Odd daddy-daughter relationship?

[Macycheese]

Just a brief backstory - my husband of almost 16 years just recently got in touch with his now 18 year old daughter. He hadn't seen her since she was 6 (due to a nasty custody battle and his Exwife not allowing it and moving across the country). Well him and his daughter have been in touch for about 3 weeks now. She's planning a visit in a week.

Since they have been back in touch they text each other almost 24 hours a day every day. I let him know how pre-occupied he is and that even when we do things (celebrate our sons birthday) that he is so busy texting he isn't paying any mind. He denied talking to her and even deletes all the text logs. In 10 days they exchanged 2000 texts.

I thought it would die down but it's so bad that I don't see an end in sight. I feel like I've lost my husband and he's so secretive about it and the constant lies don't help.

How long do you wait for it to settle down? I'm glad they have reconnected but he has a wife and 2 sons he doesn't pay any mind to anymore.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with AnnieBrook, RockRose, and SpecialMom.  I would suggest that He may be lying and hiding His texts with His Daughter because You are expressing such dismay - He might think it's easier to lie to You than to argue with You.  I too, think it's a wonderful thing for Him to be re-united with His Daughter and it would be just as wonderful if She were to be welcomed by His Wife and 2 Sons.

[specialmom]

Truthfully, while I understand how this is aggravating, this is a HUGE deal.  A father and daughter reunited?  Oh my gosh.  That's a wonderful thing to be encouraged.  How do you catch up quickly on so many lost years of knowing one another?  I would be VERY patient and if it is a deal breaker for you to have his adult daughter a very significant and frequent part of his life, I find that problematic.  Now, I don't know the particulars of why they lost touch at 6  years old . . .  you say a custody issue.  But as a parent, I'd figure out a way to see my child . . . which he did not.  Maybe the mon is tough and made it very difficult.  Don't know.  But what I DO know is that this young woman was RIPPED off from a very significant figure in a person's life.  

I personally would love your partner through this and encourage him to be a man of strong character.  Putting a child he lost touch with as his priority for a while is not too much to ask or too much for someone who loves that person to give.  In my opinion.  good luck

[RockRose]

My guess is,  after she visits this will die down - if only because she won't be as interested.  This seems like kind of what your husband does - he attaches compulsively in an inappropriate way.  But few 18 year olds want to spend most of their time texting a parent,  although in her case it's probably assuaging some of the pain of his abandonment of her.

[AnnieBrooke]

This should die down if they just got into contact recently.  How long is "recently?"  If this has been happening for a week that is different than if it has been happening for a year.

[Macycheese]

You think so? It's been going on for almost a month. I wasn't sure if it was just them trying to build a relationship before her arrival or a weird daddy/daughter attention dependency. It would be sad to throw away 16 years of marriage over this but the fact that he lies about talking to her and deletes the texts throw up all sorts of red flags. He behaved similarly when he was having some sort of emotional affair with a lady across the country.

[AnnieBrooke]

If you do throw away 16 years of marriage over it, I assume it would not be just you up and walking away, I assume you would tell him that the two of you need counseling and would put in a lot of effort first to save the marriage.  

If he is in the habit (or has done it more than once) of getting close to someone online, it is because some kind of need he has is not being met in his life.  Not necessarily you, but something more general perhaps is not satisfying for him.  I could see you being concerned about that.  

You are focused (kind of accusingly) on him hiding things, deleting the texts and denying how much he does it.  Him deleting the texts is not the issue -- if I was texting someone and my husband was on my case about it, I would probably begin to try to minimize how much I am seen to be doing it too.  Nobody likes to be criticized.

The real issue is, why is he texting so compulsively?  What gap in his life is it filling?  That would be a legitimate concern for a spouse.  The fact that he gets this way and goes on texting binges seems to indicate more of a want or need that he has that he can't control.