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Avatar universal

Need help

I need to talk to someone. I am married almost three years. No kids yet. My wife and I are both doctors. I grew up with a group of guys that were like having a dozen brothers. There was alot of good to that and in our case alot of bad. We thought we were "the guys". We all had our girlfriends or pick-ups but when alone we were the macho jerks. We'd get drunk, pick up, drop some money at clubs and go to strip joint / parlors. Even when we found the girls we knew we loved and would marry we were still the 12 or so fools. That carried through bachelor parties, trips to see out of town games, our annual gathering, and just nights out here and there to relieve life's sh*t as we liked to put it. But more and more I started realizing we were jacka**e* and wondering why I was leaving a real woman that I loved at home while going out with the boys. I found I was not enjoying it - it was empty. I started backing down a bit and being less of a player for lack of a better word. I then stopped and told the guys that is just not for me anymore - I don't want it. Of course they think I am a wimp, think my wife controls me and in a way they do not trust me. Its like they are afraid that I have become so whipped (as they put it) that I may tell my wife about them. I'd never do that as I do not want to be the reason of breaking up homes especially with kids. But I do want to tell my wife about me and just start over. I read that when you cheat and confess the marriage that you knew ceases but a new and better one can begin. But is that fair to her? Does she need to know? I do not want to tell her to make myself feel better. I want to tell her to close the chapter on lies and let her know that I stupidly learned what my vows mean to me after I said them. One guy is getting married ina  few months and I backed out of the celebration and advised him to do the same - to learn from my mistake. Honestly I think the friendship is over the way he looked at me. What I am asking as I am going in a circle is - what is better for my wife - to know and decide whether to go on with me but to have to feel pain or for me to learn from my mistakes and be the husband I should have been. I was actually going to go ask a priest but who would know better than other women?
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Avatar universal
I am SO GLAD to hear that you are coming clean. What a romantic trip you have planned. POlease take care of your wife from here on out and realize what a blessing you have in your marriage.

God Bless!
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198506 tn?1251156915
It will be a long tough road but I wish you the best of luck.  
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Avatar universal
I want to say thank you. I still can not believe that strangers have taken so much time out to help me. Also I do want to change my name, but am having trouble finding how to actually change my ID. I have not been on as I am attending a convention and have just had enough time to log in quick and read comments. But I have thought about everything you have said. My wife and I have plans to go to Italy next month. She booked a hotel in Venice near the Bridge of Sighs. She said that she wants to go on a Gondola because if you kiss under the bridge when the bells strike, the Italians believe you will be in love and your souls will be joined forever. (Not sure where she heard this before anyone dashes over there) .I decided I am going to tell her everything. Then there will be no secrets and she can decide if she still wants to be with me and give me the chance to prove I've changed. And if we make it to that Bridge, she'll know everything and not kiss a lie. Thank you again. I hope someday I can help you in return.
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Avatar universal
Are you open to a spiritual comment?  You did mention the priest in there somewhere.

What you are describing in your post is a sign of maturity and realizing your sin for what it is - pure sin the kind that leads to death - death of a marriage, death spiritually.   Adultery is what you ahve committed.  Pure and simple.  What you are realizing is you want to "repent".  Repent means "turn away from".  You want to not just stop your behaviour but turn away from it and everything connected to it.  While it is your wife you want to repent to, it is more important you repent to your maker.

You are recognizing your friends are toxic to you and your relationship.  Take the advice you would give your own patient who is taking in toxins - have an intervention and go cold turkey, get help etc.

I believe until you make piece with your maker and seek his help you will have trouble moving on in your own strength.

The void left by your past habits and friendships will need to be replaced with healthy choices.

Trust is created when you become a trusting person, mean what you say, do what you mean.

Your wife probably has a clue already that things haven't been right.  When she sees your loving and changed behaviour she will not need to be told but will be assured there has been change.

As for your adoption issues, good to resolve your history and I would suggest seeing a therapist. Don't use your past to dictate your present or future.

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Avatar universal
Rock Rose has some very insighful thoughts on this, and I understand where she is coming from. I still cant help but think that honesty is the best policy. I don't know how I could go on living a lie being so sorry and loving my husband so much and keeping this sort of secret from him. I believe that marriage is a journey that two people take together. It is ALWAYS full of hurt and disasters as well as the most precious and meaningful experiences you will ever know. Many people have found ways to survive affairs. I think that if you two truly love each other and realize the value of your marrige you may be able to work through this. I am certainly not saying that this was ok at all. I don't know what I would do. But...I would want to know about it and hear it from my husbands lips. It would be a long hard journey of forgiveness, but I would certainly try to understand WHY it happened and try to save my marriage. You seem to be genuine in your remorse and your love for her. I think you got caught up in a very bad situation with those guys (notice.. I did not call them friends)
You have come a long way "changed man". Tell her this.
Explain first how much you love her, tell her that you have made some really horrible chooices early in your marriage. Explain to her that you have come to realize who you are and what you want in your relationship and where you want it to go from here. Please tell her that SHE was not the reason you did these things.  Basically, just speak from your heart.    
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Avatar universal
First I have to agree w/ RR in that I do not like the name either. If this is not too late, just to throw in my perspective. This is something only you can truly decide but as someone who has been on the other side my only advice I can give you is to say - if you chose to tell her stress to her that it had nothing to do with her and that there was nothing she could have done that would have changed it. For some silly reason we women tend to almost take on the guilt for being cheated on and she shouldn't have to live with that if she is as wonderful as you say. Best of luck to both of you I hope everything works out for the best!
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Avatar universal
Your too funny.
Heck ya no one would put up with my husband the way I do.  He is a 30 year old child.  hehe
I think it is funny say he is 30.  He just turned 30 this past Friday.  I won't be (that age) until December 6th so I am 29 right now.  (noticed how I didn't put the age)
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146191 tn?1236877812
"quite the catch" haha. that cracks me up. sounds just like me. i always  tell my husband that im the best thing that ever happened to him and no one else would ever be crazy enough to put up with his ****.
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Avatar universal
I would because if my husband were to have such utter disrespect for me and our children then how would I know if it weren't to happen again?  It usually does happen again if a wife turns the other cheek the first time.  Don't get me wrong, if I were to cheat on my husband he has even said my stuff would be on the front lawn.  
My father has been married to my mother for better or worse for almost 40 years, and not once has he ever cheated on my mother nor has she.  
I as a person respect myself enough to not put up with that from the man I am married to.  
The way I look at it is I am quite the catch and if my husband doesn't want me, then I will find someone that will be faithful to one woman.  
I diserve that out of my marriage, and I think ladies should expect the same thing because we must have respect for ourselves if we expect someone else to.
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13167 tn?1327194124
Laura - I wouldn't want to know,  if it were in the past and he deeply regretted it.  If he changed,  "saw the light",  and stopped the behavior,  I wouldn't want to know.

I feel completely differently about an ongoing relationship,  I would definitely want to know about that,  and act.  



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Avatar universal
ok my point is most are saying the wife doesn't need to know.

ok so lets say each and everyones husbands cheated on all of us.  Would you want to know or not?
me I would want to know so I could leave.
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154765 tn?1237247944
bip
I know if my husband ever cheated on me. It will not be a quiestion about it. I would take his bags and throw him the hell out.  I dont think he would do that to me. I been with him for 13 yrs and he never once cheated on me. Why  would you anyone get married say your vows and go cheat on your spouse.  Im so against on cheating.This is how I feel...
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Avatar universal
I don't know, If my husband cheated that would be a pretty bad thing for me to handle and get over.  The thing is yes some females stay, but they NEVER let their husbands forget what they did.  
I too would not stay with a man that abused me or the children, addiction, or pedophilia.
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198506 tn?1251156915
We all have things that won't be tolerated in a marriage, for me it's abuse, addiction or pedophilia.  If my husband cheated on me I would not automatically throw him out no questions asked.  But that is for each individual to decide.  However, it's always easier to say what we would or wouldn't do in a situation we have never faced.  I would not think poorly of anyone who made a choice different from the one that I think I would make.    
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Avatar universal
Don't encourage bip.  hehehe
I'm kidding bip.
Right on!!!!!
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146191 tn?1236877812
haha. not nice - but true. i have no tolerance for it either. get over yourself ya know? if you need to cheat, you don't need to be married.
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Avatar universal
Personally if my husband cheated, he would be out the door in a heart beat, because I would never be able to get over the fact that he had no respect for me, our marriage, or our kids.  
Don't people realize that cheating never works and the person that cheats always is upset and feels sorry.
Get a blow up doll if you want a different body, and if you need it warm put a heating pad under it.
Sorry, that wasn't nice.
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146191 tn?1236877812
amen. i was trying to avoid the cliche but its so true.
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146191 tn?1236877812
ok - whether or not he tells her, he may or may not still do it again. i'm not saying he DEFINATELY will. as for being sincere, we will never know. only he knows that. he should be allowed to make up for his behavior if she gives hima  second chance - sure. BUT - the way i see it, if you truly loved someone, you wouldn't have done it in the first place. that everyone makes mistakes bit is a little too overused imo. a mistake is like, oops, i picked up the wrong kind of juice at the store or oops - thought you said dinner was at 7:00, not 6:00. ya know? i can't see cheating as a "mistake", especially if your married. its not like their 14 and he kissed another girl at a party. i think he should absolutely tell his wife and if she chooses to give him a second chance - good for him, i hope he makes the best of it. if she chooses to leave him - then good - he deserves it.
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Avatar universal
I wondered when you were going to show up
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154765 tn?1237247944
bip
Once a cheater is always a cheater.....
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198506 tn?1251156915
That's okay.  I thought maybe my post was confusing.
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Avatar universal
Heck I feel sorry if my husband cheated on me in real life, I know how I get mad at him when he cheats in my dreams.   hehehehe
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198506 tn?1251156915
Whether he tells his wife or not he could still cheat again, just because he tells her does not mean he will feel he has a license to continue cheating.  He does seem sincere in his desire to change his ways.  Shouldn't he be allowed to make up for his hurtful behavior as best as he can?  People make mistakes, some worse than others.  And yes marriages can survive and thrive even after infidelity but it takes work.  If you truly love someone it is possible to look past your own pride and forgive although it takes time and is very hard to do.  
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