Please, I need an some opinions!

[beautifulbritty712]

I have been with my boyfriend on and off since I was 18 and I'm 22, but he's 35. His age doesn't bother me, but I think his relationship to the girl he was with before me made him so untrusting. He thinks all females lie and cheat, probably the same way I used to feel about guys before I met him. He doesn't act real jealous or anything like that or always accuse me of cheating, but we talk about everything and sometimes when we're talking this stuff comes up. He says he doesn't want to ever live with me because he thinks I'll "just get sick of him after a little while". He has 3 kids with his ex and used to only see them once a month or less. I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids? But recently since Ive been kind of pressuring him about this (I even told him I wouldn't let him be the father of my child so we would have to break up eventually) and now he's wanting to see his kids more. He has been taking them every other weekend and calling them during the week. But when I asked about his daughter's favorite color (her bday is this week and I wanted to get her a gift) he doesn't know. I asked what kinds of games she likes and what toys she likes and he doesn't know. I was able to tell him she likes baseball and soccer and I've only hung out with her a few times. He said he didn't know he was supposed to talk to his kids like that and I told him they're people too if he wants a good relationship with them when they're older they need to get closer now, so he said when they come over this weekend he'll actually talk to them instead of just going shopping and eating and letting them play etc. My questions are this- He seems like he's changing to be a really good dad and I've been thinking maybe this could be long term.... but do you think it's just because of my pressuring and maybe if we ended up with a kid and broken up he would be how he was before without me, or worse if he found a new girlfriend who didn't want him to be close with his kids? Or maybe he was reluctant to see his kids before because of his hurtful past with their mom? I am not naive, I don't believe in true love and I know people change, and while I can see myself being with him forever now, maybe he or I or both of us will be different in the future and not so compatible. We already fight a lot, but about stupid stuff and we usually only fight for a few minutes before we get over it. I am looking at this point for someone who will be a great dad to my child. I think if I plan to bring a kid into this world (which I'm not even positive about yet and would still be years in the future) it's my responsibility to give him the best life I can, including the best dad. I wouldn't really even care if I love the guy if I thought he would be a good enough dad, but do you think the guy I do love would turn out to be the father I hope for?

PS he said he doesn't even want anymore kids, three is enough. I was ok with that when I was younger but as I get older I'm changing my mind. I told him this and he said he would have one more kid with me, but not for a few years when his kids get older which is perfect because I think I'm still too young and I only want one kid. Now I am at the point I'm thinking I need to decide now to take him or leave him because it takes a long time to get to know somebody well enough to decide if what kind of person they really are (he still surprises me after 4 years) and it could take years to find somebody you like enough to even start a relationship with, so if I want a kid in 4 or 5 years I should have started thinking about this a couple years ago! If I'm wasting my time I can't afford to waste anymore. Please give me advice!

[jo929]

there are so many red flags in this relationship, that i would get out of it, it sounds like he is stringing you along. also you are to young to not want children in the furture  luck  jo

[vmvnpv]

The first BIG red flag to me is that he was 31 dating an 18 year old.  What does a 31 year old want with an 18 year old?  Why is he not seeing women his own age?  There's a reason he's not dating women his own age.  The same holds true for a 35 year old and a 22 year old.  You both are on way different pages.  You've hardly lived life and he's more experienced.  You want the things he's already had.  He's not looking for anything serious, hence why he's dating someone much younger than him and is not committing to you.  He's already had his kids.  He doesn't want any more.  That's his right and I think it's a good idea seeing as he doesn't pay much attention to the 3 he already has.  You need to move on to someone who wants the same things out of life as you do.  Someone you can experience things with for the first time.....together.  Not someone whose already been there, done that and has the baggage to prove it.

[iam1butterfly]

One can't tell what the future holds.
So, you don't know if or how he'll change... for the better or for the worse.  
So, what you base yourself on is what you know, right now.
And, from what you described, you're with a man who's 13 years older than you
(which isn't too bad); is somewhat distrusting of a woman's fidelity (not a good thing); says that he doesn't "... want to ever live with [you]" (a negative thing); and has
3 children who he knows little of in terms of personalities (a sad but very telling thing).
My question to you is: why are you with this man?
I can see why he's with you... you're young, single with no children which equals no or little baggage.
But, him? He's got a lot of baggage. And, that's only what you know of him, now.
I say, look for someone who is closer to your age, who hasn't fathered and is presumably supporting 3 kids, and isn't so down on women and relationships.
You should be having fun; not saddled with the concerns of a man who doesn't appear to be much of a "match" or "catch."  

[SeriousSam]

TRUST.   This is what it all comes down to and as a guy who has been there somewhat, I think I'll throw some feedback in now.

Not having anything to do with your kids and not wanting to have more.

First of all it is difficult if you have an even vaguely disgruntled ex to have even mediocre access to ones kids and in a country where 85% of women say that they want their ex completely out of their lives, except for the money, it is a wonder that more men don't walk away from their kids after a divorce.

In this case it sounds like he had three kids with were with the same woman and I would guess that he had started to put distance between them probably so he couldn't be hurt again.  There is a reason that they say a divorce with kids is more stressful than a death psychologically and that is because a death has some degree of closure divorces have the same stress if your ex gets jollies out of it of a death stretched out over decades.

That having been said why would a man want to go throught that more than once?  I would let him know  that you understand his agony and see if he would be willing to look for a good counselor for MEN who specializes in divorce trauma.

So far as age, I can almost guarentee that most of the women on medhelp would have little problem with it were the sexes reversed.  Heck I'm in my thirties and I would rather have pockets dug under my skin and have salt placed in their before I would date a woman of my own race, of similar age!  American Caucasian women have a generally unhealthy attitude of the value and permanence of males. But that's just my general view of things. And BTW before anyone comments, I usually date women older than myself at least about the thirteen year age difference at this time of my life.  May change maybe not but at least the baggage is healthier and the women seem to not be quite self absorbed in general.

But back to trust.  He does talk to you about stuff that is generally hard for a guy to talk about, and I would suspect that he might even be somewhat tender emotionally to you.  (If you can comment on this it would be appreciated) but his self confidence seems really low and I would say he is probably afraid of the pain of having more kids and then being relegated to being a visitor in their lives.  If you care for him give him time and encourage him to talk to you and maybe see a counselor but don't be pushy about it at first.

LOL and regarding his daughters favorite color?  This year I couldn't tell you my youngest daughters and I gp with her to shop for clothes, shoes purses etc and even have made jewelry etc  with her.

One more thing?  There are no best dads, no best moms, but rather good listeners who think and then decide when or when not to compromise.  I wish you luck

[beautifulbritty712]

Maybe I should have said more about our relationship. He is committed to me- we spend a lot of time together and talk a few times a day on the phone if we don't see eachother. I was in a very bad situation and doing very bad things when I met him and he kind of helped me out of it and took care of me until I got on my feet. Now I have a job and we work different shifts (I work 2nd, him 1st) and he will stay up until I get out of work when he used to go to bed an hour earlier so he can say goodnight to me. If he goes out with his kids while I'm sleeping when I wake up he asks what do you wanna eat? I'll go pick it up for you. If he doesn't have his kids to feed he'll wait for me to get up until he eats so we go together. If I call him and say I need a new outfit, shoes, clothes, new earrings, basically anything and need a few extra dollars he doesn't hesitate if he has the money. I also do a lot for him, I get paid the day before him, usually when he just put the last of his money in his gas tank, and when I go cash my check I go get him pop or an energy drink to bring to work and some chips or something and I'll leave him a few dollars to buy breakfast at work in the morning. This morning he had to work (yes on saturday), and because I am a night person and stay up usually all night, I cooked lunch for him then I picked up mcdonalds for breakfast and we ate together. He gave me a kiss and left for work. I prefer older men because I have seen and done more than most 22 year olds and have had enough instability in my life that I need someone who's already stable. My experience is that young guys haven't experienced enough and still want to do things that I wouldn't want my man doing. They're still unsure of what they want in life, like I still am, and may change their mind in a second. My boyfriend rarely drinks, and usually it's with me if he does, doesn't go to the bar ever, does no drugs and has already experimented with them and is not interested. When he hangs out with his friends he usually invites me to come, even if I don't. He asks me to get on the phone with his brothers who live out of state so I can get to know them. We talk about everything- our relationship, his kids, his and my past (which I really talk to no one else about) the things we want in life. Sometime we joke around if one of us won the lottery what we would buy eachother. We even talk about life and death and heaven and hell. He has told me he's never known anybody he talked to like he does me and I feel the same way. The way I see it, he is committed, he's a lot different than when I met him and he is trusting me more. I accept him how he is as long as he isn't always mean and accusing, which he is neither. I know people go through things that make them how they are and everyone is different. It's also not just women he doesn't trust, it is men too. He has a hard time trusting his friends I think he definitely trusts me more than them. He's told me things his ex did to him and if someone did that stuff to me I'd be untrusting in my next relationship too. I realize this is some baggage but I feel if we stay together we could work through it- and it's not like I don't come with my own baggage. I am bipolar and when sometimes my family can't even stand me he will deal with me and be there for me. Sometimes I get paranoid and think he's always lying to me and out to get me, which I do even with my sisters and parents, but he waits it through and will be there for me and hold me when I cry- even if it's him I'm mad at for no reason. Really we both have our issues but we've figured out how to work them out for the most part and how to deal with them. I think our relationship is as healthy as it can be between a bipolar person and someone who is emotionally damaged.

What I'm worried about is can he be a good dad? I don't want just a decent dad, which he's always been, I want my kid to feel he's got the best dad in the world. I should have mentioned also that while he was only seeing his 2 kids about once a month his third actually lived with him. Also, their mom rarely picked up the son who lived with his dad. He has always paid child support for the two but the third recently decided he misses his mom and wanted to live with her again. His dad was very hurt but I talked to him about how sometimes kids, especially if they were raised mostly by their mom, need their mom sometimes and he did not do it to hurt his dad and he needed to put his kid's wants and needs before his own. Which is what brought up the subject of him seeing his kids and me thinking I wanted a better dad for mine. Now he sees them every other week. We got them on the 4th and went to the fireworks. And as for not knowing his kids well, he was not raised like most of us. He's not american and where he came from they have no gas, no running water. They heated their house with a wood stove. He has had very little schooling because he had to start working at a young age, and I really think he just never learned from his dad how to interact with kids. He was raised in an environment that what you mostly worry about is how you'll buy your next meal. No govt help no medicaid. If someone got sick they could just die and nobody but their family would care because everyone is too worried about helping their own family survive. I see how he is from where he's from, but he seems like he wants to be a good dad to his kids. When I tell him what I think a good dad is, he tries to be that. I think there's more to being a dad than putting food on the table, which is what a dad does where he's from. What I want to know is without my influence and maybe if there was someone else influencing him differently would he stay a good dad? I can see he has changed but will he stay this way? I have no doubt if I had a kid with him in a few years he would do more than a lot of dads do. He'd be there financially and physically but I want more than that.

[beautifulbritty712]

Thank you that is how I feel, he is very tender towards me and I can definitely understand what he's going through with his ex. He seems like he really wants to be a good dad and really wants me to think of him as a good dad. I never told him he was a bad dad or anything like that, I've always told him he's a great dad. I don't want you to think I'm cutting him down. I just told him he's not like my dad, and I want my child to have a dad like mine. I love my dad more than anyone and he's always there for me. He's seen me through some very bad times and always does whatever he can for me and I talk to him about everything. We are so close and I just hope to find someone who will be close to their dad like I am with mine. If i told my dad today I really liked something but it's too expensive I would probably get it for christmas. My dad tried to get custody of me and my sister when my parents split up but didn't so he saw us every other weekend and on tuesdays and thursdays. I realize there are probably very few people like my dad out there and the chances of finding one are very slim, so I think I just answered my own question. If he's willing to even try to be a dad like that I think I need to at least let him have the chance. Thank you all, your opinions really helped me realize what a great guy I have, problems and all.

[SeriousSam]

Actually there are quite a few dads like yours but more often than not they are left broke, broken, and broken hearted by a very broken system that believes in the myth of maternal instinct, and sadly, a majority of mothers who put their desires on equal or greater par than the children's desires or needs.

So sadly in a more than unequal country where men have no rights they give up.

[beautifulbritty712]

Why do you think men have no rights? I don't know where you live but here men have just as much a chance of getting their kids as the mom. Just like if the dad refuses to pay child support and the mom has to bring him to court to get it, unless a parent is abusive toward the children the court will give them at least visitation, which if the parent with custody doesn't allow they will get in trouble. Why is it that some parents are willing to and sometimes have to fight for the support but it is too hard to fight for visitation in court? My mom told the judge my dad was trying to kill her but he still ordered her to bring us for visitation. We had to meet at a grocery store to get picked up and dropped off. Also, the reason my mom was given custody instead of my dad was my choice. I was the oldest child and they told me I could decide where to live, and being the kind of person I am I said I wanted to live with my mom because she needed us more and my dad id stronger than her. So what is it about this whole custody thing that's so unfair toward men?

[beautifulbritty712]

And I don't want you to think I'm saying anything about you, I realize things may be different where you're from and there may very well be more good dads than I think, I just an speaking from my experience and having a lot of male friends who don't do much for their kids. I actually met someone who was celebrating having his something like 8th kid because here if you have too many kids the court won't make you pay child support. I just think your kids should always come first and if you dont want to see your kids because you dont wanna see their mom, there are ways of picking up and dropping off you won't ever have to even speak to eachother.

[SeriousSam]

In the U.S. & England men have almost no rights when it comes to getting custody, or even having visitation enforced.  I believe the stats are less than 20% if they are married and  kids are male also, less than that if the children are female or the parents are not married.  NO MATTER who the reality of primary caregiver is.

Mothers percentagewise are more likely to be deadbeat parents yet fathers are more likely to end up with it as a jailable offense.  In a custody matter in America fathers have to spend 5 dollars for every 1 a woman will be charged for the same results but she is more likelt to be able to get free legal assistance.


I am curious what/where you are from that you think things are so equal?

[SeriousSam]

Why did your mother "need" you?  A no fighting for visitation is not the same as fighting for child support, many courts will have the states attorney represent them for child support THIS does not happen for visitation.

Check your facts.

[megochick101]

I'm sorry but you are never going to find someone who is a perfect father or a perfect partner. No one is perfect. This guy sounds like a great man and you are just focusing on one aspect of him. I think it's kind of ridiculous how you are focusing on how he is as a father when you do not even have kids or want kids at this point in your life.

You said he was raised in an environment where the father's role was to only be a provider. But you just expect him to automatically go against his nature and the way he was brought up without any influence from anyone else? He can't change his ways unless he knows he is supposedly doing something wrong(in your eyes at least). Which to be blunt I think he was being a great father just by providing for his kids because there are many fathers out there who do not even do that so cut the guy a break!

Clearly he cares about you since he has made an effort to change his fatherly ways when you brought it up.  The guy is willing to change his views on parenting and the way he was brought up to make you happy, so that in your eyes he will be a better father. What more can you ask for?

As to your comments about your dad, I'm a little confused. You say your dad was the greatest dad and you're really close to him, but then you say that your mom told the courts your dad tried to kill her???? Was she telling the truth? If so why would you think a man who tried to kill your own mother is such a great guy??

[beautifulbritty712]

my relationship with my father has nothing to do with hi relationship with my mom. I don't know who was telling the truth but their relationship is not mine, so why is that so confusing? My dad never treated me wrong. Also, I think if more people had the forethought to consider what kind of father someone will be before they have kids together less people will end up with kids dads who don't want their kids. Do you plan on meeting someone and getting to know them and what kind of person they are enough to have kids with them in a few months? That's what's wrong with so many families today, and why so many kids suffer because their parents didn't consider everything that needs to be considered. Like I said, if I need to meet someone else to have kids with it could take years. Should I wait until I want a kid so bad I don't care who the dad is? I am not saying people cant meet and have kids together and it will work out well, but is it wrong to want to be sure? This is a commitment that will last a lifetime whether I regret it or not. And if you read what I wrote you will see I said he was a good father, but not the kind of father I want my child to have. Actually a lot of the things you said to contradict me were the same things I said in different words.....  I also never said I want a perfect father because no one is perfect, nut I have qualities I want my kids dad to have I'm not sure my boyfriend has. I never said anything about a perfect partner, our relationship is anything but perfect but I love him and will try to stick it out with him, since like I said I decided all I can do is trust him and give him a chance. And I also said (or implied) I don't want him to be a better father for me, I want him to do it for his kids. If he is doing it for me and we have a kid and then break up who will he be acting for? Sure not me. What will make him treat my kid how I want his dad to? Also I never asked him to change I just told him he's not the kind of father I want for my kid. He asked why I told him he's a great dad, which I wrote above and apparently you did not notice, but he's not like my dad and I want my kid to have a dad like mine. The only thing I asked him for his kids sake was to see his kids more. The rest he is doing himself, with my help but I am not forcing him. Is it wrong that I think if I bring a kid in this world my responsibility is to give him the best life I can so he can grow up and be a healthy member of society? When I decide I am ready to have a kid I know I'm deciding to put someone before myself for at least 18 years. When I have a kid I know my needs will go after the needs of my child. I think if more parents went into this with this state of mind a lot of kids would be a lot better off. So go ahead and hate on me for wanting to be responsible and think this completely through. I won't be sitting home alone with a two year old wishing I hadn't jumped into something I wasn't ready for with someone who disappeared when I was 6 months pregnant. And about the child support and custody, both my parents paid for their own lawyer. And the same lawyers dealt with both things. You say stuff about the United States, do you not realize most of this stuff is actually decided by the state govt.? The US has laws, but the states all have their own laws which may be different. Like I said, this is how it works where I'm from. I think the free legal assistance is determined by income, not by the sex of the parent. I'm not sure about for custody or support cases, but I know thats how it works for criminal cases and I'm sure it's the same. And unless the court has a good reason to deny visitation I have never heard of them doing this. I have a friend with a history of drug problems but he was still granted supervised visitation. He did drug tests every week and eventually got unsupervised visitation, then he actually got custody. He went to court multiple times and paid for it all himself, while paying for child support and his rent and all other bills. I guess his kids were just worth it to him. The courts want the kids to have both of their parents! Maybe you had a bad experience and maybe you would have to pay lawyers and what not to get custody, but how is this any worse than a mom caring for 3 kids alone and the dad ran off? It would be hard, you might not have money for a while, but at least when court is over you will have what you want and things will get easier. Would it be right for a mother to give up and drop her kids to the state because she can't afford to support them alone and the dad is gone? Why should a man give up on his kids because of a little financial hardship? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it!

[beautifulbritty712]

And all I said is men do have rights, you say they dont. Why do you get upset about this? Then you change to men have a harder time getting custody, visitation, etc. That's a lot different than no rights.

[beautifulbritty712]

sorry I dont know how to edit, but as far as going to court, getting in contact with lawers, and all the letter writing and dealing with friend of the court fighting for child support is the same as fighting for visitation. And I'm sure people who have to pay their own lawyer don't just give up on getting child support. It is a pathetic excuse to abandon your kids!

[SeriousSam]

You have absolutely no idea what your talking about!  Talk to your father and you boyfriend and this time listen to them.

[beautifulbritty712]

wow what do you mean this time listen to them? this is stuff i learned from my dad. What am I so wrong about? I'm sorry for whatever bad experiences you had to make you feel this way, but this is my experience and my family's experience and my friends and their families have experienced similar things. So because you had a different experience than others that means you are right? I just asked my dad about it and he said his visitation was granted at the same time my mom's child support and custody was determined, he didn't even have to go back to court! How do you presume to tell me you know more about the laws of a state you dont live in, you don't even live in this country! Really say what you want, think you have no rights, and keep feeling bad for yourself. That will get a lot done.

[beautifulbritty712]

And I am curious, what percentage of mothers are deadbeat parents and what percentage of fathers? You seem to know so much about this, but I know several people who are single mothers with no support from the father but I only know 1 man who takes care of his kids without help, and their mom is dead. I would also like to know where you found these percentages, as I would be very interested to see them myself.

[megochick101]

I have two kids. Niether of which were planned. Me and my husband had no idea what to do with kids.  I would never have thought that my husband would have been as good of a father as he is because my husband wasn't even sure he wanted kids. But my son came along and my hubby completely changed. He took responsibility for him and yeah he didn't help me too much with the diaper changing etc but he worked extra hard so that i could stay home and take care of our child(which is what i wanted to do) he made the effort to provide for our family and before our son came along we both had jobs and both used our money for whatever.

That to me is a good parent. He sacrificed his wants to make a better life for all of us. And this was a man who would go out and buy and do whatever on a whim because that's how he was raised. Now he saves money, opened a college fund for the kids, and hasn't bought anything for himself unless it was necessary in 2+ years.

Sorry for the book, but i just wanted to give you an example that people can and do change.

And anyways, now that i re-read your first post i want to add this.

The guy told you he doesn't want anymore kids(and at 35 i'm pretty sure he knows his own mind by now) and you obviously want kids. If he does not want anymore kids then wondering about how good a father he will be in the future is completely useless. I mean he could change his mind, but I doubt he will.

[SeriousSam]

Just google deadbeet moms... It's not any secret.


Here is part of one article though...


Single dads are sick and tired of being labeled "deadbeats" when it comes to paying child support. And data suggest they have good reason to be upset.

The percentage of "deadbeat" moms is actually higher than that of dads who won't pay, even though mothers are more consistently awarded custody of children by the courts.

Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media.

That compares with 68 percent of dads who pay up, according to the figures.

Men who are due child support are also getting tired of deadbeat moms' excuse that they can't pony up the money, and some courts have responded.

California lawyer Eudene Eunique in February was denied a passport because she was $30,000 behind in child-support. Instead of spending money on visiting her family in Mexico and on business contracts, the appeals court ruled Eunique�s money should go to her kids.

[SeriousSam]

Here is another thought.  Why did your mom "need" you?  You do realize that if your dad is the person that you said he is the chances are that your mom tried to use an OP to get custody as it requires none of the burden of proof that most crimes do.  

[SeriousSam]

And yet another post!  This is the start of a post on Medhelp!  Read all of the first line!

Boyfriend's Sex Drive
by ladylee, Nov 15, 2006 12:00AM
Tags: frequency, relationships, Kids, sleep, Work
My boyfriend has custody of his 2 young children and since the mother has taken off due to non-payment of child support and fear of being arrested, my boyfriend and I have very little time for love making.  

[beautifulbritty712]

Yes, he told me he didn't want anymore kids when we first got together and I also didn't want kids. When I got older and mentioned I wanted a kid someday he said he would have one more baby with me, but in a few years when his kids are older. And I am happy the situation worked out for you and your husband, but this situation is different. My dad also was like your husband, actually he had a daughter older than me he has never even met. When I was born though, for some reason he was ready and has been the best father since. But I don't have to wonder if my boyfriend will take responsibility for a baby if we had one, I know he would because he did with his other kids. But to me there are things much more important than money. I'm not wondering what kind of kid's dad he will be to me, but what kind of father he would be to my kid..... does this make sense? Some of my best memories with my dad have been when he was laid off and broke. We would rent scary movies (the old ones) and make homemade popcorn (the kind you get a giant bag of for like a dollar and will last forever) and just hang out. We talked about everything, made fun of my spoiled step siblings. He put me and my sister before everything. Maybe I should have been more clear- having monetary support is important, but I also want a dad who will be able to create the kind of relationship with my child that I have with my dad. If I had a good enough job to pay the bills and put food on the table and clothes on our backs, I wouldn't care if he was a stay at home dad as long as he is loving and affectionate and attentive to his kids. Does this make better sense now? Maybe it would have been better to say a different kind of dad than a better dad.

[beautifulbritty712]

Why is it your business why my mom needed me or what happened with them in the custody hearing? Like I said, they left the choice up to me about where I wanted to live. If I had said with my dad the court would have granted custody to my dad, with or without my mother's accusations. These people aren't completely stupid, they know people will lie to a judge to get the results they want and as far as I know without proof or witnesses an accusation doesn't often hold up in court........... I really don't know how we even got to this subject from your declaration that men have no rights, they obviously do. You forgot to put the numbers for the deadbeat dads besides the percentages......... I'm also pretty sure every kid has a mom and dad- so for every mom there has to be a dad right? So if there are 289,000 deadbeat mothers out there, how many deadbeat fathers are there? LOL and I never said there aren't dads who take care of their kids alone or moms who are bad moms, I am not stupid. All I said is you highly exaggerate when you say men have no rights for their kids. Do you deny this? I hope you don't get upset about this whole conversation or take it too seriously, but we can talk as long as you want I love to hear the opinions of others about controversial things and I like to hear why they think these things- and hey maybe you can still change my mind about it. I openly admit I don't know that much about the subject, just what I've seen and experienced. You could be right for all I know, but I don't think so......

[SeriousSam]

Ok the rights are VERY limited and usually have to be bought...literally as laws are not enforced equally,.

I said to talk to your dad and boyfriend to find out what they really went through, and LISTEN carefully to what they say and what they do not say.  Most Americans do not listen very well they hear but do not listen.

Then talk to you mom, get her story. Then look up the old court papers.  They say that we become our parents, if we are not careful.  Are you sure that you won't beco,me your mom?  Read everything you wrote, Read the parts where you became defensive and ask yourself why they bothered you.

Personally this quote alone would make me hesitate having gone through the bad stuff " I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids?"

You go straight to how would it be when I broke up... Over what would my husband and I be willing to do if our marriage became rocky if we had kids?

History repeats itself, particularly in relationships, you come from a broken family so does he, age differences, experiences and mindsets are already against you.

Plus sometimes it is not the "willing to get me anything" but "what would I give up for my child and what would I fight to deny her"  that is defining in whether you are a good parent and whether your children end up as spoiled rodents..

I wish you guys luck.  I am sorry that you were so indolent that you did not look up the keywords I suggested as the related articles would have been good for you as well as surprising.

[SeriousSam]

Back to you original question?  Leave the man alone.

Would he be a good dad maybe, in the end that's something he would have to decide. Something that you didn't say but should be insecure enough to do introspection is could you be a good mother?

Honestly the best parents most often have a great deal of doubt and try very hard, but to be a good parent very often you have to put what is best for who my kids will eventually be, and what do I just want because I would like it? And then make the decision that seems to usually be the least appealing.

We got on the subject because you wanted to know why your boyfriend  didn't want more kids.

Re:  your mom I still think even if you don't post it online you should have someheavy introspection about what took place and revisit as an adult before you create a relationship that is a sequel to their divorce.

[SeriousSam]

You will probably take this the wrong way but... I just read some of your other posts?  Are you shore you should become a mother?

First of all bipolar is genetic.  It is one of the mental illnesses that they have found a genetic marker for and I believe (could be wrong) that it is on the x chromosome?

If you have boyts of suicidal behavior, and all the rest of the stuff you posted you might not really be good parent material.  Or at the very least get all of that stuff completely cleared up in your head, medications stabilized befor you start passing that genetic material about and trying to raise a child.

[beautifulbritty712]

Well in the first place you don't have to call me indolent. My question had nothing to do with whether my boyfriend wants to have kids- where would you get that idea? What I wanted to know was basically whether he was acting differently for his kids' sake or for me? And I also know I might have times I would have trouble being a good parent because of my mental illness- which is why I want to make sure my child's father would be there emotionally through hard times. I need someone who is stable and loving. I think it is very important for me, probably more than mentally healthy people, to be careful who I choose to have kids with. Does this make sense? It would be a bad idea to throw two unstable people together and see what comes out of it, which is why I am so picky. As for bipolar being genetic- I am fully aware of this and have given it much thought. I might be a little crazy but I am happy with who I am and don't feel sorry for myself because of the hand I was dealt in life, I accept it and believe if my disorder passed on to my child I could teach him to accept it too. Would you tell someone who had breast cancer that she should never have kids because it can be genetic? Would you go as far as saying that because my dad's mother died of a brain tumor he shouldn't have had me because maybe the cancer gene will pass on to me? Well I will also accept that if it happens, life gives me what I get and I try to make the best of it. Would you say my dad should have denied me my life because I may get cancer in the future?

~Something that you didn't say but should be insecure enough to do introspection is could you be a good mother?~
why should I be insecure enough to "do introspection?" I don't understand really but if you mean what I think then like I said I realize I may have issues which is why I need to be picky about who I have kids with.
~Re:  your mom I still think even if you don't post it online you should have someheavy introspection about what took place and revisit as an adult before you create a relationship that is a sequel to their divorce.~
I don't really understand this either, are you talking about me or my mom? Trust me I will be nothing like my mom. She put her boyfriend before her kids and I suffered for it and my sister suffered for it more than you will ever know. What exactly do you think took place? You seem to know more about this than I do I guess. I will be honest- I don't remember much but I have asked a lot of questions about it and the answers coincided with what I do remember, like my mom having to go through three different lawyers because the only cheap ones she could afford were not nearly as good as my dad's lawyer.

~I said to talk to your dad and boyfriend to find out what they really went through, and LISTEN carefully to what they say and what they do not say.  Most Americans do not listen very well they hear but do not listen. ~
I have talked to them and I don't understand what I'm supposed to be hearing they don't say, like I said I have a great relationship with my dad and he tells me what I ask about.... My dad never once, and he has told me about the long letters he had to write and the time he spent on hold for an hour and a half just to get hung up on, complained about what he went through to see his kids. I also went through this stuff when my former employer tried to deny my unemployment several times and I had to go to court for it several times....  Are you talking about the emotional pain he felt having his family torn apart? That was too hard? Well sorry but women feel that too at the end of a 10 year marriage. Also, why would you say bad things about americans? You are taking all of this way out of proportion.
~Personally this quote alone would make me hesitate having gone through the bad stuff " I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids?" ~
Why shouldn't I consider this possibility?
    *  Number of marriages: 2,230,000
    * Marriage rate: 7.5 per 1,000 total population
    * Divorce rate: 3.6 per 1,000 population (46 reporting States and D.C.)
Should I act like the world isn't happening around me? Come on now, if you had had the forethought to consider how your girlfriend would react if you married and had kids with her then divorced, and when you thought of this you thought she would keep your kids from you, would you have married her? You don't ever wish you had considered this- then maybe, not for sure but maybe- you wouldn't have got hurt like you did. Maybe the woman you ended up with would want you to spend a lot of time with your kids. Hey maybe you would still even be married? I should jump into things without thinking of the consequences? Should I bet all my savings on a horse without looking at the odds? At least the savings I could earn back, you can't take back years of your life.

~Then talk to you mom, get her story. Then look up the old court papers.  They say that we become our parents, if we are not careful.  Are you sure that you won't beco,me your mom?  Read everything you wrote, Read the parts where you became defensive and ask yourself why they bothered you.~
I have talked to my mom, and I am not going to obsess about this enough to look up old court papers. The past is over- I try to learn from it and move on, or I actually may end up obsessing about it which is not good. I would love to be just like my dad, he is the most thoughtful, compassionate, caring, and generous man I have ever known. Being like a person does not mean you will repeat their mistakes to me, but you take on their personality traits or physical traits. Maybe some people but I try to learn from people's mistakes so I don't do the same thing myself. I am nothing like my mom, you could ask anybody who knows me and they will tell you I take after my dad so much. And where did I become defensive? I clarified my situation, then I corrected somebody who misread or misinterpreted, I'm not sure which. I don't feel the need to defend myself against anybody on here, think what you want about me. We all have our own opinions and are entitled to them. I won't judge you for judging me, I accept that as who you are and that is ok.

~you come from a broken family so does he, age differences, experiences and mindsets are already against you. ~
He does not come from a broken family, his parents may be poor but they are very happily married. He went through a broken family, but that is definitely not where he comes from.

~Plus sometimes it is not the "willing to get me anything" but "what would I give up for my child and what would I fight to deny her"  that is defining in whether you are a good parent and whether your children end up as spoiled rodents.~
Also very unclear to me- please explain...

~Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media.~
Well since it is so sad I didn't google this I just did, and the same site said there are 2 million deadbeat dads. hmm. That is a higher number than the moms required to pay child support. Could this be because a lot of these dads don't want custody? they don't even help support their kids...

Like I said I will talk to you all you want about this, but I am not getting upset about this. You insulted me personally and you insulted americans, and still I am not offended because it is your opinion and you are entitled to think I am indolent and that americans don't understand things. I just wonder if we don't understand words as well as you, how is it you have misunderstood so much I have said?

[SeriousSam]

I am both an American, and a vet, and I have very close friends who have died in combat, and I work ith people in and for the government and more.  Plus I have a background in sociology, social work and psychology and have lived in eight countries for various durations so I think I am qualified to say that as a whole Americans do not listen, are insolent with little to be insolent about and generally live off the glory of a few without seeking to improve  themselves or considering the consequences of their actions.

RE: Genetics.  I would absolutely advise someone with an erratic genetic psychological condition to not be anywhere near kids, particularly since when you get a divorce or your husband (if/when married) divorced you, you have a higher chance of using them or taking it out on them.  You can't picture getting a divorce and letting your boyfriend have the kids right?

Plus you are suicidal by your own words which means that with the stress of possibly being bipolar themselves your kids are also more than likely be suicidal at sometime in their lives and likely not have needed coping skills.

With all the psychological issues you have, and as crazy as the world is, why do you think you have a right to have kids?  Because it will help YOU feel more stable? And then you have a repeat of what is going on wth you and your siblings?  Before you even think about kids or how suitable a dad is, considr if you get a divorce he is more likely than you to get custody because of your documentable history.

RE: dads.  The numbers you gave?  I notice you stayed away from percentages?  Less than 15% of dads get custody nationwide.  The sheer volume of numbers should say something about how skewed our country is and the amount of deadbeet moms.

Really I think your boyfriend knows what he is doing and if he ever does have kids, it probably will not, intentionally, be with you.

Regarding men and children?  You have no clue what type of subculture has developed because of how our country treats fathers and

[beautifulbritty712]

Yeah I'm sure the reason my boyfriend told me he would have a kid- so he could have a kid with me is because he would never want a kid with me. If we had a kid and broke up I would be more than willing to let him have custody, as long as I thought he would do right for our child and I got visitation. You say Americans don't think of the consequences of their actions, I am thinking of the consequences of my actions and the possible results and you say it is wrong of me. Nobody is born with coping skills, they have to be developed and taught. I actually cope very well with my illness and lead a basically normal life. I am always looking to improve myself, and I respect your opinion that I shouldn't have kids but like I said it's your opinion, doesn't make it right. You know nothing about me, how do you say I would take it out on my boyfriend if we broke up? I don't think I said I am suicidal, I have had suicidal thoughts but I think a lot of people do, even people you would call normal. I know if a relationship doesn't work it is rarely the fault of one person, probably never. I may have a mental problem, I am not handicapped. You learned so much, but you presume to think everyone is the same? Just like in the books huh? Every person who is bipolar is irrational? Many people who are bipolar make good parents, if they know about their illness and learn about and take steps to control it. Maybe a more accurate example would be if somebody had an alcohol problem in their past, you think they shouldn't have kids because alcoholism runs in families? I guess you could go as far as saying short people or fat people shouldn't have kids because you don't like those genetic traits. You judge a lot of people, one thing doesn't make someone a bad person. Have you ever turned your eyes on yourself? You tell me all this stuff you think about me and you know nothing about me except what I have told you on here. I could say a lot about how you talked to me and reacted to me but I won't because in reality you may be a very understanding and compassionate person. Maybe if the subject of father's rights hadn't come up you and I would have been friends, who knows. I don't know what you've been through and I was talking to you because I thought- well this guy has a different point of view than I do, maybe I can learn something from him. But I don't think I have learned much. So respond how you want, call me whatever you want. If you can tell me something I'd be interested in learning about instead of telling me things you about me, and I guess you must know me so well by now, I will respond again, otherwise I won't keep antagonizing you as you seem to be getting very upset. As much as I've enjoyed our conversations I really don't want to be the one to make you have a bad day.


PS- I am very happy to be who I am, with the ups and down and everything in between. I am happy my parents had me at the time and under the circumstances they did. I am happy for the experiences I've had and the hard lessons I learned early in life, because without all this I would not be who I am today and I love myself. Being "normal" would probably be a lot easier, but I don't mind a little hardship because it will make me a stronger person in the end. Good luck with your kids and I'm sorry for messing with you a little, I know it was kinda mean and I don't want to be like that. I'm on here to get advice and try to help others if I am able.

[mami1323]

Although Sam can come off as angry and bitter about his situation, he is very right.  A lot of women do use their children to hurt their exes in divorce.  Been there, have seen it done to my fiance and it only hurts the children.  Visitation and child support are separate issues in the courts.  So you have to understand, your father petitioned to get visitation that day your mom took him to court.  He is obligated to support you but he isn't obligated to be a part of your life.  My fiance went through an ugly divorce and was so afraid of having any more children because of the ongoing battle over his daughter and his ex-wife.  We did wind up having a child and when we had the most difficult moment in our relationship I refused to use our son as a pawn to hurt him.  No matter how bad things get between us, he loves his son and our son loves him and I will let him see his son as much as he wants.  But not a lot of women think like me.  Men are rarely given custody, unless the mother agrees on it or is neglectful.  My fiance gets to see his children twice a month from Friday night to Sunday night and that's every other weekend.  This is how it is.  So I don't blame your bf for not wanting to just jump into another decision about having a child without really thinking it through.  He needs to focus his attention on his 3 kids that he currently has a strained relationship with.  Seems that he's at least working on that.  Give him some time.  You are only 22, you have plenty of time to give him.

[beautifulbritty712]

I realize how some women are- and now it seems his ex is starting to act like this but we will see. He wanted to take his kids last weekend, and it should have been his weekend, but their mom sent one of the kids to his grandma's house. He planned to celebrate his daughter's birthday last weekend, but their mom said wait until next weekend so you can have them all. Now he talked to her last night and she said he can take them to dinner sat. night but they have to come the same night b/c she planned a party and then the bday girl is leaving to her grandma's house. This upset him because he planned to have a little party himself on sunday, now he can't. He will work until 7, then he has to go home shower and dress and then drive 20 minutes toi get them. He didn't get the cake because he thought he'd do that today so he could have it on sunday, so I am going to get it for him while he's working. So he has about three hours to get ready, get them, go eat, and come home for cake and presents. That b doesn't even know I am going to get the cake for him, if I didn't he would have to do that too and have less time with his kids. I think she is doing this on purpose, why would she sent his son away when she knew he wanted them that weekend? Then say he can have this weekend even though she has plans for them this weekend? I guess she sends one kid to her mom's every weekend, shouldn't she do this on her weekends instead of his? I am not saying women aren't horrible, I know we can be just like men can be too. I am not saying it would always be easy for a  dad to get custody, but it is possible and dads do have rights to their kids. The things I said were taken out of proportion, maybe I said them poorly. I also said I was speaking from my experiences and everyone has different experiences, I did not say he was wrong about everything and I actually got a little too into this and was arguing with him just to argue, which I realize some people don't like and I apologized for upsetting him. I admitted I don't know a lot about this, and I would like to learn more. But maybe from someone who won't take things I say too personal. I do not claim to be right all the time and I know I am often wrong, so I was seeing if he would change my mind about it, which he didn't but maybe someone else could, or maybe they couldn't who knows? Anyway, and advise how to help my bf deal with his kids mom would be appreciated, or any comments anyone wants to share feel free I will consider everything. Maybe this was a mistake on her part though, or poor planning. I hope it doesn't become a habit, but if it does I will post a thing on here then to see what people think. Thanks for your input.

[SeriousSam]

I work with several grandparent, and father's rights groups, but I really don't think you would click to well with most of them so it would probably not be a good idea to forward you to them as at least two of the better ones are run by fathers who kids have died at the hands of mom's  if you think I get upset you would heve them livid.

.  You might be better just checking out findlaw or a pay for site or better yet ask your mom to reccomend a good attorney.

[beautifulbritty712]

Thank you but attorneys are not an option. This case is quite different than a lot of others but I won't go into details about it because it is my bf's business and that I know he won't want me telling people about. Again, I am sorry I messed with you a little but sometimes I get carried away with things. I hope you can forgive me for it, I realize I was arguing just to argue and some people don't like that but I kept going even after I realized it is a sensitive subject to you, and I shouldn't have done that. Sorry again, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your situation.

[mami1323]

You can look at your bf's situation in one of two ways.  One, yes, she shouldn't have scheduled the party on his weekend.  If it's his weekend and she tries to dictate the scheduling or tell him that she wants her back early or whatever it's considered interferring with his visitation.  If they have a schedule in place through the courts and he has a written agreement he can take her back to court saying that she was interferring with his weekend.  He should write down and record all of the times she does do this.  It could build his case.  If he is consistent on the weekends he does have her he can then go to court and petition for more time.  Now here's the second way to look at it and please don't take offense.  Up until recently he hasn't been very good about seeing his children.  It may be because of her or it may be because he chose that but still he didn't see his children more than once a month.  Due to this, she decided not to bother working with his schedule and planned things without considering him since he wasn't really doing his part in his children's lives.  So now that he is, she is just used to planning things her way and doesn't really see things his way.  He doesn't need to keep the peace with her even though it's nice if their relationship is amicable for the children's sake.  If he feels that she is being unreasonable or is taking from his time, he can say something.  He can tell her that he knows she planned a party but it's his weekend and she really should've spoken with him first because he planned as well.  Make sure she knows that for next year things will be done differently.  Hope this helps a little.  The courts may not always side with him.  I know in my fiance's case, the judge was completely unreasonable and took her side.  So I think that's exactly what Sam is referring to.  Good luck.

[beautifulbritty712]

Thanks, but I know he won't do anything legal about it unless his kids said it bothers them, but they are too young I think to realize what is happening. She never planned anything for the weekends, every time he wanted his kids she would let him get them. And they were always home. Now for the last couple months he has been taking them every other weekend and now in the beginning of july she started sending only 2 kids, that is not fair he only sees his kids a couple times a month. I think maybe she started doing this because their son lived w/ my bf before, now I think she sends one away a week so she doesn't have them all at once. She also has 2 other kids from her new relationship, so I can understand she probably gets overwhelmed at times.

[peaceinknowing]

Although a lot of the back and forth drama throughout this thread has given me a smile here and there tonight, I felt the need to comment on your ORIGINAL question you posted way up above in regard to your boyfriend and what opinions you're asking for from the members here on the forums.

I have to say, that a lot of times people get very defensive when they get on here and ask a question as to what other people feel [a bit of advice, in other words] they should do when it comes to their relationship. When these people get the advice they don't wish to hear, the defense brick wall gets built up and drama is created between two people who are both hiding behind a computer screen. Lets all try and get along and focus on the fact that you're looking for advice rather than an argument, shall we?

After reading everything you've posted here, I feel it to be within your best interest to be 18 years old and have a good life. Not one that's allowed for you to be tied down to someone who waits up just to tell you goodnight over the phone. I mean sure, that's a sweet gesture of him to do this for you when you're unable to visit with one another; But the fact of the matter is, that not everything in this relationship is as honky dory as you're defending it to be. Otherwise, you never would've come to the forums asking for advice from the other members here. If I'm wrong, then I'll owe up to that - However, I think I just might have a semi decent point in what I'm saying to you.

This man is almost twice your age and will be eternally bound to another due to the fact that there are children involved with this other woman. Some people can handle this and some can not. Unfortunately, the majority rule tells us that more people have issues with this than not.

Also, I have to agree with what a lot of people are telling you here when they say that there is more than likely a good reason why he isn't dating someone of his maturity level and age right now. I know that this isn't always the case in situations such as this one, but once again it does happen more often than not. There are always three sides to every story when it comes to a divorce, and that is his side, her side and the truth.

Keep posting here and try and keep a positive attitude about things. Once again, it's not the best thing in the world to get extremely defensive with other people that you've come to for help. I noticed a few of your older posts on here, and this seems to be a trend where you come on the forum, ask a question, and then become fragile to the point of building a defense mechanism against what words of advice you don't wish to hear. Please don't view my words as attacking you right now, as I'm only an innocent bystander who has been on the outside looking in throughout this entire thread's time here on the boards. There's always going to be people who agree with you, and then there will be people who are going to give you their honest opinions whether it's something you wish to hear or not. The point is, is that you must try and keep in mind that YOU came to members seeking out their advice for you and your current situation.

Best of luck to you and yours, as I hope everything turns out for the best.

[beautifulbritty712]

I am not 18, I am 22. The reason I may seem to get defensive is because I did not ask advice about our age difference. I didn't ask advice about his past or our past. I didn't ask whether I should have kids if I am bipolar. I asked whether people thought he was changing for me or for his kids. I noticed a lot that people read things and jump to conclusions, which is probably why I became defensive. The information I included on here is not to give you background info on any of these other things, it was to ask people's opinions on the question I asked. I don't think anybody even answered my original question...... everyone just jumped on his age or he didn't want any more kids at first or anything else. This was not what I wanted to hear people's opinions about, it was all small pieces of the picture that I thought might be relevant to the situation. If I just came on here and said Will my boyfriend be a good dad? everyone would be like how in the world would we know? I got defensive because people saw some of the small parts of our relationship I chose to share and decided to tell me about that. I'm not asking about mine and his relationship, if I was I would surely have given different info. And if everyone just answered the question I asked I would have listened to the advice. Doesn't it make sense all these other subjects that were brought up have a lot of different info about them than what I first posted? I wouldn't even say I was being defensive- if somebody has something to say about things they don't know even a small part about shouldn't I give more info? I probably should have stopped this in the first place by just saying that people were not answering the question I asked, but being who I am I didnt.

[peaceinknowing]

Believe it or not I understand where you're coming from. The only thing is, is that you included all that information along with the question. People know that you came here, posted a question that showed concern and saw the title of your post that was a cry for help and went from there with their advice to you. When it comes to a situation like the one you're in right now, the additional information can be determining factors when it comes to what sort of advice other people feel would be beneficial to you and your current situation. A lot of times people will give a yes or no answer, but then back it up with their reasoning behind that yes or no response, if that makes sense.

Either way, I know what you mean. I read the post from start to finish and as you can see from my initial response to your question up above, even I routed myself in placing information you handed to us to justify why I felt my advice would be somewhat beneficial to you right now in your situation. You put the other tidbits of information out there for a reason, and I highly dount it was for the soul purpose of just having something to type in your spare time. These are obviously things and facts that bother you as well. Otherwise it would have been left out. Once again, I could be wrong and I'll owe up to that if I am.

So here is my ADVICE to your question then, as I do not have all the answers even though I wish I did at times... HAHA!

I do not think he would be a good father to a child conceived with you or anyone else from this point on. I do not know him personally, so I'm only basing my advice and/or opinion based on ALL the information you've placed to everyone here above.

[beautifulbritty712]

Yes, I keep coming back to that conclusion too. I want to think otherwise because he is a really good guy but I think maybe he is too damaged. I just have to find the strength to end it, but it is so hard because I really think if we kept at our relationship we could make a life together. Ok, I know you guys don't really agree with our relationship, but if I told you more I think you would change your minds. Just to prevent more misunderstanding I will no get into too much detail this time, but do you think if you have a good relationship with someone you wouldn't be compatible to be a parent with, would you leave him or stay and not have kids? I will try really hard to just take your advice..... and keep in mind I am bipolar so I am not sure I should have kids anyway anymore now I think about it. I could take the chance and my kid could be able to cope usually like I can pretty well, but what would I do if my child did get the illness and it was more severe than mine is? I know my thinking may be inconsistent through this, but I change my mind as my moods change. I still want a kid, I haven't changed my mind about that, but maybe I shouldn't base my life upon it because maybe it will never happen? An I would like to say, before anyone comments, that very few people really know what they are getting into when they decide to start a family.... I just want to consider everything.

[peaceinknowing]

You seem like a fine 22 year old woman who surely has her head on straight, even though you've had to fight your own battles when it comes to other aspects of life. I just hope that everything works out in your favor; You just have to keep telling yourself that everything you've learned about life has everything to do with the following three words:

IT... GOES... ON...

[SeriousSam]

I do apolagise--kind of.  You can understand why it would be kind of odd for one damaged person to be evaluating another damaged person as a partner though.

Be blessed.

[peaceinknowing]

Sam... What you just posted makes complete sense [to me] and I know that other members here on the forums will agree with this point you've made.

[imanaddict]

As an outsider looking in, I see so many valid points in every discussion. I wish I knew the answer to your question of " do you think if you have a good relationship with someone you wouldn't be compatible to be a parent with, would you leave him or stay and not have kids?"  That is a very good question! It's actually something I have never even really thought about! Usually it's the whole white picket fence scenario.. fall in love, get married, buy a house, have children, live happily ever after. In a perfect world, maybe, but we are not living in a perfect world by any means!

You are bi-polar, yet you really do seem to have your head on straight. And of course, there are ways to deal with it (medications) and bi-polar people have children every single day. Being bi-polar doesn't necessarily mean that you will be a bad mother. I have 4 kids, not bi-polar, and I question every day whether or not I'm doing right by my children. I'm sure I'm not the only one either! If you do have kids, and things don't work out with your husband, you wouldn't be the first woman that happened to, and definitely not the last!

From what you have said regarding your husband and what kind of father he is toward his children now, it sounds as if needed that "push" from you to realize what he was doing wrong. He got it, and now he's trying to correct it. That is wonderful! Sometimes parents need that little reality check from time to time.

In the end, the answer to your question will be up to you. You know him, you know his children, you know what kind of life you guys lead. If you feel he isn't a good parent, then just hold off on children for a bit. There's no rush, especially since it sounds like you guys already have your hands full! Give it some time, continue to talk to him and communicate and just see how it goes for a while.

I hope it all works out for you!

[beautifulbritty712]

Thank you guys for your insights, I do have a lot to think about still.

[kathy434]

If you have been with this boyfriend for four years, so far, and you cannot decide whether he would be a good father to your child, I would consider moving on in life.  You should be able to tell after observing him for four years, with his children already.
You also seem to concentrate mainly on when you two break up.  It is as though you know this will be your outcome.  In any relationship, you had better be far more optomistic that you and your significant other are well compatible for the long haul of life and family together.  After four years, you are still unsure.  
Being Bipolar does not have to mean that you will be a bad mother, or a bad wife.  But it would be best that you see a psychopharmachologist who can combine your meds in a way that you will get stabalized.  This and talk therapy work well together.  This should be your main concern right now.  While Bipolar is known to be genetic, it does not mean your life ends here.  It does mean that you need to keep your life as stress-free as possible.  Environment can also affect mood swings.
Just from what I read on your posts, you appear to be unsure of who you are and what you expect in your life.  You are waiting on the sidelines to see what your boyfriend does, when you should be in the game of life carving out your own dreams, skills, and goals.  You need to put more of your own life into action rather than just waiting for someone else to make their move.  If he ultimately decides you are not the one for him, then you will already be moving in a healthy direction rather than sitting back wasting time.

[kathy434]

Hello again,

When couples divorce, they are to work out a custody agreement, and visitation schedule in agreement and it is all written down in the legal papers.  Therefore, if either parent does not abide by the written orders by family court, and Dad has a hard time seeing his children as ordered because the mother is causing problems, or vice versa, he should return to family court about the problem.  They hopefully will straighten out the matter with the offending parent.  But the parent has to get back to the family court first to make his complaint.  You do have ammunition to work with.

Child support is exactly that.  The parent who is to pay child support needs to realize it is not to support the other parent and his/her needs, wants etc., it is to cover the cost of living expenses for the children.  Rent, food, water, sanitation, school and its related expenses, and health and dentistry.  Trying to raise a family without that support is extremely difficult for the parent who is raising the children.  Worse yet, it is very hard on those children, and they know it.

I don't know the STATISTICS.  But truthfully that is not important.  Deadbeat parents are a problem in our society.  It is not fair or right that they should get away with being deadbeats.
There has got to be a better way our system deals with deadbeats than what they seem to be required to follow with current laws.

We know a young man who frequently we would be taking "home".  He would say, "Today, drop me off at my mother's house".  "Drop me off today at my father's house."  Never did we hear him say "Drop me off at MY home."  His parents had 50/50 custody and he just bounced around like a pingpong ball.  It hurt to see this happening to this kid.

So you see, I have seen problems with even the 50/50 choice.  Kids are not the winners, unless their parents both work together to make those kids the winners.

Kids need both their parents in their lives.  They love both and should never be put in the position of having to choose one over the other.  They are not pons in their parents warfare.
And the parent paying child support needs to do more than financial support.  He/she needs to participate in that child's life forever, as even as a grown person children still need their parents, even if only in different ways.  For mothers/fathers to drop out of their children's lives is devastating for those children.

I can see that you, "Sam" are angry about your situation, and I am deeply sorry that it is so.  But I am happy you said that you take your daughter shopping, and you take care of your son, and hopefully you are able to spend as much time with them as you possibly can.  They will love you for it and they will will forever remember your caring.  And when you are not able to be around them for periods, write to them each, send photos, and tuck in a little rememberances.
Call them often to hear about their days, problems, successes.  Not a bricklayer could separate your hearts and love.                     K

[kathy434]

Most relationships tend to date a year and a half.  If in that time they can't decide what the other person's true intent is (make a move with this relationship to get married), it is time to  move on to fertile territory where there is definitely more hope.  There are many single men out there who are looking for a wife and family in their future.

You need to see ACTION now on your boyfriend's part.  Date set, time set, place set, and genuine motions made in this direction by him.  A definite enthusiastic Yes, or No.  Then if he is still wishy washy he means No.  You would be foolish to stay another day with him.  I know you love him, but I don't think he really loves you the same way.  I don't think he is going to ever marry you.  Move on.  Four years is too much.    K

[ktblues]

Sounds like this guy is NOT worth it. You can't change a person, the person has to change themselves. As much as everyone at one time or another wants to believe so badly that a person can change("but things will be perfect if just this one little thing was different"). You can't count on that.

AA has shown that Alcoholics(as well as smokers, drug addicts, whatever) rarely find the will to stop drinking if they are doing it for someone else. The change happens inside of them, only them, and them alone.
It's a harsh fact, but it's never failed me to be true.

This guy has problems with his own children(another deadbeat dad) meaning that he doesn't take things that are as important as a human life seriously. Anyone that won't think about the profound influence you have on your children as they grow up, isn't going to be mature enough to handle much more than that one issue.

Sounds like you're more mature than he is. I think you should seriously consider leaving him and setting up something for yourself that doesn't include him. You can do, and deserve better.