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One day I love my girlfriend, the next I never want to see her again
Problem: One day I love this girl so much, the next (when issues arise or a comment she makes doesn't sit well), I want to run for the hills.
I'll try to give as much background as I can (in no particular order):
- We are in our forties (both with ex's and a string of bad relationships)
- We've dated for 3 months now (rocky the whole way)
- She has one small child, I've never had any.
- Relationship started with a lie (her saying she was single, but was living with another - see next point)
- She left her ex-boyfriend for me and he has now turned into a psycho stalker (we've filed a restraining order on him due to death threats and constant attempts to contact her/me)
- Her ex-husband is actively in her life (because of the child), but makes her feel worthless and does small things that strain her emotionally
- She is the most patient, caring, understanding, unselfish and loving woman I've ever met
- Child I think has some learning/social disability, has been spoiled (read mamma's boy), and as such can be quite the handful at times.
- She said she's always been the one in a relationship with the tendancy to run
- I know I have abandonment issues from childhood. One in particular: parents leaving me at a hospital as a child for an entire week (without any contact), while I underwent knee surgery due to an accident.
- My 5yr marriage ended due to my abusive nature - which I've undergone counselling for.
- My last relationship was successful for me in overcoming abusiveness, but she was the abusive one. Accused me of cheating, lying, she played games, she was mean, selfish, hot-headed, etc. Professional councelling confirmed a "borderline
personality" disorder with her. I walked away about 10 times in 1.5 years before committing to leaving her.
- I've lived with a horrible insecurity my whole life (my manhood size) and at times it cripples me emotionally (even though no bad comment has ever been said, and internet studies confirm I'm slightly below "average"). It's effected ALL relationships I've had and now this one (both emotionally and in sexual gratification).
I'm educated and very self-aware. My opinion on the whole thing can be summed up: "Trailer Park". So many bad issues - logically I should not be with her. But I have a very strong respect for this woman (first in my life), a deep love of WHO she is, and I've never known a more unselfish/giving person.
Despite everything, I feel that she is the type of person that would suit my style to allow me to overcome alot of fears/insecurities and promote a successful long-term relationship.
But I can't handle the feelings of loving her more than life itself on one day, and then falling asleep with her the next thinking "I can't wait till the day I dump her ass".
Any thoughts/comments would be welcomed.
I'll try to give as much background as I can (in no particular order):
- We are in our forties (both with ex's and a string of bad relationships)
- We've dated for 3 months now (rocky the whole way)
- She has one small child, I've never had any.
- Relationship started with a lie (her saying she was single, but was living with another - see next point)
- She left her ex-boyfriend for me and he has now turned into a psycho stalker (we've filed a restraining order on him due to death threats and constant attempts to contact her/me)
- Her ex-husband is actively in her life (because of the child), but makes her feel worthless and does small things that strain her emotionally
- She is the most patient, caring, understanding, unselfish and loving woman I've ever met
- Child I think has some learning/social disability, has been spoiled (read mamma's boy), and as such can be quite the handful at times.
- She said she's always been the one in a relationship with the tendancy to run
- I know I have abandonment issues from childhood. One in particular: parents leaving me at a hospital as a child for an entire week (without any contact), while I underwent knee surgery due to an accident.
- My 5yr marriage ended due to my abusive nature - which I've undergone counselling for.
- My last relationship was successful for me in overcoming abusiveness, but she was the abusive one. Accused me of cheating, lying, she played games, she was mean, selfish, hot-headed, etc. Professional councelling confirmed a "borderline
personality" disorder with her. I walked away about 10 times in 1.5 years before committing to leaving her.
- I've lived with a horrible insecurity my whole life (my manhood size) and at times it cripples me emotionally (even though no bad comment has ever been said, and internet studies confirm I'm slightly below "average"). It's effected ALL relationships I've had and now this one (both emotionally and in sexual gratification).
I'm educated and very self-aware. My opinion on the whole thing can be summed up: "Trailer Park". So many bad issues - logically I should not be with her. But I have a very strong respect for this woman (first in my life), a deep love of WHO she is, and I've never known a more unselfish/giving person.
Despite everything, I feel that she is the type of person that would suit my style to allow me to overcome alot of fears/insecurities and promote a successful long-term relationship.
But I can't handle the feelings of loving her more than life itself on one day, and then falling asleep with her the next thinking "I can't wait till the day I dump her ass".
Any thoughts/comments would be welcomed.
Hey loyash, it sounds like there's a lot of crazy stuff going on here. It doesn't sound to me like you're trying to parent the child - it sounds more like there's a child in your life right now and you're not sure to handle it. Don't feel embarrassed about that. If you're serious about the relationship think about attending a single parent's support group and getting some help as to what your role as "mom's boyfriend" is. With lots of single parents around these days, your situation is not so uncommon.
As far as leaving your new girlfriend goes, abandoning is only going to fuel abandonment issues for both of you. Ask yourself, would you love somebody less if you knew they were going to die tomorrow? It's a chance everyone takes, and it will take real courage to stick through it. If you run from this problem with her, you're likely to run into it again with someone else. It sounds like you two are on the same page - keep talking to her and working through it. And don't forget that sometimes we make things come true because we believe them so much - we might be so scared of being abandoned that we'd rather just get it over with. Try focussing on believing that you two are happy and strong together. Hope this helps!
As far as leaving your new girlfriend goes, abandoning is only going to fuel abandonment issues for both of you. Ask yourself, would you love somebody less if you knew they were going to die tomorrow? It's a chance everyone takes, and it will take real courage to stick through it. If you run from this problem with her, you're likely to run into it again with someone else. It sounds like you two are on the same page - keep talking to her and working through it. And don't forget that sometimes we make things come true because we believe them so much - we might be so scared of being abandoned that we'd rather just get it over with. Try focussing on believing that you two are happy and strong together. Hope this helps!
"If all men who have struggled were misogynists, there would be no heterosexuals in the whole world."
That's just great. Wonderful comment. Your ignorance knows no bounds, "JohnnyV." Really.
Misogyny infects our culture. It has nothing to do with one's gender or their sexual preferences. In women, men, gays, lesbians, transgender - misogyny is found throughout society.
Misogyny also has a range of actions, behaviors, and beliefs - from intense hatred to subtle disdain, such as, oh, I don't know, saying that women who condone other women leaving relationships with addicts probably "aren't MARRIED" and aren't "real women" because they don't "stand by their man."
Sound familiar?
That's just great. Wonderful comment. Your ignorance knows no bounds, "JohnnyV." Really.
Misogyny infects our culture. It has nothing to do with one's gender or their sexual preferences. In women, men, gays, lesbians, transgender - misogyny is found throughout society.
Misogyny also has a range of actions, behaviors, and beliefs - from intense hatred to subtle disdain, such as, oh, I don't know, saying that women who condone other women leaving relationships with addicts probably "aren't MARRIED" and aren't "real women" because they don't "stand by their man."
Sound familiar?
Wow, it sounds like you are in an intense situation. All I can say is that your past may be causing you to have a skewed understanding of how most relationships work. You love her, you hate her -- that's no so unusual. Most relationships have ups and downs. You fight and make up. If you're lucky you don't hurt each other in the ups and downs, but learn and make your relationship stronger.
There is no perfect relationship out there. Because you've been burned in the past, you may be overly quick to think that this, too, is another train wreck ("why does this always happen to me?") Work through your problems moment by moment, always focusing on the specific thing that's bugging or inspiring you, without turning each difficulty into a long review of the past.
Having read your post, I don't see any misogyny and I have no idea why people have accused you of hating women. You sound like someone who's had a difficult romantic past, and that describes a lot of us. If all men who have struggled were misogynists, there would be no heterosexuals in the whole world.
J
There is no perfect relationship out there. Because you've been burned in the past, you may be overly quick to think that this, too, is another train wreck ("why does this always happen to me?") Work through your problems moment by moment, always focusing on the specific thing that's bugging or inspiring you, without turning each difficulty into a long review of the past.
Having read your post, I don't see any misogyny and I have no idea why people have accused you of hating women. You sound like someone who's had a difficult romantic past, and that describes a lot of us. If all men who have struggled were misogynists, there would be no heterosexuals in the whole world.
J
I think the best advice was by whoever said 3 months is still the "having fun and getting to know you" stage. Ain't that the truth. I think the OP is pressuring not only himself, but this woman, because of his desire to be in a long-term relationship.
Look, we all want that "special" person in our lives. I know I do. I'm in a fairly new relationship myself, and while it's not perfect, we have a lot that we both feel is valuable enough to keep us together. And we are both high communicators (surprise!), so neither one of us hesitates to bring up issues or concerns. I'm probably around your age - in my 40s, and I've been around the block. And I've blown it plenty during my life in my relationships.
I think this need to have everything "work out" with someone you meet can be especially acute in those who truly have abandonment issues from their childhoods. For women, the "abandonment" often is a father figure or paternal role model who didn't express appropriate loving, nonjudgmental, positive feelings, which leaves girls feeling like they "aren't good enough." That's abandonment. Abandonment takes many forms. You say you were left in a hospital (presumably not left to die there), but I'm guessing that this incident is simply an "identified" incident in your past that you define as your "abandonment." That's physical abandonment, and of course that can be life-changing down the road. Much abandonment, however, is not physical, in the sense that the role models are absent or disappear, it's that they don't express appropriate emotions towards the child, so the child is unable to internalize her own intrinsic value. The result? You walk into adulthood feeling like you are not worthy of being loved, and it shows every time you get involved with somebody - until you start working on it.
So I'm guessing that the hospital incident was one chapter of abandonment in your life. However, I would imagine that this form of abandonment might lead - might, I'm saying - lead to more "somatization" behavior rather than playing itself out in your relationships. In other words, you get sick a lot, you somatize and end up with one of the functional disorders, or you somehow require a reward (psychological) for having someone caretaking you. That's just how I see it. So I think there might be more that we are not reading about here. Which is fine. Something to think about, that's all.
I wanted to add that I've dated plenty of men in my life who had kids, and given my dating history, we are talking all ages of kids here - little ones, teens, adult children. I'm trying to recall if I even met the kids after 3 months of dating. I think it took longer than 3 months for me to meet them. It seems like these men wanted to see how the relationship shook out before they involved their children with me. That's understandable. I'd probably be that way too. Adult kids - maybe not so much. The last guy I was with had college-age kids, but I didn't meet them until later because they didn't live around here.
I'm all for having plenty of healthy adults involved in kids' lives. But most parents who are out there dating know that a "hit parade" of partners coming through the household can possibly set up a child to bond and then be hurt if that person doesn't work out in the relationship and you stop contact.
Look, we all want that "special" person in our lives. I know I do. I'm in a fairly new relationship myself, and while it's not perfect, we have a lot that we both feel is valuable enough to keep us together. And we are both high communicators (surprise!), so neither one of us hesitates to bring up issues or concerns. I'm probably around your age - in my 40s, and I've been around the block. And I've blown it plenty during my life in my relationships.
I think this need to have everything "work out" with someone you meet can be especially acute in those who truly have abandonment issues from their childhoods. For women, the "abandonment" often is a father figure or paternal role model who didn't express appropriate loving, nonjudgmental, positive feelings, which leaves girls feeling like they "aren't good enough." That's abandonment. Abandonment takes many forms. You say you were left in a hospital (presumably not left to die there), but I'm guessing that this incident is simply an "identified" incident in your past that you define as your "abandonment." That's physical abandonment, and of course that can be life-changing down the road. Much abandonment, however, is not physical, in the sense that the role models are absent or disappear, it's that they don't express appropriate emotions towards the child, so the child is unable to internalize her own intrinsic value. The result? You walk into adulthood feeling like you are not worthy of being loved, and it shows every time you get involved with somebody - until you start working on it.
So I'm guessing that the hospital incident was one chapter of abandonment in your life. However, I would imagine that this form of abandonment might lead - might, I'm saying - lead to more "somatization" behavior rather than playing itself out in your relationships. In other words, you get sick a lot, you somatize and end up with one of the functional disorders, or you somehow require a reward (psychological) for having someone caretaking you. That's just how I see it. So I think there might be more that we are not reading about here. Which is fine. Something to think about, that's all.
I wanted to add that I've dated plenty of men in my life who had kids, and given my dating history, we are talking all ages of kids here - little ones, teens, adult children. I'm trying to recall if I even met the kids after 3 months of dating. I think it took longer than 3 months for me to meet them. It seems like these men wanted to see how the relationship shook out before they involved their children with me. That's understandable. I'd probably be that way too. Adult kids - maybe not so much. The last guy I was with had college-age kids, but I didn't meet them until later because they didn't live around here.
I'm all for having plenty of healthy adults involved in kids' lives. But most parents who are out there dating know that a "hit parade" of partners coming through the household can possibly set up a child to bond and then be hurt if that person doesn't work out in the relationship and you stop contact.
I agree, that by you being in this child's life and your relationship being so "rocky", it is only going to cause detrimental harm once this child and you create a bond. You both should have really solidified things in your relationship before you were introduced to her child. The last thing she would want is a revolving door of men in this child's life. Seeing that you and her have major issues and now the child is involved it is not only going to affect the relationship you have with her but also with the child if things do not work out. It is too late to say this shouldn't have happened but I think that there is way too much pressure on this relationship. Try taking a step back and not worry so much on if you love her, if you don't love her, should you stay or should you leave. Enjoy the time you have with one another. If it leads to something more serious than that's great but if it doesn't than it's just another learning experience.
I know what it's like to want to be with someone but dating should be fun and carefree. The benefits of it all is possibly meeting the right one but not all of them work out that way. You shouldn't go into these dating experiences with the thought of is this the one for me. Just go in and say, I'm going to hang out and enjoy getting to know this person. Relax a little. With your fears and her fears, it's just a pot of water boiling and waiting to spill out the top. Eventually someone is going to get burned by that water. I know that maybe my analogy was corny but I'm just going to keep going with it. What you should do right now is turn down the burner and let the water simmer a little. Calm down, enjoy this wonderful woman in your life, even if it isn't for the long haul. Be grateful that you have met someone who might make a difference in your life.
I know what it's like to want to be with someone but dating should be fun and carefree. The benefits of it all is possibly meeting the right one but not all of them work out that way. You shouldn't go into these dating experiences with the thought of is this the one for me. Just go in and say, I'm going to hang out and enjoy getting to know this person. Relax a little. With your fears and her fears, it's just a pot of water boiling and waiting to spill out the top. Eventually someone is going to get burned by that water. I know that maybe my analogy was corny but I'm just going to keep going with it. What you should do right now is turn down the burner and let the water simmer a little. Calm down, enjoy this wonderful woman in your life, even if it isn't for the long haul. Be grateful that you have met someone who might make a difference in your life.
I know I keep saying this but you are so smart. You always have it right on the button. Every post I read I just keep saying to myself your smart, you give such good advise let me tell you I have any problems Ill be going to you. You have a good head on your shoulder. Keep up the good work
Totally agree with your posts.....
Circle the date in red on your calendar, sister. And I think I will make a t-shirt to go with my "I heart Peek" one.
I get really annoyed with someone popping into a child's life and wanting to discipline said child.
Circle the date in red on your calendar, sister. And I think I will make a t-shirt to go with my "I heart Peek" one.
I get really annoyed with someone popping into a child's life and wanting to discipline said child.
You're welcome:) I hope things work out!
I am wondering if her son is getting speech services at school. In addition, there could be a number of things contributing to his behavior: lack of steady father figure, learning disability, frustration over not being able to adequately express himself, etc. If he has not been evaluated by a school psychologist and and speech therapist, I would ask mother to consider pushing her parental rights in the school to make sure he receives the services that he may be entitled to receive. At 9 years old, he should be receiving speech therapy on a weekly basis in school (hopefully several times per week). In addition, if he is performing very, low academically speaking, he may in fact have a learning disability that has not been diagnosed. I don't think he is autistic, but then again I don't know him. I do think he has had a lot of changes early in his life, and may be acting out in order to get attention from mom. Maybe he is rebelling or has trust issues after the ex boyfriend or father situations. He could benefit from therapy. Actually, if you plan to stay in this relationship, family therapy could help the three of you better communicate and understand each other.
Best of luck to you!
I am wondering if her son is getting speech services at school. In addition, there could be a number of things contributing to his behavior: lack of steady father figure, learning disability, frustration over not being able to adequately express himself, etc. If he has not been evaluated by a school psychologist and and speech therapist, I would ask mother to consider pushing her parental rights in the school to make sure he receives the services that he may be entitled to receive. At 9 years old, he should be receiving speech therapy on a weekly basis in school (hopefully several times per week). In addition, if he is performing very, low academically speaking, he may in fact have a learning disability that has not been diagnosed. I don't think he is autistic, but then again I don't know him. I do think he has had a lot of changes early in his life, and may be acting out in order to get attention from mom. Maybe he is rebelling or has trust issues after the ex boyfriend or father situations. He could benefit from therapy. Actually, if you plan to stay in this relationship, family therapy could help the three of you better communicate and understand each other.
Best of luck to you!
It really never struck me that his condition might be as serious as autism, as we do play together and he is fun, loving and affectionate (like his mom). Without offending the Mom, how would you approach a subject like this???
P.S. I wish you could all meet her, as she is the sweetest thing.
P.S. I wish you could all meet her, as she is the sweetest thing.
It might be autism or something similar, so keep it in mind.
BUT, if he has a speech problem that severe, maybe his bad behavior is mostly based on pure frustration of being ineffective in communicating. Add to that the fact he's an only child, and has a disability like this, autism or not. Sounds to me like his mom has let him get away with a little too much because of his special needs. I lean more towards your original thought that he's probably spoiled. But like I said, don't rule out something as serious as autism, because that very well could be his problem.
One way or the other, there are many online child behavior references and books that you and his mother could refer to in order to better discipline him based on his special needs. I'd recommend the Child Behavior Forum on this site--you can get lots of good perspective from parents of all types of children there. Perhaps also try the Doctor-to-Patient Child Behavioral Health Forum to get a professional opinion.
BUT, if he has a speech problem that severe, maybe his bad behavior is mostly based on pure frustration of being ineffective in communicating. Add to that the fact he's an only child, and has a disability like this, autism or not. Sounds to me like his mom has let him get away with a little too much because of his special needs. I lean more towards your original thought that he's probably spoiled. But like I said, don't rule out something as serious as autism, because that very well could be his problem.
One way or the other, there are many online child behavior references and books that you and his mother could refer to in order to better discipline him based on his special needs. I'd recommend the Child Behavior Forum on this site--you can get lots of good perspective from parents of all types of children there. Perhaps also try the Doctor-to-Patient Child Behavioral Health Forum to get a professional opinion.
Maybe her son is autisitc. Children with autism have problems controlling their anger, it comes from frustration. I'm no expert on child behavioral problems but she may want to look into other diagnosis for him. You do have one thing going for you and that is your ability to take criticism and to listen to other's advice. You know you have a problem and are looking to get help for it. That's moving you in the right direction. Keep up the therapy and if your girlfriend is willing to stick it out with you than you should be even more grateful that you have someone that special in your life.
"It really never struck me that his condition might be as serious as autism, as we do play together and he is fun, loving and affectionate (like his mom). Without offending the Mom, how would you approach a subject like this???"
I'll go with anxiousmomtobe? on this one - it is not your position to "approach" this in any way, shape, or form. You've been dating this woman for 3 months, for f*ck sake. Let her parent her child the way she sees fit. It sounds like the kid's father is in on it to some extent, and based on what you've told us, there may still be emotional ties between him and this woman. Frankly, you don't have a leg to stand on after only 3 months in questioning the relationship that is going on between this woman and the kid's father. If you suspect it's not over between them, or she is conflicted, you should leave.
And, I'm sorry, but it is not your privilege to finagle into her childrearing. You've known her three (rocky) months. You are really taking huge leaps here. It's not your business to question the "diagnosis," it's not your business to approach her about whether the child's treatment or care is appropriate - none of it is. Your role, if you even have one, is to be kind towards this kid and treat her/him with respect. That's it. Beyond that, you have no privilege, that I can see anyway.
" P.S. I wish you could all meet her, as she is the sweetest thing."
This comment is disturbing, to say the least. We don't want to meet her, as if that even needed to be said. You've got some huge conflicts going on, and I agree with the others that it's probably best to haul your a** down to therapy and get some help. If we hit you on a different day, or late at night (as you are "going to sleep"), would you have said, "P.S., I can't wait to dump this broad's ass?"
I agree with what a few of the others said - this "relationship" is just being overanalyzed to death (maybe that's where the "intellectual sugar-coating" comes from) for something that is 3 months old and "rocky" to boot. If a man tells me he's "single" and then I discover he's living with somebody, I'm gone. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm out of there. Gone. No second chances. But you chose to stay, "rocky" course and all. What does that tell you?
It tells me that your choices are still questionable. It tells me that your insecurities, issues, problems, emotional guilt, anger, misogyny, "abandonment" issues, or whatever they happen to be, are still controlling you, and you need to figure it all out.
I'll go with anxiousmomtobe? on this one - it is not your position to "approach" this in any way, shape, or form. You've been dating this woman for 3 months, for f*ck sake. Let her parent her child the way she sees fit. It sounds like the kid's father is in on it to some extent, and based on what you've told us, there may still be emotional ties between him and this woman. Frankly, you don't have a leg to stand on after only 3 months in questioning the relationship that is going on between this woman and the kid's father. If you suspect it's not over between them, or she is conflicted, you should leave.
And, I'm sorry, but it is not your privilege to finagle into her childrearing. You've known her three (rocky) months. You are really taking huge leaps here. It's not your business to question the "diagnosis," it's not your business to approach her about whether the child's treatment or care is appropriate - none of it is. Your role, if you even have one, is to be kind towards this kid and treat her/him with respect. That's it. Beyond that, you have no privilege, that I can see anyway.
" P.S. I wish you could all meet her, as she is the sweetest thing."
This comment is disturbing, to say the least. We don't want to meet her, as if that even needed to be said. You've got some huge conflicts going on, and I agree with the others that it's probably best to haul your a** down to therapy and get some help. If we hit you on a different day, or late at night (as you are "going to sleep"), would you have said, "P.S., I can't wait to dump this broad's ass?"
I agree with what a few of the others said - this "relationship" is just being overanalyzed to death (maybe that's where the "intellectual sugar-coating" comes from) for something that is 3 months old and "rocky" to boot. If a man tells me he's "single" and then I discover he's living with somebody, I'm gone. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm out of there. Gone. No second chances. But you chose to stay, "rocky" course and all. What does that tell you?
It tells me that your choices are still questionable. It tells me that your insecurities, issues, problems, emotional guilt, anger, misogyny, "abandonment" issues, or whatever they happen to be, are still controlling you, and you need to figure it all out.
"I know this is a shocker but I totally agree with Barn Babe"
: ) Oh, honey, you said it better than I ever could. Great response.
: ) Oh, honey, you said it better than I ever could. Great response.
I agree that it's not his position to get this child the help he needs, but I also think that if advice might find it's way to the correct ear about a difficult situation, I am all for giving the advice. However, it is true that the child's welfare is in the hands of mom and dad.
I'm sorry anxiousmomtobe if I angered you with the comment on her child. The reason I said he has a disability, is because he's in speech therapy, the mom has indicated to me that he was checked out for "learning disabilities", has trouble in school and both his mother and I very frequently cannot understand a word he's saying (keep in mind he's almost 9). His bad behaviour under my definition comes from this: hitting his mom, calling her names, throwing tantrums over the smallest of things (like losing a baseball game), etc. Yes, I'm not a parent or therapist myself, but I have had 10 nieces/nephews and never did I see behaviour like this.
Koukla29:
Thank you so much for being kind and sympathetic to my issues. I will be looking into your recommendation of books, for sure. I'm slated for a councelling session with a therapist on June 18, we WILL be talking about all of this. As for the vague "running for the hills" - this, I believe, has to do with another problem I have (perfectionism) and I struggle to remind myself that people are human, and as such not everything will be done/said that makes me happy. I know this - I'm trying to be more forgiving. But my emotional side overtakes my logical side when issues come up and so I feel "well this is never going to work in the future", even though I know I'm negative forecasting.
I'm having trouble deciding whether I want to be in this relationship because of the fact it started so rocky, the fact it started with a lie, her ex-boy would like her & I dead, etc. I'm trying to balance this with ALL the many good qualities that she has.
Barn Babe:
You are 100% right: the "Trailer Park" comment was highly inappropriate and prejudice. My apologies to all.
It's funny, shortly after posting my "question", I started reading other postings and found a comment to the effect of "not working out personal issues on unsuspecting women". It fits in line with your comment of "it's not her responsiblity to fix me". Point taken. Thanks.
As for the abuse "I" suffered and the comments you made along these lines, I just want to say, my last relationship was the ONLY one abusive. My ex-wife was a doll and also a very sweet girl. I f*cked that one up. And I know what you're thinking, but yes - I do forgive myself for it, but I'm never going to allow myself to forget what I did.
And "misogyny": I really don't see myself that way. But I won't rule anything out, as my goal here is to do the right thing and get to the root of the problem.
And the intellectual sugar-coating and penis size thing, well honestly I'm just trying to tell it to you how it is in my head. Trust me, my insecurity is there and it is a problem.
TMB1975:
Thank you for your opinions, too. I know it's started rocky, but I'm basing my reason to stay on who she is as a person, and trying to sift out the external influences which her and I have no control over (i.e. ex's) and sift away the parts that are my issues (insecurities). What's left in my mind, is a woman that most men would feel privileged to be with.
You are right on the mark about feeling guilty about her leaving her ex-boy as she has stated this herself, word for word.
My last comment for ALL of your opinions:
I've specifically asked her if she would prefer that I take my "nuttiness" elsewhere and I leave her alone as I work out my stay-run mentality, and she said "NO". She, under no circumstances, ever wants me to go and is willing to help me, whatever it takes. However, I struggle with maybe ending the relationship for the greater good (i.e. she has endured soooo much in her life that I don't feel it fair that I be another bad experience she has to go through in life). And as well, maybe I just don't have what it takes to overcome all of my issues and therefore should consider being alone for sometime. The problem: I've dated a lot in the last while - I'm finding it very hard to find a spiritual, unselfish, kind, and loving woman, and feel that it would be a great loss to me to pass this one up. Ultimately, I know this rests in my hands alone, but am hoping your comments will make me more informed so that I can make the right decision. Thanks to all for your comments.
Thank you so much for being kind and sympathetic to my issues. I will be looking into your recommendation of books, for sure. I'm slated for a councelling session with a therapist on June 18, we WILL be talking about all of this. As for the vague "running for the hills" - this, I believe, has to do with another problem I have (perfectionism) and I struggle to remind myself that people are human, and as such not everything will be done/said that makes me happy. I know this - I'm trying to be more forgiving. But my emotional side overtakes my logical side when issues come up and so I feel "well this is never going to work in the future", even though I know I'm negative forecasting.
I'm having trouble deciding whether I want to be in this relationship because of the fact it started so rocky, the fact it started with a lie, her ex-boy would like her & I dead, etc. I'm trying to balance this with ALL the many good qualities that she has.
Barn Babe:
You are 100% right: the "Trailer Park" comment was highly inappropriate and prejudice. My apologies to all.
It's funny, shortly after posting my "question", I started reading other postings and found a comment to the effect of "not working out personal issues on unsuspecting women". It fits in line with your comment of "it's not her responsiblity to fix me". Point taken. Thanks.
As for the abuse "I" suffered and the comments you made along these lines, I just want to say, my last relationship was the ONLY one abusive. My ex-wife was a doll and also a very sweet girl. I f*cked that one up. And I know what you're thinking, but yes - I do forgive myself for it, but I'm never going to allow myself to forget what I did.
And "misogyny": I really don't see myself that way. But I won't rule anything out, as my goal here is to do the right thing and get to the root of the problem.
And the intellectual sugar-coating and penis size thing, well honestly I'm just trying to tell it to you how it is in my head. Trust me, my insecurity is there and it is a problem.
TMB1975:
Thank you for your opinions, too. I know it's started rocky, but I'm basing my reason to stay on who she is as a person, and trying to sift out the external influences which her and I have no control over (i.e. ex's) and sift away the parts that are my issues (insecurities). What's left in my mind, is a woman that most men would feel privileged to be with.
You are right on the mark about feeling guilty about her leaving her ex-boy as she has stated this herself, word for word.
My last comment for ALL of your opinions:
I've specifically asked her if she would prefer that I take my "nuttiness" elsewhere and I leave her alone as I work out my stay-run mentality, and she said "NO". She, under no circumstances, ever wants me to go and is willing to help me, whatever it takes. However, I struggle with maybe ending the relationship for the greater good (i.e. she has endured soooo much in her life that I don't feel it fair that I be another bad experience she has to go through in life). And as well, maybe I just don't have what it takes to overcome all of my issues and therefore should consider being alone for sometime. The problem: I've dated a lot in the last while - I'm finding it very hard to find a spiritual, unselfish, kind, and loving woman, and feel that it would be a great loss to me to pass this one up. Ultimately, I know this rests in my hands alone, but am hoping your comments will make me more informed so that I can make the right decision. Thanks to all for your comments.
Geesh, show her this post and she wil dump your a**. And who are you to comment on her child? You are not a parent and I am assuming you are not a child behaviour specialist.
Leave her alone. She and her child deserve more than you can give.
Leave her alone. She and her child deserve more than you can give.
I know this is a shocker but I totally agree with Barn Babe. Because you have constantly been in abusive relationships you are unsure how to deal with a healthy one. This is just too normal for you and therefore you are scared and feel the need to run. I don't think that a relationship between two people who are afraid of being abandoned is really going to have much success. You both seem to be so insecure that it's tearing apart at this relationship bit by bit. Three months is not a long time to be even talking about long term. Relationships that have just begun and are still short lived should be fun. There is just way too much pressure already and it hasn't even started to grow and develop into anything. I think both of you need to have individualized counseling before you can make a serious relationship work. Good luck and I really hope that you can truely appreciate a meaningful and respectful woman in your life.
I DONT THINK ITS A GOOD IDEA TO CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP, EVEN THOUGH YOU SAID YOU LOVE HER, THREE MONTHS AND ITS ALREADY ROCKY AS YOU STATED. WHAT IS IT GOING TO BE LIKE IN A YEAR OR TWO. AND IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE THE WHOLE SITUATION WITH HER EXES WILL BRING YOU DOWN ON WHAT YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IN YOUR LIFE IN REGARDS TO YOUR INSECURITIES AND SELF ESTEEM. STARTING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU WHEN SHE WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE IS QUESTIONABLE, YEAH WE ALL HAVE BAGGAGE BUT IF YOUR TRYING TO WORK ON YOUR LOAD AND THEN HAVE TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE ELSES LOAD IS JUST NOT A GOOD IDEA. I WOULD SAY GET OUT NOW, AND I DO NOT THINK ITS BEING SELFISH, YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS WORRIED ABOUT YOU LEAVING HER OR DUMPING HER BECAUSE SHE PROBABLY FEELS GUILTY ABOUT LEAVING HER EX AND IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE CONSTANTLY REMINDED IF HE IS STALKING HER LIKE YOU SAID.GOOD LUCK AND TAKE CARE.
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