Need help dealing with relationship issues

[megochick101]

Thanks for reading my post, first of all. I am a 23 yr old female, been married for 3 years but have been with my husband since I was 17 years old. We have two children, and I am a stay at home mom. I'm writing this trying to get some insight on how to approach my husband about some problems i feel we have in our relationship. i haven't approached him up to this point mostly because i find it very very hard to confront things. i have a big problem when discussing my emotions, whenever i try to tell someone how i feel, in the back of my head i'm thinking "is this person going to reject me or insult me because of what i'm saying" and i try to fix what i say so that that does not happen.(i know i think i need some therapy but i want to talk to my husband first and then try and deal with my deeper issues)

Anyway, i have been a stay at home mom ever since we first got married. And i feel like a child in our relationship, i feel like i have to ask him if i can buy stuff or do stuff because he makes the money and if i don't ask then i end up having to justify why i bought or did something to him. i don't feel like my husband respects or appreciates what i bring to the relationship. In the beginning of the marriage i always made sure the house was spotless, and that dinner was done or nearly done by the time he came home from work. When everything was clean and everything was done by the time he came home, i feel like he was never aware of how hard i worked to make the house and everything in the best condition it could be for him. He never once thanked me for having dinner ready, he never helped me with the children(the only thing he did with them was play), the only response i got from doing all that work was comments about how i should have dusted this way or i should have added this to the food(or how the food would have been better a different way) or i should have cleaned things a different way or things like that. then about a year and a half ago i started letting things slip. What i realize i was trying to do now was try and show him how much i do all day. So i'd skip doing the dishes before he came home and play with the kids instead, or i wouldn't have dinner ready or i wouldn't do laundry for a few days. i know that was kind of a childish way to go about everything but i wanted to make a statement. and it didn't work at all. now instead of just making comments about how to go about things i get comments about me "sitting at home on my *** all day and not doing ****". it is really bothering me. Once my husband gets home it's like he goes into child mode, where he can't do ANYTHING for himself. One day i was finishing up dinner in the kitchen and he was in the living room with the kids and my son started crying and he yelled for me to "come get your son" when he was no more than 3 feet away! and this happens constantly. he will not get his own drink, i have to literally serve his dinner to him(and the only reason i do this is because i have to hear him complain if i don't)

Every time i try to talk to him to get him to understand i end up yelling and then of course he doesn't listen to me. and i need ideas on how to go about this. i need to discus this calmly with him and i don't know how to best make him listen to what i'm saying and how i've been feeling(with his full attention). it's really hard for me to try and do this without getting all emotional and i want to just discuss it with him, without blame or guilt or anything.

Please disregard spelling/grammatical and punctual errors, i am just trying to get my thoughts out there and trying to explain my situation in the best way i can. Any help is appreciated.

Thanks,
Megan

[teko]

Any woman who has been married for any length of time and has children to take care of and does not work outside of the home will feel your pain. I do not know of a single woman who does not have at least some of the same feelings as you.  I remember when my children were small, and in the same situation as you.  I felt like I had to ask for money to buy my personal things like tampax, and explain every cent. First, I would make a list, google and find out what each occupation pays and make a chart, for example. I clean for a living and I charge 25.00 per hr. A prostitute gets how much, a nanny, and so on.  Then add it all up over a monts time and show him in dollars and cents what you are worth! No one could afford your services, no matter how rich they may be.  Secondly, who controls the checking accounts? Is your name on them? If not it should be. And you should have your own credit card in your name and if you cannot do any of this, agree on a certain amount of money weekly, for your self. Him too. We ded 25.00 per wk but that may need adjusted per your income. Thirdly, let him know that it would help so much if he could for example, bathe the baby while you do dishes or vica versa. Last, show him this thread. Sometimes it is easier to write ones thoughts down and let the other read it, while you have a cold beer in hand. Then tell him to not say anything now, but take a while just to think about it and you can talk later.

[Judy246]

Hi Megan,

You don't feel appreciated and many men (not all), don't realize that being a home maker is a 24/7 "job". It' real work: housekeeping, cook, server, daycare, nurse, teacher, gardener, shopper (groceries), cleaner (laundry), pet walker (if applicable), organizer, scheduler and finally, all woman. There is no price on the responsibility of a homemaker and I appreciate you!  The job is under paid and unappreciated.

It's important to have mutual consideration of each other's role in the relationship, because he works hard to bring home the bacon and just wants to come home, family and dinner and relax from a full day a work. You are not his servant, but his partner who also needs to be respected, appreciated, acknowledged and rewarded with a some time out, so with all this said, show him my note and I hope he will appreciate you for who you are, his love, partner,soul mate and to help out around the house...pitch in.

Try to spend time alone...get a baby sitter (family member would be fine), but talk to him and tell him you need his understanding and appreciation....best of luck. Judy

[Mitch82]

Christ If I had a wife that made the house spotless and cooked dinner when I got home, I would be so very very grateful (I don't have a wife by the way, just in case anyone thought I was making a crack).  maybe you could look at taking up a part-time job, then you could spend the money you earn without guilt? Also the days you’re not at home, your hubby might realise that all those things around the house don't get done by magic.
Just a thought.

[megochick101]

Well my husband is off early today so I'll definitely be talking to him, while the kids are staying the night at grandma's(want to have a discussion without any interruptions.) and I did what you said teko about making a chart of how much I would earn if I did all my jobs outside the home..apparently I'm worth $66,000-$88,800 a year(a lot more than I thought!) Of course that's without buying groceries/formula/diapers and all the other wonderful costs that come with young children..lol So technically I should be making even more than my husband does at his job..lol I am currently looking for work(mostly to just get out of the house and get a break form the kids for a few hours) I've applied at a lot(probably over 30) of part time jobs but apparently I'm overqualified(which of course is the "nice" way of saying they don't want to pay me what I'm worth...bastards..lol)  

I want to thank all you for your comments, just getting the situation out of my head and knowing that I'm not the only one who feels this way has helped tremendously!!  I decided to just basically write him a letter so I can get all my thoughts and feelings in order, and so he can just read it and think about for a bit and then we can talk about calmly.  

I'll let you all know how it goes and thanks again!!

[imanaddict]

UGH! I cannot stand it when some husbands think that being a stay at home mom isn't a "job"! It's HARD WORK and I can certainly understand your frustration! Been there! In fact, after I had my daughter, I said "that's it" and went out and got a job because I constantly felt like all my hard work wasn't appreciated, and I have a wonderful husband! Go figure! Anyway, I think a lot of the problem is HIM and he's acting like a spoiled brat. I would suggest not doing anything else for him. Let him do his own laundry, let him get his own drinks, let him get his child! Of course, he'll complain like you mentioned, but try to ignore it, as hard as that might be. Or you could just say "I'm busy right now honey,  you'll have to get it yourself"

Definitely talk to him about this and let him know how you feel. DON'T worry about his reaction so much that you talk yourself out of the way you actually feel. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will!

[megochick101]

Ok, just wanted to update everybody. So I talked to my husband on thursday(well talked, cried, argued etc. lol) So I got all my feelings and thought out there and I do feel a whole heck of a lot better just telling him all of it. But I wrote him a letter(a 6 page letter haha) and he actually read through the whole thing and then after awhile we discussed some of the issues in it.

I realized while writing the letter that the most important issue for me was the lack of help he gave when it comes to the children. For example: with both our children(we have a 2 1/2 yr old and a 3 month old)he has NEVER taken care of them during the night(i.e. bottle feeding diaper change when they were younger), and he has also NEVER woken up with them in the mornings, and this includes the weekend. we talked about all this on thursday and he did agree that it wasn't okay for him to just make me take care of our kids 24/7. The thing is that ever since our talk he still has not taken the initiative to help me with them at all(and i have asked for help several times). He always makes excuses for being tired or that he's busy(when he said that he was playing poker on the computer and watching the basketball game..ya busy alright).  

Now i know he works and I appreciate that and when he gets home, i leave him alone and let him relax and everything for an hour(more most days) before i'll even ask him if he could help me. and i don't know what to do about it anymore. i mean I love my kids with all my heart but being their only caregiver 24/7 is starting to make me crazy. with him not helping me I'm starting to lose my patience and becoming irritable all the time which makes me sometimes snap at the kids(which of course makes me feel like a horrible mother) and i've explained all this to my husband and have asked him so many times for help but it's like he just shuts me out. I just need help. does anyone have any thoughts on what i can do to get him to help me out or anything? I'm at a loss here.