New Perspective Please....

[SuperMom6183]

I have known my husband since Junior Year in High School. We were best friends but didn't start dating until we were 19. He was in the Navy when Sept 11 happened. We got married at 20 before he was sent over seas for 9 months. We were both still kids but made it through. 9 years of marriage and 3 kids later he works out of town all week and sometimes 2 weeks at a time. I always say to people" Oh, we do what we have to and the Navy prepared us for this" but in reality it is hard. I work full time and basically raise three little ones on my own (much respect for single moms) which I don't mind doing. I love my kids even though it can be frusterating at times. I just wish my husband could at least try to understand when I vent to him about a bad day. I have also always been a social butterfly. I have many girl friends and enjoy spending time with them. Not too much time as i love my time on the weekends with my husband and my kids but on occasions i like to go out with the girls. I have no desire to cheat or leave my husband as I LOVE him very much.
He feels like he does show that he understands when I am frusterated on a bad day he is gone. He also doesn't like people. He doesn't like my friends or thier husband or have any friends of his own anymore. He would like me to not talk to my friends, stay home all the time with him and not be social. This is not something I can change as it is who I am. My friends see how he makes me feel guilty even if they just stop by to say HI. I understand he has been gone all week and just wants to spend time with his family when he is home but I don't consider plopping on the couch in front of the TV family time.
I feel like we are at a braking point and I don't want that to be a divorce. I feel controlled and don't like it.
Any suggestions or new perspectives that I am not seeing as my husband is not good at expressing his feelings would be appreciated.
Thanks,

[BigErn]

It really is making me smile to hear you talk about your husband...mine didn't want to go to a counsler either for the same reason...family therapy when his parents were divorced.  The way I got him to go was that I just started going by myself and would invite him everytime, and finally he said ok.  Hey, even when he didn't go, I was able to have a session all about me :)...and as you know, we rarely get me time :).  Some counslers will not do this however, they require both parties to be present for marrage counseling, but it doesn't hurt to start looking...

Good luck!

[SuperMom6183]

This really does help. I will try the tricks you suggested and see if I can finally get him to go to a counseler.

[BigErn]

I have a very similar situation.  I have been dating my husband since Junior Year.  We married 9 years ago and now have 2 small children.  He is in the Army with a very active deployment schedule and I work full time, so I feel your pain.  It is hard enough to have to try to keep a geographically-broken family together, but it gets harder when you feel that you are trying to fight to keep the marriage together too.  I know that my husband and I went through an adjustment period because we had been together so long that when we "grew up", we grew into different people than we were in high school.  It was a matter of rediscovering the person you love. My husband also "doesn't like people" and thinks sitting front of the TV - or at least staying in the house - is family time.  That is a challenge but you just have to get creative.  I have to find time to go to the mall and "people places" during the week and on the weekend, I try to get him to go hiking or do activities outside that are away from crowds.  

I agree with SpecialMom, that you should take time during the week to get a sitter and satify the social butterfly in you.  If that is part of your personality, you will start to resent not going out with your girlfriends.  You can devote your weekends to spending time with your whole family. Also to get the kids to bed and have a special dinner or watch a movie with your husband to reconnect!

Also, my husband and I did end up seeing a counsler too, because sometimes when we have been with someone for so long and we have listened to them for so long, we have trouble hearing them.  It took someone "interpreting" my feelings to my husband for him to understand and vice versa.  Also, a counsler may help you two work through your feelings that he being controlling.  

I hope this helps!  

[SuperMom6183]

Thank you this is helpful. I didn't really think about him trying to find his place back at home or how he is feeling when I am complaining. This is definitely something to work with him on.
For the date nights or inviting friends over with the kids are things we already do. We definitely enjoy our date nights but the feeling only lasts for that night. We do BBQs with friends who also have kids which I really enjoy but he does not. He doesn't like people.
He says that he is afraid I will spend so much time with friends that I would rather spend all my time with them and not him. I don't get this because I would never choose my friends over him and I already spen very little time with them. I loved these suggestions but they are something I have already thought of and tried. I have also brought up the marriage counseler idea as well, he hates counselers because "he was forced to see one when his paernts plit up".
I can definitely be more sensetive to how he feels about being gone but I don't know what to do about needing "my time"

[specialmom]

Marriage can be so hard, can't it?  My husband travels extensively too but I am at home now.  I manage our business but can do that from home.  My kids are now 5 and 6 so it is getting a bit easier---------- but it is really tiring.  And I think you deserve some free time.  What about hiring a babysitter for a couple of hours during the week and having dinner with your friends or plan for them to come over to your house and order in pizza with your kids there?  Then you aren't taking away from your husband's time with you and still getting your "friend" time.  I also make sure when my husband is away that I get some time on weekends to do what I like for a bit.  You take your time!  You deserve it.  You can leave for lunch with friends for two hours and  he can feed and play with the kids.  Then family time later.  

Manipulating and controling is never good.  Also it sounds like he is isolating himself to a certain extent.  Do you think your husband might suffer some depression?  Sometimes when we are in a bad spot personally or insecure, we try to control our loved one.  I'd ignore it for now.  Don't feel guilty as you have nothing to feel guilty about.

If he isn't giving you the support you need when he is gone and you vent---------- think about what it is exactly that you need.  Verbalize THAT to him.  Maybe he'll come through and do it.  I know that I have to realize that being gone is hard on me but it is also hard on my husband.  He hears what we are doing and while I'm complaining about it -------- he is a little envious because I am there and he can't be.  They also have a little difficulty figuring out where they fit into the picture when we go on about our lives without them.  Readjusting to coming back home is hard to a lot of traveling parents.  Finding their place back in the home.  

Lastly, if you are truly concerned about the marriage----------  seek some marriage counseling.  They can help you sort it out and strategize for you as a couple.  It is worth saving a marriage when you have 3 kids to raise.  Date nights also help once in a while.  Put the kids to bed and do a late dinner alone and some quality time.  Reconnect as a couple.  

good luck