Parents can get over wife not being able to have children
Hello my name is edward, im 27 and have been married for a little over a year. My wife jill and i live about in california and my parents live in Alaska.
We recently invited my parents down for a little holiday on the beach, and everything had been going splendid. over dinner one night my mom asked when we where thinking about kids. Jill and I had decided that where going to adopt, it really is the only safe option for jill, because of medical reasons. Having a baby would seriously risk her life. My parents know this, but somehow i don't think they completely understand how dangerous it would be for jill.
well after my mom asked. we tell them our plan to adopt. The first thing my father says is " your not even going to try at all", followed by my mom saying " i was so hoping for a little Edward". they looked crushed.
Well it would be an understatement to say my wife and I where both stunned, my parents quickly apologized said they had a bit to much to drink. and the night continued with all of us ignoring the elephant in the room. I noticed the next day that my parents have been cold to jill. after a day or so of my parents cold shoulder, and not so hidden glares at my self. we had it out.
basically my parents could not understand how my wife, would not give a 100% and try to conceive, Jill went on to explain to them again why she would not. and they still dont understand.
dont get me wrong I would love fro my wife to have our child, but when i fell in love with jill, i accepted that it was not a possibility. I can understand why my parents our upset. I am an only child. But they have become obsessed with the idea that their grand kids, wont be flesh and blood.
But they have taken my jills decision not to try as a personal slight to them, and they are furious with me for not fighting harder to convince her. I love my wife and i can not wait to start a family with her. i am truly happy to adopt. but my parents have not let up what was once a good relationship between my wife and parents has now become my wife's tears and my mothers jabs. saying things like, she will never form the mother, baby bond. because she just picked hers up. that if she really wanted a baby she would try. other things like that. its gotten to the point where we have just stopped talking to my parents.
I am heart sick over the whole thing, Jill is just crushed over the loss of my parents affection. ( her parents are not good people). I just wish i could make my parents understand. Make them see that jill will be no less a mother for adopting. and the baby will be no less apart of the family. I simply do not know how to absolve this problem. I need advice.
I have a sense that your parents don't understand that it's a life and death thing. I wonder if giving them information about her condition would help?
My brother had a similar problem with his wife, and they adopted, and by the luck of the draw got a baby that looks just like her. She's kind of an unusual looking woman - beautiful though - and he's an unusual looking child. But they look identical. And he's a firestorm. ;D He couldn't be more a part of our extended family if he were there by birth instead of adoption.
I am curious do you mind sharing what condition your wife has? There are so many conditions that make it difficult to get pregnant, but fewer that are life threatening if pregnancy is achieved. I'm just nosierosie.
I'm really sorry . . . I must say that I think your parents are really out of line. I think that if your wife has a medical issue (or even if she didn't) this is your decision as a couple. It is cruel to make her feel bad if she is not meant or able to bare children. I am sure they are disappointed (as are you---- and your wife), but you are making the best of your circumstances.
I think since they are your parents, you must deal with this. Call them and say----- no more of this. You are in agreement with your wife on the issue and you won't tolerate any comments or ill treatment of her. That you are going to adopt a child and you expect them to love this child dearly as you will. If they can't handle that . . .then this is their problem.
Good luck and I hope this turns out that they accept this and treat your wife with kindness and love your adopted child.
I feel sorry for Jill and how she was treated. As much as you both love your family, you might want to distance yourself for a while...they will get the message and you both live your lives the way you think is best. It's easier said than done and they are your parents and her parents too, but if her life will be in danger and she is high risk in a pregnancy, make sure to get a second opinion and do everything possible to see if it is possible, BUT if it will cost her, her life, I think adoptions is beautiful. There are sooo many innocent children that do not know what is like to have the love of a parent, so you both do what you feel is right for you and parents will just have to butt out and accept what they can't change...your decisions. Good luck, Judy
Maybe you could ask them this... if Jill were their daughter or if it were you who needed to endanger your life to have this baby would they be so willing for you to do this then? I personally think not, it's almost as if because she isn't their flesh and blood it's ok to put her in harms way just so they can have a granchild, but id gaurentee if the shoe were on the other foot they would be thinking differently.
Judy's right just keep your distance for now and when they realise you both anit going to budge on this then maybe they will come around.
Thanks Julie and I think it's sad that they would make her feel "defective" and see her through eyes of judgement and that's just wrong. I wish them both luck and when the family begins to interfere in a marriage in a negative way that will begin to cause unecessary worries, stress and strain, distance themselves for a while and they will get the message. Judy
p.s. it's very difficult for me to advice anyone on distancing themselves from there parents, because I come from a very tight knit family and my mother passed away, but I also advice that this too shall pass with time and they will eventually come around.
thank you ladies for your kind words, it has come to a point with my parents that we have chosen to distance our selves. We are both sick at heart to do it. But i will not put up with them treating my wife that way. I can only hope that in time they understand and we can bee a family again. Even though they live in alaska we are still very close talk on the phone all the time. and even though none of this is her fault, I know Jill feels guilty. And I am sure that if the shoe was on the other foot this would not be happening, but my parents have never really been the sort to delve into what ifs.
And a better note jill and I are looking at children this weekend, we decided on looking at toddlers to young children.
I want to applaud your intention to adopt a child, there are so many american children who need parents just like you and Jill. it is not the sperm that makes a mom and dad but the one who raises them and loves them and teaches them, i think you will make wonderful parents, i do hope your parents come around but if they do not you will have your own children, it is like the Actress Kathryn Hepburn told a President whan he asked her opinion of abortion i will not give her answer but she said there are so many children in america some babys thet need good parents and they need for someone to adopt them luck to both of you jo
Well that sounds like you both have a very exciting weekend ahead, i wish you both all the luck in the world and hope the adoption process goes smoothly for the pair of you and your blessed with a child.
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