"Nudging" him down the aisle

[coconutgrass]

Hello,
My boyfriend and I are both in our early twenties, and have been together for a couple of years. Living together for a year and a half. We bought our first house together 6 months ago. We know that we want to get married next year, after he finishes his apprenticeship, however he's having a hard time actually proposing. He says he just doesn't feel ready yet. I know that finishing his apprenticeship is an important goal for him. He is also worried about how day to day life will change once we get married. I think he is afraid to lose his freedom. I don't think that our day to day life will change all that much, as we are already living like a married couple. So my question is, how can I ease his fears, and help him become more ready for marriage?

[teko]

If your significant other is putting anything above or infront of your relationship, there is a problem for long term success. If he is having a problem proposing, for whatever reason after this long, and he is still uncertain, the emotions and committment for a long term future are simply not there, no matter how bad you want it to be. Think with your head and not your heart. Your happiness and your future are depending on it.

[imanaddict]

He's nervous about something that is over a year away? I'm not sure what you could tell him to calm  his nerves. If he's already a nervous wreck about something that is so far ahead, I can't imagine what he'll be like when the time actually comes. Having pre-wedding jitters is normal so maybe you could start there. Also you two already live together so nothing is going to change except your last name.

[RockRose]

If you've both agreed to get married in June,  i don't understand what a "proposal is".  A proposal is when the guy asks the woman,  (or more rarely,  the woman asks the man) to marry,  and then they go from there making a decision on a time frame.

You already have a time.  What would he be proposing,  that he's not "ready" for yet?

[mami1323]

If he's asked you then he isn't nervous about it.  You can't really convince someone that marriage is best, they have to feel that on their own.  Perhaps have him speak to a counselor to ease his nervousness.  Is this from his own childhood that he's fearful of it?  He's got a warped perception of marriage because frankly nothing would change.  You said he wants his freedom but that is what I'm unsure about.  What freedom is he referring to?

[coconutgrass]

The thing is, we have decided we are getting married, and I don't think I pressured him to say that at all. We know that we will June next year, and try for kids the year after that. Its not the decision on whether to marry me or not that he has to make. I think its just nerves about marriage. I just want to know how to ease his nerves.

[Judy246]

also, the more you "nudge" him, the further he will step back. He's not ready and doesn't want marriage at this time, so time to re-evaluate you situation.

[Judy246]

The only person that you can change is yourself and he is just not ready to take the relationship to a higher level. Let this be a red flag or warning sign of what is ahead. He has become comforable with how the relationship is and why get married when he already has all the comforts of a marriage minus vows at home. I think it's time to re-evaluate the relationship or find the right time to discuss your future concerns. Put the burden on him to response. Ask him where does he see "us" in 5 years and the answer should give you an idea to where you stand. Good Luck. Judy

[specialmom]

My perspective on this is that I want the man I marry to be excited about asking me.  To have him feel in his heart that he is making the best decision and he just can't wait to have me as his wife.  I would never want to start a marriage having to had to reason with him why it is a good thing or talk him into it.  That is just my opinion.  It is much better to marry a man that has come to the conclusion himself that he wants me as his wife than to have coaxed him into it.  

Indications are that he wants to be committed with you and he will most likely come to the conclusion of marriage himself---------  I wouldn't say  another word about it.  If he hasn't proposed in a year, I'd go ahead and make plans to move on as he doesn't see marriage as a valuable thing for him.  You deserve to be with someone excited to make that committment to you.  goodluck

[RockRose]

I think you're looking at this from the opposite direction you should be.  

You're asking what you can do to convince him to marry you,  over his unwillingness,  and I think you should make up your own mind what you want to do with your life,  and inform him.  

This is your life,  and you have a right to make your decisions.  If you want to be married,  say,  in 2 years,  inform him of that and see how that goes.  

This is the problem,  coconut,  with moving in and buying a house.  He's got what he wants,  and there is no incentive at all for him to commit further.    Couples who live together before marriage have a much higher rate of divorce - basically because one or both doesn't really want to completely commit.