Hi, new here. Sorry if this is long, but I really need advice.Please don't judge- I have enough guilt on my own!
I started my relationship with my boyfriend 5 years ago, while I was married to someone else. I left my ex-husband after one month into the affair to be with my BF (who promised marriage & of course was the "perfect" guy- something my ex was not). We moved in together immediately, and have been living together ever since. In 2009, BF paid for me to have tubiligation reversed so we could have children (my oldest are now 17 & 14)- again, promising marriage. Now, 4 years later and 2 precious babies, we are still not married! He never says "I love you" unless I practically beg him to. He is so hurtful- every time we argue, he calls me a worthless *****, he has hit me twice (breaking my left hand ring finger) and pulled me through the kitchen by my hair! About every other month, he kicks me and the kids out - we live in his house- but after a few hours (sometimes over night) he expects me home and acts like nothing ever happened. I have hurt so many people with this relationship- I am practically alienated from my family because of it (he is not welcome to come around my family at all). Of course, I can't even consider going back to church. I am an emotional basketcase! I have almost turned off my emotions because it hurts so to feel anything at all.
Yesterday was a very long stressful day- While BF just sat there,I had to do everything from bathing the babies to putting both in the car to chasing them around by myself all day ( attending to both babies every need)- I drove 2 hours (while BF rode in passenger seat) to go out to eat for his mom's bday, afterwards, while visiting with my family for Easter, my brother made some very hurtful remarks about my illegitimate babies. To make things worse, last night, exhausted, I forgot to bring the laptop to him in bed. He got mad and talked some junk to me, so when I got up, I said that it was fine, since I do everything else anyway. I brought him the laptop and his cup of milk (that I always bring him at bedtime) and he said he didn't "want it anywhere near him and as a matter of fact, he didn't want me anywhere near him either, but it is what it is" and that he'll have to suffer with putting up with me because of the boys!
I feel like such a loser and I know if I leave and admit my mistake, I will never live it down and have to listen to "i told you so" til the day I die! He has serious emotional issues and blames most of his actions on his medicine!
I am so lost on what to do! Please, any advice would help so much!
Hi and welcome. We all make mistakes and you are making another one by staying with him. No one has the right to put a hand on you never mind breaking your fingers and draging you around the house by your hair. What ever hardship that comes from leaving, like a financial problem, will be the price for your past decision. You are being to passive about this and need to stand up and be as strong as he is. He would not be hitting you if you know karate, he is hiting you because he is a bully.
It is urgent that you get the police involved for domestic battery and start documenting these beatings. Its really the only option. Get a restraining order and get the court to order child support. I think your under estimating his capaciy for violence and could really hurt you bad some day. Dont take this lying down but stand up and defend yourself.
I agree that you need to leave. Not just for your own well being but for that of your children. It's not acceptable for you to stay in a situation where you knowingly and willingly subject your children to violence on an ongoing daily basis. Even if you don't care about what happens to yourself in this situation, you still need to care and do what's best for those kids who are innocent victims in all this. They didn't ask to be brought into this situation. You voluntarily moved into it. Please don't make those poor kids pay for your mistakes.
It has been my experience that children whose mothers don't take the necessary steps to protect them and get them out of abusive situations end up resenting their mothers for not trying harder to get them out of there. You're the adult so it's your responsibility. You should pack it all up and leave immediately before this escalates and you end up either in the hospital or dead. Then where would that leave your kids? With him? What a nightmare that would be for them! Don't let that happen.
I think that I really just needed the affirmation to leave. I know that it's the right thing to do- it's just hard. I will be strong and leave him- for myself and for my kids! They deserve to see their mother treated with respect and love, not being controlled and abused. Thank you so much!
I couldn't agree more with the above. This man is abusive, and probably dangerous. You're not a partner, you're a slave. There is not ONE thing you wrote that says "love".
Do NOT stay because it's HIS house...that's not a good reason. Whatever you have to do to get out of an abusive situation (especially when kids are involved)...you do....and ASAP.
Do NOT listen to anymore promises. You can predict how a person will act in the future by looking at their past. This mans' promises means NOTHING. He hasn't kept ONE of them he made to you. Anymore promises are not to be taken seriously. This is honestly a no-brainer...there's no "gray area" here at all.
Please, leave him. Your children depend on YOU to keep them in a safe and nurturing environment. Very best to you.
you should never have to feel that you beg for the love of your companion. ever! NEVER stay in a unhealthy relationship for the sake of the children, i cant think of any reason to make that okay. in fact it'll actually do more harm down the line. remember-your kids are watching you. what does staying in an abusive and or loveless relationship teach them. if you want your children to love, respect and value themselves in their lives you must set the example yourself. set the bar high, value yourself more than anyone else ever could and remember your kids will be a product of their environment. as a mother its your job to make that a positive place for your children to grow and be healthy. dont STAY for the kids...Leave for the kids! (of course take them with you)
This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information.
The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. Med Help International, Inc. is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Never disregard the medical advice of your physician or health professional, or delay in seeking such advice, because of something you read on this Site. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. By using this Site you agree to the following Terms and Conditions. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your physician or 911 immediately.