Overly Attached

[sdchick]

Hello, I am a 33 year old woman. I have been in a relationship with a great guy for the last year and a half. I have recently realized I am way over attached to my boyfriend. Our relationship is good but I will, at times, get overly emotional and start questioning our relationship. I, sadly, end up interrogating him with a barrage of questions like "do you love me" and so on. I end up in breakdown mode. I know most of this is my own self esteem issues. But for some reason I never had these problems before. I feel like a little girl in love for the first time and literally obsessed with him. I know I love him but I feel that it has reached an unhealthy level. I try to "fake it till you make it" and keep my crazy contained but sometimes it comes out.  I just feel like I am not good enough for him. And the worst part is I air those feelings to him. Which I know will only result in him feeling like I am not good enough for him either. Anyone have any ideas on how to contain my crazy?

Here is some background on us. Me: 33,single mom of 2. Studying to become a nurse. Works as HIS office manager (this started after we got together he owns a small business and its just us and 1 other employee) I have recently lost a lot of weight and still losing more.
Him: 31 never married no kids. Shows signs of Aspergers. Has a past of dating women in other countries and seeing prostitutes. I am his first American girlfriend..... (PLEASE calm down. If you knew him you would understand that he has issues talking to people. I was mortified when I found out his past but it all makes sense to me now. Someone with his personality traits and potentially Aspergers has a very hard time talking to people. After evaluating the situation it made perfect sense to me that he pay for companionship if he could not acquire it through traditional methods. Also I would like to ad that after meeting me all of these behaviors have stopped.) I think some of his past with these beautiful women might be what is affecting me as well. In addition to this he has admitted he is in love me but he doesn't tell me he does. He also doesnt display his affections the way most men would. He is not very romantic and sex is very mechanical to him. Though he takes pride in pleasing me sexually, but its more like a game to him, and often times he will not climax. Which also makes me feel substandard.
I feel like I am going on and on here so if there are any other questions please feel free to ask. And please help me to rid the crazy chick who is living in my head.

[Nighthawk61]

I know with myself and many others , therapy always seems to take a back seat to everything. We don't know how much it will cost, we don't know how long it will take so fear of the unknown motivates us to slide it to the back burner. The thing is, I don't think that going in for coping tools for an inferiority complex or self esteem issues necessarily needs to be of a long duration, especially if you ask yourself what the reasons are. I know what my self esteem issues stemmed from. There are many self help books on the subject, and probably alot of information on the internet that could help you to cope. You've said that you know enough not to show your weakness or drive him away by obsessing about your self esteem issues, so make sure you do that. Come on here and make some friends, or use your friends on the outside to talk about things, just don't expose your insecurities to him. If this man didn't think alot of you, you wouldn't be in an 18 month relationship. You have to isolate the reasons for your low self esteem, and find coping tools. Specifically, you need to change the negative self talk I would imagine. And you need to develop your interests and hobbies outside of your profession (I recently became involved in Pyrograph which is wood burning / carving) so you can feel good about being a well rounded individual. It will give you something of interest to talk to your boyfriend about instead of looking for the relationship to fill the void? You may need to get an exercise program in effect, and you may need to make some girlfriends (maybe at the gym) that might help you from obsessing about your relationship. If your problem is obsession then take some time focus on someone and something else. You're going to get through this, with some focus on your part. I'm here if you want to chat. Liz

[Londres70]

Great advice SM.

[sdchick]

Thanks Ladies

[specialmom]

Here are some places that offer free or inexpensive counseling---  often local YWCA's offer it, churches often employ counselors on staff for those in their church to utilizie, and any type of clinic setting.  

[Londres70]

Dear......self esteem issues CAN'T be address over the internet.  This should be sorted with the help of a professional therapist who can give you the time and expertise as we can't do that for you here.  I have no "tips" for you to try.  This sounds involved.  

Is there free counseling services you can look into?    

[sdchick]

Thank you. I will try some of those things. I think once this semester starts it will ease up a bit because I will be more engulfed in my studies. And my time with him will be more limited.

[sdchick]

Hello, Thank you for your response as well.

I agree that our working relationship is not ideal. We had been dating about 6 months. I had experienced a severe hit to my business and he lost his office manager. I started helping him out and then just fell into the position. We work very well together. And I get to see him every weekday so it makes it very hard to leave my job with him. As I feel I want to spend every second with him that I can.

Yes, I talked about  his "flaws"  But mostly because I think that maybe they are the reasons why I feel so substandard. Not because I view them as his flaws. I wish I could say the past is in the past because part of me feels that way. But every now and then it sneaks up on me.

To address your statement "I say that because maybe he 'can't get close to someone' the way you want and you trying to make it happen by obsessing over him and worrying about it won't make it come true." The thing is is that he can. And has. We have a very close and tightly bonded relationship. Not only as lovers but as best friends. It's very hard to explain our dynamic. Everyone that knows the 2 of us say that we are yin and yang. It is weird because I KNOW he loves me as much as I love him. He just shows it in a way that I am not used to. Again, possibly a reason why I feel the way I do sometimes.

I dont feel the need to be in a relationship and when I met him i was dating more than one other man who met the same qualifications on paper as he does. But I did not feel the bond with them that I do with him.

It's not that I want to change him because I don't. I just want to try to find a way to get through my own insecurities.

[specialmom]

Okay, have seen your response to not being able to afford therapy.  Put it on the to do list for when you can.  ::>)

This is one of those things in which you have to practice good self control.  When you feel like calling, texting, or thinking about him---  actively turn your mind to something else.  Have some go to projects to work on.  Don't know how old your kids are but think of something you want to teach them and when you are starting to drift to obsessive thoughts of him, picture turning the switch in your brain to something else. Research what you'd like to teach your kids on line.  Or whatever, just something to take your mind elsewhere.

You are studying for nursing which is terrific.  Throw yourself into your studies.  When the obssessive thoughts of him drift into your mind, again, picture turning the channel to something else.

Do not expect to have plans with him.  This is so hard to do when you work with him.  Ugh, one of the reasons why work romances have a lot of problems.  

Is it possible for you to look for a job elsewhere??  You don't have to take it but just look at what other options you have.  And if you find one, explain to him that you want to continue dating him but think it is best you don't work together.  

Does that make sense?

[sdchick]

Hi, I realized after I posted a comment that I should have just replied to your comment in order for you to get a notification. But I did post the answers to your questions on the main thread. Thank You in advance for reading it.

[specialmom]

I agree with Londres questions for you.  Therapy would be good here.  

Personally, work romances are often not a great idea.  And one with someone that has difficulty talking to others in which you suspect aspergers ----  also, maybe not a great idea.  I say that because maybe he 'can't get close to someone' the way you want and you trying to make it happen by obsessing over him and worrying about it won't make it come true.

I'm not really sure what the question is here to be honest.  You start by talking about being overly attached.  Do I think that is a problem?  In general, yes.  No woman should be more attached to their partner than they are to them.  That doesn't feel good.  I also think that no woman should attach before there is a foundation to the relationship which it sounds like that is limited here.  

then you go on to talk about his flaws.  

I'm wondering if you are not really desiring to be in a relationship and he as a single, financially stable man doesn't make you feel motivated to be with him even though he isn't a great match for you.

I do think therapy is a really good idea.  good luck

[sdchick]

Self esteem issues no I have not sought therapy as of yet for these issues as they have only recently surfaced.

I have not diagnosed him with Aspergers, though he possesses many of the traits an Aspie would possess. I have however had a lot of experience with Aspies and he does fit the mold, for more reasons than what I have explained here.  

No, I am not completely surprised  by some of this. Though I would like to note that he only saw "professionals" if you will while visiting countries where this was legal. Which was not often. I don't think his past brings the mechanical part of our sex life into play as much as it is just his personality. He likes pleasing me because He has never brought a woman to climax before he met me. He has explained it that he wants to please me so he will hold back and stop himself from climaxing to the point in which he ends up not being able to. ( am I making sense?)

And lastly, yes, I am 100% sure that he is no longer participating in these acts.

Most importantly, I think that the way I wrote my question may have come out differently than I intended. The problem here is me. I have no doubts that I am in need of therapy but at this time I cannot afford professional help. Which is why I turned here. I know the people here aren't professionals but was hoping that I could possibly find something to help me get by. Or at least help me from breaking down in front of him. Not only do I not want to show my weakness but I also don't want to drive him away.
Thank You for your response Londres. I look forward hearing from you again.

[Londres70]

"I know most of this is my own self esteem issues".......Any therapy for this?

Are you diagnosing him with Asperger's?  These traits don't necessarily mean he has Asperger's.

"He also doesnt display his affections the way most men would. He is not very romantic and sex is very mechanical to him. Though he takes pride in pleasing me sexually, but its more like a game to him, and often times he will not climax. Which also makes me feel substandard.".........are you surprised by this given his past?

"Also I would like to ad that after meeting me all of these behaviors have stopped.".......are you 100% certain about that?