My fiancé’s & I are about to go on a trip back home. Every time we go, I make sure I see his mother. I talk, hug, & share what's been going on with her. Well, my mom loves my fiancé very much & loves when we visit. But he never stays to visit with her OR ANY OF MY FAMILY. In fact I made arrangements so that I could be covered at work for us to go to our friend's wedding in St. Charles. (which is about an hour from where both of our families live & we'll be so busy our visiting time will be VERY LIMIITED) Before I didn't even have time to tell him that I got the days off for sure! He had already called his friends. EVERY TIME we go he wants to take HIS car so that he can leave me at one place (my parents house) while he does all of the visiting with our friends. He expects me to spend more than just one visit w/ his mom no matter how limited our time is... but he will only sleep, eat, & get ready at my family's house.
(If any of you read my previous post you know that my fiancé’s is obsessed with hanging out with friends)
These friends that he wants to hang out with so bad always ignore his phone calls. HE IS A SEEKER. He will call & call. He doesn't know when to give up & if he doesn't get his way he spends the rest of the day in a bad mood. (I don't think this has some weird answer or hidden explanation behind it) He's just what many pop psychologists consider a "seeker".
How do I make him want to seek that relationship with my family instead?
My Grandma & my Mom think that him & his family think they are "too good" since they've got the Brady Bunch's family life compared to ours. I don't know why it happens but when someone in your family is attacked w/ an illness, falls victim of rape, or decides to rebel against the others in the family... WHAT EVER IT IS, IT CAUSES THIS HUGE DOMINO'S EFFECT that can cause SUCH A MESS!
My papa has ALS & he's on his 4th year so now he can't move any muscles (including his tongue) so he can't speak or even turn his neck to look at you. Since all he can really do is watch T.V. & listen to people his neck has been stuck towards his big flat screen :) (which he's super proud of) in his bedroom. You actually have to walk across the room and around to the other side of his bed in order for him to see you. Well I told my man to make sure he AT LEAST said Hi to my papa. I FORGET TO MENTION, He can move his right arm still! Well every time my papa would see my fiancé EVEN WHEN HE COULD STILL SPEAK & express himself in other ways... MY PAPA always made an effort to stand up and shake his hand. Well, Tommy not only didn't try to give him a lil hand shake w/ his good arm but he didn't even walk to the other side of the bed whenever we were home last. It really hurt my feelings.
I KNOW IT'S A HARD QUESTION TO ANSWER because my family doesn't sound like the most exciting people in the entire world, but I love them & want my fiancé to love them too... or at least want to spend time with them...
HOW CAN I MAKE IT SOUND MORE APPEALING or HOW CAN I CONVINCE HIM THAT MY FAMILY IS MORE IMPORTANT to visit THAN THE FRIENDS THAT BLOW HIM OFF & DITCH HIM EVERY TIME?
I would think you and your fiance are going to have major problems in the future. If he can not take time out to spend with your family, maybe he is not the right kind of person for you. I know when they say you marry the perso you really don't you marry their families also. If you want a peaceful life in the future you need wo work out these problems know. For when your dad passes on you will need someone strong to be there and support your emotional needs and the needs of your family--he does not sound like that person--or he seriously needs help.
I agree with the above poster. You cannot make someone feel the way you want them to. It should just come naturally. If it doesn't, red flag for future disappointments. When you love someone you have to accept them, and their families for the way they are. You cannot make them change into the person you would like them to be. I see problems in your future if you don't resolve these things now. My guess is that these aren't going to be easy to resolve. I think you are both so young...just not ready for the type of serious commitment, family, friends, the whole package. Maybe you just aren't meant for each other. Or maybe it will just take time and meeting each other halfway.
You can't "make" your family seem more appealing or make him want to spend time with them. He may feel very uncomfortable around a seriously ill person, too. Many people are.
He sounds insecure in any event, taking in to consideration always seeking out friends who don't seem to want to have a lot to do with him, and also with his issuing ultimatums about what you will and will not wear.
You didn't want to hear my opinion before, and I expect you won't this time, either.
Good luck in the future. You are wise to have a long engagement to this man.
Thank you. I do appriciate ALL of your answers. :) ...very much.
I asked for it, & I'll try to get what I can out of it to use in my everyday life.
I hope he is just uncomfortable. Thanks for the good luck wishes & the total compliment! :)
"I know when they say you marry the perso you really don't you marry their families also."
What do you mean by that?
If you mean that we are marrying eachothers family (by marrying eachother) I can definately understand why it would be a problem for us to be married... because he doesn't have a good personal relationship with my family.
(but if you meant for me to get something else out of that, please specify.)
"both so young...just not ready for the type of serious commitment"
YOU'RE RIGHT. That's why we are waiting so long before we tie the knot.
Hopefully that time will be enough for him to get to know my family better & for us to mature in our relationship.
My life consists of mostly love & tenderness at home. I'm sorry that I haven't been very clear on my feelings for him. I DO LOVE HIM WITH ALL OF MY HEART (that's why I've been very defensive before in previous posts) We spend most of our time at home loving on eachother, laughing w/ eachother, & just being young (even tho it's been years) we still have that total PUPPY love for eachother (butterflies... the whole deal) IT'S JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE... We have times where we disagree, or run into obsticles, & before I go out of my way to tear them down or attack these "problems" myself. I would like some WORDS FROM THE WISE (and more experienced) WOMEN (and men) & other points of view ABOUT HOW TO "GO ABOUT" THINGS AT HOME.
Like I said before (in previous posts)... I don't have a lot of good friends.
THANK YOU JENSHIM FOR HELPING ME REALIZE THAT I DO NEED THEM.
mature_enough, these ARE words from the wise and more experienced people on how to go about things at home. If you don't want to hear the answer to 2 + 2 = 4, then you're in the wrong place. It sounds like you already know what you want to hear, and it's not consistent with the reality of your situation.
There are people out there who will like you and your family for who they are already. Your fiance is not one of those people. And your situation is NOT like everyone else - don't normalize how your fiance treats you. It is NOT normal and healthy.
Everyone here on this forum has experienced people in their life who did not like things about them. Read their posts and replies to other people's posts.
My advice: stop basing your life on somebody else. Stop basing the worth of your family on how your fiance sees them. Be there for your family, and decide whether you can be happy with someone who is not supportive of your family. And NO, someone who says "I support you" and then leaves is NOT being supportive - they're lying.
The poster's advice here may seem harsh, but take some time to think about how it may apply to your life. You have no need to be defensive, as no one is accusing you of not loving this person. If anything, the posters here are concerned about how loved you really are by this important person in your life. Love shows in actions, and your fiance does not act like he loves you. If he did, you would have nothing to defend here.
you're very right on what you say, but haveing been in her shoes i can honestly say i understand
it's hard to see that he is controlling and playing mind games. it's hard to notice how he is one way in public and very much more affectionate and loving in private. the private closeness is going to probably keep her there for a bit longer.
i really hope this guy realizes what he has and does try to change. i know the reality i had to face up to was not so great and i hate to see anyone else do it.
mature_enough... i really wish you both the best, but please try to be alert and watch for any more "hypocritical" behaviors. they tend to snowball. good luck :)
I'm sorry but I see trouble ahead for you two. This guy is selfish, insecure and immature. To keep calling friends that don't want to have anything to do with him and then be upset when they don't call, well, I can understand why they don't call him back. And the fact that he isn't even nice to your family???? He is showing no manners or respect.
You're young and pretty, move on from him. I agree with the other posters that you can "change" anything - your fiance or your family. I only see trouble ahead if you get married. Then you will have wasted more years, maybe had some kids, it will be harder to get out of at that point. If you chose to stay and keep trying to change things, well, good luck to ya.
I hear what you're saying. Sometimes people need to hear the same advice over and over again until one day it finally clicks. We all do that. That's why some of us come back here - hopefully to be reminded of that little piece of insight that we just couldn't make sense of at the time.
"I KNOW IT'S A HARD QUESTION TO ANSWER" (like I said before)
It's not as simple as 2+2=4
"HOW CAN I MAKE IT SOUND MORE APPEALING or HOW CAN I CONVINCE HIM THAT MY FAMILY IS MORE IMPORTANT to visit THAN THE FRIENDS THAT BLOW HIM OFF & DITCH HIM EVERY TIME?"
THAT'S THE QUESTION I ASKED.
If you don't know... then don't answer.
If there is no answer... then I'm going to spend my time with my family when we go back home & he will spend it with his friends.
(I'm not going to leave him over it.)
Yes you're right I do know what I want to hear... The answer to the question I asked!!!
I didn't ask anything about if you thought my fianc'e is not the one for me... No wonder I have to be defensive!!! I don't get off subject to tell you that you are A HUGE BLOB (not that you are... just trying to trigger the emotions I get when someone suggests I made the wrong choice by saying YES to him.)
Oh, & if you think you are experienced enough to answer my question... THEN HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT NOT EVERYONE ELSE has times when they disagree or they run into obsticles with thier partner? You must not get out much... believe me, it's very normal.
MY FIANC'E IS MY FUTURE... HOW CAN I NOT BASE PART OF MY LIFE ON HIM? You have to make plans with your life in order to get somewhere & I plan on marrying HIM. (& it's obvious he is not the only concern in my life, otherwise I wouldn't be worried about my family) Believe me, I have a ton of interests & concerns besides him. But he plays a very important part in my life (as my future husband & eventually my children's father) & he played an EXTREMELY important part in my past.
& I don't know where you got the idea that I based the worth of my family on how my fianc'e see them... MY FAMILY MEANS THE ENTIRE WORLD TO ME. I just want him to show the same love to them as I do.
Sorry that you didn't understand & thanks for the efforts.
Make no mistake, I think marrying this guy will not end happily, either. That's why I'm glad you have a long engagement planned.
Telling you what you can and cannot wear, not wanting to spend time with your family, and wanting to spend time with friends away from you does not add up to a mature, confident man who can step up to the selfless giving that a marriage always entails of both partners.
Best of luck with your very difficult problem. I wish your Dad all the best, too.
Here's the answer to your question: You can't. You can't make anyone like somebody else.
"Oh, & if you think you are experienced enough to answer my question... THEN HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT NOT EVERYONE ELSE has times when they disagree or they run into obsticles with thier partner? You must not get out much... believe me, it's very normal."
No, it's not normal for someone who loves you to not support you in the simple act of visiting your family with you, especially a sick loved one. It's not normal for your partner to put his "friends" before you all the time. Just as with your other post, it's also not normal for someone to decide what you wear. It's unhealthy unbehavior.
You are an important young woman who needs support. You are not getting support from this person you are relying on. That's what every poster here is concerned about. Take some time to read other people's posts. That will probably help you find the most insight on your situation.
I'm new to this board...and I have only read this particular post of yours, but I have to tell you that you are headed for misery with this guy. He is selfish, and uncaring. You cannot change him...ever...it doesn't work that way. He will always put others ahead of you. Always. Who he is today is who he will be 1 or 5 or 10 or more years from now, only worse. He is a controller. If you really think you love him, and not the idea of being in love with him, I would seriously consider some therapy before marrying him.
If this guy loved you, he would be far more respectful and understanding of your wishes, would be more in tune with your family. This guys loves this guy.
I just wanted to add something here. You've gotten great responses so far to your post.
You sound very young and hopeful, and from the sounds of it, you're going to stay with this guy no matter what. But listen to these posters. Their advice is really a WARNING for what's in store with this relationship further down the road. You could save yourself a big heartache if you could just really HEAR how you sound and then really SEE what these other posters have written back to you. But you won't listen therefore you're going to go through some pretty bad stuff. Maybe you have to in order to learn this lesson, I don't really know.
I was in the same boat as you once. I stayed with someone for a long time and avoided seeing the real him although everything was in plain sight. I wasted 8 years of my life. Actually more because it took me a long time to get over it all. That's time I'll never get back.
I do realize that going through what I did made me smarter and I wouldn't know what I know today if I didn't make that mistake. Still, I wish in some ways I had the time back and if I could, I would do it all differently.
You will probably have to go through this relationship before you see the truth about him. Love isn't a feeling, it's actions and the actions he is showing are not loving ones.
This is all I have to say on this issue. Still, I really do wish you well.
I want to know why you are being so defensive. No one here is trying to attack you about this. We're just being honest about things. I agree with everyone about him being selfish and insecure. There is absolutely no way to make your family sound more appealing and you shouldn't have to. As your future husband he should feel obligated and privileged to know the people you are a product of. It is not fair for him to ask that you dedicate your time to his family when you visit them, but he refuses to do the same.
You are absolutely right about all couples going through problems, but this one is major because it leads to other problems- mainly regarding his selfishness. It has nothing to do with him finding your family appealing or not, it's out of respect for you. Even if your family was the most jacked up family in the world, he should still make an attempt to get to know them and acknowledge them.
It breaks my heart to hear that your fiance wouldn't even show respect to your sick grandfather. I would be appalled by my fiance's behavior if he did that. Your grandfather is disabled, yet he made an effort to get up and shake his hand (when he could), but your fiance doesn't even acknowledge him? If he has a Brady Bunch type family then he should know how important family is, but it sounds like he really doesn't get it. I would think twice about it because if he doesn't see it now I wonder what he would RATHER DO then spend time with his own family when he has one (kids, I mean.)
Just think about it because it seems like you are putting more of an effort into this relationship then your fiance is when a marriage is all about 50/50 and that includes everything. It doesn't mean that you should just accept it and give in when he wants to be selfish. Oh, and to answer your question... there isn't an answer to that question.
What I meant by my comment was--just because you marry the person--you feel his family or your family will not be involved in your life wrong. You each marry into the family. I know I am lucky I get along with my in-laws very well. There are times my Husband will make a comment about my family and I will get irratated--but we realize they are in our lives and we have to accept each of them and their faults. Both families live within 15 minutes of us--and so we see them regularly--we have children so they are involved in our life. I think as you grow your family is even more involved than say when you are a college studen or young adult just out of college--when you spread your wings--but as you grow it all comes full circle and you are in each other lives and depend on each other for support. I don't know if I am saying this right. But you sound like you need your family (which is good), he may not feel this way about family and I don't think that will mesh for a long life together.
He needs to grow up! He should know how lucky is to have you. Relationships take sacrfices and it seems like you are on a one way street to nowhere. You need to tell him like it is. He either takes your feelings in consideration are get the heck out of dodge. Relationships are 100/100 ! Both give 100%, 100% percent of the time. He is only giving half! As for long term you will be misserable. Your family has been with you your whole life and he has just joined with one foot in and one foot out. You need to decide if this is worth it for the long haul. Time for a chat with Mr Wrong in my opinion. He seems to be one sided. If he refuses to invest time in you, than find someone who will.
My fiance was like that too with my family. It was for 2 reasons. 1 being that they didnt see any common interests so once I pointed out a few to my hunny, they really conected. (now thats all they talk about) the second was that my family didn get to close to him because they thoguht he would leave me or hurt me in some way. Once I sat downa dn said look weve been together for so long, hes a good guy, give him a chance. and they did! Give it a try, i know what its like, it *****. It got better for me thought so keep positive and try to make it work, otherwise it makes for an akward situation.
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