.  I told him I am willing to take a step and apologize to his family and I feel like I should have awhile ago, but had a hard time backing down. He listened to what I said, but he said he is still done.   I wrote an email to his whole family telling them I would like to put everything that has happened behind us, but I don't know if it is too late (they did things to hurt me too).  He is coming to get his things tomorrow, and I know I can't change his mind and I shouldn't beg him to stay.  What should I do???  Wait it out?  Not say anything?  Any advice???    

[Soggymoggy]

Hi there,

First of all, if your husband wants to leave there would be no point in forcing him to stay even if you could - neither of you would be made happy by it.

Secondly, don't assume that your staying together is "better" for your son; many children grow up victims of this particular assumption, and can be more damaged by having parents who are together and unhappy than they would have been by parents who are separated but happy.  Obviously you want to avoid the scenario in which your son is introduced to a new step-mom or step-dad every week, but if you're both sensible separation could be better in the long-run for him.  On that point, though, you do need to keep in mind that if you are going to separate it would be better to do it now than in a couple of years' time when your son will know what's going on and be more affected by it.

Thirdly; you and your husband have been married less than a year and you've already discussed divorce several times.  I can't help thinking that - even if your husband isn't completely serious at the moment - it might be the best option anyway.  Clearly you two can't get on, and I don't imagine you want your son to grow up watching screaming fights, walk-outs and arguments on the doorstep several times a year?

You've apologised to your husband, sent messages to his family, and made it clear that you want to work things out.  If you can persuade your husband to try marriage counselling then all well and good, and certainly give it a try; my suspicion at this point is that with so much bitterness and resentment this early in a marriage it may be too late.  Sometimes it's better to make a clean break, walk away and start again than it is to repair something so badly damaged - especially if it seems likely to break again pretty quickly anyway.

Best of luck with it all anyway - let us know what happens. xx

[teko]

10 months? There is a whole lot going on for a relationship this short. It sounds like the best thing to do is realize a mistake has been made, as it does not sound like the two of you should have ever gotten married in the first place.

[mami1323]

You don't say how long you two were together prior to marriage but from how it sounds, it seems he has wavered a long time with his decision.  I don't feel like he is just angry, I think he's wanted a divorce for a while but changed his mind because being married is a commitment.  I think he's had enough though.  I know all too well how family arguments can tear a marriage apart.  I have two friends on the way to divorce because the families couldn't get along.  Unfortunately, it is a huge issue.  It sounds like you took the first steps to proving that you are serious about changing the situation and making things better.  However, he has to want to stay.  Just because you do these things, doesn't mean he will take it into consideration.  You can't force him to want to be with you.  What I would do when he comes to get his things, is once again tell him you are sorry, that you made the first move in reconciliation with his family and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep your family together.  Tell him, you are tired of the fighting and want a fresh start.  Offer up the counseling option one last time.  If he still declines and says he wants a divorce, then it's time to move on.  Let him go and if it's meant to work out it will.  Maybe some time apart can clear the air a bit and give you both the space to breath to think clearly.  Have hope that you two can come back together but prepare for the worst.  Try your hardest to remain amicable for the sake of the baby though.  Nothing is worse than two parents using the child as a pawn to hurt one another.  Good luck to you and I hope it works out for you.

[specialmom]

You don't say exactly what you were fighting about family for.  What are the issues that are so upsetting that they continue to reoccur?  Sometimes a fight over something like a family can actually be a distraction from other problems in a relationship.

I think that once you've had a child, well ------------ you owe it to the child to try to work it out.  I really do.  Sometimes a relationship can't be salvaged but I wouldn't walk away until I had tried my best.  I think you can ask your husband to reconsider and see if therapy wouldn't help.  You can't be someone you are not and he can't either.  But perhaps you can learn the appropriate way to handle conflict and a way to compromise that would give this relationship a chance.  What were the things that brought you together in the first place?  How long were you together prior to the baby?  What was good about your relationship then?  These are areas to emphasize now.  Babies change everything as their needs come first---------  but you can also focus on what was good between you and your husband as a couple pre baby.

A child is happiest with his parents together.  It is up to the parents to create a healthy home environment.  No, it is not good for parents to fight in front of the children.  But that is where self control and restraint come into play.  Adult business does not have to be handled in front of the children. But most kids are better off in a two parent home.  It isn't always possible and kids that are in an abusive home should not be subjected to that.  But this does not sound abusive.  Try to work it out.  If you can not, then remember to put your child first always.  Stay amicable with your husband as a friendly relationship between the two of you will make things much easier to deal with for everyone.  

I wish you the very best of luck!

[mami1323]

They have to have contact they share a child.

[teko]

Nothing is worse for a child than to be trapped between two screaming adults on a daily basis. It is not always best for the child to stay in this environment and not be able to get away from it. Makes for a very nervous, insecure child. Adults have the choice of leaving, children dont. Did you get married because you were pregnant, or because you were in love? It does not sound like there is any love, so for all concerned it may be best to let it go. IMO

[specialmom]

I agree Teko.  But what I don't understand is why two adults can't control themselves.  Why do they have to scream?  Why do they have to share their issues with their child?  I hear all the time that a child shouldn't be caught between two fighting parents.  Well that is true---------- parents need to keep adult things private.  

I don't know if this is salvagable or not----------  I'm just saying that once a child is born, it is worth working on.  Divorce happens and at times it is the best thing based on the situation.  But in reality---------- divorce can be very hard on kids.  If the adults handled their marriage in a c rappy way---------  they often handle their divorce that way too.  And the kid is still in the middle.  Poor kids just can't win.

Parents need to be adults and keep their "stuff" to themselves.  And yes--------- all the things need to be lined up before the kids come along to make sure it is a good match so that the parents have a stable marriage . . . but even when they don't do that------- they still owe it to their child to give it an honest shot.  

Of course, just my opinion only.  I wish the poster lots of luck.  Sounds like a tough situation.

[SeriousSam]

What was said and done?

[teko]

He left twice, once she told him to leave, the marriage is 10 months long, with a 6 month old child. This tells me she was pregnant when they got married, which leads me to believe that this relationship led where it is,  as a result of a pregnancy. I could be getting this all wrong of course. But it does not appear that they have anything in common except the child. It sounds like a family fued on both sides on top of all that. I totally believe in trying to make a marriage work, but there has to be something there to begin with. If there isnt, and it does not sound like there is, then the child would be better off to end up in a happy home. This home does not sound happy or conducive to a childs well being. I have witnessed first hand these kind of situations and trust me, altho the adults should act like adults, they let the emotions overcome them, and in front of the child. If he is walking out and she is telling him to go,after 10 months  this sound very turbulant indeed. Sometimes it is best to let it go if a mistake has been made. IMO  I could be totally off the mark here too, but if I am right, there is no marriage to work on.

[specialmom]

I agree that it sounds like this couple weren't together long before pregnancy ensued and that they did not have the foundation of a relationship that would lead to a solid marriage.  But once it happens----------  I guess I'd give it a shot.  They have time on their side to get out in 6 months or a year if it isn't going to work out or if it escalates.  But this also has the makings of ugliness once a divorce happens.  Families fighting and turbulent ex's are also hard on a kid.  Poor kid.  So, I'm one to say that the best case scenario is that they attempt to reconnect even if it is just for the kids sake and unless this was conception with just meeting each other, they enjoyed each other enough to once date.  Maybe they can work out some things.  Maybe they can compromise.  Maybe they can make peace.  That would be best case and I always shoot for that first.  If it can't be done--------  then the next best scenario is in order.  


So, I guess we just see it differently.  It would be in this child's best interest for the parents to work it out.  Agreed that they may not have enough there to do it------- but would rather they try a bit longer to make sure than dooming this child to an equally turbulent ex situation and being pulled between two households.  

It is not an ideal situation, for sure.  And I just hope that something peaceful is worked out and the child's best interest is always placed first.  I do wish her luck.