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Painful Jealousy
I'm 27. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 18 months now, we have a house together and things are generally good, but despite the stability of our relationship, I find myself jealous all the time. So much so that I am in constant states of anger and upset.
He is the only guy I have ever slept with and I love him with all my heart. He, on the other hand had several lovers, relationships, and a one-night stand before me, and I can't get them out of my mind. I find myself constantly thinking about these other women, imagining them together. Even when we are making love I imagine hime doing it with them. I try so hard to stop but I can't.
He is still in contact with so many of these ex-lovers that I seem to be constantly reminded of them. He even suggested once going to stay with this 'friend of his'. We were on our way, when i asked how he knew her, and eventually he admitted having only met her once and sleeping with her on that occasion. Why would he take me to see her, and them both have that secret from me? That is not a one-night stand to me, why is he still talking to her?
I have thought about leaving, and one day finding another guy, without this history, but now I'm soiled goods, that would just be the same. To me, sex is so special, he's the only one I want to share it with.
I get so angry, and I'm ruining our relationship with so much hatred boiling inside me.
Please talk to me.
He is the only guy I have ever slept with and I love him with all my heart. He, on the other hand had several lovers, relationships, and a one-night stand before me, and I can't get them out of my mind. I find myself constantly thinking about these other women, imagining them together. Even when we are making love I imagine hime doing it with them. I try so hard to stop but I can't.
He is still in contact with so many of these ex-lovers that I seem to be constantly reminded of them. He even suggested once going to stay with this 'friend of his'. We were on our way, when i asked how he knew her, and eventually he admitted having only met her once and sleeping with her on that occasion. Why would he take me to see her, and them both have that secret from me? That is not a one-night stand to me, why is he still talking to her?
I have thought about leaving, and one day finding another guy, without this history, but now I'm soiled goods, that would just be the same. To me, sex is so special, he's the only one I want to share it with.
I get so angry, and I'm ruining our relationship with so much hatred boiling inside me.
Please talk to me.
I can see why you would be bothered. It's one thing to have a past but it's another thing to have that past still lingering around. You can't change what he's done before he even met you and unfortunately, he's had more experience than you. You can not blame him for this nor can you hold him to it because he didn't even know you at the time. He was lucky enough to meet someone that didn't have any past sexual history so for him it is easy to trust. You have to keep reminding yourself that what he did prior to meeting you has no impact on your current relationship. Although, it does seem a little aggravating that he's still friends with all his ex-lovers. Have you discussed your feelings about the situation with him? If it bothers you is he willing to give up these friendships to make you happy? Let him know if the shoe was on the other foot and you still were in contact with your ex's, how would he feel? I just don't think that it leads to a healthy relationship if you still have the ex's lingering in the background unless children are involved.
Relationships are all about trust, you need to learn to develop that. If he hasn't given you reasons to doubt him than I can say that he sounds trustworthy. You are the only one who can work on that. Good luck.
Relationships are all about trust, you need to learn to develop that. If he hasn't given you reasons to doubt him than I can say that he sounds trustworthy. You are the only one who can work on that. Good luck.
You don't sound emotionally mature enough for a long-term relationship. Sorry. Being in a constant state of "anger and upset" is not only unhealthy for you physically and emotionally, it's not appropriate. I would want to know what familial experiences you had that would trigger this. Was your father withholding in his love for you? Did you feel you had to fight for your father's attention? (Or whoever the primary male was in your life, it may not have been your father.)
If this is your first relationship and your first sexual partner, it is not this guy that is triggering your feelings. It's your past experiences, which have impacted you emotionally (whether you realize it or not) far more than this particular person has. That needs to be examined.
If he has reassured you that he is in love with you and that there is nothing else going on, and you can't buy that, ultimately it's going to take down the relationship. I suggest psychotherapy for you to start examining these issues.
The problem with issues like this is that we require healthy loving relationships to help us heal from the emotional damage inflicted on us in the past. Unfortunately, we have so little insight and ability to control our behavior and feelings that we end up not being open to the acceptance and love of our partners BECAUSE of the overriding damage we've experienced. It's a Catch-22.
If you don't start working on this, you'll lose your partner. Bottom line. I have been with partners who expressed similar feelings as you, and I could only tolerate so much - one in particular just couldn't get past his jealousy despite my continual reassurances, so I had to break it off.
I suggest psychotherapy to get at the root of your deep insecurities, because they don't have much to do with your partner.
If this is your first relationship and your first sexual partner, it is not this guy that is triggering your feelings. It's your past experiences, which have impacted you emotionally (whether you realize it or not) far more than this particular person has. That needs to be examined.
If he has reassured you that he is in love with you and that there is nothing else going on, and you can't buy that, ultimately it's going to take down the relationship. I suggest psychotherapy for you to start examining these issues.
The problem with issues like this is that we require healthy loving relationships to help us heal from the emotional damage inflicted on us in the past. Unfortunately, we have so little insight and ability to control our behavior and feelings that we end up not being open to the acceptance and love of our partners BECAUSE of the overriding damage we've experienced. It's a Catch-22.
If you don't start working on this, you'll lose your partner. Bottom line. I have been with partners who expressed similar feelings as you, and I could only tolerate so much - one in particular just couldn't get past his jealousy despite my continual reassurances, so I had to break it off.
I suggest psychotherapy to get at the root of your deep insecurities, because they don't have much to do with your partner.
I agree with mami1323. The question here really is: is it okay with you that your boyfriend stays in contact with all of these women who he has had a past with ? And it is okay that he tries to leave that information out before he introduces you to them ?
"I have thought about leaving, and one day finding another guy, without this history, but now I'm soiled goods, that would just be the same. To me, sex is so special, he's the only one I want to share it with."
What makes you "soiled goods?" Good luck finding a guy without a sexual history. I guess you can only date virgins, but WTF?? No, this isn't his problem, ultimately.
Your expectations for future relationships are clearly unrealistic. And it's great that "he's so special" he's the only one you want, but this is your first relationship. I guess it's normal to feel that way, but at some level it is fantasy engagement. It probably won't be your last relationship. In fact, you have a 50-50 chance it won't be your last.
Try and figure out where your intense feelings of insecurity are coming from.
What makes you "soiled goods?" Good luck finding a guy without a sexual history. I guess you can only date virgins, but WTF?? No, this isn't his problem, ultimately.
Your expectations for future relationships are clearly unrealistic. And it's great that "he's so special" he's the only one you want, but this is your first relationship. I guess it's normal to feel that way, but at some level it is fantasy engagement. It probably won't be your last relationship. In fact, you have a 50-50 chance it won't be your last.
Try and figure out where your intense feelings of insecurity are coming from.
barn babe is right, there aren't a lot of guys that are virgins in their 20's. You are not soiled goods sweetie. Look I'm sure that every guys fantasy is to be with a virgin but nowadays it is not a prerequisite for marriage. Unless you are extremely religous, it is not necessary to remain a virgin. It's amazing that you did wait as long as you did and very commendable but don't think that just because you have lost your virginity to this man, you must stay with him. If he's good to you, he treats you with respect and loves you than that's why you should stay with him. Don't force yourself into an unhappy relationship (not saying it is), just because you are no longer a virgin.
while i dont think being jealous like you are is healthy, i dont get why he is still in contact with old lovers? and to stay the night over is out of the question. i dont mean to be mean but i dont think this sounds like its going great. love shouldnt be this way. have you talked to him about why he keeps these friendships with his ex's? my dh didnt like me talking to someone i had a past with and i ended it. my respect and love was to my dh and even though it did bother me, i dont miss it. i am happy i chose my dh. but that is me. but you know, you live together, but are not married. some men dont see that as having to change their patterns. get this open and taken care of now. before marriage pops into your head.
and as far as finding someone that hasnt been with others, i wouldnt want that. i would want a lover that is experienced, learned a few "tricks" lol. if i have to show them and teach them everything what fun is that! dont be so bent on a number. and im sorry but to imagine him with others while you two are having sex, doesnt seem right.
I can relate to you on a few accounts, and while I agree that you are not soiled goods, I have felt that way before too. I agree with the other posters that the thing you need to decide is if it bothers you that he is in contact with these women from his past. Have you talked to him about that?
My husband and I struggled (and still are working thru) a problem very similar to this. I had a sexual past and my husband didn't. He struggles with the things that you do, like trying not to envision me with others. Anyway, I go out of my way to assure him that I don't want anyone but him and I have no contact whatsoever with these men. I do that because I love and respect him- and it's not like I can go back and erase it, though I would- but since I can't, this is the next best thing.
I realize it is different since I am married, and you're just dating, but if it really bothers you, I'd like to think he'd take those steps on ceasing communication with these women- or going to stay with them for that matter. I don't get that part. Anyway, you are not soiled goods girl- you have just as much to offer a man just as you did when you were a virgin! We don't just have our bodies to give people, but our hearts and emotions too. Don't let that mind set keep you from a relationship with someone else, or from the one you have with your boyfriend. Good luck!
My husband and I struggled (and still are working thru) a problem very similar to this. I had a sexual past and my husband didn't. He struggles with the things that you do, like trying not to envision me with others. Anyway, I go out of my way to assure him that I don't want anyone but him and I have no contact whatsoever with these men. I do that because I love and respect him- and it's not like I can go back and erase it, though I would- but since I can't, this is the next best thing.
I realize it is different since I am married, and you're just dating, but if it really bothers you, I'd like to think he'd take those steps on ceasing communication with these women- or going to stay with them for that matter. I don't get that part. Anyway, you are not soiled goods girl- you have just as much to offer a man just as you did when you were a virgin! We don't just have our bodies to give people, but our hearts and emotions too. Don't let that mind set keep you from a relationship with someone else, or from the one you have with your boyfriend. Good luck!
This could be a self-feeding cycle. If your boyfriend knows how upset you're getting with each mention of a previous friendship/relationship with a girl, he may be neglecting to mention JUST to avoid another needless disagreement. My current partner is also friends with his exes, but certainly not in contact on a regular basis. He always makes it clear that I'm his number one priority (as far as relationships go). Are you getting that from your partner?
If you are getting that assurrance from your partner, then I would agree with the previous posters - this jealously probably goes beyond your boyfriend. It's a problem that's likely to stay NO MATTER who you're with.
One last thought. The majority of my guy friends HATE sleeping with virgins, and think it's grossly overrated. They don't like having to be so calm and careful, feeling like if they screw this up then they will be responsible for a girl who hates sex for the rest of her life. They would much rather be with a girl whom they can relax with and just enjoy themselves. I think with dating today, it's not about purity (though STD-free is certainly good!) - it's more about respect (do your past relationships show you respect your partner? that you respect yourself???).
If you are getting that assurrance from your partner, then I would agree with the previous posters - this jealously probably goes beyond your boyfriend. It's a problem that's likely to stay NO MATTER who you're with.
One last thought. The majority of my guy friends HATE sleeping with virgins, and think it's grossly overrated. They don't like having to be so calm and careful, feeling like if they screw this up then they will be responsible for a girl who hates sex for the rest of her life. They would much rather be with a girl whom they can relax with and just enjoy themselves. I think with dating today, it's not about purity (though STD-free is certainly good!) - it's more about respect (do your past relationships show you respect your partner? that you respect yourself???).
Sexually inexperienced men are a drag. I've had my fair share, and probably most women who have some experience under their belt have been through this. It works the same way for men dealing with insecure or inexperienced women.
Slow_healer is right about the virgin thing. It's overrated. And nobody much gives a **** any more about bagging one, especially given that you are planning to date men in their 20s and 30s. Most men would probably see it as a liability, as slow_healer said. So put that one out of your mind.
I suspect these issues will come up again. Like I said, if this is your first relationship, you are bringing emotional baggage from the past into it. BTW, that's common. Most of us come from really ****** up familial situations, and women especially with emotionally distant problems tend to act out with their male partners in ways that mimic the relationship they had with their father.
Slow_healer is right about the virgin thing. It's overrated. And nobody much gives a **** any more about bagging one, especially given that you are planning to date men in their 20s and 30s. Most men would probably see it as a liability, as slow_healer said. So put that one out of your mind.
I suspect these issues will come up again. Like I said, if this is your first relationship, you are bringing emotional baggage from the past into it. BTW, that's common. Most of us come from really ****** up familial situations, and women especially with emotionally distant problems tend to act out with their male partners in ways that mimic the relationship they had with their father.
women with emotionally distant "fathers," not problems.
Where is the EDIT or PREVIEW function in this forum!?
Where is the EDIT or PREVIEW function in this forum!?
One of the things that struck me is that he does not seem to value you being a virgin the same way you do. If he knew going into this that you were going to be his first, he really has a responsibility to either a) let you know totally what you are getting into (i.e. he should realize that most women who do save themselves for that lucky guy get more emotionally attached and have higher expectations and feelings for that guy since they did wait all this time) b) not date you at all if this is very significant to you and if it is not to him. Relationships that work well are those that are evenly matched and in which both partners share similar values and backgrounds. The fact too he is still friends with the exs when you are not the type to be that way also means that there is a difference in viewpoint here and he probably does not see it the same way you do because he more likely views sex with less of an emotional attachment. I would be honest with him and if he truly is not the guy for you as you don't have the same values, etc., you may have to move on and find someone who is. There is nothing wrong with this if this is a priority to you, find someone who has that as a priority to them too.
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