Aa
Please, I need an some opinions!
I have been with my boyfriend on and off since I was 18 and I'm 22, but he's 35. His age doesn't bother me, but I think his relationship to the girl he was with before me made him so untrusting. He thinks all females lie and cheat, probably the same way I used to feel about guys before I met him. He doesn't act real jealous or anything like that or always accuse me of cheating, but we talk about everything and sometimes when we're talking this stuff comes up. He says he doesn't want to ever live with me because he thinks I'll "just get sick of him after a little while". He has 3 kids with his ex and used to only see them once a month or less. I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids? But recently since Ive been kind of pressuring him about this (I even told him I wouldn't let him be the father of my child so we would have to break up eventually) and now he's wanting to see his kids more. He has been taking them every other weekend and calling them during the week. But when I asked about his daughter's favorite color (her bday is this week and I wanted to get her a gift) he doesn't know. I asked what kinds of games she likes and what toys she likes and he doesn't know. I was able to tell him she likes baseball and soccer and I've only hung out with her a few times. He said he didn't know he was supposed to talk to his kids like that and I told him they're people too if he wants a good relationship with them when they're older they need to get closer now, so he said when they come over this weekend he'll actually talk to them instead of just going shopping and eating and letting them play etc. My questions are this- He seems like he's changing to be a really good dad and I've been thinking maybe this could be long term.... but do you think it's just because of my pressuring and maybe if we ended up with a kid and broken up he would be how he was before without me, or worse if he found a new girlfriend who didn't want him to be close with his kids? Or maybe he was reluctant to see his kids before because of his hurtful past with their mom? I am not naive, I don't believe in true love and I know people change, and while I can see myself being with him forever now, maybe he or I or both of us will be different in the future and not so compatible. We already fight a lot, but about stupid stuff and we usually only fight for a few minutes before we get over it. I am looking at this point for someone who will be a great dad to my child. I think if I plan to bring a kid into this world (which I'm not even positive about yet and would still be years in the future) it's my responsibility to give him the best life I can, including the best dad. I wouldn't really even care if I love the guy if I thought he would be a good enough dad, but do you think the guy I do love would turn out to be the father I hope for?
PS he said he doesn't even want anymore kids, three is enough. I was ok with that when I was younger but as I get older I'm changing my mind. I told him this and he said he would have one more kid with me, but not for a few years when his kids get older which is perfect because I think I'm still too young and I only want one kid. Now I am at the point I'm thinking I need to decide now to take him or leave him because it takes a long time to get to know somebody well enough to decide if what kind of person they really are (he still surprises me after 4 years) and it could take years to find somebody you like enough to even start a relationship with, so if I want a kid in 4 or 5 years I should have started thinking about this a couple years ago! If I'm wasting my time I can't afford to waste anymore. Please give me advice!
PS he said he doesn't even want anymore kids, three is enough. I was ok with that when I was younger but as I get older I'm changing my mind. I told him this and he said he would have one more kid with me, but not for a few years when his kids get older which is perfect because I think I'm still too young and I only want one kid. Now I am at the point I'm thinking I need to decide now to take him or leave him because it takes a long time to get to know somebody well enough to decide if what kind of person they really are (he still surprises me after 4 years) and it could take years to find somebody you like enough to even start a relationship with, so if I want a kid in 4 or 5 years I should have started thinking about this a couple years ago! If I'm wasting my time I can't afford to waste anymore. Please give me advice!
Sounds like this guy is NOT worth it. You can't change a person, the person has to change themselves. As much as everyone at one time or another wants to believe so badly that a person can change("but things will be perfect if just this one little thing was different"). You can't count on that.
AA has shown that Alcoholics(as well as smokers, drug addicts, whatever) rarely find the will to stop drinking if they are doing it for someone else. The change happens inside of them, only them, and them alone.
It's a harsh fact, but it's never failed me to be true.
This guy has problems with his own children(another deadbeat dad) meaning that he doesn't take things that are as important as a human life seriously. Anyone that won't think about the profound influence you have on your children as they grow up, isn't going to be mature enough to handle much more than that one issue.
Sounds like you're more mature than he is. I think you should seriously consider leaving him and setting up something for yourself that doesn't include him. You can do, and deserve better.
AA has shown that Alcoholics(as well as smokers, drug addicts, whatever) rarely find the will to stop drinking if they are doing it for someone else. The change happens inside of them, only them, and them alone.
It's a harsh fact, but it's never failed me to be true.
This guy has problems with his own children(another deadbeat dad) meaning that he doesn't take things that are as important as a human life seriously. Anyone that won't think about the profound influence you have on your children as they grow up, isn't going to be mature enough to handle much more than that one issue.
Sounds like you're more mature than he is. I think you should seriously consider leaving him and setting up something for yourself that doesn't include him. You can do, and deserve better.
Most relationships tend to date a year and a half. If in that time they can't decide what the other person's true intent is (make a move with this relationship to get married), it is time to move on to fertile territory where there is definitely more hope. There are many single men out there who are looking for a wife and family in their future.
You need to see ACTION now on your boyfriend's part. Date set, time set, place set, and genuine motions made in this direction by him. A definite enthusiastic Yes, or No. Then if he is still wishy washy he means No. You would be foolish to stay another day with him. I know you love him, but I don't think he really loves you the same way. I don't think he is going to ever marry you. Move on. Four years is too much. K
You need to see ACTION now on your boyfriend's part. Date set, time set, place set, and genuine motions made in this direction by him. A definite enthusiastic Yes, or No. Then if he is still wishy washy he means No. You would be foolish to stay another day with him. I know you love him, but I don't think he really loves you the same way. I don't think he is going to ever marry you. Move on. Four years is too much. K
Hello again,
When couples divorce, they are to work out a custody agreement, and visitation schedule in agreement and it is all written down in the legal papers. Therefore, if either parent does not abide by the written orders by family court, and Dad has a hard time seeing his children as ordered because the mother is causing problems, or vice versa, he should return to family court about the problem. They hopefully will straighten out the matter with the offending parent. But the parent has to get back to the family court first to make his complaint. You do have ammunition to work with.
Child support is exactly that. The parent who is to pay child support needs to realize it is not to support the other parent and his/her needs, wants etc., it is to cover the cost of living expenses for the children. Rent, food, water, sanitation, school and its related expenses, and health and dentistry. Trying to raise a family without that support is extremely difficult for the parent who is raising the children. Worse yet, it is very hard on those children, and they know it.
I don't know the STATISTICS. But truthfully that is not important. Deadbeat parents are a problem in our society. It is not fair or right that they should get away with being deadbeats.
There has got to be a better way our system deals with deadbeats than what they seem to be required to follow with current laws.
We know a young man who frequently we would be taking "home". He would say, "Today, drop me off at my mother's house". "Drop me off today at my father's house." Never did we hear him say "Drop me off at MY home." His parents had 50/50 custody and he just bounced around like a pingpong ball. It hurt to see this happening to this kid.
So you see, I have seen problems with even the 50/50 choice. Kids are not the winners, unless their parents both work together to make those kids the winners.
Kids need both their parents in their lives. They love both and should never be put in the position of having to choose one over the other. They are not pons in their parents warfare.
And the parent paying child support needs to do more than financial support. He/she needs to participate in that child's life forever, as even as a grown person children still need their parents, even if only in different ways. For mothers/fathers to drop out of their children's lives is devastating for those children.
I can see that you, "Sam" are angry about your situation, and I am deeply sorry that it is so. But I am happy you said that you take your daughter shopping, and you take care of your son, and hopefully you are able to spend as much time with them as you possibly can. They will love you for it and they will will forever remember your caring. And when you are not able to be around them for periods, write to them each, send photos, and tuck in a little rememberances.
Call them often to hear about their days, problems, successes. Not a bricklayer could separate your hearts and love. K
When couples divorce, they are to work out a custody agreement, and visitation schedule in agreement and it is all written down in the legal papers. Therefore, if either parent does not abide by the written orders by family court, and Dad has a hard time seeing his children as ordered because the mother is causing problems, or vice versa, he should return to family court about the problem. They hopefully will straighten out the matter with the offending parent. But the parent has to get back to the family court first to make his complaint. You do have ammunition to work with.
Child support is exactly that. The parent who is to pay child support needs to realize it is not to support the other parent and his/her needs, wants etc., it is to cover the cost of living expenses for the children. Rent, food, water, sanitation, school and its related expenses, and health and dentistry. Trying to raise a family without that support is extremely difficult for the parent who is raising the children. Worse yet, it is very hard on those children, and they know it.
I don't know the STATISTICS. But truthfully that is not important. Deadbeat parents are a problem in our society. It is not fair or right that they should get away with being deadbeats.
There has got to be a better way our system deals with deadbeats than what they seem to be required to follow with current laws.
We know a young man who frequently we would be taking "home". He would say, "Today, drop me off at my mother's house". "Drop me off today at my father's house." Never did we hear him say "Drop me off at MY home." His parents had 50/50 custody and he just bounced around like a pingpong ball. It hurt to see this happening to this kid.
So you see, I have seen problems with even the 50/50 choice. Kids are not the winners, unless their parents both work together to make those kids the winners.
Kids need both their parents in their lives. They love both and should never be put in the position of having to choose one over the other. They are not pons in their parents warfare.
And the parent paying child support needs to do more than financial support. He/she needs to participate in that child's life forever, as even as a grown person children still need their parents, even if only in different ways. For mothers/fathers to drop out of their children's lives is devastating for those children.
I can see that you, "Sam" are angry about your situation, and I am deeply sorry that it is so. But I am happy you said that you take your daughter shopping, and you take care of your son, and hopefully you are able to spend as much time with them as you possibly can. They will love you for it and they will will forever remember your caring. And when you are not able to be around them for periods, write to them each, send photos, and tuck in a little rememberances.
Call them often to hear about their days, problems, successes. Not a bricklayer could separate your hearts and love. K
If you have been with this boyfriend for four years, so far, and you cannot decide whether he would be a good father to your child, I would consider moving on in life. You should be able to tell after observing him for four years, with his children already.
You also seem to concentrate mainly on when you two break up. It is as though you know this will be your outcome. In any relationship, you had better be far more optomistic that you and your significant other are well compatible for the long haul of life and family together. After four years, you are still unsure.
Being Bipolar does not have to mean that you will be a bad mother, or a bad wife. But it would be best that you see a psychopharmachologist who can combine your meds in a way that you will get stabalized. This and talk therapy work well together. This should be your main concern right now. While Bipolar is known to be genetic, it does not mean your life ends here. It does mean that you need to keep your life as stress-free as possible. Environment can also affect mood swings.
Just from what I read on your posts, you appear to be unsure of who you are and what you expect in your life. You are waiting on the sidelines to see what your boyfriend does, when you should be in the game of life carving out your own dreams, skills, and goals. You need to put more of your own life into action rather than just waiting for someone else to make their move. If he ultimately decides you are not the one for him, then you will already be moving in a healthy direction rather than sitting back wasting time.
You also seem to concentrate mainly on when you two break up. It is as though you know this will be your outcome. In any relationship, you had better be far more optomistic that you and your significant other are well compatible for the long haul of life and family together. After four years, you are still unsure.
Being Bipolar does not have to mean that you will be a bad mother, or a bad wife. But it would be best that you see a psychopharmachologist who can combine your meds in a way that you will get stabalized. This and talk therapy work well together. This should be your main concern right now. While Bipolar is known to be genetic, it does not mean your life ends here. It does mean that you need to keep your life as stress-free as possible. Environment can also affect mood swings.
Just from what I read on your posts, you appear to be unsure of who you are and what you expect in your life. You are waiting on the sidelines to see what your boyfriend does, when you should be in the game of life carving out your own dreams, skills, and goals. You need to put more of your own life into action rather than just waiting for someone else to make their move. If he ultimately decides you are not the one for him, then you will already be moving in a healthy direction rather than sitting back wasting time.
As an outsider looking in, I see so many valid points in every discussion. I wish I knew the answer to your question of " do you think if you have a good relationship with someone you wouldn't be compatible to be a parent with, would you leave him or stay and not have kids?" That is a very good question! It's actually something I have never even really thought about! Usually it's the whole white picket fence scenario.. fall in love, get married, buy a house, have children, live happily ever after. In a perfect world, maybe, but we are not living in a perfect world by any means!
You are bi-polar, yet you really do seem to have your head on straight. And of course, there are ways to deal with it (medications) and bi-polar people have children every single day. Being bi-polar doesn't necessarily mean that you will be a bad mother. I have 4 kids, not bi-polar, and I question every day whether or not I'm doing right by my children. I'm sure I'm not the only one either! If you do have kids, and things don't work out with your husband, you wouldn't be the first woman that happened to, and definitely not the last!
From what you have said regarding your husband and what kind of father he is toward his children now, it sounds as if needed that "push" from you to realize what he was doing wrong. He got it, and now he's trying to correct it. That is wonderful! Sometimes parents need that little reality check from time to time.
In the end, the answer to your question will be up to you. You know him, you know his children, you know what kind of life you guys lead. If you feel he isn't a good parent, then just hold off on children for a bit. There's no rush, especially since it sounds like you guys already have your hands full! Give it some time, continue to talk to him and communicate and just see how it goes for a while.
I hope it all works out for you!
You are bi-polar, yet you really do seem to have your head on straight. And of course, there are ways to deal with it (medications) and bi-polar people have children every single day. Being bi-polar doesn't necessarily mean that you will be a bad mother. I have 4 kids, not bi-polar, and I question every day whether or not I'm doing right by my children. I'm sure I'm not the only one either! If you do have kids, and things don't work out with your husband, you wouldn't be the first woman that happened to, and definitely not the last!
From what you have said regarding your husband and what kind of father he is toward his children now, it sounds as if needed that "push" from you to realize what he was doing wrong. He got it, and now he's trying to correct it. That is wonderful! Sometimes parents need that little reality check from time to time.
In the end, the answer to your question will be up to you. You know him, you know his children, you know what kind of life you guys lead. If you feel he isn't a good parent, then just hold off on children for a bit. There's no rush, especially since it sounds like you guys already have your hands full! Give it some time, continue to talk to him and communicate and just see how it goes for a while.
I hope it all works out for you!
Sam... What you just posted makes complete sense [to me] and I know that other members here on the forums will agree with this point you've made.
I do apolagise--kind of. You can understand why it would be kind of odd for one damaged person to be evaluating another damaged person as a partner though.
Be blessed.
Be blessed.
You seem like a fine 22 year old woman who surely has her head on straight, even though you've had to fight your own battles when it comes to other aspects of life. I just hope that everything works out in your favor; You just have to keep telling yourself that everything you've learned about life has everything to do with the following three words:
IT... GOES... ON...
IT... GOES... ON...
Yes, I keep coming back to that conclusion too. I want to think otherwise because he is a really good guy but I think maybe he is too damaged. I just have to find the strength to end it, but it is so hard because I really think if we kept at our relationship we could make a life together. Ok, I know you guys don't really agree with our relationship, but if I told you more I think you would change your minds. Just to prevent more misunderstanding I will no get into too much detail this time, but do you think if you have a good relationship with someone you wouldn't be compatible to be a parent with, would you leave him or stay and not have kids? I will try really hard to just take your advice..... and keep in mind I am bipolar so I am not sure I should have kids anyway anymore now I think about it. I could take the chance and my kid could be able to cope usually like I can pretty well, but what would I do if my child did get the illness and it was more severe than mine is? I know my thinking may be inconsistent through this, but I change my mind as my moods change. I still want a kid, I haven't changed my mind about that, but maybe I shouldn't base my life upon it because maybe it will never happen? An I would like to say, before anyone comments, that very few people really know what they are getting into when they decide to start a family.... I just want to consider everything.
Believe it or not I understand where you're coming from. The only thing is, is that you included all that information along with the question. People know that you came here, posted a question that showed concern and saw the title of your post that was a cry for help and went from there with their advice to you. When it comes to a situation like the one you're in right now, the additional information can be determining factors when it comes to what sort of advice other people feel would be beneficial to you and your current situation. A lot of times people will give a yes or no answer, but then back it up with their reasoning behind that yes or no response, if that makes sense.
Either way, I know what you mean. I read the post from start to finish and as you can see from my initial response to your question up above, even I routed myself in placing information you handed to us to justify why I felt my advice would be somewhat beneficial to you right now in your situation. You put the other tidbits of information out there for a reason, and I highly dount it was for the soul purpose of just having something to type in your spare time. These are obviously things and facts that bother you as well. Otherwise it would have been left out. Once again, I could be wrong and I'll owe up to that if I am.
So here is my ADVICE to your question then, as I do not have all the answers even though I wish I did at times... HAHA!
I do not think he would be a good father to a child conceived with you or anyone else from this point on. I do not know him personally, so I'm only basing my advice and/or opinion based on ALL the information you've placed to everyone here above.
Either way, I know what you mean. I read the post from start to finish and as you can see from my initial response to your question up above, even I routed myself in placing information you handed to us to justify why I felt my advice would be somewhat beneficial to you right now in your situation. You put the other tidbits of information out there for a reason, and I highly dount it was for the soul purpose of just having something to type in your spare time. These are obviously things and facts that bother you as well. Otherwise it would have been left out. Once again, I could be wrong and I'll owe up to that if I am.
So here is my ADVICE to your question then, as I do not have all the answers even though I wish I did at times... HAHA!
I do not think he would be a good father to a child conceived with you or anyone else from this point on. I do not know him personally, so I'm only basing my advice and/or opinion based on ALL the information you've placed to everyone here above.
I am not 18, I am 22. The reason I may seem to get defensive is because I did not ask advice about our age difference. I didn't ask advice about his past or our past. I didn't ask whether I should have kids if I am bipolar. I asked whether people thought he was changing for me or for his kids. I noticed a lot that people read things and jump to conclusions, which is probably why I became defensive. The information I included on here is not to give you background info on any of these other things, it was to ask people's opinions on the question I asked. I don't think anybody even answered my original question...... everyone just jumped on his age or he didn't want any more kids at first or anything else. This was not what I wanted to hear people's opinions about, it was all small pieces of the picture that I thought might be relevant to the situation. If I just came on here and said Will my boyfriend be a good dad? everyone would be like how in the world would we know? I got defensive because people saw some of the small parts of our relationship I chose to share and decided to tell me about that. I'm not asking about mine and his relationship, if I was I would surely have given different info. And if everyone just answered the question I asked I would have listened to the advice. Doesn't it make sense all these other subjects that were brought up have a lot of different info about them than what I first posted? I wouldn't even say I was being defensive- if somebody has something to say about things they don't know even a small part about shouldn't I give more info? I probably should have stopped this in the first place by just saying that people were not answering the question I asked, but being who I am I didnt.
Although a lot of the back and forth drama throughout this thread has given me a smile here and there tonight, I felt the need to comment on your ORIGINAL question you posted way up above in regard to your boyfriend and what opinions you're asking for from the members here on the forums.
I have to say, that a lot of times people get very defensive when they get on here and ask a question as to what other people feel [a bit of advice, in other words] they should do when it comes to their relationship. When these people get the advice they don't wish to hear, the defense brick wall gets built up and drama is created between two people who are both hiding behind a computer screen. Lets all try and get along and focus on the fact that you're looking for advice rather than an argument, shall we?
After reading everything you've posted here, I feel it to be within your best interest to be 18 years old and have a good life. Not one that's allowed for you to be tied down to someone who waits up just to tell you goodnight over the phone. I mean sure, that's a sweet gesture of him to do this for you when you're unable to visit with one another; But the fact of the matter is, that not everything in this relationship is as honky dory as you're defending it to be. Otherwise, you never would've come to the forums asking for advice from the other members here. If I'm wrong, then I'll owe up to that - However, I think I just might have a semi decent point in what I'm saying to you.
This man is almost twice your age and will be eternally bound to another due to the fact that there are children involved with this other woman. Some people can handle this and some can not. Unfortunately, the majority rule tells us that more people have issues with this than not.
Also, I have to agree with what a lot of people are telling you here when they say that there is more than likely a good reason why he isn't dating someone of his maturity level and age right now. I know that this isn't always the case in situations such as this one, but once again it does happen more often than not. There are always three sides to every story when it comes to a divorce, and that is his side, her side and the truth.
Keep posting here and try and keep a positive attitude about things. Once again, it's not the best thing in the world to get extremely defensive with other people that you've come to for help. I noticed a few of your older posts on here, and this seems to be a trend where you come on the forum, ask a question, and then become fragile to the point of building a defense mechanism against what words of advice you don't wish to hear. Please don't view my words as attacking you right now, as I'm only an innocent bystander who has been on the outside looking in throughout this entire thread's time here on the boards. There's always going to be people who agree with you, and then there will be people who are going to give you their honest opinions whether it's something you wish to hear or not. The point is, is that you must try and keep in mind that YOU came to members seeking out their advice for you and your current situation.
Best of luck to you and yours, as I hope everything turns out for the best.
I have to say, that a lot of times people get very defensive when they get on here and ask a question as to what other people feel [a bit of advice, in other words] they should do when it comes to their relationship. When these people get the advice they don't wish to hear, the defense brick wall gets built up and drama is created between two people who are both hiding behind a computer screen. Lets all try and get along and focus on the fact that you're looking for advice rather than an argument, shall we?
After reading everything you've posted here, I feel it to be within your best interest to be 18 years old and have a good life. Not one that's allowed for you to be tied down to someone who waits up just to tell you goodnight over the phone. I mean sure, that's a sweet gesture of him to do this for you when you're unable to visit with one another; But the fact of the matter is, that not everything in this relationship is as honky dory as you're defending it to be. Otherwise, you never would've come to the forums asking for advice from the other members here. If I'm wrong, then I'll owe up to that - However, I think I just might have a semi decent point in what I'm saying to you.
This man is almost twice your age and will be eternally bound to another due to the fact that there are children involved with this other woman. Some people can handle this and some can not. Unfortunately, the majority rule tells us that more people have issues with this than not.
Also, I have to agree with what a lot of people are telling you here when they say that there is more than likely a good reason why he isn't dating someone of his maturity level and age right now. I know that this isn't always the case in situations such as this one, but once again it does happen more often than not. There are always three sides to every story when it comes to a divorce, and that is his side, her side and the truth.
Keep posting here and try and keep a positive attitude about things. Once again, it's not the best thing in the world to get extremely defensive with other people that you've come to for help. I noticed a few of your older posts on here, and this seems to be a trend where you come on the forum, ask a question, and then become fragile to the point of building a defense mechanism against what words of advice you don't wish to hear. Please don't view my words as attacking you right now, as I'm only an innocent bystander who has been on the outside looking in throughout this entire thread's time here on the boards. There's always going to be people who agree with you, and then there will be people who are going to give you their honest opinions whether it's something you wish to hear or not. The point is, is that you must try and keep in mind that YOU came to members seeking out their advice for you and your current situation.
Best of luck to you and yours, as I hope everything turns out for the best.
Thanks, but I know he won't do anything legal about it unless his kids said it bothers them, but they are too young I think to realize what is happening. She never planned anything for the weekends, every time he wanted his kids she would let him get them. And they were always home. Now for the last couple months he has been taking them every other weekend and now in the beginning of july she started sending only 2 kids, that is not fair he only sees his kids a couple times a month. I think maybe she started doing this because their son lived w/ my bf before, now I think she sends one away a week so she doesn't have them all at once. She also has 2 other kids from her new relationship, so I can understand she probably gets overwhelmed at times.
You can look at your bf's situation in one of two ways. One, yes, she shouldn't have scheduled the party on his weekend. If it's his weekend and she tries to dictate the scheduling or tell him that she wants her back early or whatever it's considered interferring with his visitation. If they have a schedule in place through the courts and he has a written agreement he can take her back to court saying that she was interferring with his weekend. He should write down and record all of the times she does do this. It could build his case. If he is consistent on the weekends he does have her he can then go to court and petition for more time. Now here's the second way to look at it and please don't take offense. Up until recently he hasn't been very good about seeing his children. It may be because of her or it may be because he chose that but still he didn't see his children more than once a month. Due to this, she decided not to bother working with his schedule and planned things without considering him since he wasn't really doing his part in his children's lives. So now that he is, she is just used to planning things her way and doesn't really see things his way. He doesn't need to keep the peace with her even though it's nice if their relationship is amicable for the children's sake. If he feels that she is being unreasonable or is taking from his time, he can say something. He can tell her that he knows she planned a party but it's his weekend and she really should've spoken with him first because he planned as well. Make sure she knows that for next year things will be done differently. Hope this helps a little. The courts may not always side with him. I know in my fiance's case, the judge was completely unreasonable and took her side. So I think that's exactly what Sam is referring to. Good luck.
Thank you but attorneys are not an option. This case is quite different than a lot of others but I won't go into details about it because it is my bf's business and that I know he won't want me telling people about. Again, I am sorry I messed with you a little but sometimes I get carried away with things. I hope you can forgive me for it, I realize I was arguing just to argue and some people don't like that but I kept going even after I realized it is a sensitive subject to you, and I shouldn't have done that. Sorry again, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your situation.
I work with several grandparent, and father's rights groups, but I really don't think you would click to well with most of them so it would probably not be a good idea to forward you to them as at least two of the better ones are run by fathers who kids have died at the hands of mom's if you think I get upset you would heve them livid.
. You might be better just checking out findlaw or a pay for site or better yet ask your mom to reccomend a good attorney.
. You might be better just checking out findlaw or a pay for site or better yet ask your mom to reccomend a good attorney.
I realize how some women are- and now it seems his ex is starting to act like this but we will see. He wanted to take his kids last weekend, and it should have been his weekend, but their mom sent one of the kids to his grandma's house. He planned to celebrate his daughter's birthday last weekend, but their mom said wait until next weekend so you can have them all. Now he talked to her last night and she said he can take them to dinner sat. night but they have to come the same night b/c she planned a party and then the bday girl is leaving to her grandma's house. This upset him because he planned to have a little party himself on sunday, now he can't. He will work until 7, then he has to go home shower and dress and then drive 20 minutes toi get them. He didn't get the cake because he thought he'd do that today so he could have it on sunday, so I am going to get it for him while he's working. So he has about three hours to get ready, get them, go eat, and come home for cake and presents. That b doesn't even know I am going to get the cake for him, if I didn't he would have to do that too and have less time with his kids. I think she is doing this on purpose, why would she sent his son away when she knew he wanted them that weekend? Then say he can have this weekend even though she has plans for them this weekend? I guess she sends one kid to her mom's every weekend, shouldn't she do this on her weekends instead of his? I am not saying women aren't horrible, I know we can be just like men can be too. I am not saying it would always be easy for a dad to get custody, but it is possible and dads do have rights to their kids. The things I said were taken out of proportion, maybe I said them poorly. I also said I was speaking from my experiences and everyone has different experiences, I did not say he was wrong about everything and I actually got a little too into this and was arguing with him just to argue, which I realize some people don't like and I apologized for upsetting him. I admitted I don't know a lot about this, and I would like to learn more. But maybe from someone who won't take things I say too personal. I do not claim to be right all the time and I know I am often wrong, so I was seeing if he would change my mind about it, which he didn't but maybe someone else could, or maybe they couldn't who knows? Anyway, and advise how to help my bf deal with his kids mom would be appreciated, or any comments anyone wants to share feel free I will consider everything. Maybe this was a mistake on her part though, or poor planning. I hope it doesn't become a habit, but if it does I will post a thing on here then to see what people think. Thanks for your input.
Although Sam can come off as angry and bitter about his situation, he is very right. A lot of women do use their children to hurt their exes in divorce. Been there, have seen it done to my fiance and it only hurts the children. Visitation and child support are separate issues in the courts. So you have to understand, your father petitioned to get visitation that day your mom took him to court. He is obligated to support you but he isn't obligated to be a part of your life. My fiance went through an ugly divorce and was so afraid of having any more children because of the ongoing battle over his daughter and his ex-wife. We did wind up having a child and when we had the most difficult moment in our relationship I refused to use our son as a pawn to hurt him. No matter how bad things get between us, he loves his son and our son loves him and I will let him see his son as much as he wants. But not a lot of women think like me. Men are rarely given custody, unless the mother agrees on it or is neglectful. My fiance gets to see his children twice a month from Friday night to Sunday night and that's every other weekend. This is how it is. So I don't blame your bf for not wanting to just jump into another decision about having a child without really thinking it through. He needs to focus his attention on his 3 kids that he currently has a strained relationship with. Seems that he's at least working on that. Give him some time. You are only 22, you have plenty of time to give him.
Yeah I'm sure the reason my boyfriend told me he would have a kid- so he could have a kid with me is because he would never want a kid with me. If we had a kid and broke up I would be more than willing to let him have custody, as long as I thought he would do right for our child and I got visitation. You say Americans don't think of the consequences of their actions, I am thinking of the consequences of my actions and the possible results and you say it is wrong of me. Nobody is born with coping skills, they have to be developed and taught. I actually cope very well with my illness and lead a basically normal life. I am always looking to improve myself, and I respect your opinion that I shouldn't have kids but like I said it's your opinion, doesn't make it right. You know nothing about me, how do you say I would take it out on my boyfriend if we broke up? I don't think I said I am suicidal, I have had suicidal thoughts but I think a lot of people do, even people you would call normal. I know if a relationship doesn't work it is rarely the fault of one person, probably never. I may have a mental problem, I am not handicapped. You learned so much, but you presume to think everyone is the same? Just like in the books huh? Every person who is bipolar is irrational? Many people who are bipolar make good parents, if they know about their illness and learn about and take steps to control it. Maybe a more accurate example would be if somebody had an alcohol problem in their past, you think they shouldn't have kids because alcoholism runs in families? I guess you could go as far as saying short people or fat people shouldn't have kids because you don't like those genetic traits. You judge a lot of people, one thing doesn't make someone a bad person. Have you ever turned your eyes on yourself? You tell me all this stuff you think about me and you know nothing about me except what I have told you on here. I could say a lot about how you talked to me and reacted to me but I won't because in reality you may be a very understanding and compassionate person. Maybe if the subject of father's rights hadn't come up you and I would have been friends, who knows. I don't know what you've been through and I was talking to you because I thought- well this guy has a different point of view than I do, maybe I can learn something from him. But I don't think I have learned much. So respond how you want, call me whatever you want. If you can tell me something I'd be interested in learning about instead of telling me things you about me, and I guess you must know me so well by now, I will respond again, otherwise I won't keep antagonizing you as you seem to be getting very upset. As much as I've enjoyed our conversations I really don't want to be the one to make you have a bad day.
PS- I am very happy to be who I am, with the ups and down and everything in between. I am happy my parents had me at the time and under the circumstances they did. I am happy for the experiences I've had and the hard lessons I learned early in life, because without all this I would not be who I am today and I love myself. Being "normal" would probably be a lot easier, but I don't mind a little hardship because it will make me a stronger person in the end. Good luck with your kids and I'm sorry for messing with you a little, I know it was kinda mean and I don't want to be like that. I'm on here to get advice and try to help others if I am able.
PS- I am very happy to be who I am, with the ups and down and everything in between. I am happy my parents had me at the time and under the circumstances they did. I am happy for the experiences I've had and the hard lessons I learned early in life, because without all this I would not be who I am today and I love myself. Being "normal" would probably be a lot easier, but I don't mind a little hardship because it will make me a stronger person in the end. Good luck with your kids and I'm sorry for messing with you a little, I know it was kinda mean and I don't want to be like that. I'm on here to get advice and try to help others if I am able.
I am both an American, and a vet, and I have very close friends who have died in combat, and I work ith people in and for the government and more. Plus I have a background in sociology, social work and psychology and have lived in eight countries for various durations so I think I am qualified to say that as a whole Americans do not listen, are insolent with little to be insolent about and generally live off the glory of a few without seeking to improve themselves or considering the consequences of their actions.
RE: Genetics. I would absolutely advise someone with an erratic genetic psychological condition to not be anywhere near kids, particularly since when you get a divorce or your husband (if/when married) divorced you, you have a higher chance of using them or taking it out on them. You can't picture getting a divorce and letting your boyfriend have the kids right?
Plus you are suicidal by your own words which means that with the stress of possibly being bipolar themselves your kids are also more than likely be suicidal at sometime in their lives and likely not have needed coping skills.
With all the psychological issues you have, and as crazy as the world is, why do you think you have a right to have kids? Because it will help YOU feel more stable? And then you have a repeat of what is going on wth you and your siblings? Before you even think about kids or how suitable a dad is, considr if you get a divorce he is more likely than you to get custody because of your documentable history.
RE: dads. The numbers you gave? I notice you stayed away from percentages? Less than 15% of dads get custody nationwide. The sheer volume of numbers should say something about how skewed our country is and the amount of deadbeet moms.
Really I think your boyfriend knows what he is doing and if he ever does have kids, it probably will not, intentionally, be with you.
Regarding men and children? You have no clue what type of subculture has developed because of how our country treats fathers and
RE: Genetics. I would absolutely advise someone with an erratic genetic psychological condition to not be anywhere near kids, particularly since when you get a divorce or your husband (if/when married) divorced you, you have a higher chance of using them or taking it out on them. You can't picture getting a divorce and letting your boyfriend have the kids right?
Plus you are suicidal by your own words which means that with the stress of possibly being bipolar themselves your kids are also more than likely be suicidal at sometime in their lives and likely not have needed coping skills.
With all the psychological issues you have, and as crazy as the world is, why do you think you have a right to have kids? Because it will help YOU feel more stable? And then you have a repeat of what is going on wth you and your siblings? Before you even think about kids or how suitable a dad is, considr if you get a divorce he is more likely than you to get custody because of your documentable history.
RE: dads. The numbers you gave? I notice you stayed away from percentages? Less than 15% of dads get custody nationwide. The sheer volume of numbers should say something about how skewed our country is and the amount of deadbeet moms.
Really I think your boyfriend knows what he is doing and if he ever does have kids, it probably will not, intentionally, be with you.
Regarding men and children? You have no clue what type of subculture has developed because of how our country treats fathers and
Well in the first place you don't have to call me indolent. My question had nothing to do with whether my boyfriend wants to have kids- where would you get that idea? What I wanted to know was basically whether he was acting differently for his kids' sake or for me? And I also know I might have times I would have trouble being a good parent because of my mental illness- which is why I want to make sure my child's father would be there emotionally through hard times. I need someone who is stable and loving. I think it is very important for me, probably more than mentally healthy people, to be careful who I choose to have kids with. Does this make sense? It would be a bad idea to throw two unstable people together and see what comes out of it, which is why I am so picky. As for bipolar being genetic- I am fully aware of this and have given it much thought. I might be a little crazy but I am happy with who I am and don't feel sorry for myself because of the hand I was dealt in life, I accept it and believe if my disorder passed on to my child I could teach him to accept it too. Would you tell someone who had breast cancer that she should never have kids because it can be genetic? Would you go as far as saying that because my dad's mother died of a brain tumor he shouldn't have had me because maybe the cancer gene will pass on to me? Well I will also accept that if it happens, life gives me what I get and I try to make the best of it. Would you say my dad should have denied me my life because I may get cancer in the future?
~Something that you didn't say but should be insecure enough to do introspection is could you be a good mother?~
why should I be insecure enough to "do introspection?" I don't understand really but if you mean what I think then like I said I realize I may have issues which is why I need to be picky about who I have kids with.
~Re: your mom I still think even if you don't post it online you should have someheavy introspection about what took place and revisit as an adult before you create a relationship that is a sequel to their divorce.~
I don't really understand this either, are you talking about me or my mom? Trust me I will be nothing like my mom. She put her boyfriend before her kids and I suffered for it and my sister suffered for it more than you will ever know. What exactly do you think took place? You seem to know more about this than I do I guess. I will be honest- I don't remember much but I have asked a lot of questions about it and the answers coincided with what I do remember, like my mom having to go through three different lawyers because the only cheap ones she could afford were not nearly as good as my dad's lawyer.
~I said to talk to your dad and boyfriend to find out what they really went through, and LISTEN carefully to what they say and what they do not say. Most Americans do not listen very well they hear but do not listen. ~
I have talked to them and I don't understand what I'm supposed to be hearing they don't say, like I said I have a great relationship with my dad and he tells me what I ask about.... My dad never once, and he has told me about the long letters he had to write and the time he spent on hold for an hour and a half just to get hung up on, complained about what he went through to see his kids. I also went through this stuff when my former employer tried to deny my unemployment several times and I had to go to court for it several times.... Are you talking about the emotional pain he felt having his family torn apart? That was too hard? Well sorry but women feel that too at the end of a 10 year marriage. Also, why would you say bad things about americans? You are taking all of this way out of proportion.
~Personally this quote alone would make me hesitate having gone through the bad stuff " I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids?" ~
Why shouldn't I consider this possibility?
* Number of marriages: 2,230,000
* Marriage rate: 7.5 per 1,000 total population
* Divorce rate: 3.6 per 1,000 population (46 reporting States and D.C.)
Should I act like the world isn't happening around me? Come on now, if you had had the forethought to consider how your girlfriend would react if you married and had kids with her then divorced, and when you thought of this you thought she would keep your kids from you, would you have married her? You don't ever wish you had considered this- then maybe, not for sure but maybe- you wouldn't have got hurt like you did. Maybe the woman you ended up with would want you to spend a lot of time with your kids. Hey maybe you would still even be married? I should jump into things without thinking of the consequences? Should I bet all my savings on a horse without looking at the odds? At least the savings I could earn back, you can't take back years of your life.
~Then talk to you mom, get her story. Then look up the old court papers. They say that we become our parents, if we are not careful. Are you sure that you won't beco,me your mom? Read everything you wrote, Read the parts where you became defensive and ask yourself why they bothered you.~
I have talked to my mom, and I am not going to obsess about this enough to look up old court papers. The past is over- I try to learn from it and move on, or I actually may end up obsessing about it which is not good. I would love to be just like my dad, he is the most thoughtful, compassionate, caring, and generous man I have ever known. Being like a person does not mean you will repeat their mistakes to me, but you take on their personality traits or physical traits. Maybe some people but I try to learn from people's mistakes so I don't do the same thing myself. I am nothing like my mom, you could ask anybody who knows me and they will tell you I take after my dad so much. And where did I become defensive? I clarified my situation, then I corrected somebody who misread or misinterpreted, I'm not sure which. I don't feel the need to defend myself against anybody on here, think what you want about me. We all have our own opinions and are entitled to them. I won't judge you for judging me, I accept that as who you are and that is ok.
~you come from a broken family so does he, age differences, experiences and mindsets are already against you. ~
He does not come from a broken family, his parents may be poor but they are very happily married. He went through a broken family, but that is definitely not where he comes from.
~Plus sometimes it is not the "willing to get me anything" but "what would I give up for my child and what would I fight to deny her" that is defining in whether you are a good parent and whether your children end up as spoiled rodents.~
Also very unclear to me- please explain...
~Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media.~
Well since it is so sad I didn't google this I just did, and the same site said there are 2 million deadbeat dads. hmm. That is a higher number than the moms required to pay child support. Could this be because a lot of these dads don't want custody? they don't even help support their kids...
Like I said I will talk to you all you want about this, but I am not getting upset about this. You insulted me personally and you insulted americans, and still I am not offended because it is your opinion and you are entitled to think I am indolent and that americans don't understand things. I just wonder if we don't understand words as well as you, how is it you have misunderstood so much I have said?
~Something that you didn't say but should be insecure enough to do introspection is could you be a good mother?~
why should I be insecure enough to "do introspection?" I don't understand really but if you mean what I think then like I said I realize I may have issues which is why I need to be picky about who I have kids with.
~Re: your mom I still think even if you don't post it online you should have someheavy introspection about what took place and revisit as an adult before you create a relationship that is a sequel to their divorce.~
I don't really understand this either, are you talking about me or my mom? Trust me I will be nothing like my mom. She put her boyfriend before her kids and I suffered for it and my sister suffered for it more than you will ever know. What exactly do you think took place? You seem to know more about this than I do I guess. I will be honest- I don't remember much but I have asked a lot of questions about it and the answers coincided with what I do remember, like my mom having to go through three different lawyers because the only cheap ones she could afford were not nearly as good as my dad's lawyer.
~I said to talk to your dad and boyfriend to find out what they really went through, and LISTEN carefully to what they say and what they do not say. Most Americans do not listen very well they hear but do not listen. ~
I have talked to them and I don't understand what I'm supposed to be hearing they don't say, like I said I have a great relationship with my dad and he tells me what I ask about.... My dad never once, and he has told me about the long letters he had to write and the time he spent on hold for an hour and a half just to get hung up on, complained about what he went through to see his kids. I also went through this stuff when my former employer tried to deny my unemployment several times and I had to go to court for it several times.... Are you talking about the emotional pain he felt having his family torn apart? That was too hard? Well sorry but women feel that too at the end of a 10 year marriage. Also, why would you say bad things about americans? You are taking all of this way out of proportion.
~Personally this quote alone would make me hesitate having gone through the bad stuff " I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids?" ~
Why shouldn't I consider this possibility?
* Number of marriages: 2,230,000
* Marriage rate: 7.5 per 1,000 total population
* Divorce rate: 3.6 per 1,000 population (46 reporting States and D.C.)
Should I act like the world isn't happening around me? Come on now, if you had had the forethought to consider how your girlfriend would react if you married and had kids with her then divorced, and when you thought of this you thought she would keep your kids from you, would you have married her? You don't ever wish you had considered this- then maybe, not for sure but maybe- you wouldn't have got hurt like you did. Maybe the woman you ended up with would want you to spend a lot of time with your kids. Hey maybe you would still even be married? I should jump into things without thinking of the consequences? Should I bet all my savings on a horse without looking at the odds? At least the savings I could earn back, you can't take back years of your life.
~Then talk to you mom, get her story. Then look up the old court papers. They say that we become our parents, if we are not careful. Are you sure that you won't beco,me your mom? Read everything you wrote, Read the parts where you became defensive and ask yourself why they bothered you.~
I have talked to my mom, and I am not going to obsess about this enough to look up old court papers. The past is over- I try to learn from it and move on, or I actually may end up obsessing about it which is not good. I would love to be just like my dad, he is the most thoughtful, compassionate, caring, and generous man I have ever known. Being like a person does not mean you will repeat their mistakes to me, but you take on their personality traits or physical traits. Maybe some people but I try to learn from people's mistakes so I don't do the same thing myself. I am nothing like my mom, you could ask anybody who knows me and they will tell you I take after my dad so much. And where did I become defensive? I clarified my situation, then I corrected somebody who misread or misinterpreted, I'm not sure which. I don't feel the need to defend myself against anybody on here, think what you want about me. We all have our own opinions and are entitled to them. I won't judge you for judging me, I accept that as who you are and that is ok.
~you come from a broken family so does he, age differences, experiences and mindsets are already against you. ~
He does not come from a broken family, his parents may be poor but they are very happily married. He went through a broken family, but that is definitely not where he comes from.
~Plus sometimes it is not the "willing to get me anything" but "what would I give up for my child and what would I fight to deny her" that is defining in whether you are a good parent and whether your children end up as spoiled rodents.~
Also very unclear to me- please explain...
~Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media.~
Well since it is so sad I didn't google this I just did, and the same site said there are 2 million deadbeat dads. hmm. That is a higher number than the moms required to pay child support. Could this be because a lot of these dads don't want custody? they don't even help support their kids...
Like I said I will talk to you all you want about this, but I am not getting upset about this. You insulted me personally and you insulted americans, and still I am not offended because it is your opinion and you are entitled to think I am indolent and that americans don't understand things. I just wonder if we don't understand words as well as you, how is it you have misunderstood so much I have said?
You will probably take this the wrong way but... I just read some of your other posts? Are you shore you should become a mother?
First of all bipolar is genetic. It is one of the mental illnesses that they have found a genetic marker for and I believe (could be wrong) that it is on the x chromosome?
If you have boyts of suicidal behavior, and all the rest of the stuff you posted you might not really be good parent material. Or at the very least get all of that stuff completely cleared up in your head, medications stabilized befor you start passing that genetic material about and trying to raise a child.
First of all bipolar is genetic. It is one of the mental illnesses that they have found a genetic marker for and I believe (could be wrong) that it is on the x chromosome?
If you have boyts of suicidal behavior, and all the rest of the stuff you posted you might not really be good parent material. Or at the very least get all of that stuff completely cleared up in your head, medications stabilized befor you start passing that genetic material about and trying to raise a child.
Back to you original question? Leave the man alone.
Would he be a good dad maybe, in the end that's something he would have to decide. Something that you didn't say but should be insecure enough to do introspection is could you be a good mother?
Honestly the best parents most often have a great deal of doubt and try very hard, but to be a good parent very often you have to put what is best for who my kids will eventually be, and what do I just want because I would like it? And then make the decision that seems to usually be the least appealing.
We got on the subject because you wanted to know why your boyfriend didn't want more kids.
Re: your mom I still think even if you don't post it online you should have someheavy introspection about what took place and revisit as an adult before you create a relationship that is a sequel to their divorce.
Would he be a good dad maybe, in the end that's something he would have to decide. Something that you didn't say but should be insecure enough to do introspection is could you be a good mother?
Honestly the best parents most often have a great deal of doubt and try very hard, but to be a good parent very often you have to put what is best for who my kids will eventually be, and what do I just want because I would like it? And then make the decision that seems to usually be the least appealing.
We got on the subject because you wanted to know why your boyfriend didn't want more kids.
Re: your mom I still think even if you don't post it online you should have someheavy introspection about what took place and revisit as an adult before you create a relationship that is a sequel to their divorce.
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