My molested girl friend

My girlfriend and I have been dating 6 months.  She told me she was molested when she was 3 by a counselor at the daycare.  She went to counseling young and had a normal boyfriend until her junior year in college.  She is a white girl and tells me that she started having lots of casual sex with black guys often with out committment and sometimes threesome at random requests.  She is now 26 and initially when we started dating (first week), she pulled away from me sexually and stated that she pulls away when people care about her.  I caught her that same day with a guy she has been having casually sex.  We broke up immediately, but a few months later she says she wanted to try again.  I gave it a shot.  Its been three months and I can tell she cares about me and we are intimate, however, I don't think she really desires me. I get the pic in my head that she had a high sex appetite, although she says she didn't.  She says she was comfortable being used and not used to a guy caring, but often refers to her casual partners as caring and them just not wanting a relationship.  She treats me good and show affections more and more, although, when it comes to sex its frequent, it lacks any kind of passion.  I'm only concerned that one day, she will start having casual sex with the same people before at their request.  I want to know why she was comfortable being used.  I want to know how to treat her so she will be more comfortable in this love, which seems to be going great, I'm just concerned she will revert.   Please tell me what are the classic reasons for being ok to be used, and why she feels the guys cared or were friends.  Tell me why she then tells me that its hard to get close when she knows a guy truly cares.  She defintely cut the other guys off, but why is changing now.  is this normal and does it last normally.  How can I help it last.

[Vance2335]

This is a very tough situation for you and her. Molestation at such a young age can often led to future problems with sex. When kids are molested they often disconnect sex with emotions and just use sex as a tool to get reassurance.

What would be best for her is to get into therapy and deal with the past because if she doesn't it will not help her future.

[mami1323]

It's a very difficult situation.  Most adults when abused sexually at a young age will wind up in very dysfunctional sexual relationships.  I say this because I have been there.  I wasn't molested but my mom's ex did behave in a very sexual manner towards me when I was 6.  I was very sexual after that.  Very interested in sex all of the time.  Wrote stories about sex, very curious about it.  However, I did manage to wait until I was 16 before losing my virginity.  But I can see how a sexual addiction can come from your girlfriend's situation.  I say addiction because having threesomes and letting men use you sexually is not healthy.  The fact that she views them as caring people shows how confused her thoughts are.  You may get a lot of help on the sexuality forum because I know there are a lot of people on there who have battled sex addiction and can give you much better insight.  She doesn't equate sex with love, she probably can't even have a healthy sexual experience when there is real feelings there.  She has a problem with intimacy because of her past.  Have you tried counseling together?  It shows a lot that she even shared with you her past molestation stories with you.  Most people hide it and are ashamed.  By her sharing that, it shows that she really needs you to understand her.  Have you told her how you feel?  Maybe if you communicate your feelings with her she will tell you exactly where she is coming from?  Either way, I think she needs you there for her and by doing that, you are proving to her that she can trust you and open herself up to you.  She needs help for herself though, if she is having casual sex somewhere else, it means she has a problem that she needs to work on within herself and really there isn't much you can do.  She has to get that help for herself.  You seem like a really great person that she probably needs in her life.  I commend you for trying to understand her.  Good luck and I hope you both can resolve your issues and find peace in the relationship.

[captainblaque]

She is very hesitant to receive counseling, she will bring it up from time to time, but she is convinced that counseling would not help.  Right now I think she is faithful, however, I believe your right, she doesn't seem to align sex with love, although she has mentioned that sometimes there is emotion attached to it and she says she really likes it when I kiss during our sexual experiences.  I know ultimately it would be best to get her more counseling, but I don't think right now she will be so succeptable for that, she is a very very busy professional and I'm thinking pushing that will be a little too fragile for her.  I definetly feel she cares, likes and trust as to why she shared her experiences with me. For the last year before she met me, her sexual experiences has been limited to 3 guys that she knew from college.  Can anyone suggest, other than additional counseling, how I should treat her (I know you can only generalize), for instance, do people with these types of symptoms typically do better with a lot of space, or with more attention.  Do you feel she could be faithful even though she had a careless nature about sex in the past.  Is it important that I show a high desire in sex (which I have) or would it be better not to initiate for a while (or is this a need for her).  I'm just trying to get others insight on if this relationship with a lady with this situation could work out or does it normally revert back to cheating.  I want to know how to normally love a person like this as well.  She has told me she has fear of abondonmant when she travels.  But she is not needy, she sometimes tell me she needs a couple of days to herself, but I show a lot of interest.  Again, she has had counseling when she was young and I know she could probably use more, but its not feasible right now.  I also want to know why this took place when she was 23-25?  The last year has not had more than 3 partners but why normal until this time period?  Just looking for advice on how to treat her with the best outcome, thanks all.

[treazzure007]

her enjoying casual sex could be or could not be the product of her past.  maybe you having her explain why she enjoys casual sex leads to her giving these confusing/senseless answers

[iam1butterfly]

She's been severely traumatized, which has profoundly hindered her ability to engage in a healthy emotional relationship. It isn't so much that she's okay being used; she's uncomfortable getting in touch with her emotions and bonding with someone. Often, people who have been abused, especially in childhood, create these emotional walls and barriers in order to insulate or protect themselves. She really needs counseling... her behavior describes someone who may have a Borderline Personality Disorder.  

[captainblaque]

She says it was fun, but she doesn't need it, not sure about that answer.  I'm thinking she needed some form of security, attention, and to be accepted, so she had sex with whoever to get that, but no relationship b/c she ran the risk of not being liked in that way, don't know.  I'm interested in your thoughts to the question in my post "she received couseling".

[captainblaque]

I think more counseling would be great, but I she simply will not be able to right now.  Do you have any advice in the interm.  She said something very similar, it was hard to get into her emotions.  Although, she hold my hand more now, kisses me and hugs a lot now, and is showing more affections, how do I continue to get  this response.  What would make it better in your opinion, what do I need to avoid? Do you think there is a need for women like her to have multiple sex partners and her fidelity is only temporary?  Again, I know she needs more counseling, but she has had some and right now its not feasible, please give me a little more insight and actions that I need to do but break down these emotional barries and things to avoid. For instance, if I stop initiating sex and just spend time with her, will that make her feel rejected, make her seek the reassurance with other partners or help her become more emotional, or will that drive her to want more sex from me?

[captainblaque]

I know she needs more counseling, she has had some, its not feasible right now.  I need advice on things I can do, expect, or should not do in the interim, thanks.

[mami1323]

I think the questions you are asking can be best answered by her.  Ask her what she needs from you.  Follow her lead, if she asks for space give her space and let her know you are there when she needs you, if she wants you to give her more affection do that.  However, I feel that if she is too hot and cold you will get frustrated and probably pull away.  No one likes that push pull feeling in a relationship.  If you can be understanding and deal with it then more power to you.  However, nothing will be resolved without the counseling and by her putting it off it's basically going to remain the same.  You have to be very ready to deal with it and it means you give up a lot of control in the relationship.  Relationships can only work if both people are putting in 100% effort and if you are going to bend and sway to her needs, yours might get pushed aside.  Again, it's up to you if you can handle that.

[captainblaque]

She told me that she has avoidance personality disorder, does anyone has experience with that or know how I should act around her?

[treazzure007]

i think you are reading too much into this.  i think you are too involved so to speak and sound a bit more concerned than she does.  maybe it's time for a break.  let her decide whether she thinks she has a problem worth solving and seeking some professional help

i'm not saying partners shouldn't stick out problems and work on them but you know....
there could always be another girlfriend :)

[iam1butterfly]

Unless she gets professional counseling, I doubt that you could ever expect a "normal," healthy, sexual and emotional relationship with this young woman. She has problems that are deep, far-reaching and probably beyond your ability to cope with. Now, if you are willing to be just "friends" (meaning no intimacy) and, offer her support; then realize that you do so with the understanding that she'll probably continue the pattern of having indiscriminate sex with others. You can not change her... her growth and healing must come from within herself... along with the aide of a therapist!