Aa
Opinions needed
I feel absolutely ridiculous writing this but oh well.
I have been dating a man for a couple of months now, we both agreed on taking things slow, for him because he was freshly out of a (4 month long) relationship and me because I haven't been in a relationship for four years and frankly didn't think I had the will or want to be committed to someone. In the past month or so, things have felt like they were approaching being on the serious side and I was thrilled to discover that for the first time in a long time, I find myself actually wanting to commit to someone. Things have been relatively smooth and we get a long well and he seems to be a very kind, considerate man.
Last week I was looking to update some of my contact pictures in my phone and decided to find pics of him, on his Facebook page. I'm not big on Facebook, I mostly use it for work purposes and it was the first time that I actually went through his "page". 90% of the posts on his page are from his ex girlfriend and they included cute banter between the two of them from when they were together. I was a bit put off by this because in my world, when you start dating someone new, out of respect to them, you go through a bit of a clean up and delete things that may make them uncomfortable. I very casually (maybe too casually) mentioned to him that I would appreciate him cleaning up his page a bit and continued talking about other things.
Over the weekend, he put his phone down after responding to a message but didn't close the screen and I noticed that his ex was one of the last people he exchanged messages with. I have no idea what the content of the messages are but that absolutely rubbed me the wrong way. Today, I looked back through his facebook and noticed that he hasn't deleted anything.
I know that different people feel differently about how to handle ex's and I understand that. For me, I am happy staying friendly with an ex but the second that I'm serious about someone new, I break all contact because I don't feel that my partner should have to concern themselves with that. Since starting to date this man, I have broken contact with my ex fiance, who was the last person I dated and broke up with four years ago as well as a male friend because he reacted very poorly to finding out I was dating someone. My ex and I dated for four years and in the four years we've been apart (with the exception of the first year) we have enjoyed a nice friendship but again, for me, the fact still remains that this is someone I was intimate with and loved and out of respect to my new partner, I didn't want that floating over us.
I can play the devil's advocate either way with this; I feel disrespected and a little bit like he's keeping her on the back burner but I can also justify it by saying they were friends and likely have friendly conversation and he just hasn't thought about FB seeing as I mentioned it so casually. Half of me wants to address this but the other half just wants to let it go and see how they play out but this situation definitely does get under my skin.
The other thing that I will mention quickly is that I am 30 and he is 26. I only found out that he was younger than me after we started dating and I have never before dated someone who wasn't at least a few years older than me. I am inclined to tell him that things just aren't working for me and to move on but at the same time, I know I tend to not always react properly to situations, partially because I am so comfortable being single. He is also once of 3 men who I have had real feelings for; thoroughly enjoying someone is a rarity for me and I don't want to dismiss it..... but bringing it up seems juvenile and petty. I don't feel like I should have to have that conversation.....
So please, share your opinions on how you would handle it!
Thanks
I have been dating a man for a couple of months now, we both agreed on taking things slow, for him because he was freshly out of a (4 month long) relationship and me because I haven't been in a relationship for four years and frankly didn't think I had the will or want to be committed to someone. In the past month or so, things have felt like they were approaching being on the serious side and I was thrilled to discover that for the first time in a long time, I find myself actually wanting to commit to someone. Things have been relatively smooth and we get a long well and he seems to be a very kind, considerate man.
Last week I was looking to update some of my contact pictures in my phone and decided to find pics of him, on his Facebook page. I'm not big on Facebook, I mostly use it for work purposes and it was the first time that I actually went through his "page". 90% of the posts on his page are from his ex girlfriend and they included cute banter between the two of them from when they were together. I was a bit put off by this because in my world, when you start dating someone new, out of respect to them, you go through a bit of a clean up and delete things that may make them uncomfortable. I very casually (maybe too casually) mentioned to him that I would appreciate him cleaning up his page a bit and continued talking about other things.
Over the weekend, he put his phone down after responding to a message but didn't close the screen and I noticed that his ex was one of the last people he exchanged messages with. I have no idea what the content of the messages are but that absolutely rubbed me the wrong way. Today, I looked back through his facebook and noticed that he hasn't deleted anything.
I know that different people feel differently about how to handle ex's and I understand that. For me, I am happy staying friendly with an ex but the second that I'm serious about someone new, I break all contact because I don't feel that my partner should have to concern themselves with that. Since starting to date this man, I have broken contact with my ex fiance, who was the last person I dated and broke up with four years ago as well as a male friend because he reacted very poorly to finding out I was dating someone. My ex and I dated for four years and in the four years we've been apart (with the exception of the first year) we have enjoyed a nice friendship but again, for me, the fact still remains that this is someone I was intimate with and loved and out of respect to my new partner, I didn't want that floating over us.
I can play the devil's advocate either way with this; I feel disrespected and a little bit like he's keeping her on the back burner but I can also justify it by saying they were friends and likely have friendly conversation and he just hasn't thought about FB seeing as I mentioned it so casually. Half of me wants to address this but the other half just wants to let it go and see how they play out but this situation definitely does get under my skin.
The other thing that I will mention quickly is that I am 30 and he is 26. I only found out that he was younger than me after we started dating and I have never before dated someone who wasn't at least a few years older than me. I am inclined to tell him that things just aren't working for me and to move on but at the same time, I know I tend to not always react properly to situations, partially because I am so comfortable being single. He is also once of 3 men who I have had real feelings for; thoroughly enjoying someone is a rarity for me and I don't want to dismiss it..... but bringing it up seems juvenile and petty. I don't feel like I should have to have that conversation.....
So please, share your opinions on how you would handle it!
Thanks
I'm glad You had that conversation and came to the conclusion to go Your separate ways. You did not mention in Your post that He had pictures of HimSelf in bed with His ex on FaceBook. I would have had a totally different response the first time !!
I'm really glad to hear that you've started dating again, after not doing so for 4 years - and, that you surprised yourself that you felt comfortable thinking of yourself as being exclusive with someone. A change has taken place and regardless of whether you got very far with this last boyfriend it should give you confidence that you're ready to resume the goal of having a new partnership. That in itself is wonderful news - and I wish you health and every happiness. You deserve the very best in a partner. Accept nothing less. Onward and Upward.
Another happy coincidence from this last move into the dating world is that when you were confused about something in the relationship, you took the initiative to reach out for advice here at Medhelp. Had i only had this site when i was first dating, I most likely would never have wasted my time marrying my first husband. I know for sure that i got absolutely nothing gained in that relationship. So kudo's for reaching out when you had questions about your relationship.
I wish you every success moving forward and will also, look forward to hearing about any new prospects.
Another happy coincidence from this last move into the dating world is that when you were confused about something in the relationship, you took the initiative to reach out for advice here at Medhelp. Had i only had this site when i was first dating, I most likely would never have wasted my time marrying my first husband. I know for sure that i got absolutely nothing gained in that relationship. So kudo's for reaching out when you had questions about your relationship.
I wish you every success moving forward and will also, look forward to hearing about any new prospects.
COMMUNITY LEADER
You didn't mention he had a picture of the two of them in bed on his fb page. LOL What does HIS mother think of that? Tacky, man. I don't really think, to be perfectly honest, that whether you are dating two, four, six months or longer that removing facebook photos and posts is necessary. That's my opinion, If he's a fb kind of guy, he will post about you now. And remember, even as a very limited fb user, I notice that if you 'tag' someone, that photo/post ends up on the other person's page. He may not have even posted them all himself.
But it's a mute point. You don't want to mess with it and feel there is more to the story of him and his ex so it's over. Sounds like a good choice.
Personally, I think facebook is a pain in the behind for all the hassle it makes in relationships. My husband doesn't have a facebook page. I'm good with that. :>)
Let us know how you are doing and if you meet anyone else interesting in the near future!
But it's a mute point. You don't want to mess with it and feel there is more to the story of him and his ex so it's over. Sounds like a good choice.
Personally, I think facebook is a pain in the behind for all the hassle it makes in relationships. My husband doesn't have a facebook page. I'm good with that. :>)
Let us know how you are doing and if you meet anyone else interesting in the near future!
Thanks for the responses, everyone. I should have said "few" months, instead of a "couple" as we have been dating since June, but that's neither here nor there.
I did end up having a conversation with him about the dynamics between the two of them, after he brought up plans with her and a couple they are mutually friends with, over the weekend. As it turns out, he doesn't want to disrupt anything until she moves on. It was a bit surprising to hear, considering the fact that in early September we had a conversation about being exclusive, brought up by him.
We have gone our separate ways... at least I don't have to worry about the conversation I would have inevitable had to have with my mother as to why the man I'm seeing has pictures of him in bed, with another woman, on his FB page.
I did end up having a conversation with him about the dynamics between the two of them, after he brought up plans with her and a couple they are mutually friends with, over the weekend. As it turns out, he doesn't want to disrupt anything until she moves on. It was a bit surprising to hear, considering the fact that in early September we had a conversation about being exclusive, brought up by him.
We have gone our separate ways... at least I don't have to worry about the conversation I would have inevitable had to have with my mother as to why the man I'm seeing has pictures of him in bed, with another woman, on his FB page.
1 Comments
Did you see the pic before or after writing your post? Well, that pic was enough info to end things with this man. Sounds like he wasn't planning on moving on. Lucky for you that you got out early in the relationship.
I think you are just overthinking things and should just heed to taking things slow. Cutting all ties with your ex and expecting him to do the same after TWO months isn't taking things slow. Moving too fast=don't do it.
I am not sure why you are miffed about the Facebook stuff. He never stated he was cutting ties with his ex or cutting off communication with her did he?
"but bringing it up seems juvenile and petty. I don't feel like I should have to have that conversation"......Yep, it would be and you shouldn't.
Give the relationship some room and time. He just got out of a relationship which wasn't a long relationship; only 4 months.
Some do stay in contact with exs. Personally, I don't and never did, but everyone is different. That's why I say take your time and find out what he is really all about. You may or may not like what you see in the end, but that's what dating is about. Time will tell you what you need to know.
I am not sure why you are miffed about the Facebook stuff. He never stated he was cutting ties with his ex or cutting off communication with her did he?
"but bringing it up seems juvenile and petty. I don't feel like I should have to have that conversation"......Yep, it would be and you shouldn't.
Give the relationship some room and time. He just got out of a relationship which wasn't a long relationship; only 4 months.
Some do stay in contact with exs. Personally, I don't and never did, but everyone is different. That's why I say take your time and find out what he is really all about. You may or may not like what you see in the end, but that's what dating is about. Time will tell you what you need to know.
1 Comments
Thanks for the response, I did add a follow up to the initial post, below :)
He has a past and a history - facebook or no - You cannot erase His past, His history which has everything to do with who He is today.
You've only been dating for 2 months - that is not long enough to know if this will be a permanent relationship in the first place and in the second place - it doesn't seem to me that You are "taking things slowly" if You are already expecting (wanting) Him to make changes or erasures to His FaceBook.
As far as texts with His ex - You profess to not know what the context of that was so (in my opinion) You are out of line to feel "absolutely rubbed the wrong way". This communication with His ex could be perfectly innocent and reasonable. You will know soon enough whatever You need to know but pushing the issue (His FaceBook, text messages) at this stage is not Your place - 2 months is only 8 weeks and not enough time to have expectations.
Good Luck
You've only been dating for 2 months - that is not long enough to know if this will be a permanent relationship in the first place and in the second place - it doesn't seem to me that You are "taking things slowly" if You are already expecting (wanting) Him to make changes or erasures to His FaceBook.
As far as texts with His ex - You profess to not know what the context of that was so (in my opinion) You are out of line to feel "absolutely rubbed the wrong way". This communication with His ex could be perfectly innocent and reasonable. You will know soon enough whatever You need to know but pushing the issue (His FaceBook, text messages) at this stage is not Your place - 2 months is only 8 weeks and not enough time to have expectations.
Good Luck
2 Comments
You feel like getting serious after 2 months. If he did too then he would delete the FB because that is easy to do when a person is motivated and in the romantic early days of a relationship.
It seems he is not motivated though, so it is your decision what you want out of this relationship.
It seems he is not motivated though, so it is your decision what you want out of this relationship.
Thanks for the response, TTinKKerBBell :)
I have added a follow up to this post, below.
I have added a follow up to this post, below.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I'll be honest. I think after two months of dating it is quite unreasonable to think he should go back through his facebook and erase signs that he had a girlfriend before you. I wouldn't do that. Nor expect my partner to do that. It's his facebook history. Big deal. It bothers you because you are jealous. This jealousy is something to work on. If your boyfriend were to write us, I'd probably tell him you seem insecure and jealous. Your getting upset about these his facebook page could result in his doubting you. And not wanting to deal with that. I'd really let that go and if it bothers you, don't dig back in time to through his facebook account. Think of it as a scrap book. It's past history. And since you aren't a facebook person, there probably isn't much with or of you because that is how it sort of works.
Me? I loathe facebook with regards to the trouble it starts in relationships.
Now the text messages are a bit different. If your boyfriend is texting his ex . . . you are in a tough spot. because what could that be about? You can say you saw a text on his home screen (mine just show up with a snippet of it) and wondered about it. Or you can do the deed and break in and see what they are writing. I guess. That's risky.
But moving slow is important. You've only been together two months and had agreements to be loose as a couple. So, don't do the jealous girlfriend stuff. That could make him want to leave you.
True story. I was dating a man. We started slow. I started to like him more and more and at the maybe 4 month mark realizing he also was dating someone else. About two months after that, he told me that he had strong feelings for me and wanted to be with me only. That was 21 years ago. We have been married for 18 years of those 21. :>) So, try not to get to overzealous on demands on him during the get to know you phase although I would be very curious about texts with the ex. good luck
Me? I loathe facebook with regards to the trouble it starts in relationships.
Now the text messages are a bit different. If your boyfriend is texting his ex . . . you are in a tough spot. because what could that be about? You can say you saw a text on his home screen (mine just show up with a snippet of it) and wondered about it. Or you can do the deed and break in and see what they are writing. I guess. That's risky.
But moving slow is important. You've only been together two months and had agreements to be loose as a couple. So, don't do the jealous girlfriend stuff. That could make him want to leave you.
True story. I was dating a man. We started slow. I started to like him more and more and at the maybe 4 month mark realizing he also was dating someone else. About two months after that, he told me that he had strong feelings for me and wanted to be with me only. That was 21 years ago. We have been married for 18 years of those 21. :>) So, try not to get to overzealous on demands on him during the get to know you phase although I would be very curious about texts with the ex. good luck
1 Comments
Thank you for your response and for sharing your experience :)
I have added a follow up below, as an answer.
I have added a follow up below, as an answer.
It doesn't seem like he is interested in shutting off the connections with his previous girlfriend, so you might not get him all to yourself. He hasn't provided any info to you about her status which might mean that you might always be in a guessing game and not a serious relationship.
Those are just my guesses based on limited info.
Those are just my guesses based on limited info.
1 Comments
Thank you for your response! You are right, he was not interested in cutting any connections. I have answered below with a follow up :)
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