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Oral Sex Help
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Oral Sex Help

Not sure if this is the right place to ask this but here it goes.

I've been married 10 years to my wife and  I love her but something bothers me.  I give her oral sex constantly and am very attentive to her orgasm.  She cannot orgasm by intercourse so I either do oral or manual stimulation until she orgasms.  But, she only rarely returns this even though she knows I appreciate it and even worse she has never "completed" the job.  I'm not saying that she has to do it all the time but I would think once in a while it would be nice.  She knows I would like her to and we've talked about it but she never does.  I had girlfriends who did that and I loved it.  I know it sounds funny but I felt like it was a commitment that I was looking for.  I give my all to the sexual needs of my wife and want that same commitment in return.  I'm not asking for something that is bizarre, I'm just asking her to swallow once in a while.  

Does anyone have any suggestions or am I just being a jerk?  I don't think I'm being a jerk because it's not like a guy doesn't get female fluid in his mouth.

I love her very much but sometimes am disappointed that she does not have a good sexual imagination or sexual energy.

Any one have a recommendation?

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25 Comments
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13167_tn?1327197724
Lane,  I'm going to put cards on the table here,  and I hope my post isn't too vulgar for this board.

As a girlfriend,  I've done this and pretended to love it.  Honestly, this is my own personal opinion,  I think almost no women actually  love this.  They are so turned on in the dating "crazy in love" phase of a relationship that they are willing to do whatever it takes,  and they love exciting their man and so it's thrilling to see him so turned on.  

The act itself,  frankly,  is repulsive.

It's repulsive.  I don't know how endowed you are,  but my husband is well-endowed,  and when we do this - it's difficult.  He's large enough to go way down my throat,  I can't breathe normally throughout the experience,  I have to pace breathing with gulping in air between thrusts,  and when he comes it's so disgusting it's all I can do not to vomit.  I just have to pause and focus on not vomiting.  The entire time,  frankly,  between gag reflex during the entire act,   and when he comes and I swallow a mouthful of warm salty mucus,  is an effort not to vomit.    The biggest effort is pretending I like it.  

I love this guy so much,  and he does so much for me that I do this for him as a gift,  and I don't think he has any idea how this feels for me.

Maybe this has given you some perspective.  Also,  maybe this post is too much for this board.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have to agree with RR on this one.  It's not something I enjoy doing either, only do it for special occasions really.  And I have to have a few glasses of wine beforehand.  Most women I know feel this same way.  For his birthday, or if we've been drinking and don't feel like having regular intercourse.   I only have 1 girlfriend that loves giving head but she is really in the minority IMO.  
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177641_tn?1189759437
Poor guy! I don't think any man wants to hear how unpleasant oral sex can be for a woman to perform.

You're definitely not being a jerk. Is it crucial to you that she swallow or that you can just finish in her mouth? Could it be that she's just too embarrassed and awkward when she does it? It really is an objectifying *vulgar* position to be in - your facial expression is terrible, the sounds can become very mechanical, and you can't speak. To be honest I really don't like giving oral sex either, unless I'm really aroused and want to bring my partner up to speed. But it helps that he doesn't watch except at the beginning (this reduces my being self-conscious), warns me when he's close to finishing, and keeps a glass of water nearby in case I prefer to spit daintily or swallow. Are these considerations you have discussed with your wife? Unless there are additional barriers (like history of sexual abuse, bad ex-boyfriend experiences, etc.), it sounds like helping her feel comfortable and understand that she is not ugly or an object when she does it might help. Unfortunately for some women it just doesn't jive - but definitely cover all bases with your wife on this, because although it's physically unpleasant for women, it can be very intimate and emotionally rewarding for your relationship. I hope this helps - good luck!
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264156_tn?1206990594
Guess I'm the minority then. I actually get a lot of arousal and satisfaction by giving oral sex...on the other hand though I can count on one hand the times I've allowed him to finish in my mouth. Yeah for as much as I love giving oral sex, it's on the complete opposite of the spectrum with how nasty the texture and taste of that stuff is. I know men take in a certain amount of lady juice, but it's really not the same. For one it's not a rocket propelled salty goo. sorry.

But anyway, whenever I do give oral sex which is about 90% of the time prior to sex I always stop or he stops ME so we can engage in other things. Maybe ya'll could compramise and she could do the oral thing if you didn't require her to swallow it. What is it about her swallowing it that you enjoy?
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Avatar_n_tn
I agree.  I'm sort of neutral on it.  But don't do it very often simply because it's soooooooo difficult.

Gag reflex, positioning, breathing it's a lot to handle sometimes.  And the coming in the mouth thing is different then when you go down on her.  We get a shotful at once and it doesn't taste all that pleasent nor have a pleasent texture - not saying ours do either but it's a bit different get bits and pieces from your girl and us getting a big mouthful all at once.

I don't think you are being a jerk, you aren't forcing her to do it so not a jerk at all.  Keep talking to her about it and probe as to why she doesn't, or maybe she's already expressed why?  
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Avatar_n_tn
How can you speak for ALMOST all women?  Out of 6 responses from women on here 1 stated they actually do enjoy, one person can ONLY speak for themselves and I know women who LOVE doing it!  Of course with anything else your going to have plenty that dont want to do something but your going to have plenty that do, there are tons of men who hate giving a woman oral but there are tons who do.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm also in a relationship, 10 months today and when I first started dating my boyfriend I use to love going down on him, it really was a turn on for me and of course him too. But now after being togethor for longer and approching 1 year, it's really more of a turn off for me. My boyfriend still loves it, and wants me to do it more often like in the begining, but he respects me to much to force me to do it. I still do it for him every now and then, but with me having a very strong gag reflex (I can gag at almost anything) its hard for me to always do it and manage to swallow it, but I still do.
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332074_tn?1229564125
Nope, I will never swallow and I have been married for 26 years. I don't mind giving oral sex but when it comes to swallowing, it ain't going to happen. My husband has never even ask me too. He knows that I have a big texture issue and I would vomit. I have never heard him complain once about not finishing in my mouth.
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Avatar_n_tn
There's another thread whereby a young lady is concerned that her boyfriend doesn't do all the nice things he used to do for her when they first started dating.  It's not much different than what I've seen written here in some ways.

It's amusing the honesty of some early posts regarding how this act was done early in the relationship out of eagerness for the relationship to work or to please their partner.  But, things have dropped off now that the relationship has progressed or marriage set in.

We acknowledge that they wonder why our partner may be looking at porn, having a tryst, or showing signs disinterest in a physical relationship.  Well, the bait-and-switch may be an answer to "why doesn't my husband/wife pursue me like he/she used to?"  

Well maybe it's because you used to give your physical life all your effort and creativity and now you can't be bothered with the occasional uncomfortable act.

As an aside, in the course of time it takes most women to reach orgasm via oral sex, the average male more than easily consumes a fluid that is equal to or greater than the average male ejaculation.  I have to agree that the occasional completion of that act seems appropriate and typically dutifully appreciated.

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146191_tn?1236881412
personally, im with the majority of other women who don't love it, but will do it here and there if the mood is right or if he really deserves it for some reason or another. but let me tell you it doesnt happen often and my husband is not complaining. i make up for it in other respects. at the same time, i don't expect oral sex from him and get it about as often as i give it.

that being said, as to your problem, heres what i think:

one thing you didnt mention was whether or not your wife EVER did this for you. if she never has, even in the beginning of your relationship, then the previous "honeymoon" theory mentioned by others, doesn't apply. and, i would assume that  if she has never done this for you, chances are, there's a good reason. if this is the case, i would say respect your wife's wishes and quit whining. why are men so whiney when it comes to things like this? i think if you stopped giving your wife oral sex, chances are, she would live with it and love you anyway. of course, raindelay, once again, giving excuses to have an affair, or "tryst" as  he likes to call it. "hey, your wife won't give your oral sex, okay, then go find someone who will! no, seriously, if she just plain doesn't like it or doesn't want to, then why can't you live without it? will you die? no.

whats more, juiceman, is rockrose is probably right in her assumption. you are obviously a man. men live in a fantasy world where they think women love to do all these things you see in adult movies and on the internet. no juiceman, there are not many women out there who absolutely love giving head and swallowing *** or having men *** all over their face. if ALL of your friends who are women tell you otherwise then 1. they are lying to you or 2. you have a lot of friends who are porn-stars. don't come on here flying off the handle about how you know women like to give oral sex. it just makes you sound silly.

lastly, if you wife used  to give you oral sex (OP) and has now stopped and refuses to do so, then maybe you need to actually TALK to her and not come on here and ask a bunch of strangers why your wife wont give you oral sex. if you've talked about it and she is aware of your desire and still hasn't done it, what more can you do? are you willing to leave her over it? get a divorce because of lack of oral sex? if not, then like i said before, live with it. find ways around it. otherwise, leave your wife and go marry someone who loves to give oral sex. i dont know what else to tell you. another thing is, in your post, you are so high and mighty about how you do everything your wife needs in bed and always give her orgasm. while thats great and im sure well appreciated by your wife, you need to understand that there is life outside of the bedroom.

i hope you and your wife can work out this huge problem - i wish i had time to worry about such things.
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177641_tn?1189759437
Wow girliegrl, lighten up. How is reaming out the OP going to help? Are you here to help or just vent? His problem is fair enough. I think we all have little things we wish our partners would just do differently or feel differently about.

The OP doesn't say anywhere that this is ground for divorce, or that he can't live without it. He came to a bunch of strangers wondering if his feelings were justified, and whether he should move forward with discussing this with his wife. The fact that he decided to get a second opinion is admirable in itself, as many people NEVER reach out for input on any kind of sexual problem. It's far better than him keeping his mouth shut and harbouring resentment for the next 10 years of his marriage. Why attack him for reaching out for a second opinion?
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173939_tn?1333221450
My first thought was: since obviously both sexes never seem to be too enthusiastic about performing oral sex, it would only be fair if both partners "contribute" equally in that department. So either that means your wife owes you some favors or you reduce yours.
At the same time, I have never felt and acted in terms of doing favors or conditioning a sexual relationship. It all should come as part of the fun of feeling close to one`s partner and pleasing one another is just part of it. Through the course of a relationship, routines need to be broken up, maybe your wife is not even that keen on receiving oral sex anymore, who knows. And maybe she would not mind giving oral sex if you had not mentioned you want her to swallow. At some point you have to figure out each others likes and wishes anew.

Now about the swallowing part. Why would it make a difference in physical sensation for you whether she swallows or not, where your sperm ends up? If oral sex gets you to the point of no return, does it matter? Is it something about their partner`s submission that men enjoy? Even though I can understand any man who doesn`t want to sink his face into female territory, the swallowing always has this touch of a power game. That`s hard to deal with. It is like saying: here, drink this can of glue, just for me...




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82861_tn?1333457511
I wish this board had a poll function.  Count me in with RockRose!  :-)
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146191_tn?1236881412
slow-healer - why dont you just keep your two-cents to yourself. this forum is about opinion. the OP asked for advice and opinions and thats what hes getting. from all walks of life. they way you attacked me about my opinion is almost as ridiculous as your comment about rockrose being honset with the guy about what oral sex is like for a woman. DO NOT tell me to lighten up. if you want to sit here all day long talking about blow-jobs, be my guest. if you want to devote all your time to helping this guy get his wife to go down on him, thats great. my opnion was clear and concise and the OP can do with it what he pleases. its not your job to defend anyone, so i dont know why you need to comment on other peoples responses. do you have nothing better to do?
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Avatar_f_tn
This is an OPEN forum, people can and should give their 2 cents to anyone that posts.  I've been blasted a few times so it's something you just get used to.  For instance, I think your posts sound very emotional and not necessarily helpful to the OP, however that is my opinion but the OP may find you helpful therefore I hope you continue to post to people.

The OP is here looking for opinions and advice.  He's a big boy and I'm sure he can take whatever we dish out.  In addition,  the majority of posters on here are women so he is very smart to search us out since he obviously cares about his wife but may not understand what she feels in regards to orl sex.  

Regarding slow_healer, if you read through some of her posts you will see that she is very good at sizing up a situation with compassion, wit and most of all, great analytical skills. If she sees something awry, she says so and it is her right to do so.  While other posters may say leave a 2 sentence response without saying much or being "bland", slow_healer actually delves into the issue at hand and gives educated responses while being compassionate at the same time.  This forum is lucky to have someone of such high caliber give her time and opinions.  In many instances, slow_healers advice and opinion has opened my eyes and thinking and helped me resolve some of my personal issues and I am sure, very sure, that she has helped countless others as well.  

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Avatar_n_tn
This isn't worth my time.  Some of you people need to visit the mental health board.

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264156_tn?1206990594
Well gee since your time is so precious thanks for using some of it for your pleasant compliments. You came here and ASKED our opinions. Adk and you shall receive. Bu bye
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Avatar_n_tn
I talked to my wife about it over the weekend and we had Chinese food, a bottle of wine, and a evening of fun.  She didn't mind at all but just thought I liked it better with regular sex.  So communication works.  I also suprised her with a sex toy that i bought {vibrator} which we used and she was very satisfied.  It's the first time we ever had sex where she had 4 orgasms.  

Thanks for the advise but looks like I took care of it.  I never wanted it all the time but just on special occasions.

I see I struck a nerve here.  
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Avatar_f_tn
It's a shame to see comments like yours but we can't win them all.  I hardly ever agree with sugarpea but in this case, she hit the nail on the head (so to speak).

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Avatar_n_tn
girliegirl, I'd say your comments are out of line, misquoting me, and at odds with each other:

"of course, raindelay, once again, giving excuses to have an affair, or "tryst" as  he likes to call it. "hey, your wife won't give your oral sex, okay, then go find someone who will!"


If you'll come down off of the morality soapbox for five minutes and reread my posts to bengineer you'll see that I never condoned the behavior.  

What I did question is the ends and whether or not disclosing what he did was the best route.  Again I post the question, which is the better route:

1.  bengineer makes mistake, learns from it and goes on to a better husband.

or

2.  bengineer tells his wife about his cheating, tryst, lust, nuclear explosion, genocide or whatever else you want to label it and his relationship falls apart.

You can feel vindicated in your position all the way to divorce court.  In life there are no absolutes and we live in a world of gray.  Maybe you don't but then there's reality.

God forbid you ever have to face these issues but I have seen them as friends/relatives have transitioned in their lives from college to marriage to kids to careers to divorces to illnesses.  A lot of **** goes on in those phases that you'd never thought you'd see and tolerate yourself.

But guess what, looking at three little pairs of eyes and weighing the ramifications of that minute of weakness becomes a slam dunk decision.  The act was not right, I don't condone it, but there it is.


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146191_tn?1236881412
this isnt about bengineer raindelay and i don't wish to continue the discussion as it is no longer an issue. and i don't think your prediction of me getting a divorce is warranted or accurate. lets not throw stones. you dont know me and i don't know you. i dont agree with your outlook on some of the situations that arise in this forum. i am entitled to disagree. don't take it so personally.
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Avatar_n_tn
1.  You brought the bengineer post up here by being sarcastic about my opinion.
2.  I didn't make a prediction of you getting a divorce.  Read what I wrote.  
3.  There was no stone throwing.
4.  I am not taking it personally.  The emotion on this forum came from you.
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146191_tn?1236881412
1. i wasnt talking about bengineer specifically.
2. "You can feel vindicated in your position all the way to divorce court". if any other third person read this, what do you think they would think?
3. #2 qualifies as stone throwing.
4. i have no emotion invested in this forum or any other. i was simply stating my opinion of the situation and discusson up to that point. i think its a silly thing for people to be investing so much thought in. so i shared. why would anyone have such a huge problem with that? if you or anyone else doesnt like what i say, then choose to ignore it. is that so hard to do?
5. move on please.
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Avatar_f_tn
That's true Teko.  I wonder if I should post over there 'cause my panties are in a twist.  
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177641_tn?1189759437
Wow, holy smokes.

girliegrl, there's a difference between "opinions" and accusations. People come here for opinions, yes, but not to be accused of being selfish and inconsiderate.
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264156_tn?1206990594
Come on people now
smile on your brother
every body get together
try and love one another
right now

lol
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Avatar_m_tn
Personally oral sex is something people do not because they enjoy it but rather they enjoy the pleasure it gives their partner.

So far as women giving oral sex?  Get a sax manual people!  Since when does oral sex on a guy have to be like swallowing 30" polish sausage?  Most of the best techniques do no even involve deep throating anything!

Next I'm just waiting to here that guys need giraffe like 20" tongues!  LOL just out of curiousity how many of the women who have posted think that they are a 100% pleasurable to perform oral sex upon?  Most people due this stuff for an unselfish concern for there partners pleasure.

ponder this.  men equate sex, or what they are willing to do in sex with love.
women equate love, or what they are willing to do in love with sex.

Then tell me are men or women the greater romantics?
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264156_tn?1206990594
wow. I know for an absolute fact my husband thoroughly enjoys going down. I think him and I share the same feeling on oral sex, we totally enjoy doing it and not just for the sheer pleasure of the other. Ya know I appreciate others opinions on this matter, but I don't think people should make blanket statements that nobody enjoys giving oral sex cuz that is COMPLETELY wrong. Speak for yourself.

Thank you good day
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142722_tn?1281537216
I don't like to give head either but the one thing that I DO ENJOY about it is seeing a man liking it and knowing "hey I made him feel good."  I hate the *** though and it just tastes nasty but I have always been one to swallow.  I swallow it jump out of the bed or where I am and brush my teeth!!!!!!!   It is a taste all to its own and not very good.  Never have I had a man *** on my face and if that ever happen, he would be hurting ;)
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Avatar_n_tn
I don't mind the oral, but I have never and probably wont swallow. When I get the pre *** taste i gotta stop and 'calm down my gag reflexes', lol. He either changes it up before he does his thing, or warns me so I dont get it in my mouth. =)
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Avatar_m_tn
Actually I like going down on my lady but the joy is only partially from the taste and mostly from feeling the tendons in her legs trembling, her hips flexing and the way her eyes close and her lips part but...  Taste wise I think I still prefer sherbet over her taste though.

That is what I meant by saying what I did!!

I guarantee that if you quit giving him oral 100% he'd start getting resentful but since you both give as well as receive the pleasure is a source of joy not resentment.
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Avatar_f_tn
my boyfriend loves to het head and i dont really give it he dont go out any where and get it but will see i would give it to him only sometimes i cant see when i was a little girl starting at age 3 iwas forced to give my uncle head up untill i was 10 so when my boyfriend ask me to give him head sometimes i will even start to cry because i get scared and think about my past mayby your girl had something like that dont to her aswell so before to go getting upset maybe you should go a little deeper into your lady and ask i think i would kinda enjoy pleasing my man in that way if i could get over my own past.
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372760_tn?1201479497
Wow.. this is an intense forum.. I must join!!!


this probably should be posted a little higher.. but I just read all of this and I have a couple things to say..


I still cant believe that lane just ran away like that....and said "we" need to join the mental health board.. lol..when seems like alot of people on here were trying to help...

Hey lane.. you're the one who's complaining because his wife doesnt want to go down on him.. lol
Im glad you had your bottle of wine, but want to know something? Most of us women are really good at lying.. Hence the whole fake orgasm, we know how to trick men well, and Im sorry boys, alot of you fall for it...  maybe shes winning the game here.. ever thought of that???
Shes getting you to go down on her all the time and she doesnt need to do anything in return.. lol...   I think she might be winning...
Or... she just doesnt like ur "wee wee"...

Take care buddy!!
Next time you come on here pleading for advice and ALL Of these wonderful people on here are willing to  help you out anyway then can.. take the advice and shut up. Or don't bother posting on here.

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Avatar_f_tn
that is the only way to go talk with your spose first and then you will know whwre you stand    glad you got it straight  jo
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332074_tn?1229564125
I agree with jo919, Talk about it with your partner and see what will satisfy both of you.
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381551_tn?1208757643
I know its been a while and it seems like you resolved this but I'd like to put in my opinion.  I really enjoy giving my man oral... well I guess I just love the fact that he gets so excited about it... but I can't swollow.  I have a bad gag reflex and a weak stomach. So, to make up both happy we do a couple different things.  1) I give him oral in the shower so that when he does start to come I just stop and the water washes it right away  2) I start on him and when he's ready he pulls out and comes on my chest (its more sexy than it sounds...) or 3) We use oral as a warm up and before he's too close we move on to other things. There are ways to work it out so that you still get oral and she doesn't have to worry about trying to spit or swollow.  
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968185_tn?1248259181
I know this posting was a long time ago but I hope I can help you. First I want to point out that men usually finish just from intercourse, women don't. If you do other things for her to finish why does it matter you got your anyway! But I can understand what you are talking about. I guess I was the opposite of others I would only do this for my boyfriend on special occasions or if I had too much to drink. Now that we have been together for a long time I love to do this for him. I love to hear how he breathes when I do it and how good I make him feel, and it really turns me on. The act never did before, but I googled it. I read from guys why they love it, how it makes them feel loved and how a woman who can do this well is irreplacable. I always focused on just what I was doing before, but after googling it (he kept asking for it) I started focusing on what I was doing to him. It did disgust me before but now when I hear and see what I did to him I want to do it all the time. Also, about her swallowing it, my boyfriend said before me, and he is 35, nobody had ever finished him with oral sex. He also said he didn't like it because he thinks it smells funny and must taste nasty and didn't want to make me have it in my mouth, and I didn't even swallow. That consideration for me made me want to do it even more, I told him I liked it (even though it does not taste good) and he can do it whenever he wants and now I do it quite often. Maybe try getting with her one day and look up different techniques to try and read about how intimate it actually is. And show some consideration, if she doesn't want it in her mouth don't pressure her.  
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Avatar_m_tn
I have been a sex therapist/marriage counselor for over 30 yrs.  I have seen couples with this problem time and time again. Here's what I tell men,
ALL men:
There is a difference between wanting something and fixating on it.
If your wife tried this in the beginning of the relationship but wouldn't there after, it only indicates that she tried but found she can't, not that she doesn't love you. In fact she may love you more than she could love anyone.
If you have been married more than 5 years you should be past this. If you are not past this it indicates you are fixated on it which is not a good thing.
Let me just say this to you, If your wife hates it that much and it causes her grief, why would you persist? If you love your wife, you would not want her to do anything that causes her grief. This is never productive.
Not only that, but if you become this fixated on one act, even after 5 yrs. of marriage then I would suggest you may need some personal counseling.
It's not normal to become fixated on one particular thing and dismiss the marriage because of it.
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