Need quick advice on location after separation

[derekwaters]

Decided to go separate ways from my wife, due to verbal abuse and a list of things i wont go into!

I need advice from people who have separated from there partner, I have two options of apartments I can afford, one is very near the apartment I'm giving my ex where my kids will live and the other is in the next town 12k away!

Should i live in same town or should I move to next town, as I'm really not sure

Thanks

[Grace313]

Any ideas how to approach me not living in the house anymore, with a 7 year old and 2 year old who are crazy about there daddy, I was going to say the place is to small so i need a bigger one for me?

Kids generally take this better than we expect them to.  Make sure you have a fair custody split and be honest - little kid honest that is - that you and their mother just aren't getting along and it is best to live apart.

I know it is stressful and scary, but it can also be liberating if there were large problems in the marriage.

Reassure the kids they are still loved by both you and their mother, and that will never change.  Avoid overcompensating for the separation by spoiling the kids.  They still need stability and security, and this means staying with a routine and discipline.

These things are never easy at first, but they do get easier.  Both adults are hurt and will take longer to get over it than the kids.  Be fair and honest and even when dealing with the kids with her, don't get vindictive, and don't allow her to either if that is occurring.

I've dealt with this subject a lot, I feel like an expert at this point!

[Londres70]

Definitely agree with Nighthawk about the counseling.  That's probably what you should do BEFORE you do or say anything.  That would be wise.

We definitely aren't counselors here and this is a very delicate situation especially dealing with children.

[Nighthawk61]

It's adding insult to injury for your wife to refuse to look you in the eye. The kids will notice this, and it will hurt them to see it. I think the best think you could do for the kids is for you to go and see a family counselor, and talk about your situation. Talk about how you and your wife can best adapt the kids to this new arrangement. Maybe they can help you , and your wife, to accept your relationship's demise most graciously.  The kids will notice that your wife refuses to look you in the eye. Let her know by your actions (getting a family counselor) that your intentions for your kids acclimation to a new way of life are good., and she may go out of her way to follow suite?

I wish you all the best. I also think that living closer to the kids is better. Let us know how it goes for you.

[AnnieBrooke]

My friend and her husband split, and they remained living very close by each other, one in the family house and one in an apartment.  One worked an early shift and one worked a later shift.  Their schedule (this might be beyond you and your wife to work out with amity but perhaps not) was based on these schedules.  One needed to go to work early but was home by 3, and the other went to work later and got home too late to eat dinner.  Anyway, the kids lived in at the same house the family had always lived in but they saw both parents every day.  They got ready in the morning and left for school under the supervision of the parent who lived in the house.  Then the parent with the later job (who lived there) went to work.  When the kids came home from school, the other parent (with the early job) was waiting in the house, and cooked dinner and stayed with the kids until the parent with the later work schedule came home.  Then that parent with the earlier work schedule went home to the apartment for the night.

This was admittedly a very civilized divorce, and if your wife is not even looking at you, it might not be like that right now or ever.  But it worked for them through the whole time the kids were growing up, until they were in college, and it included my friend's remarriage.

Anyway, good luck to you, stay creative, and please remember and help your wife to remember, the kids did not bring this on themselves and should not be made to suffer your loss.

[specialmom]

Nothing to do with YOU was supposed to be THEM.  Kids tend to think it is their fault, make it clear it wasn't

[Londres70]

Definitely don't offer details.  That's the worse thing you can do.  I think the time apart senario is generic enough without the horrid details.

[Londres70]

"I was going to say the place is to small so i need a bigger one for me?".........Hmmm, I wouldn't say that.  That's a total lie and really don't encourage telling them a bald-faced lie.

Just tell them mommy and daddy aren't getting along right now and you two need some time apart.  Reassure them that you will be there for them.  

Just curious...........Did you decide to leave or did she ask you to leave?

[specialmom]

This is a rough one. I would give them no details about why.  That is adult stuff.  Just make sure you say it has NOTHING to do with you and most things will stay the same (and I'm sure they will also sleep at your place as well as you'll have partial/joint custody) for them.  that mom and dad love them very much and you will be staying just a few minutes away.  But don't go into issues between you and wife or anything like that.  good luck

[derekwaters]

Thanks everyone, I wasn't sure but after hearing this I will live close, its the hardest thing in my wife walking away but at this stage she doesn't even talk to me or look at me, so its very uncomfortable for everyone and I think going forward it will be for the best! #veryhardtomoveon!

I will literally be living 10 minutes walk away, so nothing will really change, will still be there to bring them to school every morning just wont stay the night.

Any ideas how to approach me not living in the house anymore, with a 7 year old and 2 year old who are crazy about there daddy, I was going to say the place is to small so i need a bigger one for me?

[AnnieBrooke]

Agree.  Close by.  You don't want your kids to pay any more penalties than they are already going to pay.  Be in their school district, go to their stuff, have them over, and so forth.

[Londres70]

Choose the appartment close by.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Sorry about he separation.  I'd live as close as possible for the sake of your kids.  That will keep the best continuity for them and will make the transition easier.  Easy access.  So, stay close to them.  good luck