Need the strength to kick him out..

I've been with my live-in boyfriend/daughter's father for 8 years now. He was fine when we first started dating at the beginning but over the course of the years he had lost his job and started using drugs. I had loved him so much that I had tried on numerous attempts to get him help. He would go but then when it got the slightest bit hard he'd quit. He lies to me when money comes up missing and I question him about it. I know he's lieing and when I keep questioning him he rages and lashes out. He swears that he's quit using but I have total reason to believe he hasn't really. He won't admitt it because I have said and he knows that if he does that he is going to lose his daughter and myself. And he swears that it's not worth losing us over it. I am so sick of the lies and secrets it's disgusting. He is bipolar and is extremely stubborn and is the best manipulative person I've ever met. I have told him to leave before and he declares he's not seeing half the stuff in the house is his. I can call the police but I am sure I can do it myself but I am struggling to find the strength and courage to do it and/or just put my foot down. I do love him I just don't want to anymore. Does anyone have any words of encouragment?? I'm sick of thinking everything is ok in my head to avoid the controntation and drama.. Help please!!!

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm so sorry.  Loving an addict is so painful.  I would suggest that you go to an Al Anon meeting which is a support group for those who live with alcoholics and addicts.  Google in your area for a meeting.

What kind of mental health care has your boyfriend gotten?  Typically addiction and depression go hand in hand.  If one doesn't address the depression, the addiction can resurface.  It is a vicious cycle.  Could you tell him that you are worried about him and would like him to see a psychologist?  Regardless if you stay or go, I'd make this suggestion.  He'll most likely never be free of his addictions and demons if he doesn't follow up on his mental health.  

Living in a home with an addict is not great for your daughter, I'm sure you know.  It's not great for you.  It is unstable at best.  If he continues to deny he is using again or even on a binge basis, I think you will have to leave.  It is virtually impossible to have a real relationship with an addict.

And if he does get clean, many things have to be worked on.  I always recommend marriage counseling for a couple in which one has recovered from an addiction. So many unhealthy patterns develop between the user and their significant other as they stay together doing the 'dance' that they have come to know as normal.  

I feel for  you dear, I really do.  I hope that your going to al anon will help you.  Everyone there is in the same situation of loving a person that is sick.  They help you focus on you and what YOU and your daughter need to do to stay healthy.  
Peace to you

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm so sorry.  Loving an addict is so painful.  I would suggest that you go to an Al Anon meeting which is a support group for those who live with alcoholics and addicts.  Google in your area for a meeting.

What kind of mental health care has your boyfriend gotten?  Typically addiction and depression go hand in hand.  If one doesn't address the depression, the addiction can resurface.  It is a vicious cycle.  Could you tell him that you are worried about him and would like him to see a psychologist?  Regardless if you stay or go, I'd make this suggestion.  He'll most likely never be free of his addictions and demons if he doesn't follow up on his mental health.  

Living in a home with an addict is not great for your daughter, I'm sure you know.  It's not great for you.  It is unstable at best.  If he continues to deny he is using again or even on a binge basis, I think you will have to leave.  It is virtually impossible to have a real relationship with an addict.

And if he does get clean, many things have to be worked on.  I always recommend marriage counseling for a couple in which one has recovered from an addiction. So many unhealthy patterns develop between the user and their significant other as they stay together doing the 'dance' that they have come to know as normal.  

I feel for  you dear, I really do.  I hope that your going to al anon will help you.  Everyone there is in the same situation of loving a person that is sick.  They help you focus on you and what YOU and your daughter need to do to stay healthy.  
Peace to you

[Londres70]

If he is not willing or capable to be totally honest about his situation and  confront his demons then the only thing left is some tough love; you leave since the times you have tried to have him leave have been unsuccessful.  

The best motivator to find the "strength" and "courage" to do the right thing is to look into your little girl's eyes and think.......is this the best situation for her to be in and witness?  Does she deserve this?  Should she be living in this?

Yes, I can imagine you truly love and care about him, but this shouldn't be at a cost of your well-being as well as your daughter.  

If you do decide to stick this out, I would recommend seeking professional help for yourself to help you to sort this out and to better deal with an addict.  That would be great if he would get "on board" and stay "on board" with getting help.  

Think about your little girl.

[mami1323]

I'm so sorry.  I can just feel your pain.  The one thing I've learned about addicts is that no matter how much you want him to change, he won't change unless he wants to.  He's got to hit rock bottom and unless you find the strength within yourself to either leave or kick him out, you are just enabling his addiction.  As hard as it is, you have to do what is right for your child and being a child of an addict is scary.  My mother lived with an addict for 8 years and we both enabled his habit.  We felt sad for him.  Every time we kicked him out, he would cry and beg my mom to take him back and let him stay.  For years and years this cycle continued.  He also was a pedaphile and yet I still would feel sad for him when he was crying.  Eventually I grew older and more disgusted with him and finally my mom mustered up enough strength to kick him out for good.  He would hide his needles around the house, he would get violent and out of control to the point where my mom almost stabbed him and I grew up with that.  I'm only telling you this because this will be the life your child will go through if you choose to stay.  Sometimes we have to put our own feelings aside and do what's best for our children.  

I hope that once you make the choice to leave him, that he gets help for himself.  Only he can do that though.

[Londres70]

Your story is truly compelling.  

Thanks for sharing your childhood experience.  It gives us a child's point of view.  

[mami1323]

Thank you.  I don't mind sharing my story if I know it can help someone.