No Sex anymore

[smiley733]

My wife admitted to me last night that she has no interest in Sex anymore as she has went through menopause.  I am wondering as I still love her but no sex is driving me crazy and masturbating is not enough fun.  I know this sounds self centered but would I be a creep if I found a woman who was just looking for sex and we would be eachothers outlets or should I carry on jerking off as it has been probably 3 years since I have had sex with woman and not my hand :>((

[melanier43]

I think it's unfair to suggest that a woman's loss of libido is something that a husband can use to be unfaithful or that a woman should suffer through sex when she is turned off by it.  I lost my libido after menopause.  My husband is not happy about it, of course, but has never suggested seeking sex outside our 25 year marriage.  I have tried everything - in consultation with my doctor - and nothing has helped.  I find even the thought of sex repulsive.  I love my husband very much and have stuck with him through times when he has had sexual difficulty.

[satz]

Keep in mind sex is a mental thing for women (not only physical), So try to make her feel sexy and as if she deserves the pleasure you would love to give her. Take that stand point and approach.

[NanaGG]

We can certainly know what is fair or unfair within a relationship.I know of this same situation only reversed. It happens to a lot of men and their wives have to find a way to deal with the difficulty. For better or worse in sickness and in health.A man can not help when this occurs but if he is caring will give comfort and closeness to his wife. You enter into a different dynamic in your marriage. The vows are kept and now having to walk out yet another change within a relationship.I personally think that it is very insensitive of your wife to take this approach toward you, any wife. There are different ways to love and show love and appreciation toward one another. I don't believe she should as someone said be a dry dishrag, but when you love someone you meet their needs and find a way to make it work.I would encourage you to share your feelings and ask her if she really feel that it is fair to ask you to not have your needs met. She may not have that drive, but because you love someone you take care of them and meet their needs. It is two people helping to do for one another. Willingly, lovingly. We are one. To someone who said after her hysterectomy she still had a sex drive. I have known some women who lost it and could not be satisfied, but worked at finding the intimacy with their husband very important. Our relationship changes with the things that happen to us phyically in a marriage. Sickness, injuries, but the love and devotion gets deeper and it is the relationship that survives it all. In the end to be faithful, devoted, and knowing it was a job well done and that in itself is the reward. The building of a family, a lifetime together, looking back some things seem not as important when cancer,trama, brain injury, death happen. many people would ask for just one more day with their spouse whether they could do anything or not. Your wife needs to be grateful and thankful that she has such a loving husband and should want to please you.  Reach 40 yrs. That is a reward, rising above the challenges. Adapting and finding common ground. Stay faithful, work toward a solution, seek some professional and medical imput, let he know you need the closeness with her,and people pray for him. Good luck and God bless

[smeghead]

I am having the same problem as you with younger women , I am 37 but it seems that I look about 32 and mid to late 20's women are looking at me

They are all well dressed and attractive and don't wear clothes that flaunt their body , women who flaunt their body don't look at me nor do older women

This activity has increased since I lost some weight and paid more attention to my appearance

I read your other post where you said "I know about being overweight but for the record I wear clothes that fit my appearance as I am very tall.  I wear clothes that overlap and not like a sack but decent clothes that look real good"


I seem to look OK in the mirror when wearing my shirt or shirt and jacket or when naked , but not so good when just wearing a t-shirt

Where I live the local people do not wear nice clothes , in fact they all wear the same type of clothes eg tracksuit /hoodie / jeans ,trainers, baseball cap and smell

I wasn't born in the area and would say I look different so perhaps that is the appeal - or perhaps it is all in my head


I do think that I can tell when a woman is looking at a man because she is interested rather than for a joke , because there was a man wearing just a pair of shorts (no shirt) on the bus , he had a good body and a woman on the bus couldn't keep her eyes off him

I pretend I am not paying attention and they look at me for a long time when they think I am not looking , although I will have looked at them earlier

these are lone women - you would expect women in a group to be more likely look at a man if they were joking

I don't know what to do

In answer to your original question ;

If I had a partner who had lost interest in sex - I wouldn't look elsewhere - the thought wouldn't even cross my mind and if I was looking for a partner it would not be an issue either

[Milfilicious78]

RockRose

Said it perfectly!

[mayflowers]

Sorry about the age thing.  I got you mixed up with crazywillie (he's 61) from Australia.

I have just known enough men in my life that have mis-read women and what you described sounded like that type of situation.  The only women that blantantly come on to men (who aren't sending out signals) are either prostitutes, grifters, or sluts.  Normal, healthy women do not act this way.

You started this post with a question about finding a sex partner that would remain unemotional so you could stay married to a wife who doesn't want to have sex with you for heavens sake!!!!!    

For what's it worth, I am being honest with you about my take on the situation.  I won't post anymore to you.

[smiley733]

I am not 60+ and if so then yes I would expect a young woman to be uninterested as I know that older women look at me and I am not interested either.  I am actually 45 and do not think about sex all the time.  I think if you read my posts you would see that I am not obsessed with sex if I was then I would have left my wife and found an airhead woman who was into sex and not into reality.  I am not a type of person who sees things and cannot decipher the feelings or other intentions.  I guess I have given you the idea just because I am frustrated with my situation that all I think about is sex.  I guess you know me better than I do so I guess you can tell me which should I do first get a vecectomy or should I just become a priest ???   Don't answer don't worry as I guess sometimes these forums can create too much controversy and so guess I will read along and try to keep my sex filled thoughts to myself.  I did not realize how upsetting this must be for this sex obsessed old man must make you feel

[mayflowers]

I'm not negative just realistic.  Lets see...you are what, like 60+ right?  A young girl is going to be hot for you?  Yeah, that'll happen.  I think you see things that aren't really there because you are so lonely and have a distorted view of women.  I've seen your posts over on the sex forum.  You have issues man, big issues.  Sex is just about all there is to you.  I think your wife knows about these issues and it turns her off hence the fact she is not interested in sex.   You probably see a women and they *could* be looking at you but thinking about what to make for dinner and in your eyes, you think she is coming on to you.  

I've had older men hit on me and it's like "Hey Gramps, keep your wrinkly old body away from me."  Believe when I tell you this, I wasn't even remotely thinking of being with these men.  I like young - well 40-ish - men.  They are experienced and their bodies are still good.  

Sorry SMILEY, you need a dose of reality here.  Either that girl was a prostitute (yes, they can dress like you describe) or she was looking at someone else or she was playing a joke on you.  No young hot chick is going to be coming on to you.  

Now, here is my advice, start reading books, take a class in math or history, help the poor, build house for the poor, feed your mind but get your mind off of sex.  It has warped you and no woman is going to take you seriously.

[smiley733]

I am not sure as she was dressed like an office lady very expensive jewelery and by the way shoes were very common sense shoes.  I wonder is this your way of turning it into a negative or do you look at everything with a negative outlook ??

[mayflowers]

She was probably a prostitute.

[smiley733]

I have never taken out my frustration on my wife and our sex life has been good for the most part as I am not pushy I would smile wink and after a good back rub or hair trimming ( wink wink ) off we would go so I guess I will have to be waiting at the end of the bed and someday make it squeak again.  thanks for all your help and suggestions.  I have another young woman make a blatant pass at me.  She sat across from me at a mall and watched me slid her shoes off and on and kept uncrossing and crossing her legs for me.  I got up and walked away even though she gave me her best pouty eyes which by the way were absoulutly incredible.  I did think of her at my next shower so guess I need to control my urges even though it was an enjoyable shower is this considered cheating ??

[slt58]

as a person who has been married 39 years and never liked sex, or had any sex drive,  I feel for your wife.  I also am going thru menopause and feel the same way. And no one can know what you're going through unless they go through it also.  I understand your frustration because my husband also is and has had to deal with this for so long.  I have tried testosteron creams and that helped alittle.  My question is was her sex drive normal for her and you before she started menopause?  Her gynocoligist could possible help but she has to want the help.  As for you I really don't know what to tell you.  My husband wouldn't even think about sex outside the marriage but then he takes his frustrations out on me and our relationship suffers. I know of many women who have done exactly what your wife has said and the husbands are relinkished to a relationship of friendship and pain.  I'm sorry.

[vmvnpv]

Ditto RockRose 100%.

[njw753]

Normally loss of libido after menopause is hormonal.  If a car runs out of gas, it will not go anymore.  Period.  Gas for a woman's libido is testosterone.  As we go through natural menopause our production of estrogen and testosterone slows waaaaaay down.  If we go through surgical menpause we stop producing it at all.  A woman needs testosterone and estrogen to retain libido.

Here is my story:

I had a complete hysterectomy in 1987 when I was in my 30’s.   I had no libido.  None.  I managed my menopause symptoms with different estrogen pills.  Then came the estrogen scare several years ago.  I tried to get off of the estrogen and couldn’t.  The night sweats were the worse.  Did I mention I had no libido?

Then in 2003, I read a newsletter from my gyn about Bioidentical hormone pellets.  These tiny pellets are made up of either estrogen or testosterone.  They are implanted in my hip every 3-4 months.  It's a simple office procedure.  Bioidentical hormones are the closest thing to what a woman produces naturally.  There is not the risk of breast cancer as in synthetic hormones.  Your body only uses what it needs.  I did some research and one of the symptoms of low testosterone is loss of libido.  I also felt like my name was after every symptom.  There was a ray of hope!  I talked to my dr about the pellets.  She does thousands of women.  I found out that a friend also had the pellets and was loving them.  So I decided to get them.  I get 2 estrogen pellets which I think are 25mg each, and 1 testosterone pellet of 75mgs.  I will get these pellets as long as I am able.  Hopefully till I die.  

I have to say they changed my life.  First of all the menopause symptoms went away.  But the absolute best was the increase in sex drive.   Orgasm, lubrication, desire went through the roof.  We were like kids on a honeymoon!   My whole self-image has increased.   Now after 4 years, we’ve “calmed” down somewhat but really my libido is still strong.  I guess I’m trying to make up for all those lost years.  

Think about it.  No gas... the car doesn't run.  No testosterone...no desire for sex (amongst other things).  

Put gas in the car, it runs, put testosterone in our bodies are we are new women!

P.S.   They are not just for women.  Men who feel a loss of libido can also get testosterone pellets.

[smiley733]

I am very committed and know that the only option is to have patience and a whole lot of cold showers.  I guess being great friends is one great thing as we always fight lifes situations on the same side so this goes a long ways.  I know some couples never get to Jamaica or Cuba so this is special time no matter what.  I do wish there was some sex atleast but it could be worse and we could always fight which we don't.  I sometimes fantasize about some younger women I work with but I never think of going down that path.  I guess stroking about my naughty thoughts is better than acting them out as some of these younger women ( in 20's ) always wink and smile at me which drives me a little crazy.  I know this is the old guys dream but losing what I have would not be worth the fantasy.  I stand alone in the shower as usual ( sorry not trying to put that picture in your head ) but atleast I have a great home and life.

[RockRose]

Smiley,  I appreciate your commitment to marriage,  and your obvoius affection for her.  

I know others may disagree,  but her lack of libido isn't unusual - it's a common thing for women to reach a certain age - or go through a span of years -where they don't have any libido.    They just decide to have sex anyway,  as a part of their relationship.

She probably puts a lot more energy into NOT having sex than if she were to just give in and have sex with you.  All the avoiding touch,  pretending she's sleeping,  trying not to hug you very long or you'll want it,  etc.  

I know there are women who have back problems or other severe health issues who are really not able to have sex - they just can't.  She just sounds like she's exceptionally selfish - every time I come to this thread and see you've posted I just hope you're saying you poured out your heart to her and made an ultimatum,  and she saw your perspective.

Best wishes.

[smiley733]

I appreciate your comments and do hope for a solution soon.  I know that marriage is for life as in to death do us part.  I have parents who have been together for 56 years so this makes me wanna work harder and keeping it together.  I have two siblings who have been through divorce and the family dynamics have never been the same as the average length of marriage in our family is 20 years so I am closing in on this figure as the committment to marriage is big in our family.  I just hope I don't go blind or lose use of my hands in the meantime as then what would I do hahaha better to laugh than cry at this point in time.
Regards

[vmvnpv]

And as a sidenote, sex workers (aka prostitutes) are illegal in a lot of areas, both USA and Canada.  NOT a good idea.  You are then risking your health and, as you said smiley, getting fined and losing your possessions as a result of getting caught.  Not worth the risk IMHO.

[vmvnpv]

Marriage is give and take.  You shouldn't find another woman just for sex because it doesn't work, as a pp said.  Women are an emotional being and chances are the one you choose won't want just sex.  She'll want something more down the road and you're risking your marriage because whose to say you won't want something more with the other woman down the road?  That leaves your wife heartbroken and alone.  BUT your wife needs to realize you have wants and needs too.  You should talk to her and see if you can't compromise.  Maybe sex twice a month or something.  She should also see a doctor.  They may be able to prescribe something for her libido.  I really don't know many men that would stick around as long as you have and just masturbate for 3 years.  That's being faithful.  Like Cosmogal said, she is very lucky to have you as a husband.

[Cosmogal]

I feel really sorry for you. Its just not normal to not want that in your relationship. It sounded very lovely and romantic. There has to be something deeper here than we know. Are you touching her as well to encourage her to touch you there? Have you kissed her romantically lately? Kissed her neck? Getting in shape is only part of it. I can tell you that when I was overweight I had a great sex life. Now that I have lost weight, no different. Its all in the mind for women. Tell her how you really feel as you have told us. (just leave the part out about cheating) and how its emotionally affecting you. Its really considered in divorce cases as isolation of the spouse. You also didn't say how your sex life used to be. I was concerned about that. Get some new tricks up your sleeve. Talking does nothing if its getting you no where. Is she at least open to trying? Wishing you the best cause I don't think I would be staying much longer. You are a good man for waiting so long. I hope she knows how lucky she is to have such a patient husband.
Paula

[smiley733]

I have taken her to Cuba and Jamaica both had kingsize beds both places I took her to romantic dinners one in Jamaica had the resturant right by the water and the waves would quietly splash just feet from our table ( view best in resturant could also watch the cruise ships cross the horizen )  There were candles and soft music.  Cuba and Jamaica we walked along beaches alone at night watched the waves from our balcony held hands but still no interest.  I gave her back rubs foot rubs everything I could do to maybe even get her to touch my privates.  I am discouraged but I do love her wish she was more interested in love making last night again we talked and nothing so I am thinking I will have to be manipulative and get us both into shape and maybe this will get her in the mood and if this doen't work then I will reevalutate the situation

[Cosmogal]

I read in Readers Digest recently that even a 10% weight loss increases ones sex drive. But it also mentioned that overweight couples are enjoying sex sometimes more than their thinner counterparts. Probably because they are comfortable with their partner. Now for my thoughts as a woman. Are you making sure that in the past your sexual encounters were enjoyable for her as well as yourself? Was she achieving orgasms each time you had sex? Women also rarely achieve orgasm through regular intercourse alone. Usually its through oral or manual stimulation. For example I have had expensive chocolate and crave it, and I have had cheap chocolate and can tolerate it. After awhile, it gets easier to just not have chocolate at all if I can't have the good stuff. So maybe she is not wanting the cheap stuff. Maybe you need to put some excitement to it. Shake things up a bit. Now here is the tough part. Is she willing? She cannot imagine you going your whole life without sex. I am sorry but I would not do that to my husband. If there was an issue with me I would tell him and I would want to fix that. You are too young for that. My parents are 59 and 65 and have a very healthy sex life. If she is unwilling to get help, then you must ask yourself, how much does this woman really care for me or my needs? Sex is a part of marriage as it creates intimacy. It doesn't have to be 3 times a week. Even if its once or twice a month is alright. But please talk to her. Its really not fair to you. She is also missing out. Seek out therepy. I would love to see you both fix this before something happens you both might regret. There is nothing here that can't be fixed by two willing participants. She needs to see a doctor and for that she has to be willing.
Best of luck!
Paula

[smiley733]

I appreciate your words as I do know she loves but I do think it is her issue she is dealing with so guess I will use the perverbiol palm sisters until we can work out this situation.  I know she finds me attractive as she is very jealous when another women usually younger women smile at me or make a point of chatting me up even when she is within earshot.  I don't encourage this with other women it just happens so I think my wife has her own issues that I hope can be rectified real soon.

[smiley733]

I am not a drinker and do not have a beer belly.  I have had many women comment on how young I look as my youngest child is 22 years old.  I do situps everyday well almost everyday I think the reason that my wife is not sexually active is she has as my mother put it one day "put on a few pounds "  I love her no matter what but I am hoping this summer we can get ourselves into shape so next year on our winter holiday we will enjoy our getaway in a physical way.  I have never been pushy about sex as it should be a mutual thing so I have waited for a long time and this admission struck me as wow.  I felt bad as I try to keep myself in fairly decent shape but her personal feelings could be to her own personal body image.  Thanks for all your insights it is very interesting on the comments from both sides of the gender wall on this post.