My mistake - or boyfriends?

[shenanigans87]

The background first:  We've been together just under 2 years.  We moved in together a little over a month ago.  We have had a rocky history but have justified it with the passion we have in between fights.

Recently he suggested we consider a threesome to try and spice things up (we had both always been interested in sexual experimentation).  I wasn't really in love with the idea, but figured I'd look into it a bit before I ruled it out.  I made a post on craigslist, just hoping to feel out what type of people are out there and if any seemed "normal".  A few of the replies seemed nice enough so I replied with a couple basic questions and a G-rated picture of us together.  I told my boyfriend when he got home, and he got really mad at me.

Granted, I know it was a stupid mistake on my part to send the picture.  Hell, it was a mistake to even make a post on craigslist about something that I wasn't 100% comfortable with.  But now my boyfriend is extremely pissed at me.  He has called me stupid, slutty, a piece of s#$@...  you get the idea.  I know I screwed up, but I really don't think I deserve this language.  He's also making me sleep upstairs because he doesn't want to be near me.  I'm just really crushed that lately he has found it okay to say such derogatory things to me.  This isn't the first fight where it's happened.

I love him, but cannot think of a way for him to realize how much he is hurting me short of breaking up with him.  I do not want to end this relationship even the slightest, but it is making it really hard to live with him.  Does anyone have any advice for me?

[mishalexis]

maybe he is just making excuses to get out of the relationship.

[Can_U_Help]

You probably should have discussed it with him before scoping things out, but his reaction was a little over the top to say the least. I suppose the best thing to do would be to let things cool off a little and then try to talk to him. He needs to accept a little of the responsibility himself since he was all for it. Maybe he was just fantasizing out loud and never really intended to follow through with anything, but he should be adult enough to handle the situation more calmly without name-calling. Sounds like the only option you have at this point is to try to talk to him. But that might not turn out real well either since he has a problem communicating without insulting. I don't mean to disrespect him because I don't know him at all, but just the fact that he would curse someone and call them hurtful names says a little about his character and maturity. I know were your coming from though. It has been done to me in the past and we ended up separating for 3 years over it and a lot of other issues. I don't know if this helps, but it seems the only option you have. Put it all out there on the table but be sure that stepping away from the relationship is what you really want before you place that ultimatum out there. I hope I've helped a little anyway.
Best of luck to you.

[msgorgeous]

well he did ask for a three some and you were doing your research. but i agree maybe hes just find a way out and he doesnt want to be the one to end it.  personally i dont think its a healthy realationship because of the things he says to you on numerous occasions

[jo929]

I have always thought two was a couple,, and three was a crowd, man who would want the lifestyle of 3 people together, also if it takes a threesome to be happy and you like this , and you both like this kind of stuff,, and you get married wont your kids be proud of mom and dad, I really cant beleive that you have pics out there like that, anyway i doubt if this relationship will last liong   luck  jo

[RockRose]

When he suggested a threesome,  did he already have someone in mind he wanted to have sex with?  That would be my guess.

And I wouldn't stay with a guy who wanted that,  BTW.  That is not respect.

On the other hand,  geez about Craig's list.  When I list stuff for free on Craig's list,  I don't even give my address.  I just give the general area where the item is,  in the front yard,  and if it's gone it's gone.  I don't want anyone from Craig's list knowing where I live and knocking on my door,  even for a free canoe.  Sending the pics out to strangers,  I'm sure you probably understand now,  was maybe not the best idea.

[shenanigans87]

1st - teko, I'm glad you find such amusement in laughing at someone who is having trouble.

2nd - I removed the ad that same day.

3rd - I didn't have any specifics about myself in the ad, nor did I have any pictures.

4th - I sent 2 or 3 people a response to their email that included a CLEAN and APPROPRIATE picture, so jo929, spare your judgment.

[jo929]

sorry i thought you said you sent some pictures, and i still think 2 is a couple and three is a crowd, anyway all in all ,it does not sound like he wants you around, also you say he makes you sleep elsewhere, no one can make you do anything you dont want to do, and if he does not want you around leave and good luck  jo

[treazzure007]

im confused
did he want the darned threesome or not

[treazzure007]

oh, now i get it!  after a few moments i realized that it's a possibility that he didn't want YOU scoping out anything.  he's already got the girl in mind

[msgorgeous]

ive never been in a threesome but from my really good friend i know they dont turn out to be threesomes you end up getting left out and then the other two began to see each other more and more etc. its just a way to get the other girl that hes been wanting to have sex with and if you agreed to the 3some then you basically giving him permission

[Can_U_Help]

Oh...now I get it. Sorry guess I was a little slow catching on to this (LOL). But it does make sense, he got mad because he had already been scoping. He knew who he wanted to partake in this sexual experimentation and he was probably just scoping you out to see if you would even entertain the idea before he through out the name of his secret obsession. Or could be he didn't have anyone in mind and was just considering it and wanted to get your reaction. But I've thought about this a little more and if your very honest with yourself, do you really think that if you have qualms about this, a little nervous or whatever that maybe you really should take a little more time to really consider if this is a sexual exploration that you REALLY want to try out. Seems to me if your first instinct was no, you must have some moral or something that doesn't want you to do this. Sorry I mean no offense I just have no desire to and would never do anything that would jeopardize my morals within myself, it has nothing to do with anyone else it's all about me, but I sure mean absolutely no disrespect to those who do, to each his own.

[shadowserpent]

its actually not true. threesomes dont all turn out bad and can be quite enjoyable if the people in it really want it and espiecilly are secure enough in there relationship to understand its a fling and not get emotionally attached to the third person. this is more common than most people care to beleiev, but there are tons of folks enjoying a threesome and then going on there very normal lives with relationships strongly intact=)
im guessing and agreeing he freaked on you not because you were researching but because he had someone in mind already. which in my mind says something bad about him. usually if they already have someoen in mind and arent willing to let you take a word into the whole "picking out" process than his feelings for this woman may be more than just lust.
him delegating you to another room show signs of a guilty consience! watch him well!
most guys who have been crazy happy that you actually took his sexual fantasy seriously... the fact he wigged out shows somethings wrong with him. not you.

[BearHitch]

To me, bringing up that he wants a threesome is to say that he wants to have sex with someone else... not that he is an experimental person.  If he is using that kind of language when you have fights in general that warrants ending the relationship.  You are only dating, for heaven's sakes, and deserve better than a guy who will treat you as such.  Good luck.

[mami1323]

He's making you sleep upstairs?  How does he have that much power?  Tell him to sleep upstairs.  I think it's best to talk things out after a cooling off period.  I don't think bringing in another party is really going to help your relationship.  It may even break the two of you up.  Perhaps he has ulterior motives here.  

[shenanigans87]

Real quick point - he was not interested in bringing in another female, but rather, a male.  He said he thought I'd enjoy it.  So I doubt it was because he harbors secret feelings for another person...

And I just wanted to update on the point.  He eventually asked me to come back downstairs and  sleep in the bed.  The next day was rocky but we sat down the next night to talk it out.  He explained that it was mostly cuz he was mad that I didn't consult him before sending out his picture to strangers, and that he was scared that I might have sent the picture to one of his coworkers or someone else he might know.  I told him that I really didn't like the idea of a threesome at all, and we both agreed not to mention it at all anymore.  Since then, things have been going much better again.

Thanks all for your advice.

[RockRose]

Shenanigans,  this is the behavior of gay guys who are desperately trying to force themselves to live a straight life.  Just a heads up.  This isn't "spicy" sex, this is gay sex.  

[mami1323]

I agree with RockRose.  Most men don't wish to bring another man into the mix, it's usually another woman.  I think that is very strange.  

[sara......]

I agree with RockRose and mami1323, straight guys do NOT want to see another male naked and being sexual. I know there is no way my partner would want to do this.

[Agiesmom]

What the last three said.  You can't really think otherwise, can you?

[treazzure007]

ewwwwwwww

[Ashlee8603]

Honestly I think that your guy may be crazy.  For him to say one thing, then get so mad at you for what he thought up in the first place.  That's not right and you don't deserve to be treated like that.  Even if it is for one day and the next day he makes up.  He is just trying to have control over you, and he is using his temper to control you.  And even if someone he knows ends up seeing the pictures, obviously they are interested in it or they wouldn't have been looking up those types of things. Good luck, and don't let him control you like that.

[extrmeski]

guys are funny creatures especially when it comes to sex.  I think he was more angry that you jumped on the chance rather than to be a bit coy about it.  Now in his mind you are more into it than he is which he is having trouble with.  Also there is a bit of a control issue here as well, since you jumped out like that and advertised it, he feels that you are out of his control.  His reaction is partially to bring you back in-line as well.
Anyway that is a guys point of view..

[Agiesmom]

Extrmeski, I'm curious to know a guy's point of view with regard to him wanting a three-some with another man.  Does that seem peculiar to you?  Would you suspect he may be gay or bi or do you, as a heterosexual, understand that or have you known other guys who were heterosexual who would likely be into something like that?

[extrmeski]

I think he is flipping crazy, but he might have just said it to see how interested she would be in another man.  Kind of a test.. Otherwise it seems very strange.  Also he might have thought he would get off watching, but usually those are thoughts best left as thoughts and not actually followed through with.
No most guys would want two girls, not another guy.

[Agiesmom]

Thanks for answering--the testing thing makes sense, especially since he sounds a bit controlling.

[mami1323]

Well it also kinda explains why she was so quick to get started on the search.  If it had been him wanting to be with another woman then I bet she would've thought twice.  Maybe she's not too happy in the relationship either if she was so willing to bring a third party into it.

[peekawho]

All other things aside, any man who calls you a stupid sl#tty piece of sh*t, for any reason whatsoever, is not a man to hitch your wagon to.

Threesome or not, gay or not...a man who would EVER say those things to you, even in anger, has a severe problem that comes out when he is under stress.

Just remember that, if you do choose to stay with him, which you undoubtably will.  Remember that someone warned you.

[shenanigans87]

Okay... seriously... you can all shut up and let it die now.  I wish I realized before I posted it that this retarded forum doesn't let people delete their own threads.  Thanks for trying to over your advice and for your good intentions, but please just LET IT GO.

[mami1323]

Yes, medhelp will delete it for you.  Our intentions weren't to make you feel bad.  We just are looking from the outside in whereas you are the one involved in the relationship.  We tend to see things that you don't or wish to not see.  I hope things do get better for you and that you can be happy in whatever life decisions you make.  I know I've written many a post on here that I got slack over and questioned myself for even posting.  But I'm still here and still posting so don't think that anyone will be so quick to judge you in the future if you choose to post again.  Good luck.

[peekawho]

When you ask for advice or opinions on a public website, you get what you get.  As others have said, if you are rethinking actually wanting to hear what people say, contact Med Help and ask for the thread to be removed.