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Partner still does everything for Ex
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Partner still does everything for Ex

My partner and I have been together for 6 and a half years he has two children (7 and 10) from his previous marrige and I have two children (8 and 11) we love each other madly and really consider that we are each others sole mates, but right now things have gotten to the point that maybe love is just not enough.  Let me begin by saying he is the best FAther ever to his two children they have his support in everything which is why I fell in love with him in the first place.  BUT he has taken the "would do anything for my children" a bit far and now things are not looking so bright for us.

He pays maintence to his ex wife and is never late he pays for all the kids activities and school clothes and stationery - which is in the divorce agreement so I am happy that he takes this responsibility so serious, but his ex-wife does not arrange the stationery she expects him to, she does not take the children for school clothes she expects him to (AND HE DOES) if he forgets to buy a R5-00 pair of socks she phones him and tells him she needs them, she does not use the maintenance on the kids as every week end she sends the kids to us and when they are with us he does not like to moan and we should not shout if they are being misbehaved as that is not how they are raised in their mother's house.  My children who live with us are constantly been told by him to pick up this and do that (which I agree with because it instills responsibility and builds character) but he does not do this to his children when they are there because he wants them to see him as a YES dad.

His ex wife stays closer to the childrens school than we do but every morning he gets up packs the chilredn lunch and then leaves to go and pick them up at her house and drop them off at school then he or I collect them from school in the afternoon and drop them off at her house or we bring them home bath and feed them abd then he does ot expect her to collect the kids he gets in the car again and goes and drops them off -I AM JUST CRAZY OR IS THIS JUST UNHEALTHY.

If the ex wife actuyally has them for a week end which does not happen often the he up fronts her mony because she has never ever got money but always goes out when we have the kids.  If she has the kids and I suggest we take my two girls to the movies he quickly phones her and asks if she has any plans - she always says no - then we pick up the kids go to movies and when we phone to see if we can drop them off she is out and the kids stay the rest of the week end, if I dare complain he tells me that is it a problem for me if his kids are aroung - I of course say no because I love them but I cant understand why he pays maintence if she never has them and he picks up all the expenses

I am ready to walk out - please help
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13 Comments Post a Comment
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686059_tn?1293837427
First, our partner sounds like a fantastic, responsible man, father and provider. A parent will not only take that extra step for their children and give their very life if necessary as you as a parent are aware.

The problem is the ex-wife and they both should be active with their childrens lives and personal needs. As a mother, I would take on that role of cloth shopping, but I don't see a problem if the father would step in when necessary take them with and buy them cloth. It's a dual role. Also, he must fairly treat "all" the children, yours and his fairly when it comes to pointing out faults or expect respect to both of you in your home, so he needs to be told that when it comes to his children, it's expected that they respect your home the same way they would moms, because if not,kids have a way of knowing who's buttons they can push and get away with and they will act up in your home and that's unexceptable.

I personally did not see anything wrong with him wanting to take his children to the movies with your girls. That means as a father, he thought his kids would also enjoy the movies, since he is probably paying for it also.  You must be very careful with issues regarding his ex and children. I can understand you have been great, cooperative, supportive, tolerant and have taken that extra step to show him how much you love him and his children, but once the "issued" begin to arise, you have to be careful that as a result, it will not cause tension in the relationship, which can escalate to argument.

I would in casual conversation discuss what you see and listen to what he has to say and ask him how can we address these concerns effectively without causing unecessary issues. Put the burden on him to address to his ex and resolve, but, since you are not married to him yet, all you can do is discuss potential future issues and how best to resolve and put the burden on him to address to his ex and properly address discipline rules for your home.  Fine line here, so proceed with caution. Good luck. Judy
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686059_tn?1293837427
Oh, also tell him that you would like quality outing with just you and him and on occasions, you, your children and him as a family. Do the same with him and his children...this is workable if all agree.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I agree with Judy.  He had a committment to his X wife and children as they were married.  He still feels responsible to her and them.  I think that is wonderful.  To be honest, I wish there was more of that in this world.  Spousal support and child support and duties with the kids are all part of leaving a relationship.  While it isn't necessarily fun for the new partner, it is the reality of joining lives with someone that had prior committments and responsibilities.  It is much easier to become involved with someone without committments, but you chose this guy.  He is staying true to what he and his X wife set up for themselves and kids after their marriage ended.  It would be wrong for you to interfere, in my opinion.

If the wife is taking advantage, that is for him to decide.  You getting involved will only add an issue to your relationship and the general tone of peace between everybody.  

You are not married to him, correct?

I think it is fair to want to feel important to him and asking for some time as a couple would be great.  good luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
If you're not married or don't share a bank account. (His money is his your money is yours) then there's not much you can do. you can ask him to stop, tell him to stop but there's nothing you can really do.

If you DO share a bank account and it's both of your money....you can quickly put your foot down. you can tell him enough is enough. paying his wife to go out and what not is not acceptable to do with a joint bank account.

if it is really affecting your relationship you need to talk with him. tell him how you feel. if he refuses to quit handing out his money...suggest counseling. it's great he's being such an amazing father for his kids but he no longer has to provide for his EX-wife. SHE needs to get a job (if she doesn't have one) and pay her own way in life. he is no longer responsible for her welfare...only that of their children. he can also get her into trouble with the courts for not using the child support for the children.
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Avatar_f_tn
since you are not married you can not do much at all, now if you were married a few things would change, she would take care of her own kids once in awhile and not depend on him to do the shipping all of the time, sometime it is fine, but there is a limit and also so much that one can take she is taking him for granted, but married or not her kids would toe the mark just as mne would, but i must say if you love this man why are you not married to him, also i would make sure she was home when the kids got home from the movie, it might be different if she took your kids once in awhile   luck  jo
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Avatar_f_tn
i forgot to add if he picks them up and takes them to school and you take them home why does he not just get custody of the kids-it sounds like they spend more time with you guys than her, i do beleive that he is a good father but she sounds like a very demanding and selfish person, she has her cake and eats it to jo
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973741_tn?1342346373
Perhaps this gentleman has a lot of guilt about the way he left.  The relationship of 6 1/2 years came pretty quickly after the demise of his marriage (with a 7 year old) . . . I'm guessing there is more to this story.  

I also think that when we meet someone that has responsibilities up front . . . it is not fair to decide 6 years later that you don't like them.  This is just my opinion . . .

Not to mention, if the dad is wanting to do these things for his children and X wife, there is a reason.  I like a man like that, myself.  I mean, perhaps the shopping of clothes is at this point something the kids count on.  Perhaps the wife is working but doesn't make enough money to afford what their children need.  Perhaps she is working after school and the kids need the ride home.  Perhaps the father actually would like to have that time with the kids on the weekends and isn't bothered to have his children with him.  The fact that it bothers her . . . well, I'm sure this that this has always been the deal with this guy.  He's a dad first, and other things second.  If I had an extra dollar . . . I would spend it on my kids before anyone else including myself.  And helping mom out financially helps the kids-----  ultimately.  These are just my opinions, of course----  no more valuable than anyone elses.
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968908_tn?1274874715
I can understand where you are coming from with this issue.  It is far from an easy one i can tell you.  Your partner wants to do the right thing by his children but to me it seems like he is going above and beyond what he should be doing and his ex wife seems to be lapping up all the luxery that goes along with it.  

Can i ask does his ex have a partner or is she there on her own?  Maybe he feels guilty about her having to cope with all the responsibilty of being a single parent if she is by herself and so feels obligated to take as much burden off of her shoulders as humanly possible.  Or if another man is on the scene he has issues of this other man taking over and becoming a father figure to his children and so goes over the top.

As to the solution to your problem, i think you need to sit down and tell him exactly how you are feeling.  Tell him your ready to walk, tell him how much you love him but make it clear that something has to change.  Explain to him the changes that you feel need to happen for your relationship to survive.  This is the only way to go about this situation, to communicate and be honest.  There is no other way!!

I do hope you manage to sort it out and get the results you want cause he sounds like a fantastic bloke for being so family commited, if the children belonged to the both of you it sounds like it would of been a perfect relationship.  Good-luck!!
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968908_tn?1274874715
I just wanted to say that not being married in a long term relationship doesn't mean she does not have a say in what happens between him and the ex.  She has been with him for nearly 7 years and so is entilted to express any thing she is unhappy about.  Just because she accepted a man with a family it doesn't mean she should bend over backwards and suffer in slience.  She and her family are entilted to be happy within this relationship and so she needs to express her worry's and communicate with him.  She needs to be open adn honest otherwise nothing will get resolved.  You never know it may take a minor element to change to fix this problem or she may realise from her openess that it is time to leave the relationship.  

Communication is the key to a long lasting happy relationship and right now she anit happy.

Just my take on it....... x
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973741_tn?1342346373
Julie, I understand what you are saying.  I think long term relationships are committments too and as important as being married.  I don't think being married to him or not had anything to do with my opinion though . . . it would be the same.  It was the deal when she met him and he is being clear where his priorities lie.  I could be wrong and he is as disgruntled as she. . . but it doesn't sound like it.

I agree that communication is such an important element in a relationship.  And definately it is her right to communicate her unhappiness.  My opinion had more to do with his still being dedicated to his kids.  I don't think that is a bad thing.  

So, I hope she can find a compromise with him that doesn't bring so much tension in the relationship that he feels like he is choosing.  She does deserve happiness for sure.

And as I said---------  I'm not trying to put any relationship or person down or insult anyone.  I was just giving my opinion on it . . . that is all.  
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902589_tn?1268152453
While I do agree that he sounds like a great father and is doing all he can for his children which is wonderful, I believe he is doing way too much. If the children are with their mother during the week, then he shouldn't have to go and pick them up form their mom's house and take them to school and then pick them up form school and take them back to their mom's house. That to me is just ridiculous. If they stay with their mom during the week, then it should be their mom's responsibility to take them to and from school, or get them on the bus whatever.

Their mother is definitely taking him for a ride. it seems like he is contributing 95% to his children, while she is contributing 5%, and it should be equal. The children are the father's AND mother's responsibility and the care should be split 50-50.

I think you have every right to voice how you feel, especially the fact that he is treating his children differently than your children when they are in your home(which it sounds like they are their 95% of the time). Just be very careful what you say and how you say it. Think about how you would want to be approached if the situation was reversed
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902589_tn?1268152453
sorry lots of grammar and spelling errors in my post, but i just don't feel like going through and correcting it all lol
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, I've thought about my posts here and maybe I wasn't thinking about how this must feel for the poster.  That would definately be a hard situation to be in and it would be natural to grow resentful.   Blending a family is always hard and any that do it successfully deserve major kudos.  I guess being a step mom can be a thankless job at times and perhaps this poster has really been putting up with too much.  So, I hope that they can communicate a reasonable compromise so that they can remain happy together.  

I am glad though to hear that this dad is still staying active with his kids . . . that is good.  
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