Need advise please

[Confused-one]

Thank you in advance for reading this & for any help you can offer. My husband & I are both under the age of 25 & have been married just under 5 years, we have a young son & I need advise on what to do because I am so miserable & I don't know how to fix things. We have started fighting more which I hate & it's not good for my son to see but my husband doesn't seem to care. I have tried suggesting marriage counceling a few times over the last few months but he refuses to even consider going. I don't believe in staying together just for "the children" but I also want to exaust every avenue before I consider divorce but I feel as if I'm reaching that point so I'm hoping there are some people out there with way more experience that can give me some advice, please. Anything you have I appreciate. Thanks again

[bip]

I usually dont tell people to get a divorce my advise if your marriage dont work out. Do the best for you and your child. We all have our ups and downs but if he acts like he doesnt care then I wouldnt be with him either.  I been married 10 years and my husband and I had our ups and downs but recently it was a computer issue always playing games affecting my boyz and I.   I told him Im thinking of leaving him I had enough he woke up and hes doing much better now. Hasnt been too long but Im hoping for our marriage he will stick what he is doing now.

BEST OF LUCK.......You will do the best for you and your child..

[misscloey]

Hi.
I am sorry to hear that you are leaving. But, you sound like a pretty level headed woman who has tried to find a way to make this work out. I understand that it takes two for this to happen and if he is not willing to make it work too, then I am afaid that your leaving is probably best. but... let me tell you that you are not a failure, or unattractive, or anything else except a VERY STRONG woman who wants what is best for her family. Please don't be so hard on yourself, this is NOT your fault. He obviously has some serious issues he needs to work on, none of which are your fault. So, you will probably be depressed a bit for a while and probably sad also, but maybe he will come to his senses and maybe he wont. Either way, your life will get better. This situation you are in now is not healthy or productive for you or your son.
I know how you are feeling about "not caring" about if you "get anything" or not, but please think a little farther down the road on this one. Once you are not so upset, you will wonder why you let him have everything. I am certainly not saying to take him for everything he's got, but you ARE entitled to have what you need to provide for your son. Living with your parents will be a big adjustment for you, and soon you will want to leave and have your own place. Please get what is rightfully yours for your sons sake if nothing else. Keep your head up and stay strong. YOU CAN DO THIS. And, you will get through it. I promise that if you ask God for help and guidance you will find your way. Good Luck.  

[Confused-one]

Yes we have both told him often no matter what and no matter where we all live we will always love him. Unfortunatly as much as I'm trying to protect my son it's not working as well as I would like, he is too smart in my opinion. He is very protective of me and has said somethings that are hearbreaking about this he does know that him and mommy are moving in with nana and papa for a little while so mommy and daddy can figure things out but more lately I have to correct him because he refers to my husband by his first name ~he knows our names etc in case he gets lost~. As for money etc I don't really care that much at this point, he keeps indicating I would be a b**ch and "take him for all he has" so as far as I'm concerned he can have it all. Thank you all I appreciate you listening and trying to help me

[slow_healer]

Confused-one, don't take this too hard or the wrong way, but it sounds like your husband just hasn't grown up yet. He's been wanting to leave you, and all the fighting has been creating the excuse he's needed to do it. By picking fights and refusing to compromise, he's made you look like an unstable, unattractive b**ch so that he can justify finding somebody else. You are NOT unattractive - he's been slowly creating that attitude and belief so that even you will start to believe it, and make him leaving you even easier. Just my guess.

Do not downplay how hurt you feel - not even for a minute. Emotional cheating can be worse than sexual cheating. He's leading you on by saying he thinks he might "figure out how much he loves you" once you're gone. He's stringing you along, because HE is not even sure of what he's doing. He'll pursue this other woman, and if it doesn't work out, he wants the option of coming back to you.

Have you talked to your son about what's going on? Does your son understand that in spite of the fighting, you both still love him and will still take care of him? Make sure that your son can respect your decision (as much as a child really can). Ask him if he understands how much his daddy is hurting both him and his mommy - that's why it will be better for you both to live separately from daddy. I'm just worried about how much emotional baggage your son is taking away from this.

Finally, take some time off. Now that you are with people who love and support you, give yourself the time to breathe. You have just come out of a long torturous trial and your need to recover. Think of it like an injury. If you broke your leg, wouldn't you stay in bed for a while, until you could safely move around again? If you broke your heart, wouldn't you also give it time to heal?

I hope this advice is appropriate (it's always hard to tell on these forums, since I can only read your half of the story). I really suspect that your husband has problems that YOU can NOT fix for him. He has to want to do it for himself. Don't let him make you do that work for him. You'll end up throwing away these prime years of your life.

And as far as leaving him goes, talk to a lawyer RIGHT AWAY and get sound legal advice. Don't let your emotional state allow him to milk your mutual assets away from you (like a house, car, savings, etc.). Find out what your rights are and take your time in deciding what to do. Do NOT rush into any financial decisions, especially while you have your family to back you up. Good luck!

[Confused-one]

Thank you I am just so lost & over welmed with emotions I'm a wreck. He won't have anything to do with a counselor, church, God or anything else. He says by not having me around maybe he can figure out why he fell inlove with me in the first place 'cause right now he doesn't know. I'm moving me & my son in with my parents today. I just feel like a peice of **** & I want to cry all the time but I do my best to smile & act ok for my son.

[misscloey]

Hi. I am sorry for all that you are going through. I can tell you that marriage can be very difficult at times. When they say "for better or worse" it is no joke! I have been married now for 15 years. Not all of our marriage has been peachy, although we have never stopped loving and respecting each other. ALOT of people tell us all the time that they cannot believe that we have survived some of the things that we have, in fact every other married couple that we have known (besides our parents) are now divorced. We have been through being addicted to methamphetamine, losing our home and all belongings, living with friends and family with a son and NEW baby. We have moved 17 times in the 15 years we have been married. 4 of those moves were state to state moves. I gave up all my friends and family to move to Texas(my husbands hometown) for HIM to escape the meth addiction.
For the first six years of our married life I basically supported our family while my husband screwed off jumping from job to job. It was a complete mess.Sometimes you just have to find a way to make things work. It sounds like he needs to find some inner peace. He sounds very frustrated and angry. I am sure it is trying with his Mom living there. Maybe like someone else suggested, you should try going out alone and talking about things in a different environment.
If you can work through these issues, there is a brighter future for your family. I promise as for me and my family...
We have NEVER been happier, we worked through our issues and kept our love and relationship and family values our TOP priority. We could have easily given up and found ourselves going our separate ways..
Sometimes, being at the very bottom is the best thing in the world for you. It will truly teach you what you are really made of. For free counseling, why don't you find God and pray together. I know alot of people on this forum will laugh at this, but I can tell you that a family strong in faith and a family that prays together stays together! I am not overly religious, but I can tell you that God can help you through this if you just ask!

Best of luck to you, please let me know if I can help.    

[ksanden]

fighting is a big issue with it is around your kids, if your hubby doesnt respect your children is in the room you should try to get them into a different room so they dont hear my four yr old has seen many of them and im not happy about that she even cryed once thinking he was going to leave. it is really hard as a parent to protect your children even when your the one yelling sometimes you cant help it.  
do you love your husband? or have you fallin out of it. is it just the fighting that is causeing the problems. is it about everything and anything. do you think there may be someone else in his life. and if you are staying with him because of the kids, get out now its not worth it. not worth the hurt and the pain you kids need better from you as a parent. i got pregant young i was 16 when i had my daughter and 22 when i had my son. my kids have different dads. but my bf plays dad to my daugher and is my sons daddy.

i dont beleive that you are to young to be married but im not married so i cant really give advice on that id like to get married but havent yet. i gotta attend to the kids, be back later
ksanden

[mayflowers]

Honey, you're marriage is over.  It is.  I can see it in your writing.  You two married very young and while that can work for some people, it doesn't work for most people b/c people change and grow in different directions in their early 20's.  Regardless of whether or not your husband has been talking to this woman, the marriage is still over.  This woman or some other woman, it doesn't matter.  In fact, look at it as good thing b/c now you can leave this marriage and not feel bad abt it.  Let this other woman have him....you need to move out and move on with your life.  

I know it hurts and feels awful but believe me you will feel better eventually.  There is nothing wrong with you or your looks.  I'm sure you're great in many ways.  You just need a man who will think you are wonderful and love you for you.  This man  that you are with now is not the one for you.

I would love to see some other posters give their thoughts abt this too.  Can you start a new question?   and hopefully Rockrose or April or Bip or Slow_healer, etc. will chime in.  Come on ladies!!!!  I know you all got some good advice for confuses_one.

[Confused-one]

I suspected but have enough to really say anything but found out there has been another woman he's been talking too. At least twice a day every day even weekends which to me explains why he stopped talking to me. He says he did nothing wrong because she's "just a friend" & she's in another state but she is also going through a divorce & I don't think seeing as how we were SUPPOSED to be trying to work on our marriage that he should have been talking to some other woman that often especially when he was going out of his way to avoid me. I hurt so bad. I just don't understand. I'm 24 the mother of our child, I'm not fat or extreamly unatractive, I have tried so hard to do what I thought I was supposed to do. She is 40 & he has never even met her this is just all over the phone but he says he doesn't even want to try to work on things & he doesn't think its because of her but he's not sure. I know this may sound stupid but I feel as though it would be easier to have delt with a one night stand at least it someone esle wouldn't have had his time & emotions & feelings that were supposed to be his families. How do you get over the pain? I've been cheated on but it truly didn't hurt like this does. If you have anything I'd appreciate it.

[Confused-one]

You are very helpful :) I do try to be careful around my son because it is very important to me that they have a good relationship ~I didn't have a great one w/my dad & neither did my husband w/his~ I have gotten stronger than I was when I got out of the phisically abusive relationship but I really am not good at standing up to him for myself. He gets upset as it is because I will defend my son ~not usually infront of my son unless my husband was waay out of line~ & even though it's privatly he still doesn't like it so rarely do I defend myself it's easier to just let it go. I have tried to tell him I do think it's better if we part way while we can be amlicable instead of waiting until we are so angry with each other that we can hardly stand each other & he does agree but yes he is in denial. Also thank you for your kind words I have come to realize I do know it's not all my fault just as it's not his fault, we share the blame lol I'll even accept more of it I'm ok with that :) but I still feel like there's more that I should have been able to do somehow. Unfortunatly we grew apart instead of together. Thank you for listening to me, I don't have many friends so I appreciate this more than you know

[mayflowers]

He is  probably is in denial and doesn't want to admit that this is really happening.  Since you're the one who seems to know it's really over and  you're also ready for it to be over, he could be feeling rejected.   Men have a hard time with rejection, I believe more so than women b/c women can draw support from their friends who assure them they are good, worthy ppl w/o that relationship.  Most guys don't have this type of support so when a woman breaks up with them, they have no one to talk abt it with.  Don't know if that's the case with your husband or not.  

I know it feels like it will always be this way, but as you get further away from the relationship, and start moving on, you'll feel better.    Try to figure out what attracted you to him in the first place and then why you stayed once he got emotionally abusive.  Not to beat yourself up just to make sure you can prevent it from happening again.  I believe that all relationships are learning experiences.  You know, they say we keep choosing the same guy over and over again.  I know I did until I realized that the type of guy I was attracted to wasn't working for me.  But I wasted years with the wrong ppl (they weren't ALL bad ppl just not  right for me) and I hope you don't do the same as me.  When I finally figured it out, it was too late to have a child which is something I will always, always regret.  

One good silver lining is your son!  At least you have him.  Make sure your son has a good relationship with his dad and never speak bad abt him unless he gets abusive with your son, b/c then you need to protect your son.  If he has a good relationship with your son, it will be good for you too b/c at least you'll know he is with someone who loves him and you'll get a little break for some time to yourself.

Keep the lines of communication open with your husband by being friendly but don't let him abuse you verbally.  You don't have to put with up with that **** from anyone.  If he starts being abusive, just tell him that you will only talk to him if he acts like an adult and not like an idiot.  Call him out on it.  I find when I call ppl out on their bad behaviors they are shocked first b/c I called them on it and secondly b/c now they know I know their stupid game and can't be played by them.  Abusive ppl are really bullies anyway.  And bullies are insecure with themselves which is why they have to abuse ppl.  It's a circle.  I really mean this when I say this, but I hope your husband gets help b/c he can't be happy with himself when he acts likes that.

Well, I hope I've something here that makes some sense.  Hang in there confused-one, it will get better :D

[Confused-one]

No actually I have already decided I would rather be alone than with my husband & I don't want my son to have a lot of different men in & out of his life I just don't feel that would be right. You are right though, no one is happy right now but I am still trying to be positive about things anyway, my sil calls me her silver lining girl lol she says I can find the good in anything or anybody. We have actually started fighting less but thats because we hardly talk to each other any more. last weekend my husband said its like we're people leading seperate lives that just happen to live together. Honestly, yes he is actually emotionally abusive thats why I can't take it anymore, if it had gone to physical I would have left right away as I have been there before but I figured I could handle this & he had promised a couple years ago things would get better & they did for a while but now they're worse & even his mom hates living w/ him but she doesn't have a choice. We are in agreement that we will not fight over our son or money, the only problem is he seems to be somewhst still in denial about how far apart we have grown. He sees it but he won't admit it. *sigh* This is so hard. Again thank you so much for listening & helping me

[mayflowers]

Well, you're not a failure!  Almost everyone I know has been divorced and most have children.  It's just going take some time for you to process everything so give yourself time to cry and have a pity party.  Just don't rush into another relationship or start dating up a storm.  That can just lead to other mistakes that you'll have to get over at some point.  Those are called "rebound relationships" and they can be costly both emotionally and physically so beware of ppl that tell you you need start dating again to forget your troubles.  It won't work in the long term.  Some ppl I found were uncomfortable around ppl who were 1) single and 2) happily single.  Either they don't get that ppl can be single, happy and fulfilled or they are miserable and want some company.

I recommend just being honest with your husband,  tell him that you've both tried to make it work & yet all you do is fight & that isn't any way to live.  Chose a time and place where you both can just be alone and talk this through with no interruptions. You're unhappy and your husband probably isn't too happy either.  Fighting and being angry & dissatisfied isn't a good example for your son.   Believe me, he can sense it, even if he doesn't really understand what is going on.

Most atty's have a free consultation, so visit a few atty's and find one who you like.  If the divorce is amicable, maybe you & your husband can use the same atty.  I've heard of divorce mediators for ppl that have kids so that may be an option.  It doesn't have to be a drawn out, financial ruin.  It's only that way if one partner disputes the divorce.  Remember, if either of you doing you're just making the atty's rich, it won't help either of you in the long run if you become bitter and fight over every little thing.  

Don't dispair, it will be ok.  Who knows, maybe getting to this point will make you and your husband work things out.  And I have heard of ppl w/kids actually becoming better friends after a divorce so either way, you'll come out a winner.  I wish you well with it all.  One more thing, some churches have a "Divorce Care" group.  You might want to look into those just be careful of ppl who are bitter and talk all negative abt their ex's.  If I can give you one piece of advice, stay far away from those negative ppl.  Unless your ex is a serial killer or physically/emotionally abusive, you need to see him as a guy who is just trying to get through life just like you.  Have some compassion.   Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.  Blessings.....Mayflowers.

[Confused-one]

Since you were the only one who responded :) I guess this is to you. I absolutly hate to say this & I feel like a failure but do you have any advise now on how to leave him? I know that sounds stupid but as a female I hope you can understand what I'm asking. I truly never thought I'd be @ this point in my life & I don't know what to do or where to go, the only thing I know is I will not involve lawyers & have a long drawn out bad divorce that hurts my son even more than this will already hurt him, I don't know how people can do that to their kids but I won't. It certainly isn't his fault that my husband & I couldn't figure things out. So you have any suggestions or help you can offer I would appreciate it. You're prayer's are appreciated also, thank you

[mayflowers]

I thought I would tell you about a book that I keep hearing of called The Five Love Languages by Gary Smalley.  Now, I haven't read it myself but some of my friends have read it and said it really helped them figure out some stuff.  I would recommend getting it from the library first and then if you like it, buy it.   I'm thinking and praying for you....hope all is well!

[Confused-one]

Thank you for your kindness & help! lol I know exactly what you mean when you say about him always being "ready" too, I soo do not understqand that mentality but then what do I know lol. I agree I will try seeing or tlking to someone on my own ~without meds!~ even just to vent & have an outlet for my feelings. I will try talking to him somemore but you are right, they seem very thick sometimes. I do love him & I know he loves me we just don't seem to have that...connection I guess is the best word to use. Your idea is good for us to try to find us time but it is hard lol I'm sure you can imagine. Thank you again for all your help and for listening to me esp. when you don't even know me (((hug))) you really have helped me feel better.

[mayflowers]

No, it's not TMI.  You should read some of the stuff on the STD forum!!  Open your eyes over there!!!!!  For women, sex is in the head.  Men (most anyway) can have sex no matter what is going on in the relationship.  You are having trouble connecting with him right now on an emotional level so physically, it's not even there anymore.  Once you get back on track emotionally, you'll feel more sexual towards him.  I've been there, so I know what it's like.   It was terrible because he would be all happy and excited and I was like, just get it over with already so I can go to sleep. That happens even in great marriages so it's definitely not uncommon or anything.  

Really work on trying to just spend time together in a non-sexual way so that you can reconnect again.  Tell him that his anger is making you want to withdrawal from him.  If he really cares, and I think he does, he will want to work on his attitude.  The point is that you have to tell him.  Men are kind of thick when it comes to emotions and what's going in a relationship.  They aren't that deep.  (Of course, this is the kind of man I'm used to but I think there other types - who are deeper and more in touch - but I just never had a relationship with someone like that.)  

It really seems like your issues are communiation and that's what you both have to work on.  Tell him how you are feeling in a non-confrontational way.  Say things like "I feel"  not "You make me feel".  You have nothing to lose by telling him how you really feel about stuff.  If the marriage is meant for the long haul, he will listen.  If it isn't, well at least you know you tried your best to be above board and honest.  Try it.

[Confused-one]

Thank you very much for your help, I had hoped also for more people but even you have helped just to know that there's still more I can try, we have had our ups and downs before but nothing like this nad like I said we have been married almost 5 years. I do have another question if it's not too personal, if it is I understand if you don't answer. How do I get interested in him again? I am to the point over the last couple of months that I hardly want want to touch him much less anything else. I still have sex with him ~sorry if too much info~ and I don't let him know but I just want it to be over with asap, which is sad, I don't like feeling like this. Thanks to any help you have

[mayflowers]

I'm sorry I mis-read part of your post.  I thought it said that your husband wasn't working but you just said "he is an "angry" person but trys to direct elsewhere ~it's just not working currently~,".   That's good that you are both working and comfortable.  You know, marriage is hard.  It's not all roses and hot sex and lovey-dovey stuff.  There's the stuff in the middle that's hard and tough and you got two people with different views, etc.  That's really what you & your hubby are going through.  I say, make some alone time together.  Even if you have to get a hotel room and just be by yourselves for  a while.  Or, you could make a standing "date night" where it's just the two of you at dinner.  Don't press yourselves into talking, just let it all roll naturally.  If you talk, great, if you just look at each other for 2 hrs, that's ok too.  The point is to be together and get used to each other again without the stresses of home.

I hope some more people answer this post because there's lots of smart women on this forum.  Women that have been married for a long time or in a long term relationship, that could really give you some good advice.

As for looking for a therapist, look up Mental Health Clinic in your area.  Google Mental Health Clinic and also google Clinical Psychologist and see who pops up.  My area has a Mental Health Clinic next to the Hospital.  What you will probably want is a Psychologist because they like to talk.  A psychiatrist will want to prescribe drugs and they don't usually talk a lot.   Most doctors will let you interview them on the phone about their specific type of practice.  I would always looked for a female just because I'm more comfortable talking to a women.  I also liked people that had a good education from a reputable school- degree in phychology as well as a Master's degree.  I went to one lady who was 15 yrs younger than me but she was great, she really knew her stuff.   If I were you, I would try to find someone in their late 20's or early 30's or even 40's.  Just a hunch.  I hope this helps.  Hang in there...everything will be ok.  <3  May

[Confused-one]

It's not great roomwise but it's better than it was before, we recently bought a house ~which helped with room but made things more stressful~, moneywise things are a little tight but I'm the only one who worries about that, he won't have anything to do with the bills or money at all, I have always taken care of it, he won't even look at the budget I made. It's really not as bad as some we both have to work but my mom watches our son ~she says I don't have to pay her anything but I pay her some, not what she's worth but some~ that helps a lot. He is doing fine providing I think, I mean we have a house, two cars that run, we take care of his mom, our son I guess I don't understand why he can't just be happy that we are this far in life at our ages.  Maybe I'm expecting too much, I don't know, thank you for listening and trying to help I really do appreciate it. Do you know where I would find the #'s for these types of therapists?

[mayflowers]

Sounds like there is a lot of stress in your household right now!!!  Wow.  It's probably close quarters plus a little tight financially, am I right?  Try getting your husband out alone - just the two of you - so you can talk about things. He is probably frustrated that he can't provide for his family right now.  That's a pretty big blow to a man's ego.  

I really think you will benefit from a therapist. If money the issue, try calling the Health Department or even some therapists will work on a sliding scale ($5 or $10 a session).  I know because once I was out of a job for 6 months and had to seek therapy, and the local hospital had a mental health clinic that didn't charge me for the therapy or the meds!!!!    If you haven't been to one before (I've been to a couple) you might want to see if you can give them a short intervew over the phone - tell them your situation and see if they can help and what they would do to help you.  There is nothing worse than talking to someone who you don't connect with.  Still, if it's free, sometimes you just get to vent and that can feel good.

[Confused-one]

Honestly we seem to fight about everything anymore, it's feels like I can't do or say anything right no matter how hard I try. A little more to the story his mom has some health issues and has to live with us, I have had to have 5 surgeries in the last 4 years, he is an "angry" person but trys to direct elsewhere ~it's just not working currently~, and the worst part is my son is picking up on this and he is already very protective of me and I don't want him to end up dislikeing his dad over something like this. I have thought about seeing a therapist on my own I just don't know where to go. Thank you

[mayflowers]

You don't say what you and your husband are fighting over.  That would help us figure out how to help you.  Have you thought about seeing a therapist on your own?  I agree, you have to consider all the options before just getting a divorce.  You'll regret it if you don't because you never want to wonder "what if I had done this or that".  Good luck to you sweetie.  I hope things work out.