My spouse can't let anything go. Is this my fault?

[Sunshine1832]

My spouse and I have been together for nearly two years, but recently got married, mostly for financial reasons, and will have a large wedding down the road.

When we had met, there were a lot of things going on in my life, that I tried to down play, so he would feel more at ease and not have doubts about starting a relationship with me.  Since we have been together, there are things about my past, which in reality, weren't all that horrible, but because I wasn't entirely honest about them at the time, my husband can't drop them and keeps bringing them up. For example, I had reconnected with an ex after my husband was served, and we were being flirty and I sent him a few pictures in a bra and underwear.  He had seen the pictures, and it took awhile for the entire story to come out, but now he insists more went on and thinks I'm a **** for acting like that, when I said I never would.  Truth is, the issue came up before, and referenced situations where girls go that with guys they don't know at all, which I hardly find to be the same thing in this case.

Another issue thing he brings up is the fact my divorce was more recent and I did a few things with my ex more recently before the divorce was filed than I originally said. Again, he knew this early on.  and I wasn't 100% honest because I wanted him to be more at ease, that my ex was not a threat.  It was a very abusive relationship, with an alcoholic.

He keeps referring to the fact that I'm a liar, and that he can't look at me the same way as he used to because I am not the girl he thought I was.  He knew all this when we got married this past summer, and he still proceeded, but now says he's not sure.

All of the things he brings up, are all from the first 2-3 months of our relationship, and happened over a year and a half ago, but he won't let them go.  I wasn't completely honestly about some things because I did make some poor decisions, and didn't really want him to know some things because it was bad judgment.  I told him the things that happened, and the reasons I wasn't honest about them had a lot with him feeling more secure too.  He has no problem talking about his past relationships to the point, I know every person he's ever been with, their pros, cons and the reasons the relationships failed. I really didn't want to know it all.

The problem is, we can never move forward. I think I am a very good wife, in general. He seems to think the only reason I have standards and morals, and am the kind of person he wants to be with, is because he made it that way.

Things will be good for a week, or a month, and all of a sudden, he gets quiet and distant, and completely shuts me out, and all this comes up again.  He says he wakes up thinking about it everyday and can't let it go.  When I try to talk about it, he just repeats himself, and brings up every thing that he ever seen or heard that he didn't agree with for our entire relationship.  Then, he'll go so far as to do things to purposely upset me, like keeping pictures of his ex-girlfriend, which he made a point to tell my how gorgeous she was.

I really don't think this is normal.  I can understand him being upset with me for not being completely honest with him, but he continued with the relationship and even married me anyway.  I explained to him that when these things happened, I never meant to hurt him or did it deliberately.  He tries to purposely get even or hurt me back.  And when I get really upset, to the point I'm crying, he just tells me I'm immature and can't have an adult conversation.

Is this all my fault??  Did I create this mess, or is he at fault too for not letting anything go?  I keep telling him, if we live in the past, we can't have a future.  Other than these issues, we have an amazing relationship.  But when he gets like this, he won't even talk to me, exchange I loves you , or even come near me.  Please help.  :(

[RockRose]

I'm not quite sure who to "blame" for this,  but IMHO it's unfixable.  You did cheat - maybe not full sex - but sending sexy pics to an ex months into your relationship with your husband is cheating.  

So.  Here's where you are now.  He can't get over it.  Either 1.  he's thoroughly enjoying being the "good" one and torturing you with this so he has all the power in the relationship,  or 2.  he really can't get over it and it's living inside his head constantly and he is becoming riddled with anxiety about your cheating.  

I don't know which it is - but either way,  this isn't working for you.  It doesn't seem he has any intention of trying to work through it,  and now before you spend thousands on a wedding and before you get pregnant,  I would suggest calling it quits.  

[Sunshine1832]

Actually... these pictures were sent months before I even met him.  He can't let go of this, even though it happened before we met, because he thinks that's the kind of person I am, and will always be.  I have never been, nor would I ever be unfaithful to him in any way.

[specialmom]

Hello, ugh, hard story to read.  No, I don't personally think it is all your fault.  Dishonesty is never a good thing but I'm also not of the mindset that you divulge every detail of prior to being in a serious relationship with that person.  You are allowed to have a past, to have made mistakes, etc.  We evolve into better people by the experiences, positive and negative that we had.  You DID mislead him or outright lie and that will make someone leery of trusting you for sure.  But over time, that is supposed to get better.  Is he trying to let it go?  Is he trying to allow you to build trust?  If someone cheats on their spouse, that is a terrible thing.  They need to be contrite,  fall on their sword, work hard to make it better.  BUT, the person who was cheated on has a duty to eventually forgive the person and move on if they decide to stay with them.  You can't make the other person the bad guy forever.  It's just not fair.  And this is the same kind of thing with your situation.  Your husband can not treat you like the bad guy forever.  Or you will have to move on.  Who wants to stay in a negative situation like that?

Shutting you out is cruel.  The silent treatment is a deadly weapon---  it kills relationships.  The underlying message is "you don't matter.  I can live without you.  You are insignificant enough that I can pretend you don't exist."  What kind of message is that to send to the person you are supposed to love?

I would suggest couple's counseling.  If he won't go, that tells you something.  But do NOT allow him to make it all about you doing him wrong.  You may have lied but it was a long time ago and he knew the truth BEFORE you married.  

But you start by saying you married 'mostly for financial reasons'.  that too is a red flag.  That's not really a good foundation for a lasting relationship.  Can you elaborate on that?

[Sunshine1832]

Thank you for your response.  We got married earlier to help combine costs, in order to purchase a home together and for insurance purposes,  because we planned on being together.  We plan on having a big ceremony with family and friends as the 'real wedding'.  We were planning on doing it anyway, just did it sooner to help us financial before the real big day.