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No respect from husband?
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No respect from husband?

My husband and I have an ongoing battle re: his adult daughter.  we've been together 7 years, married 3.5 years.  

His daughter has not wanted me in his life since day one.  She's exhibited her dislike for me in various creative ways. That was understandable coming from a teenage girl.

What's not understandable is my husband's denial.  he says his daughter is not a problem for him, she's my problem and I need to get over it.  he will in no way confront her for her behaviour, he won't even talk to her about me.  He pretends no problems exist.

He defends her to me and yells at me and tells me that I cause the problems his daughter has.  She has nevr lived with us, always lived 75 miels way. now she lives out of state.  Daughter and exwife team up and call my husband frequently, the both bad mouth me.  Exwife told my husband that his kids hate me and want nothing to do with me.  My husband got off that telephone call and beat me up verbally.

Husband has recently told me he resents me.  He says I a a bad influence on him.  I am the reason he no longer goes to church.  I am the reason for a lot of other problems he has.  Iknow this is hogwash, but it hurst just the same.

He has called me horrid names, names no one has ever called me.  I am depressed. I have health problems, I can't take this much more.

I know divorce is probably the answer here, but I can't find the strenght to deal with it
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Avatar_f_tn
oh boy. i feel for you, this is why i never got serious with a man with kids (even though i have a son). before you just throw in the towel, maybe you can convince him that some family therapy might help. it sounds like even if you leave his daughter and himself could benefit. i really couldnt continue in this kind of day to day life. i just read it again, the daughter doesnt live with you? does she at least visit? if she doesnt i bet she is very hurt that her dad is only there via telephone. and im sure the ex has her words in the ears too. if he sides with the ex over you, that is a great sign, it might never work. im sorry, if only there was a magic key that could open his mind and ears. maybe he isnt over his ex. why did they split? its been quite some time though, he needs to put eveyone in their place, including the daughter. you are his wife and she needs to show you respect.
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142722_tn?1281537216
Well sounds like my ex boyfriends kids.  They are both teenagers and never really liked me either and showed it - his son the most.  He acted like it was not a problem either.  They didn't live with him, but stay with him in the summer.  I don't think it is the kids, I think it is their parents and how they handle their divorce and never talked with them.  Anyway I had to leave him because of drugs, but his children and his actions were another one.  He did not want to face the issue of his kids and me.  Children go through something when their parents divorce, their hurt and full of anger.  I don't know what it is like because I have never gone through it.  I am having his baby in 10 days.  His ex however likes me and feels bad that her kids act the way they do.  They dont' want anything to do with their brother that I am about to have - you know what I dont' blame them.  They are used to their dad alone.  My child will not suffer because of them and I will not bring my child into a home where other children will not treat him with respect.  I just wanted to let you know I have been there and feel for you.  He really needs to talk about this because you are suffering.
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142722_tn?1281537216
His daughter might feel a little hurt and maybe their are some issues that she hasn't worked out with her dad.  I just think that it was better for his kids and our baby for us not to be togeather.  They are more important then me and my child is more important then him.
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Avatar_f_tn


Divorce is not fun but how great is it being in a marriage like this??  This sounds like torture to me.  The only advice I can give is to try to get therapy with your husband and see if that helps anything.  And if he won't go, then go by yourself.  Good luck!
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Avatar_n_tn
You can't fix what is going on in this family. Sorry, but whatever issues these people (or this guy's kids) have probably began before you married this guy. So there's not much you can do to clear up the bad blood going on between you and the adult child (??children). (Sounded like there was only one child here.)

You are being verbally and emotionally abused by this guy. How long do you plan to put up with this situation?

Clearly, this guy doesn't even have the guts to say to his daughter, "I love you, but I also love my wife, so I don't want to hear any negative sh*t from you about her or about my marriage."  

If he can't even go that far for you, how worthy is this guy of YOUR love?  

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Avatar_f_tn
My husband has a son as well as this wonderful daughter.  he's 1.5 years older than her.  he's never been an issue.  I don't know if he likes me or not, but he's always polite to me and never causes a problem with anything.

I don't know what the deal is with husband and his daughter.  Sometimes I think something has happened in their past and no one will talk about it.  The daughter is currently working as a stripper and modeling (sounds shady)  While not offering his approval of her lifestyle, my husband doesn't have any negative reaction to what she is doing.  He just acts like she isn't doing it.  yet to me he says his daughter is evil and repulsive.  Then he turns around and tells me that I am worse than her.  Her promiscuous sex life that began at age 14 is well known.  The daughter has not had any shame and told her mother all about her conquests (at age 14)  Daughter has been in counseling before, must not have done any good. She's threatened suicide in the past. but so has her mother

It's tru, he doesn't deserve my love.  He deserves what he had with his exwife.  She lied to him, she cheated on him a couple of times.  he caught her the last time sneaking a phone call in the middle of the night.  he pickd up the extension phone in time to catch her professing her love to a friend of my husband's.  They knew the guy from their church!

I don't think he ever got over his exwife.  I think there is anger towards her, but I also think he would have wanted her back if she was willing.  I feel like a cheap substitute.  I realize that he will never love me the way he loves/loved her.  She was the first love of his life, the mother of his children, etc.  But I never expected to be treated like garbage.

I've found pictures and cards that the two of them sent back and forth while they were married.  Why are these still in his possession?  That's obvious.

Two months ago exwife was in a fight with new husband and was sending my husband text messages threatening to kill herself.  She then sent the same text messages to her son.  Last week his daughter sent a text to my husband telling him to call her mother asap.  he didn't call, he called daughter instead. Turns out son had jsut broken up with girlfriend and mentioned suicide.  They all went into hysteria mode.

Personally I think my husband and his ex should get back together.  They were the ultimate picture of a psychotic, dysfunctional family.  Maybe his daughter can pole dance at their wedding.  They are all sick and I should leave, I never wanted this ****.
Thanks for the responses, I'm sorry I am such a mess.
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Avatar_n_tn
Well, you're not a mess if you can see the scenario this clearly. You have to identify the problem before you can find a solution to it.  

Suffice to say, your husband does not sound emotionally mature enough for a healthy relationship. There's a lot of baggage here and he's apparently not willing to work out any of it to improve his relationships with anybody, including  you.

And don't get me started on the "they all met at church" issue. Organized religion is such a wonderful thing, isn't it? Yeesh.

Not all strippers/models/pole dancers have shady pasts (or presents). Unhealthy relationships and unresolved conflicts happen, no matter what someone does for a living. But it doesn't sound like you are going to get to the bottom of anything in this marriage, not with the bizarre relationships this guy has  swirling around him.

I would definitely get out of a situation like this.  Keep us posted on what you plan to do. Good luck to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
wow i was surprised by all of this! you have to make up your own mind , but i wonder if its even worth saving. you deserve to be happy. you deserve a husband that adores you, not puts you down. the whole family sounds off, and dont let them drag you down. take care of yourself. sounds like its them against you.
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Avatar_n_tn
Just to come at this from a different perspective..  I was the child (now 37) of divorced parents myself and am compassionate to kids in this scenerio.   As much as you think that your husband is protecting his daughter and throwing you under the bus, he is doing or has done the same to his daughter.  He is probably playing both sides of the fence which gives you no opportunity to learn to trust eachother and become friends.  Men take the least path of resistance even if it means destroying possibilities of progress.  You need to take your husband out of the equation and develop an independent bond with his daughter.  Make sure there is a direct link between you and his daughter so there are no misunderstandings.  As hard as it seems right now, you married a man who had a daughter FIRST.  YOu knew when you married him that he had a daughter.  You ONLY KNOW HIS side of what life was like before you came along, and MUST FIND compassion so that girl has a chance to trust men herself when she is older.   As of now she is screwed.  You have a chance to help that girl.   PLEASE do NOT compete for attention or respect.  Assume your husband does not know how to handle the situation effectively but wants everything to be OK.  YOu need to be a bigger person, it is part of the RESPONSIBILITY that comes with marrying someone with children.  Kids of divorced parents DO NOT TRUST THEY WONT BE ABANDONED for a long time after their parents split.. irregardless of why they split.    
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