New question--be kind

[guinness413]

So I wrote a few weeks ago how my marriage was in a rut and got some opinions but I have to ask this

Is it a form of cheating if I talk to any other man that is not my husband and do some innocent flirting with no intention of ever physically cheating on him?

[guinness413]

thanks for your support

[lovemykids465]

That is how it starts. That is exactly what my husband said to me. Good thing you realized it before it was to late. Good For you.Let your significant other know how you feel.What you need.

[guinness413]

well I think I figured it out what I am doing, right , wrong or indifferent

I am not attracted at all to this person but liked the idea that someone thought I was attractive and liked the compliments; does that help clarify things?

[guinness413]

that's great that there was a positive outcome to a horrible situation

[lovemykids465]

Well I have been married for almost 20 years - married young. Dated Dan, my junior and Senior year of high school. Broke up just before Graduation. He was going to the military, I to college. He asked me to marry him, I really did not love him so I broke it off. We met up a few times over the summer but I finally broke it off. I do not know what the connection was, nice guy, but just did not love him. Met my husband in College and got married my sophomore year I was 20 and he was 22. He was and Is the love of my life. But life gets in the way.We have 4 children, Our eldest we adopted and he is bi-polar. Things got tuff with him over the summer. It was putting a real strain on our family. Our second child has lupus. She is in and out of the hospital and that of course effects us, our youngest has aspergers syndrome just diagnosed this year. Our home life was a mess. I work part time due to the care of the kids and my husband full time. I was pouring all my time and energy into the kids and neglecting my relationship, He was always in a bad mood, working alot, fighting with our eldest and did not know how to handle our youngest so we in turn were constantly arguing. I was continually getting on him on how he was never there for us, how he treated the kids badly, How i felt like a single parent and threatened to leave many times.Not really wanting to but just to scare him. Dumb move. Well I was on FB one day and Dan messaged me. I accepted his friend request, Seeing he and my husband had met years before and really got along well I did not see a problem. It started out innocent but he started talking about prom and things in the past, how I hurt him and how life may have been different if I said yes and so on. I told my husband and he laughed he said purely innocent and not to worry. I told Dan I felt like if he still had feelings we could not talk because I believe an emotional affair is just as wrong as a sexual one. He said then he would not tell me if he fell in love with me. We continued to talk casually until one night my husband and I had a real bad fight. That night Dan text me b/c he and his wife were fighting. He told me he loved me. I said I love my husband just going through a hard time right now. Honestly when talking to him I felt great. Felt needed and wanted. I did feel guilty though so I told my husband. He was ok with it. Said Dan, just need a friend. Well Dan came up this way to visit his parents and wanted me to meet up with him. I said no. He got mad and I told him not to contact me again. And for 3 weeks he didn't. But during those 3 weeks my husband was very distant with me and we continued fighting. One night my husband suggested we go to this marriage seminar. I thought it was weird. Then I thought it was b/c of my situation. That night he told me that there was a woman at work who was really flirting with him. He said he brushed her off. Two days later we were leaving for vacation and I get a text while on way from Dan saying he needed to talk to me. I shut my phone off. Well my parents were trying to call me so they called on my husbands phone. while on phone with them he gets a text so I open it and it says. I miss you can't wait to c u again. I freaked. Kids were in van. It was this woman. No wounder he did not care about me and Dan. I went through text and found 3 of them between the two of them. Needless to say vaca sucked! Put on a show for kids but was so pissed.He seemed sorry and said they only talked a few times that she was going through a break up and came to him for advice then she would say how he was so good and a great friend how lucky I was and did not even know it. He said it never got sexual but It could have that is why he wanted us to go to the seminar he felt bad. Well when we got home from vaca. I looked up cell phone and i get angry just thinking about it. They talked all the time. On way to work, at work, on way home. When he was home with kids and I while I was sleeping you name it. The lieing is what almost ended our marriage. I am still having a hard time b/c they work together but honestly things are much better for us now. It has ended on both parts. I contacted her and told her to leave him alone. We have gotten council things are not great but getting better every day.

[guinness413]

so what happened?

[lovemykids465]

Been there done that just leads to trouble. Innocent,not sexual, a little flirting but the emotional connection will eventually come. Found myself, and my husband was in the same predicament, wanting to talk to this person more then my spouse.Not good at all !

[guinness413]

I agree with you all hence I have not overstepped my boundaries and are no longer talking to anyone :)

[Judy246]

Re-read your post...you answered your own question :)

[guinness413]

What happened if I can ask?

[teko]

You can answer your own question here. If the shoe were on the other foot and your hubby was the one wondering if it was wrong or not. How would that make you feel? You heard that old saying. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

[j7653]

You shouldnt do anything with other men that you wouldnt do in front of your husband.  If you have to keep something a secret or if you know that it would bother your husband, then what you are doing could cause a problem in your relationship.

TRUST ME, I have been there and it ruined my marriage.  

[guinness413]

thanks guys; Deep down, I know the right thing but I just felt so ugly and unappealing and it was nice to hear that someone thought I was pretty. Speaking of which, I decided to take up jogging and rading and start with a trainer tonight so great advice. I know I could never cheat and look at myself in the mirror honestly and without guilt so that will not happen

[Ashelen]

Specialmom is totally right..and like I said, flirting with a close friend is going to open up a can of worms!

You need to seek a marriage counselor to see on your own...the counselor will give you advice on how to approach your husband, and how to deal with everything you're going through. Even if he never comes along, I think you'll find that it helps you out a great deal.

[specialmom]

I agree with Ashelen.  I don't remember your other post about your marriage, but it sounds like you've hit a rough patch.  Honestly, I'd spend your energy there.  Finding others to have a flirtatious relationship won't result in long lasting confidence or happiness.  But working on your marriage could.  

Also, if you pick friends that are both married and you start flirting with them . . . you might tick off their wife.  They may not know you have innocent intentions.  It could go very wrong.  

But flirting with a stranger is hardly cheating.  If it were, adultry would be going on daily for many people.  I am not a flirt and happily, my husband has told me he "lost his game" a few years back after we married . . .so he says he couldn't flirt anymore if he tried.  (so we practice on each other now-------- )  But I know many a flirt----  guys and girls that are totally committed to their significant other.

I will tell you what happened to a friend of mine though-----  she was bored in her marriage and felt ignored.  So she contacted an old boyfriend in a friendly manner.  She told me she wanted nothing from this guy . . . he lived states away . . . and they were just having casual flirtation through email.  Well, her husband found the emails.  Then instead of trying to work on their marital problems----  she spent the next year trying to convince him she didn't want an affair and she wanted a happy marriage.  They are still trying to work it out.  But she left herself open for his criticism.  

Now you aren't proposing to do that but just some flirtatious interaction----  but I wouldn't do it with a friend as Ashelen said.  And I always think that feeling good about ourselves should not be dependent on others.  Find ways of improving your life that aren't relying on a man to do it.  Work out and be a sexy babe, become well read on a subject that others love to talk about with you, that kind of thing.  

So I've rambled, but it is really hard to want things from our partner that they seem unwilling to give.  Keep trying.  Also when we do what we want them to do . . . many spouses will follow suit.  good luck.  

[guinness413]

Nope no counselling because he won't go with me; thinks I am more the problem along with raising two kids that are a lot of work. We fight a lot about money and lack of sleep and how I feel he does not help me and vice versa

So I had a dream a few weeks ago about this other guy and told him innocently about it and then he told me that was cool, no big deal and flirted with me back and he has just resolved his own issues with his marriage and all is well there so now what?

[Ashelen]

I don't know but seeking attention you're lacking in your marriage in another man, even a man you trust not to take it farther, is always going to lead where you don't want it to....there are too many scenarios that could go wrong :(. I never saw your original post, but have you been to a marriage counselor with your husband? you deserve love and attention from HIM!

[guinness413]

I agree with you but hate to admit this but after I got the attention, I acted out the good stuff with my hubby which I thought was helpful for us so that confused me more

[RockRose]

URRRGG,  Guinness, don't!!

Two things could happen.  They could reciprocate and as Ashelen says,  things could go further.  

Or they could go home to their wives and say the weirdest thing happened to me today.  You remember Guinness?  She came on to me today.  I'm sure of it.  I didn't respond in any way,  but she was coming on to me.

Gads how horrid would that be?

[Ashelen]

Well the problem with that situation is that a man who DOES give you attention will automatically start appealing to you  more than your husband if he is not giving you attention....and it will be a case of you seeing the grass as greener on the other side. It's obviously your choice, but this is fairly risky behavior in my opinion. You need to try to resolve the attention issue with your husband so that if you ARE playfully flirty with other men, you're only doing it because you enjoy being a sexual creature and not because you need the attention. I mean honestly what woman doesn't enjoy feeling attractive? BUT if you're not getting sufficient attention from the man you're married to, it can cause problems....

idk, i'm sorry you're going through this....it hurts when the person you love isn't giving you the attention/affection you crave.

[guinness413]

Both people are friends of mine from long ago who are both married as well and loyal

[guinness413]

I think I am just craving the attention that my husband has stopped giving me but I am not attracted to anyone else

[Ashelen]

In MY opinion that depends on what's in your mind. If all you're doing is kicking up your self esteem by some harmless male attention, no I don't think it's cheating. If you're not planning to have any physical OR emotional relationship with him, I don't think it's cheating.

But I wouldn't pick one guy to do this with....if you're talking to some guy on the street and you're playfully flirty, and then move on and never see him again....and then you're at the bank and some guy in line you're playfully flirty with...I think that's healthy.

But flirting regularly with one guy (a guy that you know personally) seems like it could lead to more and that would be something to avoid.

are you doing this to bolster your self-esteem, or because you're bored with the attention your husband gives you? Because if all you need is some self-esteem I think that can actually HELP your marriage...but if you're doing this because you need attention, I think it may lead down a destructive path and you may want to re-evaluate and avoid this behavior.

hope this helps!

[RockRose]

You're playing with fire.    Trying to establish an exact line where you can behave inappropriately but yet still not technically be cheating is playing with fire,  guinness.