Need some help/advice

Question

I am a 30 year old male and I have a 3 year old son. I was in a 4 year relationship with my son's Mom that ended in January. We mutually agreed that it would not work out even though I know she wanted it too. She had some serious issues with lying, laziness, the list goes on. When it ended I had mixed feelings because I knew that it would mean my son would go with his mother and I would not see him as much. But, I was happy because I wasn't in love with her and I wanted to find the right one for me. So, a little while after we broke up I signed up for online dating. Within a few days "Janet" reached out to me and we began to talk. We instantly hit it off and we decided to go out on a date. The date couldn't have gone better. She even told me it was "the best date she's been on in a long time". We went out for a second date and again, went great. We continued to date and things were going very well. The only thing that was getting in the way was time. She has a child too and she works full time. She told me right from the start that her time was limited and I understood and accepted it because I had my own life too. I should add too that she is still technically married even though she has been separated for a while and they were in the process of finalizing the divorce. That didn't really bother me, at first. After about two months of dating I decided that I wanted to do something nice for her. So, I surprised her with flowers and took her to this museum that she always wanted to go too. That's when things started to kind of turn. We had plans a few days later for me to come over for dinner. She was going to cook for me. But, right before I was supposed to come over she told me she had to cancel because of work and because she had a bad day. I found that strange and felt like she was blowing me off. So, I blew her off the rest of the night. Didn't answer her texts, etc. The next day we spoke and she insisted she was not blowing me off so I decided to believe her. We continued dating and things were going good. She started meeting my family, I met her daughter, she met my son, I met some of her family, all her friends, etc. It was like we were a couple when we were together. But, we were still only seeing each other once, maybe twice a week at best. That really bothered me but I told myself to be patient. We texted/talked daily and we were always in contact though. After a few more months of dating things took another turn. We had plans to go out to dinner but she cancelled again at the last second. I asked if everything was alright and she said that she was "feeling anxious" and needed some time to think. I said that's fine, take as much time as you need. A few days before this we had a discussion about her and her marriage and talked about us a little. She asked me if there was anything about her that I didn't like. I said no. Then she expressed to me that she is really struggling because there was nothing about me she didn't like, that I had all the qualities she looked for but she couldn't figure out why she couldn't commit. She told me she was really struggling with the divorce, and that she felt really "closed off" and she was afraid of making another commitment and not have it work out. She was cheated on in a past relationship. I think she was really affected by that. She also told me that since she has gotten older she has gotten extremely insecure. So, I tried to tell her that I was here for her and that if she needed to talk that I would listen. I was trying to make her feel secure if you will. Anyway, for about two weeks we went with very minimum contact. But, she always initiated it. I wanted to give her space. She finally caved in and told me she missed me. I asked her if we could talk and we did. The talk went very well, she was actually crying because she said she couldn't figure out what was wrong but she knew she missed me. I knew I was falling for this girl. I was falling hard. It was something I've never experience before. But, there was this gut feeling that I was getting with "Janet" that it wasn't going to work out and that I was going to get hurt. I ignored that gut feeling. We continued dating and things were actually going well again. We started doing play dates with the kids, meeting more family, etc. A few more months went by and things were going well until just a few weeks ago. Her and I took the kids to a water park. We stayed over night. The trip went great but when she got home she got extremely distant out of nowhere. I sensed that and left her alone for a few days. After those few days I called her and just came out and asked her, "what's wrong?" She told me she was having some second thoughts. They were mostly about us both having kids. She said it's something she wasn't used to and it was tough on her. She did make a comment though about my son and it really struck a nerve with me and she was out of line. So I told her. Then I confronted her on her new online dating profile she made. A friend of mine saw her and asked me about it. It was a completely different profile from the one she started when we first met. That was a major red flag to me and at that point I knew it was over. I asked her about that and she said she made it to see if I was still on there. She also stated that she wasn't seeing anyone else, etc. We didn't say much more and I left it alone. The next day I got a text from her later in the day and she was apologizing for her comments about my son, etc. Then she began to tell me about how she couldn't figure out why she wasn't falling for me even though everything was so great with us. Everything was great with us too. Every time we were together we had fun and I could tell she was into me just by her affection, etc. She was never stand offish with me when we would see each other. After we would see each other I could even tell her mood was better too. She seemed to really enjoy my company. So, she continues texting me and the one thing she brought up was that I didn't show her enough affection back. I was never really a affectionate person until I met her. I knew she liked it so I tried to make her happy and I liked showing her affection back. She told me the way she falls for someone is by affection and how much they show her. Not sure if that was an excuse or if she really felt that way. I finally confessed and told her I was falling for her. She came back and said, "well you never held me like you were, or you never made me feel that way." Then I responded with, "well I would've shown you more affection but I never had the feeling you were totally into me." I didn't want to get into a back and forth argument with her so I finally just said, "Us expressing this now is too late. Let's just move on. That's really tough for me to say because I really do care for you. But, if that's how you feel then there's nothing left to say". She responded with "Ok" and I wished her luck. That was really hard for me because I didn't really want to let go, but I felt I had no other options. It was clear she was losing interest and now I have a feeling she was having feelings for a close guy friend that is basically separated with his wide. Now, I am having a hard time with it. It's only been a week and a half and it's still kind of fresh. But, I miss her terribly. I have been hoping that she "just needed space" again but we haven't spoken much at all. She texted me the day after we broke up to tell me she had some of my son's stuff. I texted her the other day to see how she was and that's been it. I can't stop thinking about her and it's driving me nuts. I know deep down I need to move on and nothing will probably happen with us but I am still hoping. That "hope" feeling I am afraid is going to make it tough for me to move on. I just never fell for someone before and that feeling is very new to me.What can I do to help myself move on? Also, why do you think she lost interest? Sorry for the novel.

Londres70 · Answer

Definitely live and learn.  Don't beat yourself up.

TheDude182860 · Answer

You make some good points. I should've known better than to get involved with someone who is still technically married but I did. I guess I didn't understand her situation and I just believed she was ready for another relationship. I am a little upset with myself for letting it happen and now I know better. Live and learn.

TheDude182860 · Answer

I do understand your point. And you are exactly right.

Londres70 · Answer

Agree with Life360........totally move on.  Do not dig a "deeper hole" in regards to this.  

You gave too fast, too soon and too much to someone who is totally confused and is technically still in a marriage.  She is really in NO position to be starting any serious relationship, i.e. meeting families and such, with no one.   

Sounds like some of her behavior and statements were deliberate on her part to push you away so that the chance of the relationship progressing is slim to none.  

"She asked me if there was anything about her that I didn't like. I said no. Then she expressed to me that she is really struggling because there was nothing about me she didn't like, that I had all the qualities she looked for but she couldn't figure out why she couldn't commit."......Ask yourself this "How can a married woman REALLY commit to another if she is still married?"  

She is definitely playing the "push/pull" game with you either out of confusion AND/OR she likes playing games with men.

TTinKKerBBell · Answer

I think You may have missed my point.

If She has an issue with Your Son no matter Her own Child's behavior - I see this as a deal breaker.

Regards
TTinKK

Life360_Dave · Answer

Hi also, I dont think she know what she wants. I think in some ways shes dating and joining the dating sites and being with you to distract herself from her divorce proceedings. I think shes in a fantasy world and reliving her first marriage and you are her ex subconsciously. Dont waste any more time with her, just coming from a separation yourself, this is not in your best interest.

TheDude182860 · Answer

Yeah, sorry for the length of it. I got a little carried away. 

She was concerned that her daughter was going to pick up on some of my son's behaviors. He can be sassy at times and he challenges me. But, her daughter slapped my son and slapped her at one point. I just thought she was out of line for saying that. All kids get sassy.

TTinKKerBBell · Answer

This was very long, but the ONE thing that really stood out to me is:

I'd like to know the comment She made about Your Son that (quote) "really struck a nerve" with You and (quote) "She was out of line".

I think this is VERY IMPORTANT.

I'm not sure You should consider moving beyond that - whatever it was.

TheDude182860 · Answer

One thing I should add is that right before our last trip, she had me over her house to meet her brothers and sisters. Not sure why she would have me over if she was losing interest.