Please Help! Boyfriend on Sub, Has NO Sexdrive

[wishmasterqueen]

My boyfriend was a tab-addict for years and then switched to Suboxone a few months before we met. We met online and lived in different states, so we hardly ever got to see each other for about 2 years. I got a job in his town about 8 months ago, now we are able to see each other everyday. I am happy to be able to see him and help him with his opiate recovery, but I am extremely depressed when it comes to our sex life. In past relationships I was used to having sex every other day, maybe a few time a week, but now I am lucky if I manage to convince him to have sex once a week, or even once every 2 weeks. If I don't remind him that we haven't had sex in a while, or if I do not pursue the sex myself, it will never ever happen. If we have not had sex in over a week and a half, AND he is not able to take his Sub on time, maybe an hour or two late, very rarely, he will be in the mood on his own and want sex, but its hardly ever! And when these times do happen, he is usually overly sensitive since his Sub has mostly worn off and he is no longer "numb." Being overly sensitive is sometimes nice because he at least seems excited about having sex, and seems much more into it, but it also causes a number of problems. Sometimes we can only get through about 5 minutes before he is too sensitive to be able to continue, if you know what I mean. I'm becoming more and more discouraged as our relationship progresses. Sometimes I feel like he just doesn't want me, but I know that isn't true. I know it has to be his Subs, because I do get the "real him" during the rare time when Subs are out of the equation. He says he has never had a problem in his past with sex drive, or sensitivity, at least not before Subs. He says he too believes the Subs are the main cause. I just wish he had more of a drive, and I wish he seemed more passionate during sex. It just seems like he could care less if sex existed or not, and that disappoints me. I'm just trying to figure out if anyone else has ever experienced a similarly extreme case?

[specialmom]

We date for a reason. we are to figure out if this is someone we would want to be with forever.  If you are unhappy now and putting up with it, there is really no reason to stay in that relationship.  A sexless life if you value sex, a partner with an addiction problem (as sub is STILL being addicted to drugs) is just not a great combination for a life time of happiness.  Put yourself first and find someone you are more compatible with.  good luck

[toronto213]

I know this is a very old post, but I just came across it and wanted to comment.  I am in a very similar situation, my boyfriend is on suboxone and has no sex drive.  He never wants sex and has a difficult time getting hard and the once in a blue moon we do attempt sex he can't have an orgasm.  In the beginning of our relationship we had sec all the time, we were both sober, then we started using heroin and sex was still great, but once we got real far into the drugs sex stopped.  In the last year we have only attempted sex three times, and he only finished once.  It is so frustrating and hard on my self esteem.  I have heard that opiate use can diminish a man's testersone levels and I am hoping he will get that  checked out.  In the end subixone definitely has a negative impact on sex drive.  All other areas of our relationship are great.  He likes to cuddle and be affectionate but no sex.  Sometimes I wish he would at least take care of my needs, I mean he still has ten fingers and a mouth, but he doesn't even like doing that.  I hope we can get through this and get back to having a normal sex life.  I sometimes wonder if I could live like this forever...

[jame1983]

I've been on Sub for about two months now and my sex drive is lower, sex used to be in my mind at least every day, now it every other day. at this time it's not a big problem for me as I'm not in a relationship.

but here are some things that can help

he could take herbal supplements. some of these herbal supplements do work well, so he might want to try some of them for a few weeks and see how it goes. there are different kinds on the market do some research.
and they're pretty safe to take to.

  also he should exercise to, it will help..
does he have the problem of getting it up? if he has problems getting it up he can take viagra,etc..
or he's just not that interested? if he's not interested I would go with herbal and exercise.

what dosage is he taking?? he might want to lower his dosage, going on lower dosage will  reduce side effects, without interfering with the drug. also maybe he wants to check his testosterone level, it could be low, if thats the case he might go on  testosterone therapy. because these medication do lower testosterone.

[jame1983]

I've been on Sub for about two months now and my sex drive is lower, sex used to be in my mind at least every day, now it every other day. at this time it's not a big problem for me as I'm not in a relationship.

but here are some things that can help

he could take herbal supplements. some of these herbal supplements do work well, so he might want to try some of them for a few weeks and see how it goes. there are different kinds on the market do some research.
and they're pretty safe to take to.

  also he should exercise to, it will help..
does he have the problem of getting it up? if he has problems getting it up he can take viagra,etc..
or he's just not that interested? if he's not interested I would go with herbal and exercise.

what dosage is he taking?? he might want to lower his dosage, going on lower dosage will  reduce side effects, without interfering with the drug. also maybe he wants to check his testosterone level, it could be low, if thats the case he might go on  testosterone therapy. because these medication do lower testosterone.

[wishmasterqueen]

yeah its true, they have a ridiculously long half life. Strange thing is that he starts feeling awful within a few Hours of his next dose. He's so sensitive to the Subs its crazy. His doctor even said this wasn't uncommon for someone who has been taking Subs as consistently as he was before he started seeking medical help. But even still... the bigger issue here is that it feels impossible to talk to him about changing dose times etc. He will always say "the doctor wants me to do it at these time and this way for a reason" and even worse... because he doesnt care about sex to begin with, he seems to think everything is going great, despite my conversations with him about how its driving me insane and it makes me unhappy. He cares about me a lot, but because sex is never on his mind, he simply forgets it matters. He just doesnt want sex, and hes okay with that. Its not him, its the Subs convincing him he doesnt want sex. Hes not like this when the subs wear off or when he runs out completely. Im also worried that if he didnt take his Sub he wouldnt last 2 seconds in bed. its happened every time he's late to take his dose or when he's run out of Sub. And even that probably wouldnt be an issue anymore if he had a normal sex drive and got used to having sex more than once in a blue moon.

[jade_and_janessas_mommy]

I used to feel like I was alone with that, too.  I think all opiates have a bad effect on a man's sexual desire.  I used to count the days of the month we had sex, it would usually be one or two.  You need to talk with him and maybe he can adjust the time of day he takes his medication, and try different things.  I always noticed if it had been over 12 hours since he had last taken any, he was able to perform for the most part.  Subs have a half life of something like 36 hours, so he could even miss a day and not have any withdrawl symptoms.  I'm not saying he should miss a day, I'm just saying he would be OK to go 24 hours in between doses.  That's the way I used to take it and I was always fine.

[wishmasterqueen]

Thank you for your support. I will be talking with him about the depression more in the future, if not today. I have talked to him about it before, and he usually agrees, but sometimes I think it is hard to get him to realize how many different things are tied into the way he acts. He doesn't eat well, let alone often enough. That's partly due to the Subs I think... but he needs to make an effort to fix himself. He can't just blame everything on the Subs, even though I know it is hard not to, and I know they are the number one thing effecting him right now. He can't let himself go (health-wise) just because Subs are dragging him down, it'll only make him worse. He also hardly gets any exercise, aside from hard labor at his work. I don't really know how hard the labor at his work is though, he always complains about how difficult it is, and tiring, but a little part of that could be because he already has back problems, as well as his addiction... the subs could be messing with his pain receptors... he says the work is usually its hardest when his Subs start wearing off and he needs more., he apparently has no problems at work if he is loaded on Sub, sigh. I also do not believe hard labor is what he needs as far as exercise anyways, i believe he really needs something as simple as riding a bike or a jog here and there. He gets away with thinking he is healthy simply because he is Thin. I try to explain to him that he wouldn't ordinarily be as thin as he is, but he doesn't really believe me i don't think. Subs control his appetite and weight, but he could use a few more pounds, and some color in his face. He Does listen to me and takes some of my advice, but sometimes I get the feeling that he thinks I'm overreacting when it comes to his health, and how it could be greatly effecting the way he feels and acts daily. He needs to hear it from someone else, like a doctor, I'm going to try my best to get him to see a regular doctor as well as another for depression, maybe when he's almost off of Subs. I don't want to overwhelm him with more doctors and meds just yet. You're advice is helping me a lot. Thanks again.

[wishmasterqueen]

Wow, thankyou. At least I am not alone. Sometime's I feel the worst part of all this is feeling like I am alone and this will never end. I managed to get him to have sex last night, but it was so late by the time he had managed to come to bed, that he said "this can't take long since it's so late and we have work in the morning." That usually makes sense to me, but I was not happy with hearing that, it's been too many times I have heard that now. I only wished he had come to bed sooner. That is something that would only come to his mind if he had a reason to come to bed sooner. And he doesn't have a reason, because he doesn't think about sex, ever.

At least knowing for sure, that Subs have this much of an effect on more people than just My boyfriend makes things a little easier.

[jade_and_janessas_mommy]

My husband and I were on Suboxone / Subutex for about 2 years.  It didn't affect my sex drive at all, but when I read your post, it was like you was describing what it was like being with someone who took Subs every day.  It totally killed his sex drive, and when I did talk him into sex, it would end so fast it was frustrating.  So I know where you're coming from.

I would say it is definalty a side effect.

[specialmom]

I'm wondering what your boyfriend is doing to address the depression and anxiety.  Talk therapy is great and often antidepressent medication is needed to overcome this medical condition.  A psychiatrist should be added into the mix of doctor's that your boyfriend sees for his best chance of overcoming that portion of the problem.  I  know he is probably doctored out but my fear is that when he does eventually get off of sub, he is still in need of something to self medicate.  He could turn to something else such as the things I mentioned in my above post.  So this is just something to think about and discuss with him and maybe he is already pursuing that.  But I thought I'd mention it.  good luck to him and you.  

[wishmasterqueen]

I really don't mind any kind of help, whether its for relationship or sex drive. I'm finding out that both are good to hear. I just hope everyone realizes that I have a firm relationship with my boyfriend and I'm not looking to leave him, not now anyways, not until I feel like I have done all I can. I also have a lot of experience with opiates myself, and have known many opiate addicts. I've done a lot of thinking about how our relationship could turn out. For now I don't even really have a choice. If I left him I would be miserable. That kind of loss of companionship with someone so special to me, would hurt me far worse than the libido issue. As things are at this point anyways.

As for You being on Sub for 3 months, beware. When my boyfriend was on Lortabs for years his sex drive was okay. Then he started the Subs and was fine for months and months too. He has been on Sub for a few years (only two months with a doctor though), and the problems with his libido didn't start until about 8-9 months into doing Sub. Its hard to say when it happened really, because we used to live so far apart from one another, so I only saw him once in a great while, and sex didn't happen most of the time because of that - our time was limited. I hadn't been able to see him in 5 months, and the day I moved to his Town, I didn't even receive a passionate kiss. It took him over 3 weeks to get into bed with me. I didn't exactly initiate any sex either, but that's because I am used to a man being assertive when he wants sex, that's how he used to be anyways, and it hurt a whole lot to realize as the days go by, and my boyfriend wasn't even trying to initiate anything with me. I threw around a few jokes here and there to test the waters during the first month or two of living here, but he didn't seem to respond much to it. I always get lots of love from him, tons of kisses, and tons of hugs and every other minute I hear "I love you" and he's very affectionate, but it goes no further than that. The passion just isn't there. And he's said it too... he has literally said "I don't know where the passion went... the Subs took it all away... I feel nothing anymore now that I've been on these things so long."

[ANewLife4Me]

I just started my third month on Suboxone and I while I can say I haven't totally lost my entire sex drive, I have noticed it is much harder to climax.  I was so numb and out of it on the opiates that I never wanted to have sex, never even thought about it.  Now it's different, I feel like I did before the Sub, before the opiates, just a little harder "getting there" I guess you'd say.
So I was concerned that when I started Sub, it would be the same but it was not.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that a lot of my feelings came back while on the med and I didn't think they would.  I know you said you weren't looking for advice and more on what people on Sub felt as far as their sex drive, so that's why I posted this.  Don't know if it helps or not...

[wishmasterqueen]

Thank you everyone for all of your advice. I was initially wondering why more people with Suboxone (or any opiate for that matter) problems weren't responding but I guess I know now. I meant to put this Post in the Addiction section of the website, but I guess for some reason it posted here instead.

It is true, I'm not so much looking for relationship advice... As I am interersted in seeking people with a similar problem or issue... People who can relate from first hand experience. I've gone through many of the forums in the Addiction area of this site, and I have picked up on numerous posts that did help me a little bit with the whole situation, but most of the posts were from a while ago, and I wanted more updated opinions, so I felt the need to write my own Post. I guess where this is all really stemming from is that I'm trying to find people who have had an extremely similar situation. Another person who also has a significant other who has an extremely low libido due to opiates. This post really should have gone into the Addiction area. I apologize for the confusion.

To answer Specialmom: He does have times where he seems very depressed, or at least - lacks optimism, as well as the passion that life can sometimes bring us. He has mentioned several times that he believes he is depressed, but it's hard to tell whether it's just a bad day, or the Suboxone messing with him, or if he is truly depressed. He says that through his drug council he has realized and pinpointed the root of his addiction. He says it is comimg from a severe depression that started through a turbulent childhood. Even though his home life is in much better shape now, and he says he is happier, the damage has been done. Enough damage to get him addicted Opiates. An addiction that all started because he wanted to escape the reality of rotten world he once had been living in. So now... things are better, and he wants to get off of Suboxone, but as Teko said, "Once an addict always an addict." But I do hope things change for him now that he has nothing to run from or hide from, his life - according to him - is something he should be happy and excited about. There is no rotten reality to escape from. There is just Suboxone to escape from. Fortunately, he does have several friends who were all in the same boat with opiates and Suboxone, and they all managed to get off opiates entirely. My boyfriend is now going to their very same doctor, and following their advice. I'm very glad they managed to get rid of opiates because it is making it seem like more of an achievable goal for him. He is getting strength from their success.

I am not entirely aloof to the world of opiates myself. I must confess that I, too, used to take Suboxone on a regular basis, but it was a large enough dose, nor did I take them long enough to have the terrible side effects it has had on my boyfriend. I merely had to run though a week of detox on my own and everything was over. My use of Suboxone was recreational at most, and never really turned into anything I felt I "needed". Minor withdrawal symptoms were as bad as it got, and when I felt my time with Subs were over, just like that, it was over. My sex drive never changed much, it may have been suppressed a hardly detectable amount... but nothing like whatever my boyfriend is experiencing now. Although we are trying to solve his addiction one way or another, day by day, and his whole outlook on his addiction is definitely improving, it does annoy me that he does not discuss his libido problem with his doctor (that I know of, I should probably ask him about it). I don't think my boyfriend really ever remembers or understands how big of an issue libido is to talk to his doctor about it. It's also not an easy thing to discuss I suppose.

Overall I'm really happy about how his couceling is going, I can see a great change in his mood when he comes home from Group Therapy... He seems inspired by other people's stories and relates to them. He talks a lot about Group, that's for sure. And I'm happy for him. It's just the whole libido thing that sometimes drives me insane. Some days are easier than others. We go out and do all sorts of great things together, and that makes me realize why I am with him. But at the end of the night, it is so difficult to know how to go about "reminding" him about intimate time together... I'm tired of "reminding" him. I feel like I'm hounding him for sex all the time... when really I only bug him about it once a week, I don't think that's unreasonable. We're still young, things should be fun, and yet I feel like I'm chasing him around. Sometimes I get so frustrated I just end up recoiling away from him because I start having moments of despair, and its hard to control, it's hard to remember why his is so distant when it comes to sex. It's confusing! Once he's involved in sex, he's fine. We don't really have too many issues, he seems happy to do it, and he definitely enjoys it, but its getting him to want it in the first place that's so difficult! He always forgets how long it has been since the last time we were intimate. He will literally stay awake all night doing his hobbies (electronics, computer games, scroll saw artwork, playing guitar, reading books, etc) He does not lack the enthusiasm for those things... but when he finally hops into bed after everything, he is visibly too tired to do anything else, and then he passes out. Suboxone has its helping hand in that too, it will make him pass out the minute he lays down. Especially after a long day at work on top of all that. I've been making efforts to get him to come to bed a bit sooner, but its hard to get him to understand *why he should be getting into bed so soon* because he forgets! I do try to be clear sometimes, and tell him straight up that it's been awhile since sex... and he does respond to that most of the time, but I'm so tired of having to remind him. I feel like I'm the only one who wants it... (because technically I guess I am the only one, at least until things are actually happening). And even though he enjoys it once its happening, he's very reserved, and lacks passion. He hasn't always been this way however. When we first met, he wasn't on a high dose of Suboxone. He was on only a small amount, and things were much different. So I know he doesn't naturally act like this, in fact he is far from it. But I feel like part of him has been taken away from me, from Subs.

[el_em_en_oh]

Yes... once and addict, always an addict, BUT, there is light at the end of the tunnel. First and foremost, he needs to get himself off the Subs. Suboxone is supposed to be used 'short term', although it's used long-term these days as it's a HUGE money-grab for the doctors that prescribe it. It has it's place in opiate addiction recovery, but shouldn't be used long-term. He's basically replaced one addiction for another.

Suboxone is very much like an opiate in many ways, and take it from one who knows, when you're on opiates, the LAST thing you want is sex. I've said before, that during my addiction, the drugs were my mistress. I didn't cheat on my wife in the 'classical' meaning of the word "cheat", but I really did... for 2 years... with my opiate addiction.

That being said, he really needs to get off the Suboxone... REALLY. As SeriousSam said, you may want to visit the 'Addiction: Substance Abuse' forum. I hang out in there too and would be happy to show you around. Plenty of folks like me in there! (Hopefully that won't scare you away. We don't all bite... much!)

[SeriousSam]

You know once an addict always an addict?  That being said I am normally willing to answer most sex questions, and rather well I like to think, however as much of this has to do with long term addiction I would, suggest that forum might be more useful in this matter as addiction and it's side affects is more what you are questing regarding than relationships or sex,

[teko]

Just to clarify, I do stand by my original post, however as you pointed out, that was not your question, so I felt it only fair to answer the main question you wanted answers to. Consider the original my 2 cents worth. My bad

[specialmom]

Oh boy.  I was going to agree with your original post teko.  I think that when it comes to choosing our mate, we shouldn't overlook things like their drug addiction.  Love does not conquer all in the real world.  

With regards to the sex drive problem, is your boyfriend perhaps depressed?  Could his drug addiction also have been masking some mental health issues such as depression and anxiety?  This is well known to impede libido and have sexual affects on a person.  

You seem determined to stay in this relationship.  I would encourage you to attend some Al Anon meetings.  They are very helpful.  I also want you to be careful and look for other things that he may get involved in.  Many times as a person sobers from one addiction, if they have an addictive personality-------- they will find another "drug".  Shopping/overspending, gambling, internet/gaming, and sex are all common things people who have overcome one addiction will turn to.  Not all do this.  But I would just encourage you to be realistic here and keep your eyes open.  I wish you the best of luck and happiness.

[teko]

Gotcha. With that being said then, it is probably a side effect of the drug and hopefully when they start lowering the dosage of the drug things will change. Has he talked to his doctor about this problem as there might be something they could give to help him, or maybe it would not be a good time to introduce yet another drug. I empathize with your situation and it sounds like you have thought things out very carefully. He is a very lucky man to have you. Hopefully things will get better as he progresses, but it could be a matter of just hanging in there and waiting it out. And that will be hard, but as you said, worth it.

[wishmasterqueen]

Well there is a reason he is on Suboxone now and not tabs. He was getting Suboxone off of the streets for about a year or two and realized he didn't want to live a life with drugs anymore. He said it was ruining his financial life, his family life, and his relationship. I never made him or asked him to quit Subs, but I did make it clear from the beginning that it was going to ruin his life and possibly our relationship in the future. He agreed, but didn't do anything about it for a few months, but ever since he made the decision to get off Subs, he has been attending group therapy once a week, as well as seeing a private doctor an additional once a week for drug council, and recovery. This is the first time he has ever wanted to quit Subs for good, and the first time he has ever done anything about it. I'm actually really surprised and I think he is quite serious. One reason being, he has no medical insurance. Every doctor visit he goes to costs him $80. And every script of Sub costs an additional $50. He spends $130 a week out of pocket to quit, and he really can barely afford that. When he was buying Subs off the street, he was only spending about $50 a week, and wasting a lot of time chasing people around for it, as well as feeling miserable about himself and his problem. Now he is under a lot of supervision, by his doctor and by me. His doctor has me come in to talk once in a while too (to see how my boyfriend is doing at home rather than in a doctors office setting). His doctor will soon begin lowering his Suboxone doses, and we will see what happens. I have already sat down and thought about it. I have many many many times before. As a person, he is wonderful and treats me with more respect than anyone I have ever met or had a relationship with. He understands me better than anyone too. I believe he is willing to give what it takes to quit his addiction, and I am here to help with that. I'm just trying to get some feedback about our sex life, not whether I should stay with him or not, I love him more than anything, so I'm not going to leave him, especially not after he has started making clear progress, at least mentally. I do understand what you are trying to say though. I have thought about it all a lot... many times really. But the relationship we have (even without frequent sex) is still worth so much to me. Its just a bummer sometimes lol

[teko]

If my boyfriend were addicted to anything but me, he is not mine but is possessed by that, that he is addicted to. You will always be second to the drugs. You have spent all this time in your effort to help him (which you cannot, he can only help himself). When do you start helping yourself? Drugs are ruling his life, your life and the sex life. This is what happens, how it will be from now on out, and you need to ask yourself if what you are losing is worth it. You only know a person under the influence, and not the real person without the drugs. I would seriously sit down and give some serious thought to going down this path much longer. You are throwing your future out the window unless he gets help. And like I said, he has to want that more than the drugs in order for that to happen. Good luck to you.