My son's biological father!

[santana8]

Fifteen years ago I  was married to my first husband. we had been married seven years, and I was unhappy most of the seven years. This  was because he was an alcoholic and very mentally and physically abusive to me. Why did I marry him? Because I was young and stupid. He was the first man I had ever been with in an intimate way, if you know what I mean. I was 20 years old and still a virgin. This was mainly due to my strict upbringing. Anyway, we had not had any children by year seven and the marriage was basically over in my heart. Anything I had felt for him before , the abuse had killed. I worked at a drive- thru Restaurant. This other man kept coming through everyday for about a year. He never said a word to me, only smiled. I noticed him, but tried to ignore him as the last thing I needed was another man complicating my already messed up life. One day he came through with my best friends boyfriend in the car with him. This shocked me because I did't know they knew eachother.  After this he kept showing up at my friends house everytime I was over there. After a year we finally met eachother. I found out that he too was in the   process of getting a divorce as was I. We both fell for eachother instantly. The only problem I could see was that I didn't have any kids but he had three with the women he was divorcing.This is the part where I should have started running! But I  didn't. I was so in love with this man that I couldn't see the forest for the trees! What happened next I'm sure you can guess. yeah!  I hot pregnant with his child. I knew it was his because me and my soon to be divorced husband had not been togeher for almost a year.  We discussed birthcontrol before we had sex. I couldn't take the pill because I was allergic to every kind I had tried. He did't like condoms so he agreed to use the old pull out method ,yeah! I know that was stupid. But keep in mind that I had only been with one other partner and this is what we used for the whole seven years with no pregnancies. He promised to and I  believed him. But he didn't do what he promised.  I got mad. I told him that I didn't want to have kids with him  until we were sure that we were going to make it together. He said I want you to have my baby and you would look cute pregnant. But when he found out that I actually was pregnant he got scared and ran. He went back to his ex and kids and I got divorced and moved away. Before I left town , while I was still working he kept coming through the drive-thru window, but he would't even look at me or speak. I couldn't understand why he would want to come anywhere around me if he was running away from this. Finally I quit my job to  get away from him because every time he came through it would hurt me even more. Then he starts driving by my house. Finally when my son was two months old I moved away.But before I  did I called him and ask him if he wanted to be in his son's life. He said if  you leave, you can take him with you, but if I leave I will lose my kids and they are already attached to me. I  said what about him and he said I love him and I love you too. I said if you meant that you wouldn't just walk out of his life.He said what he don't know won't hurt him, and you need to find someone else to marry and let him help you raise him. I left after that and moved to another state. About ten months later I brought my son to see him at his work. He looked like he had seen a ghost! My son was barley walking and he jumped off my lap and ran over to him and grabbed his leg. After my son let go of his leg he moved away fast.I went over to him and asked him if he wanted to hold his son. He said what good would that do? I asked him again. He said I can't let it go that far. I kept trying to talk to him about it and I saw tears in his eyes.Suddenly he threw down the tool that he was holding and RAN, not walked   out and got in his car and left. He told the other guys there to call him when we were gone. I didn't see or talk to him after this for  ten years. I had met someone new one year after this meeting with him. I am still with this man and we have two more son's together as well as my oldest son who he has raised since he was two. I never lied to my son about who his father was.He knew he had a biological father out there but I didn't talk about it unless he brought it up. When he was 11 he started asking about him, so I sat him down and told him who he was and showed him the only picture that I had which was a wallet sized photo.  This satisfied him for then, but over the next year he started asking more and more questions and wanted to meet him. So I looked him up and called him. He hung up after I told  him it was me. After a few times of this I decided to go by myself to talk to him.  By now he owned his own shop, so I went there one day. He wouldn't even get closed  enough to me to talk. He looked scared to death. I was being nice and obviously didn't   want to argue. But he refused to talk to me and threatened to call the law, so I left. After some weeks went by I called him up again to try to tell him that all I wanted was for him to talk to my son and help him understand why he had not been in his life. Then came the arguing with me. Name calling, and accusing him of belonging to someone else. I got tired of trying to reason with him and took him for paternity testing. In the test room he couldn't even look at us. He stood right beside of his son and didn't even speak. All he did was hold his head down. Well the test came back 99.99% and he was ordered to pay a small amount of support. He had lied about his income and the support payment was only 75 dollars a month. This didn't matter to me as I didn't want money. All I wanted was the test because my son said he wanted to know for sure and I felt he had this right. It has been two years since the test was done and still he won't acknowledge my son.Its like he is in denial even  to himself. Everyone tells me to forget him and that my son has a dad, which he does. So  why can't I  hate this man? A part of me still wants him to meet his son and be proud of him. Do you think he actually feels nothing for his own child? I need some advise about this. After the test he did start calling me, but he won't say anything, he just holds the phone. What is he trying to say?

[jo929]

what does it take for you to get it through your head that he has told you he has shown you he has run from you he has done everything except hit you on the head to tell you he wants nothing to do with either one of you and it appears you just wont let go why ruin his life because of a mistake you both made also he was wrong but he told you in-so many ways he could not handle it why not talk with your son and let this man you are married to be his real father what does your husband think of you to be chasing this man around and that is what you are trying to do and it will hurt your son in the long run also maybe your marriage and your sons life.also try to think of this other man he is with his ex and has been for many years and their children do you want to mess rhei life up also yes maybe you had a raw deal but it takes two to tango so let well enough alone and be happy with what you have .what are you doing to your other children also  let all of it go in the past where it shoul have stayed when he told you to he told you the truth and you still wont accept it you may wake up with all of your loved ones disliking you a bit if you dont let go of the past also sounds like your one boy may not be to happy with the way you are doing let it go   i do fel for you but he also has my sympathy. ps also it is a bit late for this man to be the father, as the boy already has one who loves him call the guy and say i am happy we will talk no more   luck  jo

[slow_healer]

I agree with jo929 - your son has a father in his life. The more emphasis you put on his biological father, inadvertently the more your son may end up thinking he should be like his biological father. Focus on the family you have and leave it to the biological and dad to decide what they'll want for their relationship one day. The more you remind your son that his "real dad" is still out there, the more it will confuse your son. Your son has a dad, so focus on him - your husband - and the family you have. Like jo said, the biological dad has already said and done everything to demonstrate that he wants nothing to do with this child. The more you drudge up this past, the more painful and damaging it will be for your son.

I'd also recommend seeking some counselling for yourself, because it sounds like you're looking for some kind of closure from your ex. It might also help your son to see that you have a healthy perspective on the fact that his biological father is not in his life; it will help your son to deal with it better. This kind of news can be extremely confusing for kids, and since your son will soon be a teenager, he needs to feel that he has a stable and loving place in the world, in his family, where he is loved and taken care of regardless of who his biological father is. Good luck.

[NanaGG]

You had 2 questions: 1: You just want him to meet and be proud of his son. That is something that comes from within a person, we are proud of someone we care about and love. He does not and is not interested. 2: Could he actually have no feelings for his child? The answer is yes. It is hard for those of us that have those feelings to understand someone not having them. We attach our emotions and believe that they must have them, if I just show him, if he sees him, if I just talk to him he will see the light. If I JUST   convince him he cares, he will. If I just pound on him long enough, even if he did it because he was forced,would you really want and be satisfied if it was not genuine? Do you think he would eventually really mean it, what a horriable thing that would be for your son.You are stuck in a mindset, one that you have always hoped would happen. It is not going to. He doesn't want to be part in his life,  he does not want to bring him into his life with his family and kids and wife. The ones that suffer are the kids, impart self worth into your son. You feel the rejection.Help him to realize that rejection is not a reflection on him, or because of anything he did. Help him to be confident in who he is, that it is not who his father is that counts but who HE is that counts. Help him to understand that there are no mistakes, that he was meant to be here and the circumstances don't matter. The fact that his bio couldn't step up and accept his part is not your sons loss but his bio. But the bio chose/  he was given the choice and turned it down MANY times.Your husband chose your son, cares about him, want to be proud of the man he becomes. That a true dad, not the sperm of a man. Let it go, it is over and done. You never know, your son might have been saved from a very confusing and frusting future. Seek counciling to help find peace and resolve in this matter, it is more about you than your son. This is not new, this is the way it used to be and some men really had no feeling. God Bless you and your family, make your son and husband proud of you. Thank God for the wonderful husband you have and true father your son has.

[mayflowers]

I agree with the other posters about this situation.  I hope you take slow_healers advice and seek some therapy for yourself.  

NanaGG - wow, what a great way of putting everything into perspective.  Awesome post.

[santana8]

I think I need to clear some things up. I did try to get an answer from him when it first happened, because he was running away from talking about it, but he still continued to come around through where  I was even though I had sent word to him to stay away if he wanted nothing to do with my son. His answer was I will eat where I want to. I did accept that I had been abandoned , but why would he continue to come through my work throughout the entire pregnancy after I asked him not to? You see there is another  part of this storie that I haven't told you. Do you remember my friends bf that I told you that he came through the drive- thru with that day?  This is who he thought my son belonged to because His name is the same name that I named my son. That wasn't who I named him after, it was someone in my family. but He was convinced that because I named him this that I had been with this man which couldn't be further from the truth. In fact it came out years later that I wasn't the one seeing my friends bf and his wife was actually the one who was seeing him. Not only that the third one of his kids with her belongs to one of his other best friends. My problem with it all is that is all I have heard about from him and his wife for years that my son belongs to my friends bf and not him. He said this until I got the DNA done and then no more! Not one more mean word out of his mouth! I offered to let him see his son when he was first born and one more time when he was one, but after my husband became his dad I offered no more! If you remember what I said in my story I didn't contact him for 10 years. I had no reason to, because my son never asked about him until this point. But once he did ask I called him. I never got my son involved in the contact. My son doesn't know about the recent conversations that we had or what was said between us. I wanted the test 15 years ago but my son was fine with things so I didn't push it. But once my son started to ask he was determined to find out about him, and thats why I contacted him. That way if he said anything negative it would be to me and not my son. After I realized that it wasn't so much him that had a problem with it , but mostly his wife who was forbidding it, I decided to leave it alone and help my son understand and deal with this. Then his wife started calling my  house and saying things to my son when I wasn't home. Telling him that he didn't belong to her husband  and saying that he belonged to this other man. Well   that was all it took to set me off. My son told me he  believed me but he wanted to know for sure. He asked me to get the test. It was a hard decision that I struggled with, but I felt that if my son wanted this proof from me that I owed it to him to give him what he needed. He said he didn't want a relationship with him, because he had a dad, but he didn't want to wonder about which one was his biological father for the rest of his life. So,  I done what my son wanted, I had the test done.Since the results came back my son seems totally satisfied with letting it go. He doesn't ask about him anymore, and has even said that he has no feelings for him, and that his dad is the one who has raised him. I told my son that he was right that a dad is more than just bringing a child into the world, a dad is the one who has been there for him. I have never said one bad word about the bio to my son, and I never will. What I have realized is that I don't have to worry about my son seeking him out and getting hurt anymore. He is a very smart young man and he has seen for himself exactly what happened and seems to be alright with it. My son said that he had his chance and he blew it! A lot of   you cominted like you thought this was something that I brought up  to my son and thats not what happened. He asked mee, and I have never lied to any of  my kids about anything and I never will. Thats why I have the closerelationship with all three of my boys that I do, because ther is nothing that they can't talk to me about. My problem was not with letting go of the past. My problem was with letting my son go through his entire life wondering why his biological father didn't want him. I wanted my son to know that He is not a mistake and he is meant to be here and that he has a family who loves him and takes care of him and that's what matters! And my problem is with a grown man taking the easy way out  instead of being a man and  giving the child that he help to bring into this world at least the answers to his questions. He is weak in my opinion! If he was not weak he would have took the blame for his actions and choice and not have tried to make it out to because he didn't think he was his son.Because that was not the reason,the reason was that he was too weak to face what he had done.  I faced it a long time ago and I raised my son with the help of his dad to be a very responsible well rounded young man , And I will never be ashamed of that. One of you made the  statement that He told me that he couldn't handle it, but when you bring a child into this world that is no excuse. you still are responsible to support the child and take the responsibility for your choices.  Which he did neither! Just because he didn't want to deal with it doesn't mean my son doen't have the right to know if thats what he wants! I will not allow him or  his wife to try to make my son feel as though he was a mistake, because he is not a mistake. The mistake was his biological father!

[MrsOckert]

Why is it that a woman can get pregnant - blame it on the man and force him to have a child he doesn't want?  And expect him to pay for it?

As for why he kept driving through the restaurant - maybe it was the only one in town and he liked that food?  I don't know - no one does.  But he was quite clear to you thru the years that he wasn't interested.

Personnally I would have waited till my son was 18 and then given him all the information he wanted.  Let him make the contact.  

Honey, sorry to say this but your son was a mistake.  You got pregnant by a man you weren't married to at a time that you weren't planning on having a child.  That's a mistake.

But it is what it is.

[jo929]

i am sorry if your feelings were hurt but sperm donors do not make a father and really when one has sex do you really think all men can stop that quickly i still say it takes 2 to tango if you had wanted to sue him you should have done it when he was a baby also it is as much your responsibility to take care as much as it is a mans-you should have had him wear a condom also i would not have told the boy until he was older i am sorry if this offends you there are lots of people that have been through this but the man does not know the son and i really think it is wrong to put son and the biological father through this as you really did not want to get preg in the first place maybe it is your  ego, but you must try to forget this and why would you wait so long to have paternity test done that was wrong i guess that is why the wife is calling i am sorry i still beleive this should be in the past where it belongs you are just making it worse for your son   there are lots of men that give their sperm so that some woman can have a child but they do not want to be a father i really feel for you because you have these feelings he should be proud of son when he has had nothing to do with raising him you should thank your husband whiich in reality is the father for raising him and not worry about the man i will call him  if you cant get over this i suggest as slow healer did that you need counciling   luck to all of you  jo

[Salyna]

Wow, I'm really surprised how so many people react negatively to you.  You didn't abort the kid, you didn't put it up for adoption, you didn't ask for a dime for him and it sounds like you are a loving mom - why are all of these posters being so hateful when people come here looking for help?!  People, it takes TWO to have a baby - he is just as much responsible as she is.  God gave us sex to reproduce - shame on him for not being a responsible adult.  Santana8 obviously is since she took responsibliltiy for her actions by raising her son on her own.  Santana8 - I do think it's time to give up.  As a mother, I would have done the same thing.  I'm sure it's a pain deep inside for your son that triggers you to hunt this man down.  What kind of a man doesn't even claim is own children?  I lost my parents long ago and I wish I knew more about them.  Because I'm on that side of it, I know that this will be something your son forever deals with.  But, you did the best that you could and you did what any mother should, demand answers for your son's sake.  Kuddos to you.  I think you should let this rest now for his sake as well.  He needs to move on and reassure him that he is loved.  

[NanaGG]

Your son sounds like a great kid and very smart and level headed. You have both done a great job with him:)  What I did not say in my post is that it was a terrible thing that happened to you, but things worked out in the end. I will say I have no respect for his wife, talking directly to your son that was a no no. It certainly shows her for who she is.
Hope you can heal from the past and look forward to a bright future as a family.

[santana8]

Thank you so much for seeing my true motives. My son  does not lack a father as my husband and he have a wonderful relationship. I did raise my son for the first two years on my own before I met my husband. He also has a child by a previous relationship that is the same age of my son. His son comes to our house every weekend, and I accept his son too because I love my husband and this is his child.  And you are right , for the first two years it was only me and my son. I struggled to take care of him on my own, but never did I once ask the bio for money or anything. When I met my husband my son was already two and I was very careful who I let get in my sons life as back then I was mom and dad. I called the man who I'm with now by his first name to my son. about a year after I met him my son out of no where on the way home in the car one day said,"Dad are we almost home. Niether of us acted like we heard what he had called him. And from that day on he was Dad. You see I didn't decide he was his father, my son did. I was careful and slow about letting him have the daddy role in my son's life. But eventually they built thier own bond that no one can ever break. I didn't have the test done to force the bio to be dad. How can he have a place in my son's heart that he has already given away? But that doesn't mean that he needs to forget his own flesh and bloood child. I don't want him to do anything except acknowledge that it even happened. HE not only denies it to me, he also denies it to himself. I know you all say that he has no feelings for my son, but  I know what I saw in his eyes. I saw the tears and even now I can still hear the pain in his voice. You see I don't hate this man. In fact I even understand the choice that he had to make, now that I am a parent too! It wasn't the choice that he made, it was the way he did it.The way he tried to look from a distance without any comitment to my son.  And then after all these years when my son finally does seek answers he dares to insult me, acuse me of someone else, and to act like to me that it never happened. I have been a good mother and I will not accept insults from a man that is too weak to say he was wrong and he is sorry. Some of you asked me why I waited so long to have the test done.Like I said I wanted the test back then. That was until his wife found out about my son and told me in detail exactlely how bad my son would be treated if he ever came to thier house. She said that he would never be allowed to call him daddy and that he would never be loved by her husband. I said then you won't see him. She said if you have test done he will fight for visitation just to spite you and I will see to it. There was no way I was letting that witch get within one inch of my son. When my son asked for the test he was 13, old enough to decide if he wanted to go. That's why I didn't do it then. I had to asure my sons physical and mental well being above what I wanted to do. I don't feel bad about the test. I have always taught my children to say  they are sorry if they know they are in the wrong, but if they know in thier heart that they are in the right to stand up for thierseves and whats right! What kind of example would I be to my kids if I cowarded down and didn't fight for what my son deserves, The truth! I think maybe some of the posters obviously are not parent's and maybe they don't understand the bond that is so precious between a parent and thier child. All he needs to do is say he is sorry! And if he is not sorry, then he will have to answer  to someone besides me some day. And just to let you know how this man made his living, he sold drugs I found out later on. And now he is a preecher! P.S. I told him I was sorry, why can't he?

[mayflowers]

Your child is not a mistake.  No child is a mistake.   Another poster - Mrs. Orckert - mentioned that and I think it was wrong to say that about a child.  No child is ever a mistake.  He has a right to be here just like everybody else.  Your husband sounds like a great dad for your son.

Lots of good advice here so I can't add much more than whats been said.  

[girliegrl1723]

*"Why is it that a woman can get pregnant - blame it on the man and force him to have a child he doesn't want?  And expect him to pay for it?"*

are you serious?!?!? im not trying to start anything but that has to be the most rediculous reply to a post...ever. i don't even think that has anything to do with why the OP was posting. i think everyone ELSE has given the OP good enough advice about her situation that i don't feel i have much more to add, but no one commented on your stupidity and i feel someone has to. just because a woman carries a child does not mean the responsibility lies solely on her. whether or not this father has or wants a relationship with the child, he should have to contribute in some way. the way i see it, if he doesnt want to know the child or be a father to the child, the LEAST he could do is help this woman raise him in some way. whether it be sending a package once a year, paying for a semester at school, etc. why should the responsibility be laced solely on the woman? she is not "blaming" him for her son, she LOVES her son. you're right she can't force him to have a relationship with him, but what is so wrong about helping out in some way? between this and the way you answered another poster, i think you're ignorant opinions do more harm than good here. you are not being helpful. you are a bitter woman.

[AHP84]

Girliegrl1723 is right to bring attention to this statement--what a rude and nasty response, MrsOckert.
First of all, Santana8 ended up pregnant after discussing birth control with this guy, and trusted him to be responsible enough to not purposely attempt to impregnate her. I'm not saying the guy is entirely to blame, but I know first hand what it's like to find out you've been impregnated "on purpose" when you were trying to do everything possible to be responsible yourself. You actually end up blaming yourself more for your own stupidity for trusting the guy than actually blaming him--'cause after all, he's just being a guy, right?
Secondly, she never "forced him to have a child he didn't want." She had the baby and offered the father the opportunity to be in his son's life. If she wanted to force him to "have a child he didn't want," she would've gone after him for a paternity test, child support, and probably would've tried to force visitation of the boy on this man. But she didn't. She walked away and raised her son for 10 years and left the man alone. She only contacted him because her son wanted to know about him.
This brings me to my next point:
"Personnally I would have waited till my son was 18 and then given him all the information he wanted.  Let him make the contact."
So the boy, at the age of 10, should have been kept in the dark about who he was and where he came from until he was 18, and then basically left on his own to obtain, process, and pursue that information? Give me a break! Witholding crucial information like that, or lying to a child, just sets them up for psychological issues like depression, anxiety, aggression, obsessiveness, etc. etc. So you suggest putting the child at a risk like that until he's 18? Then he'd be much more capable of potential dangerous actions to himself or others. What a bright idea.
Let me go back to the "expect the bio father to pay for a child he doesn't want" statement. So you're saying that he's at no fault for PURPOSELY impregnating this woman, then ditching her, therefore he should not be expected or obligated to financially provide for this child? The man doesn't have to be involved in the child's life or even have any contact with the child to help provide for it! I can't believe you are so supportive of such irresponsibility, of such inhumaneness! Why should he not be held accountable for what he did in some way, face some sort of consequence? Santana8 faced it every day without complaint, and with love and compassion. Why should this jerk not be expected to face some sort of consequence and get off scot free???
Lastly:
"Honey, sorry to say this but your son was a mistake.  You got pregnant by a man you weren't married to at a time that you weren't planning on having a child.  That's a mistake.

But it is what it is."
What kind of statement is this? The son is a mistake? A living, loved human being is a mistake? Absolutely not!
The mother's and bio father's ACTIONS were a mistake. What resulted from those actions is not a mistake--it's a human being that has anything and everything to offer to other people, to this world.
Perhaps one day he'll be the doctor or scientist that finds a cure for a teminal disease which, heaven forbid, you become stricken with. Then would you call him a mistake?
Every person has a purpose to live in this world. What they do with their lives and free will makes them who they are/become, and determines if they fulfill their purpose in life. But not a single person is a "mistake," because each person has the potential to offer so much to other people and the world in which they live.

I agree with girliegrl1723, you're not being helpful at all offering your advice or opinions like this. They're not even truthful. They're just downright rude and nasty.