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Need Advice on Cheating Husband
Well, it's me again. Last week I posted the post about having 10 month old and one on the way, and my husband was "leaving." I actually posted that in the "Divorce and Breakups" community. The saga continues and I could really use some advice on how I should handle this and approach this.
Before I said that he had become distant, but beginning last week, he suddenly started calling me again just to talk, sounded more like his old self, telling me he loved me without me having to say it first. He came home on Friday and was suddenly talking about moving back in full time, where we were going to send the baby to school in four years, all the stuff I had been wanting him to do for months now. Needless to say, I was very happy. I still couldn't help thinking in the back of my mind that he had cheated on me, and had now broken it off and wanted to be with me. Saturday night he was passed out on the couch and his cell phone kept going off. I had been trying to be a good person and respect his privacy and not go through his phone, but memories of him being so "secretive" on the phone the week before resurfaced so I picked up the phone and found numerous text messages back and forth between him and a woman named Abby. Some were as recent as Saturday evening. In some she even told him she loved him, and he would tell her how much he missed her, etc.
I woke him up and told him what I had found, and he denied it and said she was some crazy chick he had met at rehab and she was in love with him and he couldn't get her to leave him alone. I told him I wasn't stupid and could read his responses back to her. So, the truth slowly came out, first by saying they had just kissed, and then he finally admitted there had been no "NA Campouts", he had been going up there to sleep with her. I asked him how he could do that, it affected not just me but our whole family. He told me that our relationship had been bad for a long time and basically I should have seen this coming. Until he got back from rehab, I had NO IDEA our relationship was in trouble. I had missed him the whole time he was gone and was looking forward to him coming home and kind of "starting over." He didn't even tell me he wanted to "seperate" until after he had all ready started sleeping with her.
He didn't even have sex with her at rehab! He had two whole weeks at home with me where he could have addressed all the supposed problems in our relationship and said that we needed to talk or not be together anymore or whatever. Instead, he lied and said he was going to an NA function and tried to make me feel guilty for not wanting him to go so he could "work on himself."
When he told me about Abby, I was shocked and numb. He said he was sorry but it alwasy feels like there is a "but" associated with his apology, like my actions led him to do this. I have always been very good to him and supportive of him, I don't think he's going to find anyone else that will put up with all the things I have put up with from him. I asked him if he was going to continue seeing her and he said no, he had found out she was crazy and she made him appreciate me 10 times more. But then I asked again if he was going to stop talking to her and he would answer "sure", almost in this tone like that wasn't the truth.
I would be wiling to try to forgive him if he would take full responsibility for what he has done and stop blaming this situation on me, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I have asked him to attend counseling with me so I can say some of the things I want to say to him in a controlled setting, but he keeps saying I need to keep seeing my counselor first so I can continue to "work on myself", again like our relationship problems are my fault and I'm the one that needs help. He thinks everything is OK between us right now, and I think he is still planning on coming home. Nows that the numbness is wearing off, I am angry. I would love to try to work through this but he needs to take responsibility first.
I just feel so stupid because a part of me is so happy to "have him back" that I am afraid to rock the boat. I don't know how to bring this up and talk about this and tell him how unhappy I am, and that I don't think I want to be with him anymore, at least until he comes grovelling at my feet like he should. So, I don't really know what my question is, but what would be your advice in this situation? What would you do?
Before I said that he had become distant, but beginning last week, he suddenly started calling me again just to talk, sounded more like his old self, telling me he loved me without me having to say it first. He came home on Friday and was suddenly talking about moving back in full time, where we were going to send the baby to school in four years, all the stuff I had been wanting him to do for months now. Needless to say, I was very happy. I still couldn't help thinking in the back of my mind that he had cheated on me, and had now broken it off and wanted to be with me. Saturday night he was passed out on the couch and his cell phone kept going off. I had been trying to be a good person and respect his privacy and not go through his phone, but memories of him being so "secretive" on the phone the week before resurfaced so I picked up the phone and found numerous text messages back and forth between him and a woman named Abby. Some were as recent as Saturday evening. In some she even told him she loved him, and he would tell her how much he missed her, etc.
I woke him up and told him what I had found, and he denied it and said she was some crazy chick he had met at rehab and she was in love with him and he couldn't get her to leave him alone. I told him I wasn't stupid and could read his responses back to her. So, the truth slowly came out, first by saying they had just kissed, and then he finally admitted there had been no "NA Campouts", he had been going up there to sleep with her. I asked him how he could do that, it affected not just me but our whole family. He told me that our relationship had been bad for a long time and basically I should have seen this coming. Until he got back from rehab, I had NO IDEA our relationship was in trouble. I had missed him the whole time he was gone and was looking forward to him coming home and kind of "starting over." He didn't even tell me he wanted to "seperate" until after he had all ready started sleeping with her.
He didn't even have sex with her at rehab! He had two whole weeks at home with me where he could have addressed all the supposed problems in our relationship and said that we needed to talk or not be together anymore or whatever. Instead, he lied and said he was going to an NA function and tried to make me feel guilty for not wanting him to go so he could "work on himself."
When he told me about Abby, I was shocked and numb. He said he was sorry but it alwasy feels like there is a "but" associated with his apology, like my actions led him to do this. I have always been very good to him and supportive of him, I don't think he's going to find anyone else that will put up with all the things I have put up with from him. I asked him if he was going to continue seeing her and he said no, he had found out she was crazy and she made him appreciate me 10 times more. But then I asked again if he was going to stop talking to her and he would answer "sure", almost in this tone like that wasn't the truth.
I would be wiling to try to forgive him if he would take full responsibility for what he has done and stop blaming this situation on me, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I have asked him to attend counseling with me so I can say some of the things I want to say to him in a controlled setting, but he keeps saying I need to keep seeing my counselor first so I can continue to "work on myself", again like our relationship problems are my fault and I'm the one that needs help. He thinks everything is OK between us right now, and I think he is still planning on coming home. Nows that the numbness is wearing off, I am angry. I would love to try to work through this but he needs to take responsibility first.
I just feel so stupid because a part of me is so happy to "have him back" that I am afraid to rock the boat. I don't know how to bring this up and talk about this and tell him how unhappy I am, and that I don't think I want to be with him anymore, at least until he comes grovelling at my feet like he should. So, I don't really know what my question is, but what would be your advice in this situation? What would you do?
Best Answer
COMMUNITY LEADER
No. I think divorce is perfectly reasonable under the circumstances. I think your husband is very sick and to be honest, this has not been a real relationship for a very long time. You need to worry about you and your children. I'm glad you are seeing a new therapist and hope that you continue at meetings both for you as an addict and you as a codependent.
But I think divorce is appropriate here. good luck
But I think divorce is appropriate here. good luck
The part of me that wants to find good in all people really wants to beleive that it is not true of everyone the "once a cheater, always a cheater" saying. A weel ago I wouldn't have beleived you, I would have said "he went 8 years without cheating and it was that one time. He said it was over and he was coming back to me and wouldn't do it again!" Well, guess where he is going tomorrow? Another "NA Overnight Function." We were talking about our situation last Saturday and suddenly the FIRST NA Campout thing or whatever the crap he went to was real, only the last 2 were phony and used as an excuse for him to go cheat. I told him I was not comfortable with him going, and even if the function was real, he had forfeited his right to go because of how he had used it as an excuse, etc. Well, he told me Sunday night that he would "consider" not going. I got a TEXT from him yesterday saying "I love you, I spent 5 days with you and Jade last weekend. All the questions and talking and everything was just too much. I need a weekend off. I am going to the campout with Justin. Don't worry, everything will be fine."
At first I freaked out and started to do the clingy thing that I have done over and over and over. But then I took a few breaths and stepped back from the situation. I had promised myself that if he chose WHATEVER it is he is doing this weekend over me this time, that was it. And he let me know in no uncertain terms yesterday more than once after that text message that he was going to the campout and there was really nothing I could do about it. But he loves me and he is really going with his male friend and bla, bla, bla. Even if that is true he should want to see his daughter and he should want to see me to talk to see if our relationship is even salvageable. I have decided to file for divorce.
What does anyone think about that? I have an appointment with a new therapist on Monday, but I am really seriously considering divorce now. Should I wait and see how things progress or should I just realize what all of you can probably see and this relationship is not worth even trying to save?
At first I freaked out and started to do the clingy thing that I have done over and over and over. But then I took a few breaths and stepped back from the situation. I had promised myself that if he chose WHATEVER it is he is doing this weekend over me this time, that was it. And he let me know in no uncertain terms yesterday more than once after that text message that he was going to the campout and there was really nothing I could do about it. But he loves me and he is really going with his male friend and bla, bla, bla. Even if that is true he should want to see his daughter and he should want to see me to talk to see if our relationship is even salvageable. I have decided to file for divorce.
What does anyone think about that? I have an appointment with a new therapist on Monday, but I am really seriously considering divorce now. Should I wait and see how things progress or should I just realize what all of you can probably see and this relationship is not worth even trying to save?
Wow. Let me say something to you Kooberz807. If he cheated once, he WILL cheat again. Some men are just never faithful. You give him loyalty and respect, don't you? Well you deserve the same. He won't give it to you, because he doesn't care.
I know you love him. He probably loves you too, but he is a cheater! Lol. Bottom line!
Imagine how that makes you feel. Its one of the worse feeling in the world, you're at home crying, and he doesnt give you the respect you deserve?
Only thing you can do is either stay with him, and let him cheat, or leave him and be with someone who respects you. There IS the right man out there for you. But you can't find him if you stay with this creep. (Sorry but its the truth lol.) Its as simple as that. Good luck!
I know you love him. He probably loves you too, but he is a cheater! Lol. Bottom line!
Imagine how that makes you feel. Its one of the worse feeling in the world, you're at home crying, and he doesnt give you the respect you deserve?
Only thing you can do is either stay with him, and let him cheat, or leave him and be with someone who respects you. There IS the right man out there for you. But you can't find him if you stay with this creep. (Sorry but its the truth lol.) Its as simple as that. Good luck!
I wouldn't be surprised if he was with this woman because she was taking drugs herself. That was what you both once had in common and you don't anymore. Perhaps she does it with him and therefore she makes it easy for him to do what he is most comfortable with and that's drugs. I think the best thing you can do right now is tell him that you would only consider reconciling with him if he were to go back to rehab, continue on the road to sobriety and then you will see. But right now, the only thing you can do is focus on yourself, on your children and on your own sobriety and getting healthy mentally. He will only bring you down and you don't need that right now. I also wish you happiness, the good thing about this is you're thinking of what's best and not acting on impulse. That's a step in the right direction for you.
I know the way I am thinking is not right at the moment. I am confused and scared and never been in this situation. Although I am an addict myself, I just didn't correlate addiction and cheating- it's strange, I would for other people but for some reason not for him. For him it was always drugs, drugs, drugs. I used to feel like he was cheating on me by using drugs behind my back. I even told him this, and I really do feel stupid because for 8 years I have come 2nd to something- drugs and now some other woman. I'm sure there were other things in those 8 years that I came 2nd to as well, probably whatever came up whenever. I had just accepted it as a part of life, I made myself too numb to really care. He stopped being first for me as well and we kind of just existed together instead of really being together.
I'm just hurt because once I got clean, I would watch him when he was sober and think to myself "wow, he really has a nice sense of humor" or "that was really sweet that he said that." I was excited that he wanted to go to rehab and he seemed to be saying all the right things about getting clean and getting his life together and talked about OUR lives together. It just sounded great to me. I feel betrayed because I was planning and counting on giving this new life a shot, and obviously he had other plans.
He is calling me right now begging me to come home. He says he loves me and wants to stay married. I actually never knew life could really be this hard. And for me, dealing with all of this with a sober and clear head- it's like I feel every second of every day just tick by. I'm doing everything I can and talking to everyone I can to make the right choices and most importantly stay clean for myself and the baby- but this is just so hard. Thanks for all your words of wisdom and well wishes. You really give me something to think about.
I'm just hurt because once I got clean, I would watch him when he was sober and think to myself "wow, he really has a nice sense of humor" or "that was really sweet that he said that." I was excited that he wanted to go to rehab and he seemed to be saying all the right things about getting clean and getting his life together and talked about OUR lives together. It just sounded great to me. I feel betrayed because I was planning and counting on giving this new life a shot, and obviously he had other plans.
He is calling me right now begging me to come home. He says he loves me and wants to stay married. I actually never knew life could really be this hard. And for me, dealing with all of this with a sober and clear head- it's like I feel every second of every day just tick by. I'm doing everything I can and talking to everyone I can to make the right choices and most importantly stay clean for myself and the baby- but this is just so hard. Thanks for all your words of wisdom and well wishes. You really give me something to think about.
I have been trying to figure out for a long time why, instead of leaving him when I first found that syringe in his coat pocket 3 months into our relationship, I stayed with him. First, my plan was to "save" him. When that didnt' work it's like I got defeated and again, instead of leaving him, I adopted the attitude that his drug use wouldn't hurt me so bad if I used drugs too. Our whole relationship has been dysfunctional and I realize that. I was just not expecting this outcome at all! I never in a million years expected him to cheat on me because he always seemed to realize, even through a drug induced haze, that he was extremelly lucky to have me. I was really hoping that he would go to rehab and start to get better and maybe we could make an attempt to have a real relationship and see where that went. I got myself all hyped up thinking that it could really work, maybe we could actually have a meaningful relationship. He was obviously thinking the exact opposite and decided to start a relationship with another woman.
It just hurts. I have tried to always be there with him and for him and this is how he repays me. I am not looking forward to the conversation telling him that it's not going to be as easy as he thinks it is and he can't come home right now. A miracle would have to happen now for things to work out like that. Do you really think he will be surprised?
It just hurts. I have tried to always be there with him and for him and this is how he repays me. I am not looking forward to the conversation telling him that it's not going to be as easy as he thinks it is and he can't come home right now. A miracle would have to happen now for things to work out like that. Do you really think he will be surprised?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, at this point--------- I think you have to worry about the hear and now. You need to get through this situation before worrying about the next.
I think you are a wise woman to realize that things are a little different now that you have two children which will complicate dating a bit. But that does not mean you will not meet someone special down the road. I wouldn't try to date right away as I think you still have some work to do to sort out how you got into this situation. You had stated in another posting that you started dating your now husband and found he was using drugs. Instead of just ending the relationship, you started using drugs to be with him and became addicted yourself. Why I mention this is that I think for a long time you've had a great urge to be with a man and you want to make sure that it is for the right reasons------- healthy reasons. This is something for you to discuss with your therapist.
But all of this comes after you get through the immediate situation. I think that I'd have your parents or a parent over to watch your child and you deliver the news that he may not move back. It would be good to have someone there with you. I think he will be surprised. I also think that you need to be firm in your belief that this is the best decision you could be making at this time. It really is. But YOU have to believe it in order to follow through.
I wish you the best of luck and much happiness in the future!
I think you are a wise woman to realize that things are a little different now that you have two children which will complicate dating a bit. But that does not mean you will not meet someone special down the road. I wouldn't try to date right away as I think you still have some work to do to sort out how you got into this situation. You had stated in another posting that you started dating your now husband and found he was using drugs. Instead of just ending the relationship, you started using drugs to be with him and became addicted yourself. Why I mention this is that I think for a long time you've had a great urge to be with a man and you want to make sure that it is for the right reasons------- healthy reasons. This is something for you to discuss with your therapist.
But all of this comes after you get through the immediate situation. I think that I'd have your parents or a parent over to watch your child and you deliver the news that he may not move back. It would be good to have someone there with you. I think he will be surprised. I also think that you need to be firm in your belief that this is the best decision you could be making at this time. It really is. But YOU have to believe it in order to follow through.
I wish you the best of luck and much happiness in the future!
My mom says that is the last thing I should be concerned about too, but I can't help it, it's a legitimate concern. And I do feel very stupid for continuing to sleep with my husband while I suspected and after I found out about this other woman. In my head, I was thinking 1) he's my husband, I'm going to get it while I still can and 2) I'm going to try to show him what he's losing out on. The very strange thing about the first time after he told me about her - it hadn't been that way in years. It was very sweet and passionate and more like making love than having sex - but you're right, this is just confusing me.
I am going in for my ultrasound today to find out if baby #2 is a boy or a girl- and it just makes me sad that he won't be there. This would be so much easier to handle if I wasn't pregnant. Not that he was much help when I was pregnant with Jade, but there was a physical warm body there that sometimes said nice supporting things. This is a terrible time to feel alone. You feel ugly enough when you are pregnant, all fat and stuff, but now this? I guess I'm kind of afraid about the whole sex thing thinking I'm not attractive enough to get anyone else.
I am going in for my ultrasound today to find out if baby #2 is a boy or a girl- and it just makes me sad that he won't be there. This would be so much easier to handle if I wasn't pregnant. Not that he was much help when I was pregnant with Jade, but there was a physical warm body there that sometimes said nice supporting things. This is a terrible time to feel alone. You feel ugly enough when you are pregnant, all fat and stuff, but now this? I guess I'm kind of afraid about the whole sex thing thinking I'm not attractive enough to get anyone else.
Hi Kooberz,
It sounds like you're about to make a very brave decision - good on you, not everybody has the strength.
The sex thing is interesting though, because that's the last thing I'd be worrying about in your situation. Sex is all too easy, you can get that any time you like! And if you've been with this one man since you were 19, can you imagine how exciting it could be to get to know new partners? Obviously be safe and try not to let your kids know too much about it, but you could be in for more fun than you've had in years!
Longer-term, I know being single after so long will be scary, but really it sounds like you've been emotionally alone for a long time anyway. All you're doing now is making room for someone new to come into your life, which at the moment your husband is preventing - and it seems to be all he's good for! You're only 27; you've got years and years of fun ahead of you, and somewhere along the way you'll find a partner who'll look after you, treat you and your kids well, and make you very happy.
Don't, even for a second, feel like a failure; your husband has failed in this marriage, not you. Personally I think that allowing him to treat you like a doormat and letting your kids grow up in an unhappy and abusive household would be where failure lies.
One little word of caution; don't, PLEASE don't, get suckered into sleeping with your husband any more - it's all to easy to go back to a familiar partner you still have feelings for (we've all done it!), and before you know it you're right back where you started. I understand that he may want to see his kids, but I would DEFINITELY, at all costs, prevent him from coming into your house - and make sure you don't go into his either. If you need to at any point, make sure there's someone else there so things can't head that way.
Hope it all works out for you - all the best. :)
It sounds like you're about to make a very brave decision - good on you, not everybody has the strength.
The sex thing is interesting though, because that's the last thing I'd be worrying about in your situation. Sex is all too easy, you can get that any time you like! And if you've been with this one man since you were 19, can you imagine how exciting it could be to get to know new partners? Obviously be safe and try not to let your kids know too much about it, but you could be in for more fun than you've had in years!
Longer-term, I know being single after so long will be scary, but really it sounds like you've been emotionally alone for a long time anyway. All you're doing now is making room for someone new to come into your life, which at the moment your husband is preventing - and it seems to be all he's good for! You're only 27; you've got years and years of fun ahead of you, and somewhere along the way you'll find a partner who'll look after you, treat you and your kids well, and make you very happy.
Don't, even for a second, feel like a failure; your husband has failed in this marriage, not you. Personally I think that allowing him to treat you like a doormat and letting your kids grow up in an unhappy and abusive household would be where failure lies.
One little word of caution; don't, PLEASE don't, get suckered into sleeping with your husband any more - it's all to easy to go back to a familiar partner you still have feelings for (we've all done it!), and before you know it you're right back where you started. I understand that he may want to see his kids, but I would DEFINITELY, at all costs, prevent him from coming into your house - and make sure you don't go into his either. If you need to at any point, make sure there's someone else there so things can't head that way.
Hope it all works out for you - all the best. :)
Thank you so much, you have the best advice. You seem to understand the mind of an addict or someone that has similar problems. My therapist told me that his cheating is basically his addiction getting worse, maybe not by using drugs but he is not addressing his problems and he is willing to lose more and more important things. It hurts that he doesn't seem to realize how he is hurting me and our family. In his mind, he thinks he is not doing anything wrong and actually blames me for the situation. When we were lying in bed Saturday morning, he asked me "are you really trying to become a better wife? I'm going to hold you to that."
A better wife!!?? I have been there for him and supported him for 8 years, and he repays me by cheating on me while I am pregnant and he wants to know if I am going to be a better wife because, like I said, he's considering "moving back". At first I was happy that he wanted to move back but now that I know for sure he has another woman and I don't know for sure if he is truly done with her or how he really feels about her, I don't think I want him back. Now I just have to find the courage to tell him that it is over. I have had time to think about it, and even though I was pretty forgiving when he first told me what was going on, now that reality is setting in I just want to be free from all this and move on with my life.
Do you know what makes me disgusted with myself though? One of the main reasons I am having trouble letting go of him is that I don't want to be someone who is 45 and hasn't had sex since they were 27. That scares me. I'm not a sex fiend or anything but I do enjoy it and I really hope it is not that hard for me to find a nice guy for some comanionship. It would be even better if I could find someone that loves me and wants to be together with me for the rest of my life, but for the short term I just don't want to go years without sex. Meeting people is a scary concept for me considering I have been with this man since I was 19 years old. I hope it is not as hard as what I am thinking it's going to be.
A better wife!!?? I have been there for him and supported him for 8 years, and he repays me by cheating on me while I am pregnant and he wants to know if I am going to be a better wife because, like I said, he's considering "moving back". At first I was happy that he wanted to move back but now that I know for sure he has another woman and I don't know for sure if he is truly done with her or how he really feels about her, I don't think I want him back. Now I just have to find the courage to tell him that it is over. I have had time to think about it, and even though I was pretty forgiving when he first told me what was going on, now that reality is setting in I just want to be free from all this and move on with my life.
Do you know what makes me disgusted with myself though? One of the main reasons I am having trouble letting go of him is that I don't want to be someone who is 45 and hasn't had sex since they were 27. That scares me. I'm not a sex fiend or anything but I do enjoy it and I really hope it is not that hard for me to find a nice guy for some comanionship. It would be even better if I could find someone that loves me and wants to be together with me for the rest of my life, but for the short term I just don't want to go years without sex. Meeting people is a scary concept for me considering I have been with this man since I was 19 years old. I hope it is not as hard as what I am thinking it's going to be.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm so sorry. You have to remember that he is not healthy. He can't see this situation for what it is because he is unhealthy.
What I am happy to say is that by your ability to start to question things and yourself is that it shows you are starting to get healthy in your thinking. You aren't there yet and that is why I ask you to continue therapy-------- but you are on your way.
It does hurt. You are having to look at your life now and it probably makes you wonder how you got to this place. But it is not too late. You aren't a failure for walking away---------- you would be a strong woman that wants a better life for yourself and your kids. You'd be a success for doing that!!
I'm not calling your husband a loser. He is terribly sick though. And you don't have time to wait for him to realize that and try to get better. You need to move on and start a life in which you can find healthy happiness. You do deserve someone better. Someone that is a true partner and available for a real relationship. He's just not. He's sick. You need to protect yourself and your children. You'll find love and happiness again but make sure you address the pattern of thinking you have as this vicious cycle often repeats. I wish you the very best of luck.
What I am happy to say is that by your ability to start to question things and yourself is that it shows you are starting to get healthy in your thinking. You aren't there yet and that is why I ask you to continue therapy-------- but you are on your way.
It does hurt. You are having to look at your life now and it probably makes you wonder how you got to this place. But it is not too late. You aren't a failure for walking away---------- you would be a strong woman that wants a better life for yourself and your kids. You'd be a success for doing that!!
I'm not calling your husband a loser. He is terribly sick though. And you don't have time to wait for him to realize that and try to get better. You need to move on and start a life in which you can find healthy happiness. You do deserve someone better. Someone that is a true partner and available for a real relationship. He's just not. He's sick. You need to protect yourself and your children. You'll find love and happiness again but make sure you address the pattern of thinking you have as this vicious cycle often repeats. I wish you the very best of luck.
Thanks for the words, even the harsh ones. I knew pretty much all of this and that I am being a doormat and I have no idea why I am clinging to someone who, for lack of a better word, is a loser. A loser that doesn't even want to be with me. It just makes me so angry that he doesn't realize that I am by far the best thing that has ever happened to him in his life. He only focuses on the negative, and the most frustrating thing (well, not the most frustrating) is that this is a fairly new development. He used to say all the time how lucky he was to have me, he didn't deserve me, bla bla bla. Now suddenly I am a terrible wife who drove him to cheat. It is like the perfectionist OCD personality in me that feels like once I give up on this marriage, I have lost. Once my marriage is over it's like that makes me a failure or something. I know that is a stupid way to feel but that is the best way I have to explain why I keep trying at this point. And I just want him to admit to me that he was lucky I even gave him the light of day, much less 8 years of being a good wife and 2 children. And a part of me wants him to think everything is OK between us and then find a way to totally CRUSH his heart like he has mine. But I know that's not right and the healthiest thing would be to just get out of the relationship. I just don't know when I became the only one to care about the relationship and that hurts.
Hi there,
Wow, what an awful situation to find yourself in, I feel terrible for you. You're absolutely right to be angry; he's behaved terribly and seems to be trying to blame you for it. I'd say he knows perfectly well he's an arse (sorry, only word for it) and he's trying to make it your fault so he doesn't have to face up to what as mess he's made of things.
Reading between the lines, I'd say that he left you to try and have a legitimate, full-time relationship with this Abbey and found out quite quickly that things with her weren't as perfect as he was expecting; that he couldn't just start over with her and pretend his former life hadn't happened. Whether she actually turned out to be "crazy" is anyone's guess, but he may be telling the truth when he says she's made him appreciate you more ... although I wouldn't take that to be a good thing. Quite possibly what he missed was a comfortable home, someone who knows what he likes, and the comfort of familiarity - all of which his relationship with you provides.
The important thing to remember here is that you can't control his actions. This may seem obvious, but people cause themselves so much pain hoping their partner will change because ultimately it's outside of their control - so they end up in an endless cycle of hope, disappointment and fear. What you can control is your actions, and through them the impact of this whole situation on your children. As harsh as it sounds, that needs to be what you focus on now because that's what you can do something about.
What you need to work out is whether you will ever be happy with him again. This isn't the same thing as "will he cheat again", because what you have to keep in mind is that - even if he never strayed again - you could spend the rest of your life paranoid every time he pops to the pub. That's no way to live. You also need to consider the effect on your children; growing up watching their father cheat is obviously detrimental, but watching their mother act like a doormat because she's so desperate to hang onto their father could be just as damaging. The fact that your husband has been in rehab is also a mark against him; again it sounds harsh, but that's just another thing you don't want your kids exposed to on top of everything else.
My own opinion is that you should get rid of him; I know you love him and feel protective of him, but it's time to do what's best for yourself and your kids. At this stage it's quite plain that he's not considering any of you in his actions. If he makes the changes he needs to and works really hard to prove that he's got his priorities straight over the next couple of years, fair enough - but I would make him work damn hard to earn his place in the family again. At present it doesn't seem he's worth the misery, and I hardly need to point out that if a cheat gets away with it too easily there's nothing to deter them from doing it again.
I've sounded quite harsh here, and I apologise if it upsets you; but my feeling is that he's forfeited his claim to your sympathy and consideration, and that you need to focus on yourself and the kids. Let us know how things are going anyway - we're all thinking of you.xxx
Wow, what an awful situation to find yourself in, I feel terrible for you. You're absolutely right to be angry; he's behaved terribly and seems to be trying to blame you for it. I'd say he knows perfectly well he's an arse (sorry, only word for it) and he's trying to make it your fault so he doesn't have to face up to what as mess he's made of things.
Reading between the lines, I'd say that he left you to try and have a legitimate, full-time relationship with this Abbey and found out quite quickly that things with her weren't as perfect as he was expecting; that he couldn't just start over with her and pretend his former life hadn't happened. Whether she actually turned out to be "crazy" is anyone's guess, but he may be telling the truth when he says she's made him appreciate you more ... although I wouldn't take that to be a good thing. Quite possibly what he missed was a comfortable home, someone who knows what he likes, and the comfort of familiarity - all of which his relationship with you provides.
The important thing to remember here is that you can't control his actions. This may seem obvious, but people cause themselves so much pain hoping their partner will change because ultimately it's outside of their control - so they end up in an endless cycle of hope, disappointment and fear. What you can control is your actions, and through them the impact of this whole situation on your children. As harsh as it sounds, that needs to be what you focus on now because that's what you can do something about.
What you need to work out is whether you will ever be happy with him again. This isn't the same thing as "will he cheat again", because what you have to keep in mind is that - even if he never strayed again - you could spend the rest of your life paranoid every time he pops to the pub. That's no way to live. You also need to consider the effect on your children; growing up watching their father cheat is obviously detrimental, but watching their mother act like a doormat because she's so desperate to hang onto their father could be just as damaging. The fact that your husband has been in rehab is also a mark against him; again it sounds harsh, but that's just another thing you don't want your kids exposed to on top of everything else.
My own opinion is that you should get rid of him; I know you love him and feel protective of him, but it's time to do what's best for yourself and your kids. At this stage it's quite plain that he's not considering any of you in his actions. If he makes the changes he needs to and works really hard to prove that he's got his priorities straight over the next couple of years, fair enough - but I would make him work damn hard to earn his place in the family again. At present it doesn't seem he's worth the misery, and I hardly need to point out that if a cheat gets away with it too easily there's nothing to deter them from doing it again.
I've sounded quite harsh here, and I apologise if it upsets you; but my feeling is that he's forfeited his claim to your sympathy and consideration, and that you need to focus on yourself and the kids. Let us know how things are going anyway - we're all thinking of you.xxx
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay. First, he didn't have sex with her in rehab because he would have been kicked out as it is distinctly forbidden. Why? It is part of an addictive personality to self medicate--------- sex and that rush of new love is self medicating and is of great interference to the work that is suppose to be goin on. It is dangerous to sobriety and tells me that your husband did not take rehab seriously at all. He "distracted" himself. He may not have had sex with her but he flirted and struck up a relationship.
You need to hear what I am saying here. He's cheating and using. If he has not admitted to using, well----------- you know he is.
You are trapped in your old life of codependency. You are willing to take him back in an almost desperate fashion. From your other post, you said he did not contribute anything financially and hasn't for years. You said he was not around so this "back to you period" is just since this weekend (like 4 days ago) but before that he was gone. He no longer lives with you during the week and is at his parents. He is using drugs again. He's been sleeping with someone else.
What does this man offer you? Nothing but heartache and a sincere threat to your own sobriety. Please-------- call your sponsor and make an appt with your therapist. You need to figure out why you are willing to overlook these things and desire to be with him so much. I know he is the father of your children but this is much more than that. I believe this is a very unhealthy pattern that is in existence for you and you have not yet become aware of it. Now kids are in the picture. You have to become aware of it.
You seem like a nice person and I say things in a direct fashion to try and help you. You need to ask your husband to leave and enter therapy and possibly rehab again. He's not yet taken his recovery seriously and is still making very bad choices. Until he solves his own issues------- he can't be there for you. He has to want to solve his own issues. One way to make him want that more is to be strong enough to say------- get out until you do. And then don't let him back unless he does. good luck
You need to hear what I am saying here. He's cheating and using. If he has not admitted to using, well----------- you know he is.
You are trapped in your old life of codependency. You are willing to take him back in an almost desperate fashion. From your other post, you said he did not contribute anything financially and hasn't for years. You said he was not around so this "back to you period" is just since this weekend (like 4 days ago) but before that he was gone. He no longer lives with you during the week and is at his parents. He is using drugs again. He's been sleeping with someone else.
What does this man offer you? Nothing but heartache and a sincere threat to your own sobriety. Please-------- call your sponsor and make an appt with your therapist. You need to figure out why you are willing to overlook these things and desire to be with him so much. I know he is the father of your children but this is much more than that. I believe this is a very unhealthy pattern that is in existence for you and you have not yet become aware of it. Now kids are in the picture. You have to become aware of it.
You seem like a nice person and I say things in a direct fashion to try and help you. You need to ask your husband to leave and enter therapy and possibly rehab again. He's not yet taken his recovery seriously and is still making very bad choices. Until he solves his own issues------- he can't be there for you. He has to want to solve his own issues. One way to make him want that more is to be strong enough to say------- get out until you do. And then don't let him back unless he does. good luck
It sounds to me as if your husband isn't sorry for what he has done and is "justifying" his actions to make himself feel better. That is not a good sign! Your husband is in the wrong, and I agree, he needs to man up and take responsibility. If he isn't willing to do this, there is going to more problems later down the line.
Well my fiance had a long term affair and when I found out, I got the groveling and the I will go to therapy and I will do whatever it takes, it's not you, I was the one who messed up. Now I have a friend who found out her husband had an affair and he did just what your husband has done. Said that she was being a b!tch and their relationship was so bad that in essence she drove him to cheat. That he's been fighting the feeling for a long time but he just couldn't anymore. They tried to reconcile a few times but it always ended up in the same place. She just couldn't find it in her to fully make it work when there was no remorse, no regret. The fact that your husband doesn't feel any of these things makes me really question whether or not he truly is ready to commit himself to you. Your husband has a lot of issues besides this, he is a recovering addict. It's very easy to play the blame game in all aspects. It also seems as though he's decided to be with you because it just didn't work out with her and you don't need to be his second choice. Maybe he did realize you were what he wants but I don't sense that he is sincere about wanting to fix things. He wants it to be easy, ok, it's out in the open, now forgive, forget and move on. As if it's that simple. You are allowed to be upset, you are allowed to be angry and hurt. He betrayed you, he lied to you and he doesn't seem the least bit sorry. My fiance was crying and begging for forgiveness and I feel you would work things through if you were able to get some of that kind of responses.
I just feel like your marriage has taken so many hits....are you sure you want to continue down this path? You seem to be the only one fighting for the marriage. If I were you, I would focus on getting therapy for yourself and perhaps at some point your feelings will change. I'm so sorry, I know how badly infidelity hurts. It rips you to the core.
I just feel like your marriage has taken so many hits....are you sure you want to continue down this path? You seem to be the only one fighting for the marriage. If I were you, I would focus on getting therapy for yourself and perhaps at some point your feelings will change. I'm so sorry, I know how badly infidelity hurts. It rips you to the core.
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I'm going to repeat this because I am scared for you. I still hear the thinking that has gotten you this far in a dysfunctional situation. His cheating is not the problem. His drug use is. His cheating is just part of that problem. I do not negate the cheating as a terrible act on your husband's part---------- but he is an addict. Pure and simple and he is not anywhere near recovering from this.
What concerns me is that his cheating has left you feeling not good enough . . . verses the truth. He is NOT good enough for you. He is not good enough for you. He is not good enough for you. I said it three times and you need to say it three million more to yourself.
Would you want your daughter with a man like this? A man that has been addicted to IV drugs and whatever else he can get his hands on for the past 8 (and I'm sure more than that) years? A man that will always put drugs before your daughter. A man that slept with another woman? A man that does nothing to support her? A man that doesn't care about the children he made for her based on his lack of desire to get clean, stay with their mom, help out, make any meaninful change to his own actions? You would not want that for anyone you love and you should love yourself enough to not want that for you.
But I hear the doubt in the way you write. I hear the cloudy thinking. You must work on this. You just have to. Read self help books. Suround yourself with healty people. Join a mom's group-------- single mom's. Stop this pattern of thinking so that you can be strong.
Again, I'm not calling him a loser. He is sick. But he is the kind of sick that you can not live with.
The only way you should ever have a relationship with this man is if he is clean and sober and can take a test to prove it. Otherwise, he is not safe for you or the kids.
I think you really are on the right track. The inner voice is screaming out to you------ you are starting to listen. I can tell because the old you would have taken him back the second he wanted to come back. You've already done a lot of hard work--------- I'm really proud of you for that. Stay strong and centered and listen to that inner voice! Good luck