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Not sure what's right or wrong
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Not sure what's right or wrong

Heyya I'm 17 and my boyfriend 19 been together for 15months and well it's been an adventure in some ways a few months into our relationship I found he was controlling and possessive, not long till I started self Harming myself which made him angry with me a lot of the time months after he started hitting me which made me depressed a lot o the time and scared of him though jut a month back we made a promise to each other that if he stop hitting me I will stop self harming, only yesterday he broke it and hit me but made me swear on everything and his life I will not self harm but after thinking he stopped and I wasn't  having to worry about being scared again. After yesterday I am trying to not self harm but me being worried doesn't help and I dunno what he will do if he finds out If i self harmed what if he does hit me again I dunno what to do we are arguementive at each other alot, he really isn't a bad person hr really can show me he loves me but he does push the limit I dunno what to do I can make him angry because I am always negative and say things i dont mean to say but I really can't help it I dunno what to do and if I break up with him I'm scared he might do many stupid things to me and to himself but I don't want to leave him I dunno what to do please help
23 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  I can't get past that you are 17 and have a boyfriend that hits you.  I can't give you any advice other than it would be foolish to continue this situation for one second more.  I would like you to tell your parents that you're hit by someone, take verbal abuse, are controlled and manipulated and are depressed and cutting.  Come clean and tell her the depth of how bad it is.  Then she needs to set up some therapy for you as soon as possible.  Why do you feel you only deserve the kind of person that would treat you this way?  That is a deep subject to discuss with a therapist.  Because I promise you that if you do not sort this out, you will have a lifetime of despair, pain and fear.  

this boyfriend isn't worth my breath to say anything positve about.  I have no advice on how to continue what is clearly nothing but a dysfunctional situation.  

Please talk to your mother or a trusted adult and get help.  peace
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Avatar_f_tn
Heyya I know your right well I know but they think he has stopped and I have stopped but I can't do go though it with them again I'm scared of my parents and I'm scared of a lot of people these days I not very good on trust. But my mum has made me go to a place called cahms for my behavior recently but haven't started yet after all the talks I've had with my family including my boyfriend I don't wanna ho through it again tho if he doesn't hit me he hits himself so I let I kinda let him hit me. He does have a few anger issues but I really am scared what he might do if I left him I fear myself and him might be in worse than we are now thank you for your comment tho and I do agree with totally
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Avatar_f_tn
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way? In a relationship that is so abusive. He is not going to stop hitting you and one of these days he could go too far. A man that hits you can not possibly love you. How could he if is he is hurting you? You're only 17 years old and can walk away anytime you want. You have to put yourself and your safety first. He needs to work out his own problems.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I do know what you're saying and agree but I am scared to walk away and scared to stay and do not know how to walk away as I have never been in this situation before and am scared of what might happen if I do
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi and welcome. First things first,  No one, and i mean no one, has any God given right to put there hands on you, punch you, slap you or use any other type of manipulative behavior to force you and control you to see the world as they do. There is a accepted way for people to communicate and this is not one of them. You were and are your own person before you met him and will be the same long after hes gone.

He was hiting you before you were self harming and will continue hiting you after you stop. I tuely believe that you started self harming was to get him to stop hiting you. He has anger managment problems and uses violence to substitute  his lack and inability to communicate to you, and most likely anyone else.
You have to understand the deepness of the constant hiting you. This is a tool he uses and will use this tool not only for getting you to stop bad things, but since this tool works for him, he will use it to make you do all the things he see fit to do. He does not see you and him, he sees him and him and you are in his life to add to his ego. He picked you for a reason and i assure you he did not pick other girls because he knew they would call the police the first time this hiting started.

And i assure you right now, by the way you are approaching this issue, with him, it will only stop if you learn self defence and knock him on his butt the next time he takes a swing at you or call the police for Domestic Violence.
Do yourself a big favor and go find some nice and loving person who will hold you tight with love, touch your body with tenderness, please your body with moments of unbridled joy and affection, INSTEAD OF HITTING IT!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello and thank you he and told me about his pat girlfriends and appearntly one killed herself in front of him, and well he knows I'm scared of him he gets angry if I flinch when he moves sometimes, I do believe your right about him picking me because I'm an easy target because I don't have any good thing about me tbh, i agree with you all of you but I just don't know how to leave without thinking he might do something to me or himself. I am depressed and negative most of the time around him which doesn't help the situation but I can't help it, he does use the excuse he has his dad anger and the fact he has aspergers and can't help it I've tried asking him to see someone but he wont because he doesnt want anyone knowing but if you could give me some ideas on how to leave without him doing anything to me or himself that be great but I do thank you for your comment
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Avatar_f_tn
You,ve had good advice here, HoneyGirl.  Please listen.

It makes no sense to me that You're afraid to "walk away" and that You will stay with someone who hits You??
You're not afraid to stay with someone who You think is the cause of Your SelfHarm??  Someone who gets mad at You for hurting YourSelf so He hits You??  Does that mean He feels if anyone is going to hurt You, it ought to be Him??!!

Myself, I would be afraid of  Him AND what He brings out in You.  These are serious things and either way it comes down to YOU being the one who gets hurt!! - whether it's Him hurting You or You hurting YourSelf!!

I understand why one turns to self harm but I also know it's not a solution.  My heart is heavy to think You're more willing to continue this behavior and let Him continue His behavior towards You, than to seek help with Your own issues.  Your BoyFriends' issues belong to Him!!  They are His to fix.  You ARE NOT doing something good for either of You to "let" Him hit You so He won't hit HimSelf. He needs to be responsible for His own anger issues and You need to take care of YourSelf.
I agree You should tell Your Mom or another caring adult and let them help You seek proper therapy.
Good Luck
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973741_tn?1342346373
Honestly , if you value yourself so little that you think it is better for a 19 year old man to hit you instead of himself (hello . . .  not normal at all to hit himself either),  I don't think anyone on the internet can help you.  The problem is too deep and too complex.  

If you are unwilling to get help and your thinking is so distorted at this time to be safe, this is most unfortnate but there is nothing anyone here can say or do.  We can't help you with a boyfriend you should kick to the curb and never have a thing to do with again.  

I'd put up with a man laying one finger on me for about ZERO seconds.  So much as raise a fist at me--------  I'm self protective and I'm out of there and NEVER looking back.  You aren't self protective.  In fact, you offer it and feel his hitting you is better tha hurting himself.  This moves things into the area of your mental health being in question as well as his.  

Please seek help.  Your parents sent you someplace you don't like for 'behavior'.  If you can get some mental health help to sort out why you allow someone to treat you as this boyfriend, that would be most valuable.  Whether the place is pleasant or not.  

That is the only advice I can offer you.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you but im scared to walk away because I think if I do he might do twice as worse to me than he already does and I'm too scared to talk to my family and ive been counselloring and it has t helped that much I'm afraid to say my mum made me go to the doctors not too long ago and got me to go a place called cahms I think it called tho I haven't seen them yet but yes I'm more terrified to walk away than I am staying with him he might get worse if I walk away and I dunno what he might do he could be twice as worse and might not leave me alone there's a lot of thing I can think of he might do if I leave him he doesn't get worse he does bout same abuse but leaving him will make him worse I know it and I rather not see his worse I am thank ful for your help
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Chez, do you have any bruise marks on your body that would show he did it and not you, like on your back or the back of your arms from grab marks? You mentioned his prior girl friend killed herself in front of him is most likely not true and is trying his best to scare you, but if this is true you need to get the authorities involved now..
If the situation is this bad and your fear is this great then you might consider walking into your nearest police station and get the paper work started. There are laws to protect you and since all the recent homicides taking place lately from young boys with anger management problems, like the Connecticut school shooting, the police will take this very serious for sure.
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Avatar_f_tn
Your right I know I just thought I could get some answers but I am trying o seek help from a therapist but it's hard to get there for me buy believe me I'm working on it and I know I have no self esteem And I'm not very good at protecting myself I know but I just get scared easily it's just trying to work out how to leave making sure nothing bad happens thank you tho I will try to seek help
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973741_tn?1342346373
Are these posts in any way related to your other posts on the site about attention seeking?  Just curious.  

The story is worsening in that now you say that you are afraid to leave for fear he'll hurt you for it.  That is a police matter.  When you are not able to get away from someone because you fear bodily harm, you talk to the authorities.

BUT, as a 17 year old girl----  you actually start with your parents.  coming clean and telling them the extent of what you've said here.  If true, they will help you.  

You are very very young at 17.  You need the help of parents and I encourage all who post on this thread to remember that.  She needs her parents involved.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I do have a few on my legs and arms but I hate to say most of my cuts or kinda covering them And no I don't wanna get anyone involved I just find away to get away without being in trouble and that's it dont want no
Police, parents, family no one I too scared for that but I am trying
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973741_tn?1342346373
You post elsewhere that you are in residential college.  They often have counselors on premises for students.  Seek this help immediately.  
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973741_tn?1342346373
I think this is out of the scope of what we on the internet can do for you.  All we can do is encourage you to go to adults for help.  If you are unwilling to do so, that is very difficult to offer much else.  good luck dear
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes the attention seeking could be related but I have always felt like an attention seeker even talking to you makes me feel like an attention seeker. My boyfriend has called me an attention seeker a few times which made me think about myself and my family aren't easy to talk to these days but police I
Can't handle I have never been in a police matter and ne'er intend on it
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Avatar_f_tn
I know I just hoped I could find an answer which I did but just need to find the courage to do so but I am very grateful for your help and time
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973741_tn?1342346373
I'm happy to give my time and help in any way I can but it is only to encourage you to take action.  

What are you afraid of the police for?  They are there to help you.  And if someone is threatening you with physical force, that is a police matter.  

How else are you going to get away from someone threatening to hurt you?  I'm not sure what else you can do with the information you've given us.  If you are fearing that he will hurt you for trying to leave----  that is a very serious thing and you need help dear.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm scared of a fair few things and I just get worried getting the police involved is going to get me trouble and my grandad an ex policeman he did find out about all of this but thinks it all stopped and I just scared of people I find it hard to trust people theses days even the ones closest to me but I am very grateful but I will keep on trying and I'll make sure This gets sorted thank you so much
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973741_tn?1342346373
Talk to your grandad.  If he thinks it is sorted out and it's not----  he may have some ideas for you to get out of this to keep you safe.

Are you really ready to be done with this boyfriend?
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3149845_tn?1386354841
The path that life has set for us all is to tell the truth. The truth shall set you free. Fear no person only fear God. Look at history and what happened to those that did not stand up for themselves. History is a tool to use to help us make everyday decisions. Be a hero to yourself. Look at your body as something separate from you that is innocent and being threatened by a bully. Step up to the plate and defend this person and if it takes getting the police involved then so be it. Save that trusting body that you have and be a hero to yourself. Let your brave inner self teach this person that he has fooled with the wrong person.
Better to be injured from defense than injured from abuse.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think that your parents probably love you very much and would do whatever they needed to do to keep you safe. You are their child after all and that's such a special bond that they would help you.

You're so young and you have so much life ahead of you. It would be such a tragedy if you allowed this boy to continue controlling your destiny like this. You deserve happiness and kindness and love in your life. Whether or not you believe it, it's true. It's clear to me from your writing that you are an intelligent girl and you have a lot of potential for great things in your life. But only if you take control and get away from this boy and the toxic situation that you're in.

This situation is so very sad to me. I don't even know you but I'm so sad for you that you're in this. You need to break free from him. Your family will keep you safe and protect you. If he hurts himself then that's not your problem nor your concern. He would do it anyway because he is very sick in the head. He needs severe help but he won't do it. You also need major help and its time for you to go to your family and ask for help. You need to do this because its time to stop allowing yourself to be hurt like this anymore. Please go to your parents. Talk to them and tell them you need them and I can't imagine they would turn their back on you when you need them the most.
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Avatar_f_tn
I do appreciate all your comments so thank you but I just need to find te courage and do what's right to get me out of this, I'm sorry for the trouble but I am great ful for everyone's help
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