Aa
My wife cheated on me
Hi I'm new here and not quite sure where to start or whether this is even the right place to be. I've been googling a lot to try and help me understand and deal with my situation but I'm still struggling so very hard.
I'm a 45 year old man and have been married for 12 years. We have a 9 year old daughter. On June 11th I found out that my wife had gone to meet up with a man in a hotel room for sex. This was devastating enough but over the last 6 weeks I have found out that she has been doing this for 3 years now and has been unfaithful on 11 separate occasions.
I myself am a totally loyal and honest person and could never bring myself to do something like this – so it hurts extra bad that she could do this to me.
We’ve had a lot of conversations and both of us are undergoing therapy. We haven’t discussed “us” yet in any great detail, i.e. couples counselling, because right now I know I couldn’t cope with the “us.” What little insight I have is that our relationship has been going downhill for a very long time (possibly 10 years – and I have known that too deep down) and that we lost the ability to communicate. For her part she feels that I wasn’t giving her what she needed in a relationship (to feel needed, wanted, loved, etc.) and she spiralled out of control. I’ve said the obvious; that doing what she did didn’t provide any of this either and she acknowledges that.
But there are other things about her behaviour that I simply cannot comprehend and these other things are what is making so extra difficult to deal with.
If you do something stupid and are full of remorse afterwards, then I get that - it was a stupid mistake. It’s not right of course, but at least showing the remorse shows your ability as a human being that you are “still there inside” – i.e. the woman I love and chose to marry is still underneath there somewhere. But she made so many other bad choices that I simply cannot comprehend.
First, of all the times she has had sex and given them oral, which she has admitted to, it was unprotected over 50% of the time. How can a person do something like that? It’s not so much about the sex; it’s the fact that it was unprotected. She could have caught HIV and she could have passed that on to me. In a worse case scenario she could have left our child without any parents. I don’t understand that irresponsibility. If she had unprotected sex once and then woke up the next day thinking “what have I done? How could I have been so stupid” – and then gone and get herself tested – at least that would have given me something. But she didn’t. Never at any stage over the three years did she think to get herself tested. That decision bothers me enormously.
She is wearing a contraceptive implant. Everyone knows that these are never 100% effective. She could have gotten herself pregnant and is aware of that – but still took the risk.
On two occasions she bought someone back to our house and had sex. This is our family home where our daughter lives. How could she even contemplate violating our family space like that. How could she do that? Going to a hotel is one thing but bringing someone back into the home where our little girl lives I cannot comprehend.
A couple of years ago she took our daughter away for a week. She travels to see and stay/catch up with a few of her old friends. On one occasion when she was staying with a friend she left our daughter with the friend to “babysit” while she then went to a hotel for sex. How could a mother do that to her child. Put her own selfish needs before that of our daughter.
So it is not primarily about the sex thing anymore to me – it is about what kind of person does that kind of thing. Her moral compass. That is the bit I am struggling so hard to deal with.
It would be so easy for me to walk out, or even kick her out, but I have had to be strong for the sake of our daughter. I sit here crying every day, trying to make some kind of sense of it.
I have questioned whether I still love her and I know I do. In an ideal fairytale world with a magic wand I want us to work it out – but I don’t know whether I can ever forgive her bad choices.
She has given up all her passwords and email accounts, she has even changed her mobile number (which she has had for 20 years and I know she didn’t want to do) – so she is giving signs of how sorry she is and how she wants us to try again – but I just don’t know whether I can ever trust her again. If our relationship went sour because of our inability to communicate, how do I know that in another 10 years she will be unable to communicate with me again and history repeats itself.
I also know that I love her. Only two days after this came out I told her that I still loved her. I looked deeply inside and knew that that feeling was there despite everything. Love cannot be switched off. You either have it or you don’t and I do. But she has not told me that she loves me. This also makes me think that maybe deep down she doesn’t. If that love was inside her, surely she could tell me that?
I have been off work for 6 weeks now and still cry regularly. I cannot see any end in sight for getting over this. I have never in my life experienced so much intense pain. It is absolutely unbearable.
I’m sorry this post ended up being so long. I’ve just ended up dumping my thoughts.
If anyone has anything advice to offer then it will be greatly received.
Thank you for listening.
I'm a 45 year old man and have been married for 12 years. We have a 9 year old daughter. On June 11th I found out that my wife had gone to meet up with a man in a hotel room for sex. This was devastating enough but over the last 6 weeks I have found out that she has been doing this for 3 years now and has been unfaithful on 11 separate occasions.
I myself am a totally loyal and honest person and could never bring myself to do something like this – so it hurts extra bad that she could do this to me.
We’ve had a lot of conversations and both of us are undergoing therapy. We haven’t discussed “us” yet in any great detail, i.e. couples counselling, because right now I know I couldn’t cope with the “us.” What little insight I have is that our relationship has been going downhill for a very long time (possibly 10 years – and I have known that too deep down) and that we lost the ability to communicate. For her part she feels that I wasn’t giving her what she needed in a relationship (to feel needed, wanted, loved, etc.) and she spiralled out of control. I’ve said the obvious; that doing what she did didn’t provide any of this either and she acknowledges that.
But there are other things about her behaviour that I simply cannot comprehend and these other things are what is making so extra difficult to deal with.
If you do something stupid and are full of remorse afterwards, then I get that - it was a stupid mistake. It’s not right of course, but at least showing the remorse shows your ability as a human being that you are “still there inside” – i.e. the woman I love and chose to marry is still underneath there somewhere. But she made so many other bad choices that I simply cannot comprehend.
First, of all the times she has had sex and given them oral, which she has admitted to, it was unprotected over 50% of the time. How can a person do something like that? It’s not so much about the sex; it’s the fact that it was unprotected. She could have caught HIV and she could have passed that on to me. In a worse case scenario she could have left our child without any parents. I don’t understand that irresponsibility. If she had unprotected sex once and then woke up the next day thinking “what have I done? How could I have been so stupid” – and then gone and get herself tested – at least that would have given me something. But she didn’t. Never at any stage over the three years did she think to get herself tested. That decision bothers me enormously.
She is wearing a contraceptive implant. Everyone knows that these are never 100% effective. She could have gotten herself pregnant and is aware of that – but still took the risk.
On two occasions she bought someone back to our house and had sex. This is our family home where our daughter lives. How could she even contemplate violating our family space like that. How could she do that? Going to a hotel is one thing but bringing someone back into the home where our little girl lives I cannot comprehend.
A couple of years ago she took our daughter away for a week. She travels to see and stay/catch up with a few of her old friends. On one occasion when she was staying with a friend she left our daughter with the friend to “babysit” while she then went to a hotel for sex. How could a mother do that to her child. Put her own selfish needs before that of our daughter.
So it is not primarily about the sex thing anymore to me – it is about what kind of person does that kind of thing. Her moral compass. That is the bit I am struggling so hard to deal with.
It would be so easy for me to walk out, or even kick her out, but I have had to be strong for the sake of our daughter. I sit here crying every day, trying to make some kind of sense of it.
I have questioned whether I still love her and I know I do. In an ideal fairytale world with a magic wand I want us to work it out – but I don’t know whether I can ever forgive her bad choices.
She has given up all her passwords and email accounts, she has even changed her mobile number (which she has had for 20 years and I know she didn’t want to do) – so she is giving signs of how sorry she is and how she wants us to try again – but I just don’t know whether I can ever trust her again. If our relationship went sour because of our inability to communicate, how do I know that in another 10 years she will be unable to communicate with me again and history repeats itself.
I also know that I love her. Only two days after this came out I told her that I still loved her. I looked deeply inside and knew that that feeling was there despite everything. Love cannot be switched off. You either have it or you don’t and I do. But she has not told me that she loves me. This also makes me think that maybe deep down she doesn’t. If that love was inside her, surely she could tell me that?
I have been off work for 6 weeks now and still cry regularly. I cannot see any end in sight for getting over this. I have never in my life experienced so much intense pain. It is absolutely unbearable.
I’m sorry this post ended up being so long. I’ve just ended up dumping my thoughts.
If anyone has anything advice to offer then it will be greatly received.
Thank you for listening.
Paul, I'm wondering if You 'knew' in Your 'gut' that 'something' was up before You found the overnight bag. You said it was a "bizarre set of circumstances that led to You finding out". Maybe not so much (?), maybe You sensed that 'something' wasn't 'quite' right, that 'something' was amiss. Maybe Your 'knowing' 'something' is what led You to the "bizarre circumstances" that revealed to You that She was, in fact, cheating (?)
Often when we feel 'something' is not quite right, it turns out that it isn't. We are so Trusting of those we Trust - and besides that - denial is a powerful thing. Often we believe what we WANT to believe. I think now You know in future You should trust Your instincts.
Your Wife may never cheat again and I hope She doesn't - but in my opinion it's on Her to make HerSelf TrustWorthy again. That may take some real doing on Her part considering the duration of time and the number of events of Her cheating. She's the one who compromised Your Trust and Faith , as well as Your sense of Her Honesty, Integrity, Commitment. Morality, etc., etc. so it's on Her to remain patient and understanding of the lack of Faith and insecurity that You will feel for a very long time, maybe even forever. Whatever You feel as a result - She earned it and She needs to be willing for the consequence.......
on the other hand, You may grow weary of having Your "stomach in knots" from "every minute of wondering if there is anyone there that shouldn't be".
Speaking for myself, it took 15 years of having my stomach in knots, 15 years of Pain, Despair and Anguish before I left Him. No one is worth that (15 years). Some people say there's a thin line between love and hate but I don't think so, instead I think love can die. For me it took quite a killing. As I said before, I hope Your Wife never cheats again but if She does I hope You don't waste another 15 years of Your life.
Regards,
Tink
Often when we feel 'something' is not quite right, it turns out that it isn't. We are so Trusting of those we Trust - and besides that - denial is a powerful thing. Often we believe what we WANT to believe. I think now You know in future You should trust Your instincts.
Your Wife may never cheat again and I hope She doesn't - but in my opinion it's on Her to make HerSelf TrustWorthy again. That may take some real doing on Her part considering the duration of time and the number of events of Her cheating. She's the one who compromised Your Trust and Faith , as well as Your sense of Her Honesty, Integrity, Commitment. Morality, etc., etc. so it's on Her to remain patient and understanding of the lack of Faith and insecurity that You will feel for a very long time, maybe even forever. Whatever You feel as a result - She earned it and She needs to be willing for the consequence.......
on the other hand, You may grow weary of having Your "stomach in knots" from "every minute of wondering if there is anyone there that shouldn't be".
Speaking for myself, it took 15 years of having my stomach in knots, 15 years of Pain, Despair and Anguish before I left Him. No one is worth that (15 years). Some people say there's a thin line between love and hate but I don't think so, instead I think love can die. For me it took quite a killing. As I said before, I hope Your Wife never cheats again but if She does I hope You don't waste another 15 years of Your life.
Regards,
Tink
"I'm so sorry Paul for what you are going through right now."
Thank you
"I'm don't know if your daughter is old enough to know what's going on, hopefully she doesn't know the extent of it "
I don't think she needs to know that. Maybe in years to come she will know but not right now.
"you've said that you're not able to work right now though, and im thinking that if your daughter is off school, that it might be the right time to get away just you and your daughter, If it's at all possible."
I have thought of that but that would mean leaving my wife on her own in the house - and that ties my stomach in knots. Every minute I'll be wondering if there is anyone there that shouldn't be. For my own sake she needs to be visible to me. I cannot monitor her 25/7 - I know that, but for the short term at least I need that peace of mind.
"I think you really need to take a break and look after yourself"
I am certainly looking after myself. I am off work and that "is" giving me what I need to help me cope - trust me.
My prayers are with you moving forward. So glad you have had such fine support here,
Thanks Nighthawk
Thank you
"I'm don't know if your daughter is old enough to know what's going on, hopefully she doesn't know the extent of it "
I don't think she needs to know that. Maybe in years to come she will know but not right now.
"you've said that you're not able to work right now though, and im thinking that if your daughter is off school, that it might be the right time to get away just you and your daughter, If it's at all possible."
I have thought of that but that would mean leaving my wife on her own in the house - and that ties my stomach in knots. Every minute I'll be wondering if there is anyone there that shouldn't be. For my own sake she needs to be visible to me. I cannot monitor her 25/7 - I know that, but for the short term at least I need that peace of mind.
"I think you really need to take a break and look after yourself"
I am certainly looking after myself. I am off work and that "is" giving me what I need to help me cope - trust me.
My prayers are with you moving forward. So glad you have had such fine support here,
Thanks Nighthawk
"May I ask how You found out that Your Wife was cheating? How did You learn that She cheated 11 times? How did You learn that She had been cheating for 3 years."
It was a bizarre set of circumstances actually that led to me finding out - like I was led to find out!
But in a nutshell she was "supposed" to be meeting up with a friend one evening who was travelling through the area. Before she went out I just happened to borrow her car to go and pick up a parcel for collection and saw an overnight bag in the boot. When I opened it there were towels, underwear and sex toys in it. I let her go to meet her "friend" - then 'phoned her friend to ask if she was with her - which she wasn't.
Then she confessed to another. Then I went away for a few days and she kept adding 1 more to the list every so often (despite my asking her right at the very outset just to tell me everything.)
I just needed to know everything at this stage but because she kept saying "that's it - no more" - and then another one came out. I asked if she would take a polygraph test. It was primarily to gauge her reaction but then I thought what the hell - I need to know. She told me about everything the night before and then the point of the polygraph test was "is there anything else that has happened that is not on that list going back not just three years but to the day we got married."
"My Husband also cheated (several times) in our home. Personally, I took that as an extreme show of disdain for me and for our Children. The cheating was bad enough but to risk it in our own home was ANOTHER devastation for me. AND His lack of protecting me from disease was also a contention of disdain. Love (?) - where does that fit ?? "
Sorry to hear that for you too :(
"Once again I want to say that I relate to You on the deepest levels"
Thanks Tink. I really do appreciate all of your input.
Paul
x
It was a bizarre set of circumstances actually that led to me finding out - like I was led to find out!
But in a nutshell she was "supposed" to be meeting up with a friend one evening who was travelling through the area. Before she went out I just happened to borrow her car to go and pick up a parcel for collection and saw an overnight bag in the boot. When I opened it there were towels, underwear and sex toys in it. I let her go to meet her "friend" - then 'phoned her friend to ask if she was with her - which she wasn't.
Then she confessed to another. Then I went away for a few days and she kept adding 1 more to the list every so often (despite my asking her right at the very outset just to tell me everything.)
I just needed to know everything at this stage but because she kept saying "that's it - no more" - and then another one came out. I asked if she would take a polygraph test. It was primarily to gauge her reaction but then I thought what the hell - I need to know. She told me about everything the night before and then the point of the polygraph test was "is there anything else that has happened that is not on that list going back not just three years but to the day we got married."
"My Husband also cheated (several times) in our home. Personally, I took that as an extreme show of disdain for me and for our Children. The cheating was bad enough but to risk it in our own home was ANOTHER devastation for me. AND His lack of protecting me from disease was also a contention of disdain. Love (?) - where does that fit ?? "
Sorry to hear that for you too :(
"Once again I want to say that I relate to You on the deepest levels"
Thanks Tink. I really do appreciate all of your input.
Paul
x
I'm so sorry Paul for what you are going through right now.
I'm don't know if your daughter is old enough to know what's going on, hopefully she doesn't know the extent of it ....
.you've said that you're not able to work right now though, and im thinking that if your daughter is off school, that it might be the right time to get away just you and your daughter, If it's at all possible.
I think you really need to take a break and look after yourself , I'm not saying not to continue therapy, or that you're not doing a great job dealing with this, i'm just saying that it might be the appropriate time for you to get away and just breathe , you know? It will be here to look after when you get back.
I think it would be good for you to be able to take the time right now. You do have a huge decision to make in the future, I think it would be best if you took some time for yourself and your daughter to recharge yourselves before that time comes. It might be that your thinking process (again i'm not saying that you're not on the ball).would be more effective if you take the time to recharge.
My prayers are with you moving forward. So glad you have had such fine support here,
I'm don't know if your daughter is old enough to know what's going on, hopefully she doesn't know the extent of it ....
.you've said that you're not able to work right now though, and im thinking that if your daughter is off school, that it might be the right time to get away just you and your daughter, If it's at all possible.
I think you really need to take a break and look after yourself , I'm not saying not to continue therapy, or that you're not doing a great job dealing with this, i'm just saying that it might be the appropriate time for you to get away and just breathe , you know? It will be here to look after when you get back.
I think it would be good for you to be able to take the time right now. You do have a huge decision to make in the future, I think it would be best if you took some time for yourself and your daughter to recharge yourselves before that time comes. It might be that your thinking process (again i'm not saying that you're not on the ball).would be more effective if you take the time to recharge.
My prayers are with you moving forward. So glad you have had such fine support here,
I can only say we ALL have baggage - it still comes down to choice
A few years ago my Youngest Son (who was addicted to drugs and alcohol) was complaining to me that 'life' had handed Him some very difficult challenges. He was blaming other things and people for His own CHOICES. I said to Him:
We are ALL born in a pit - some pits are deeper than others but it is our choice to climb out of the pit and decide what kind of adult we CHOOSE to be"
Placing blame on one's "choices" is not exactly taking responsibility for wrong doing. Mental imbalance does not 'create' a lack of integrity, character or morals.
In my opinion Your Wife is responsible for the bad/poor choices She has made and She needs to have enough regret and remorse not to make excuses or have You make them for Her. She needs to adopt the 3 R's: Regret, Remorse and Repair (in that order) Does it seem to You that She is doing those things?
May I ask how You found out that Your Wife was cheating? How did You learn that She cheated 11 times? How did You learn that She had been cheating for 3 years.
My Husband also cheated (several times) in our home. Personally, I took that as an extreme show of disdain for me and for our Children. The cheating was bad enough but to risk it in our own home was ANOTHER devastation for me. AND His lack of protecting me from disease was also a contention of disdain. Love (?) - where does that fit ??
Once again I want to say that I relate to You on the deepest levels
Regards,
Tink
A few years ago my Youngest Son (who was addicted to drugs and alcohol) was complaining to me that 'life' had handed Him some very difficult challenges. He was blaming other things and people for His own CHOICES. I said to Him:
We are ALL born in a pit - some pits are deeper than others but it is our choice to climb out of the pit and decide what kind of adult we CHOOSE to be"
Placing blame on one's "choices" is not exactly taking responsibility for wrong doing. Mental imbalance does not 'create' a lack of integrity, character or morals.
In my opinion Your Wife is responsible for the bad/poor choices She has made and She needs to have enough regret and remorse not to make excuses or have You make them for Her. She needs to adopt the 3 R's: Regret, Remorse and Repair (in that order) Does it seem to You that She is doing those things?
May I ask how You found out that Your Wife was cheating? How did You learn that She cheated 11 times? How did You learn that She had been cheating for 3 years.
My Husband also cheated (several times) in our home. Personally, I took that as an extreme show of disdain for me and for our Children. The cheating was bad enough but to risk it in our own home was ANOTHER devastation for me. AND His lack of protecting me from disease was also a contention of disdain. Love (?) - where does that fit ??
Once again I want to say that I relate to You on the deepest levels
Regards,
Tink
"All we 'really' have in the first place is faith, and belief, and trust in the other - once that 'bond' is broken it is then forever marred. The perpetrator somehow never 'gets' that."
This is one of my concerns - whether she will ever 'truly' understand just how much devastation this has caused me
"Does She take responsibility for how insecure You will remain for (probably) a very long time? (maybe forever?) or does She expect You to 'just get over it'?"
In all honesty I do not know yet. I am still in a bad place and trying to come to terms with it all. This is something that would have to come out in couples conselling - if we get that far. Right now I cannot even contemplate coping with that.
P.S. I don't quite understand what You mean: "if She can be cured" or that You "fear She is too far gone and damaged" as I don't see cheating as a mental disease/disorder, but rather a CHOICE. Please explain?
The way I see it is that the brain is a very complicated thing. When people cannot "cope" with everything that is going on in their head, something has to give. Some people turn to alcohol, some people get depressed, some people turn suicidal.
I myself got to a stage in November where I felt that I couldn't cope with my wife's attitude any more. I didn't like the way she was talking to our child for example, it felt very aggressive to me, but every time I tried to mention it she would stomp off saying "yes I'm such a bad mother, it's all my fault." I felt that no matter how hard I tried she was simply unapproachable. I ended up going to the doctor's who gave me anti-depressants. My "solution" to dealing with all that stress was just to stay away from her as much as possible and keep out of her way. I also started drinking more than I should. I could go through 7-8 bottles of wine a week. It was wrong and I realise that and have since stopped - but when I was at my breaking point, that was what "I" did.
Everyone has their breaking point and when they reach it we all have different ways of handling the situation.
There is a thought/theory that my wife reached her breaking point and did what she did "purely" because of that. The point is that I am not convinced that cheating on people is a "part" of her make-up. It is not what she feels she "needs" to do to fulfil her life (whereas some people get a kick out of it - they "need" that thrill.")
One of the biggest questions I have asked myself is: If our marriage was a happy one and had been over the last three years particularly, would she still have done it? I can never be 100% sure of this answer of course but I am of the opinion that no - she wouldn't.
Add to the equation that she exhibited very risky and dangerous behaviour leads to a path of: she may even have been on the edge of a mental breakdown. Her behaviour was not "normal"
I am not saying I am right - I am just able to take a step back and try to analyse the "why." Equally I am no psychiatrist so I could be totally wrong. But what I "have" seen is other people in situations where they are unable to "cope" - and the resultant actions they perform are completely different and not "normal."
Therefore "if" my wife had some sort of mental problem that led her to do what she did, this is what I mean by "if she can be cured." If the mental illness she suffered can be brought under control and she can find solutions/acceptance and inner peace with herself, then maybe there is a chance. My concern is that there is "too much" emotional baggage inside her.
And of course this is only just one possible scenario anyway.
Paul
This is one of my concerns - whether she will ever 'truly' understand just how much devastation this has caused me
"Does She take responsibility for how insecure You will remain for (probably) a very long time? (maybe forever?) or does She expect You to 'just get over it'?"
In all honesty I do not know yet. I am still in a bad place and trying to come to terms with it all. This is something that would have to come out in couples conselling - if we get that far. Right now I cannot even contemplate coping with that.
P.S. I don't quite understand what You mean: "if She can be cured" or that You "fear She is too far gone and damaged" as I don't see cheating as a mental disease/disorder, but rather a CHOICE. Please explain?
The way I see it is that the brain is a very complicated thing. When people cannot "cope" with everything that is going on in their head, something has to give. Some people turn to alcohol, some people get depressed, some people turn suicidal.
I myself got to a stage in November where I felt that I couldn't cope with my wife's attitude any more. I didn't like the way she was talking to our child for example, it felt very aggressive to me, but every time I tried to mention it she would stomp off saying "yes I'm such a bad mother, it's all my fault." I felt that no matter how hard I tried she was simply unapproachable. I ended up going to the doctor's who gave me anti-depressants. My "solution" to dealing with all that stress was just to stay away from her as much as possible and keep out of her way. I also started drinking more than I should. I could go through 7-8 bottles of wine a week. It was wrong and I realise that and have since stopped - but when I was at my breaking point, that was what "I" did.
Everyone has their breaking point and when they reach it we all have different ways of handling the situation.
There is a thought/theory that my wife reached her breaking point and did what she did "purely" because of that. The point is that I am not convinced that cheating on people is a "part" of her make-up. It is not what she feels she "needs" to do to fulfil her life (whereas some people get a kick out of it - they "need" that thrill.")
One of the biggest questions I have asked myself is: If our marriage was a happy one and had been over the last three years particularly, would she still have done it? I can never be 100% sure of this answer of course but I am of the opinion that no - she wouldn't.
Add to the equation that she exhibited very risky and dangerous behaviour leads to a path of: she may even have been on the edge of a mental breakdown. Her behaviour was not "normal"
I am not saying I am right - I am just able to take a step back and try to analyse the "why." Equally I am no psychiatrist so I could be totally wrong. But what I "have" seen is other people in situations where they are unable to "cope" - and the resultant actions they perform are completely different and not "normal."
Therefore "if" my wife had some sort of mental problem that led her to do what she did, this is what I mean by "if she can be cured." If the mental illness she suffered can be brought under control and she can find solutions/acceptance and inner peace with herself, then maybe there is a chance. My concern is that there is "too much" emotional baggage inside her.
And of course this is only just one possible scenario anyway.
Paul
well........three years IS a long time, and 11 times IS a lot (again, in my opinion)
I hope You succeed in what it is You seek to find with/for/about Your Wife - I truly and sincerely do - but realize that the 'bond' You 'thought' You had with Her is forever changed. She needs to realize that too.
All we 'really' have in the first place is faith, and belief, and trust in the other - once that 'bond' is broken it is then forever marred. The perpetrator somehow never 'gets' that.
Does She take responsibility for how insecure You will remain for (probably) a very long time? (maybe forever?) or does She expect You to 'just get over it'?
This only touches the surface - believe me, I relate to the despair and anguish You feel on the deepest level as it once was mine as well.
P.S. I don't quite understand what You mean: "if She can be cured" or that You "fear She is too far gone and damaged" as I don't see cheating as a mental disease/disorder, but rather a CHOICE. Please explain?
Regards,
Tink
I hope You succeed in what it is You seek to find with/for/about Your Wife - I truly and sincerely do - but realize that the 'bond' You 'thought' You had with Her is forever changed. She needs to realize that too.
All we 'really' have in the first place is faith, and belief, and trust in the other - once that 'bond' is broken it is then forever marred. The perpetrator somehow never 'gets' that.
Does She take responsibility for how insecure You will remain for (probably) a very long time? (maybe forever?) or does She expect You to 'just get over it'?
This only touches the surface - believe me, I relate to the despair and anguish You feel on the deepest level as it once was mine as well.
P.S. I don't quite understand what You mean: "if She can be cured" or that You "fear She is too far gone and damaged" as I don't see cheating as a mental disease/disorder, but rather a CHOICE. Please explain?
Regards,
Tink
I'm just curious.......
You said that You are satisfied She is not a "serial adulterer" yet You site:
"ELEVEN separate occasions over a 3 YEAR period"
I know it sounds weird.
If she had done this while we were going out, i.e. right at the very start of our relationship (we have been married for 12 years and knew each other for three before that), and had also done it during the course of our marriage then that is a (big) and different issue.
So out of 15 years total it only started 3 years ago. "Something" happened three years ago that kicked it all off.
We have both been unhappy in our marriage for some considerable period of time. She feels that I have not been providing what she wants from a husband. Love, security, comfort, to be needed, to felt wanted.
She works in HR and uses a messenger type program to support managers in remote offices. She gets to know the managers well as she speaks with and supports them regularly. On top of "work" chat they also started friendly chat. Talking about themselves, kids, weather etc.
The first guy she slept with was one of these managers who was telling her about "his" unhappy marriage. They exchanged unhappy marriage stories over time and eventually ended up sleeping together. So it's not like she went "looking" for sex as it were. Two people in similar situations with similar problems.
The second was again a different manager but in a similar situation to the first.
The third was a guy at work and so was the fourth.
Thereafter she joined a "sex" website (not a dating website, just people looking for casual sex) and continued to make some very bad choices (I'm not referring to the sex but the fact that it was unprotected sex with strangers. Could have got pregnant. Brought someone into our home. Left our child with a friend so she could meet up with someone.)
As was mentioned by Rockrose at the start, the inference is that someone who picks up strangers has psychiatric issues. I have researched this extensively from psychology websites and psychiatrists and it certainly rings true. It's a very deep and troublesome area. Someone who exhibits this kind of "dangerous" behaviour is more than likely suffering a mental illness.
This I am comparing to someone who does it regularly right from day one and continues to do so. Even if someone had loads of affairs, this is arguably slightly different to the dangerous risks my wife took.
I know it sounds like I am defending her but peoples "problems" manifest themselves in a number of ways. I believe it all started because she got to a point where she lost control of herself mentally.
The biggest point is .... "if" I can truly believe this is why it happened and "if" it/she can be cured then do I believe she would do it again?
If it is a yes to both then I do indeed believe that she would remain faithful - hence not a serial adulterer.
My fear though is that she is that far gone and damaged that it would take the best psychiatrist to sort her out and more cash than I have - so if the root cause of the problem "isn't" resolved then it could (and would I believe) happen again.
You said that You are satisfied She is not a "serial adulterer" yet You site:
"ELEVEN separate occasions over a 3 YEAR period"
I know it sounds weird.
If she had done this while we were going out, i.e. right at the very start of our relationship (we have been married for 12 years and knew each other for three before that), and had also done it during the course of our marriage then that is a (big) and different issue.
So out of 15 years total it only started 3 years ago. "Something" happened three years ago that kicked it all off.
We have both been unhappy in our marriage for some considerable period of time. She feels that I have not been providing what she wants from a husband. Love, security, comfort, to be needed, to felt wanted.
She works in HR and uses a messenger type program to support managers in remote offices. She gets to know the managers well as she speaks with and supports them regularly. On top of "work" chat they also started friendly chat. Talking about themselves, kids, weather etc.
The first guy she slept with was one of these managers who was telling her about "his" unhappy marriage. They exchanged unhappy marriage stories over time and eventually ended up sleeping together. So it's not like she went "looking" for sex as it were. Two people in similar situations with similar problems.
The second was again a different manager but in a similar situation to the first.
The third was a guy at work and so was the fourth.
Thereafter she joined a "sex" website (not a dating website, just people looking for casual sex) and continued to make some very bad choices (I'm not referring to the sex but the fact that it was unprotected sex with strangers. Could have got pregnant. Brought someone into our home. Left our child with a friend so she could meet up with someone.)
As was mentioned by Rockrose at the start, the inference is that someone who picks up strangers has psychiatric issues. I have researched this extensively from psychology websites and psychiatrists and it certainly rings true. It's a very deep and troublesome area. Someone who exhibits this kind of "dangerous" behaviour is more than likely suffering a mental illness.
This I am comparing to someone who does it regularly right from day one and continues to do so. Even if someone had loads of affairs, this is arguably slightly different to the dangerous risks my wife took.
I know it sounds like I am defending her but peoples "problems" manifest themselves in a number of ways. I believe it all started because she got to a point where she lost control of herself mentally.
The biggest point is .... "if" I can truly believe this is why it happened and "if" it/she can be cured then do I believe she would do it again?
If it is a yes to both then I do indeed believe that she would remain faithful - hence not a serial adulterer.
My fear though is that she is that far gone and damaged that it would take the best psychiatrist to sort her out and more cash than I have - so if the root cause of the problem "isn't" resolved then it could (and would I believe) happen again.
I'm just curious.......
You said that You are satisfied She is not a "serial adulterer" yet You site:
"ELEVEN separate occasions over a 3 YEAR period"
I wonder, what constitutes a "serial adulterer" in Your opinion?
and what over the number 3 years constitutes "going on for years" in Your opinion?
Regards,
Tink
You said that You are satisfied She is not a "serial adulterer" yet You site:
"ELEVEN separate occasions over a 3 YEAR period"
I wonder, what constitutes a "serial adulterer" in Your opinion?
and what over the number 3 years constitutes "going on for years" in Your opinion?
Regards,
Tink
"ONE of the issues I had in my own experience was the dishonesty that He so easily displayed - that He could spend an evening 'doing the deed' with another and then come home in the sun-shiny light of day, look me and the Children in the eye without feeling guilt or remorse for what He was doing."
This is one of the most painful things for me too.
"It caused me to feel I was married to a 'stranger' and it even scared me a little to realize He was capable of deceiving His wife and His Children in such a grievous way !!"
Exactly the same
"I felt that I was married to, and produced Children, with someone who was a complete stranger to me - because the Person I 'thought' I knew would not have been capable of such treachery. (strong words I know - but we only speak in words and I'm trying to convey the depth of my anguish and despair)"
It's like you're reading my mind :(
"In my own situation, my Husband never stopped cheating. He cheated for the entire 15 years before I left Him."
This is the bit that I'm struggling with. It only started three years ago. I know because I made her undertake a polygraph test (don't want to get into the merits of their validity - suffice it to say I am satisfied that she is not a serial adulterer.)
"He also cheated with a few 'friends' of mine and with BOTH my Brothers' Wives !!"
Sorry to hear that :(
"cheating is a character issue."
I totally agree and if it had been going on for years then I would be out.
"Just my opinion. "
And it is appreciated.
Whatever You do with this situation, I Wish You and Your Daughter The Utmost Best
Thank you Tink x
This is one of the most painful things for me too.
"It caused me to feel I was married to a 'stranger' and it even scared me a little to realize He was capable of deceiving His wife and His Children in such a grievous way !!"
Exactly the same
"I felt that I was married to, and produced Children, with someone who was a complete stranger to me - because the Person I 'thought' I knew would not have been capable of such treachery. (strong words I know - but we only speak in words and I'm trying to convey the depth of my anguish and despair)"
It's like you're reading my mind :(
"In my own situation, my Husband never stopped cheating. He cheated for the entire 15 years before I left Him."
This is the bit that I'm struggling with. It only started three years ago. I know because I made her undertake a polygraph test (don't want to get into the merits of their validity - suffice it to say I am satisfied that she is not a serial adulterer.)
"He also cheated with a few 'friends' of mine and with BOTH my Brothers' Wives !!"
Sorry to hear that :(
"cheating is a character issue."
I totally agree and if it had been going on for years then I would be out.
"Just my opinion. "
And it is appreciated.
Whatever You do with this situation, I Wish You and Your Daughter The Utmost Best
Thank you Tink x
I understand and (even relate) to all the issues You have regarding the difficulty You are having with the revelation that Your Wife has been cheating for THREE years.
ONE of the issues I had in my own experience was the dishonesty that He so easily displayed - that He could spend an evening 'doing the deed' with another and then come home in the sun-shiny light of day, look me and the Children in the eye without feeling guilt or remorse for what He was doing. It caused me to feel I was married to a 'stranger' and it even scared me a little to realize He was capable of deceiving His wife and His Children in such a grievous way !! I felt that I was married to, and produced Children, with someone who was a complete stranger to me - because the Person I 'thought' I knew would not have been capable of such treachery. (strong words I know - but we only speak in words and I'm trying to convey the depth of my anguish and despair)
In my own situation, my Husband never stopped cheating. He cheated for the entire 15 years before I left Him. Besides those I never knew on a personal level, He also cheated with a few 'friends' of mine and with BOTH my Brothers' Wives !! Of course, every time He 'said' He was sorry, every time He 'appeared' to be remorseful BUT He was a good actor and a good liar to be such a cheat in the first place.
If You are going to stay it's absolutely imperative that You and She have counseling - but it is my own personal opinion that no matter what childhood issues anyone might have - cheating is a character issue. If it's not in one's character, one's morals or integrity to cheat - one will NOT cheat on a commitment no matter what.
Just my opinion.
Whatever You do with this situation, I Wish You and Your Daughter The Utmost Best
Regards,
Tink
ONE of the issues I had in my own experience was the dishonesty that He so easily displayed - that He could spend an evening 'doing the deed' with another and then come home in the sun-shiny light of day, look me and the Children in the eye without feeling guilt or remorse for what He was doing. It caused me to feel I was married to a 'stranger' and it even scared me a little to realize He was capable of deceiving His wife and His Children in such a grievous way !! I felt that I was married to, and produced Children, with someone who was a complete stranger to me - because the Person I 'thought' I knew would not have been capable of such treachery. (strong words I know - but we only speak in words and I'm trying to convey the depth of my anguish and despair)
In my own situation, my Husband never stopped cheating. He cheated for the entire 15 years before I left Him. Besides those I never knew on a personal level, He also cheated with a few 'friends' of mine and with BOTH my Brothers' Wives !! Of course, every time He 'said' He was sorry, every time He 'appeared' to be remorseful BUT He was a good actor and a good liar to be such a cheat in the first place.
If You are going to stay it's absolutely imperative that You and She have counseling - but it is my own personal opinion that no matter what childhood issues anyone might have - cheating is a character issue. If it's not in one's character, one's morals or integrity to cheat - one will NOT cheat on a commitment no matter what.
Just my opinion.
Whatever You do with this situation, I Wish You and Your Daughter The Utmost Best
Regards,
Tink
Paul, i have been in the exact same position as you many years ago, twice. Am speaking from experience.
One day while at work my boss said he was going to lunch and to watch the store, half hour later i got a call from my neighbor saying my bosses truck was parked in front of my house and i also wondered why she got up at night to greet my brother who was visiting while i was going to bed. I still dont know who the child belongs to, me or my brother.
I did in fact leave and did not look back and it was the best decision of my life. Ive been married for 26 years now to a woman who would never even consider doing such things.
Sometimes you just got to suck it up as whats done is done. Dont add in other excuses for her like its a possible disorder. Its intentioal and calulated.
One day while at work my boss said he was going to lunch and to watch the store, half hour later i got a call from my neighbor saying my bosses truck was parked in front of my house and i also wondered why she got up at night to greet my brother who was visiting while i was going to bed. I still dont know who the child belongs to, me or my brother.
I did in fact leave and did not look back and it was the best decision of my life. Ive been married for 26 years now to a woman who would never even consider doing such things.
Sometimes you just got to suck it up as whats done is done. Dont add in other excuses for her like its a possible disorder. Its intentioal and calulated.
"And her being with other men is making you desire her even more"
I appreciate your comment and this is something that I have questioned.
If I did not love her then this is the absolute and ideal opportunity for me to leave. I have used this moment as an opportunity to reflect upon my feelings for her. The bottom line is that I married her and I do love her. This is arguably what makes it all the more difficult. If I didn't love her then off I go - end of story. But that is not the case.
I "have" questioned this myself and do not believe I am desiring her even more. What I have done is recognised that the desire I had for her all those years ago is simply still there. That is all.
The biggest problem for me now maybe is how do I let go of the woman I love?
I simply cannot put myself in this position again so I would be taking a "huge" gamble on whether she did this for psychiatric reasons. "If" she did and "if" I was willing to accept that, who is to say it will not happen again?
"in that relaxed state of anxiety all the images will come back and youll eventully leave anyway as the thoughts will be unbearable."
That has been happening constantly for the last 6 weeks.
"and later find someone who can be faithful."
I thought I had that already. If I start again, surely it could happen again?
I do appreciate you taking the time to reply Live - thank you.
I appreciate your comment and this is something that I have questioned.
If I did not love her then this is the absolute and ideal opportunity for me to leave. I have used this moment as an opportunity to reflect upon my feelings for her. The bottom line is that I married her and I do love her. This is arguably what makes it all the more difficult. If I didn't love her then off I go - end of story. But that is not the case.
I "have" questioned this myself and do not believe I am desiring her even more. What I have done is recognised that the desire I had for her all those years ago is simply still there. That is all.
The biggest problem for me now maybe is how do I let go of the woman I love?
I simply cannot put myself in this position again so I would be taking a "huge" gamble on whether she did this for psychiatric reasons. "If" she did and "if" I was willing to accept that, who is to say it will not happen again?
"in that relaxed state of anxiety all the images will come back and youll eventully leave anyway as the thoughts will be unbearable."
That has been happening constantly for the last 6 weeks.
"and later find someone who can be faithful."
I thought I had that already. If I start again, surely it could happen again?
I do appreciate you taking the time to reply Live - thank you.
Paul, the bottom line is that your with a person who has no regard for you or the welfare of the family. Dont accept your own personal desires of what you need from her as love, because its not.
And her being with other men is making you desire her even more and i suspect that if she does stop this horrible thing she is doing, and comes back to you only, and you know she is now yours, in that relaxed state of anxiety all the images will come back and youll eventully leave anyway as the thoughts will be unbearable.
I would consider this a re-start of your life and take a break from all women and later find someone who can be faithful.
And her being with other men is making you desire her even more and i suspect that if she does stop this horrible thing she is doing, and comes back to you only, and you know she is now yours, in that relaxed state of anxiety all the images will come back and youll eventully leave anyway as the thoughts will be unbearable.
I would consider this a re-start of your life and take a break from all women and later find someone who can be faithful.
Thank you fitmommy.
Despite not wanting to hear what you said, it does actually make sense.
It's not going to be easy playing the waiting game and I don't know whether I am strong enough to last that long - but hearing it said actually gives me a bit of breathing space to work with - thank you.
Despite not wanting to hear what you said, it does actually make sense.
It's not going to be easy playing the waiting game and I don't know whether I am strong enough to last that long - but hearing it said actually gives me a bit of breathing space to work with - thank you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think clement4now has some incredible wisdom for you. I really like her idea of a journal. May I also suggest a therapist for yourself to talk this through. And definitely agree to be very protective of your daughter and keep her out of this. peace and luck to you
Paul -
Whether you choose to stay or choose to divorce, or if she chooses to divorce, you have a lot of work ahead.
" If she has issues going back 30 odd years then I want this to be a secondary discussion in therapy. I told her straight that I want her to address the last three years "first" - the rest can wait. She doesn't seem to grasp this point however and that bothers me. "
If she has issues going back 30 odd years, and you are choosing to sit it out with her, they can't wait. To someone with that much "baggage", the last 3 don't make sense.. it will all unravel together, and who she comes out on the other side will be a different person, although quite possibly a better, happier one... one that won't cheat and who will stand by your side for the rest of you lives.
I think in this situation you need patience and understanding. If she's willing to stay with you and has apologized and expressed remorse, you can't expect her actions day to day to reflect that, nor should you expect any sort of groveling... she may want to put it behind her...(?)
If there are issues, let her address and ask for commitment to making it work, ask for her to keep you involved in her progress. Divorce is awful, there's no way around that... but she has healing to do in order to have a healthy future with you. I commend you for not walking away.
It takes a lot to be able to do that, it should also be said that you will heal and learn to trust her again on your own, but you can't hold it against her or use it against her, unless she deceits or acts deceitful, then you can use it to avoid being hurt, but not to hurt her... Regularly a person will feel ashamed for their wrong-doings and will rebel against facing them past the point of trying make up for them. (As long as she is trying and legitimately working on them, you are offering to stand by her to work on your problems together, and you can't cage her.)
I hope it works for you and your family
Whether you choose to stay or choose to divorce, or if she chooses to divorce, you have a lot of work ahead.
" If she has issues going back 30 odd years then I want this to be a secondary discussion in therapy. I told her straight that I want her to address the last three years "first" - the rest can wait. She doesn't seem to grasp this point however and that bothers me. "
If she has issues going back 30 odd years, and you are choosing to sit it out with her, they can't wait. To someone with that much "baggage", the last 3 don't make sense.. it will all unravel together, and who she comes out on the other side will be a different person, although quite possibly a better, happier one... one that won't cheat and who will stand by your side for the rest of you lives.
I think in this situation you need patience and understanding. If she's willing to stay with you and has apologized and expressed remorse, you can't expect her actions day to day to reflect that, nor should you expect any sort of groveling... she may want to put it behind her...(?)
If there are issues, let her address and ask for commitment to making it work, ask for her to keep you involved in her progress. Divorce is awful, there's no way around that... but she has healing to do in order to have a healthy future with you. I commend you for not walking away.
It takes a lot to be able to do that, it should also be said that you will heal and learn to trust her again on your own, but you can't hold it against her or use it against her, unless she deceits or acts deceitful, then you can use it to avoid being hurt, but not to hurt her... Regularly a person will feel ashamed for their wrong-doings and will rebel against facing them past the point of trying make up for them. (As long as she is trying and legitimately working on them, you are offering to stand by her to work on your problems together, and you can't cage her.)
I hope it works for you and your family
I think you are being very wise to shelter your daughter from all of this; good job on your part.
In regard to your other questions about waiting for her, and if she will sort herself out (?) ~ only time will tell. Honestly, marriage counseling is the only way to get to the root of why this all took place in your marriage, and how you should go about resolving the past and any current problems. Through the counseling you're both going to have the option(s) to figure out what the best solution is for your marriage; either choose to stay together and mend from the damage, or allow it to end. A really good idea is to keep a personal journal; write down any questions and feelings you are struggling with, then openly discuss them with the counselor and your wife during a session ~ a journal really helps you keep focused during any meetings...
At this point, you should proceed with caution. In some instances, an affair can strengthen a marriage, or it could destroy it. The thing is, based on her past indiscretions she has proven that she makes bad choices. It is now up to her to prove that she can be trustworthy, honest, and show integrity if she ever wants your marriage to heal. You have to be willing to forgive her, and once again be able to trust her ~ and that could take a long time, sometimes years...
I wish you all the best, and I really hope that you and your wife can find a positive solution for your marriage.
Take Care
In regard to your other questions about waiting for her, and if she will sort herself out (?) ~ only time will tell. Honestly, marriage counseling is the only way to get to the root of why this all took place in your marriage, and how you should go about resolving the past and any current problems. Through the counseling you're both going to have the option(s) to figure out what the best solution is for your marriage; either choose to stay together and mend from the damage, or allow it to end. A really good idea is to keep a personal journal; write down any questions and feelings you are struggling with, then openly discuss them with the counselor and your wife during a session ~ a journal really helps you keep focused during any meetings...
At this point, you should proceed with caution. In some instances, an affair can strengthen a marriage, or it could destroy it. The thing is, based on her past indiscretions she has proven that she makes bad choices. It is now up to her to prove that she can be trustworthy, honest, and show integrity if she ever wants your marriage to heal. You have to be willing to forgive her, and once again be able to trust her ~ and that could take a long time, sometimes years...
I wish you all the best, and I really hope that you and your wife can find a positive solution for your marriage.
Take Care
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