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Please Help Me... I need advice ASAP
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Please Help Me... I need advice ASAP

I am in a seriously committed relationship with the complete love of my life. Weve shared over 4 amazing years together. She is the best thing in the whole world and Ive always been the most perfect amazing person I could ever be for her and have always made her the happiest girl in the world. She is my soulmate and I want nothing more then to treat her like a queen until the day I die and grow old together with a beautiful family. I have always been a sweet loving person until i screwed up big time and Ive hated myself ever since. I have always been loyal and never cheated on anyone nor thought I even could. Awhile ago, i went with a few of my friends on a guys weekend and we ended up at a strip club. I never go to these places and went with the same group of guys to vegas for a fiends bachelor party a couple of years ago. In vegas we went to the strip club 2 nights in a row and I never let a stripper come near me. My friends all have long-term girlfriends but are the type of guys who routinely get lapdances from strippers and some even more, while i always looked down upon this and never partook in these kind of activities. However this time around, i was at the strip club and got solicited by one of the dancers to go for a lap dance in the private area of the club as all my friends were doing. I was drunk, felt a bit pressured by the girl but I made a stupid but conscious decision to, I have no one to blame but myself. This girl was gross and I honestly dont remember what she looks like. Right away when we got to the couches the girl grabbed my privates over my pants and asked what we were going to do. I said Im not interested in anything like that! She said will you at least stay for 2 dances. I said I couldnt as we were about to leave the club soon to go to the casino. So she said if you pay me for 2 dances Ill make this one alot better..implying that she would let me touch her and also touch me down there.
55 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
I honestly don't see anything major for her to break up with u... Maybe she will be upset but not to the point of leaving you... U know it was a mistake and just talk to her... The same thing happen to my bf and he told me a yet later. I was upset but got over it because I know the kind if guy he is.

I think I'm in a bigger problem than you.. You have a have a chance I don't :( go talk to her and be happy.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hey, if alcohol makes you do things you wouldn't ordinarily do, then I'd cut out the alcohol.  If my husband did this (or boyfriend)--- yeah.  I'd be ticked off.  It shows a lack of restraint.  You sound like you ordinarily have it so this was a mistake.  If alcohol is involved, well, don't let that become a habit.  

And unless you have sworn to secrecy all your friends and trust them, your girlfriend may find out.  My husband has gone to bachelor parties and while he starts off being quiet, he always spills the dirt.  I know which of his married friends have gotten lap dances.  Not too many thankfully.  but when there are witnesses, sometimes it is best to fess up if she asks. good luck
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4369516_tn?1354028998
You are not a horrible person. Many guys go through similar situations.  A lot is riding on what you do next... If you are honest and straightforward with your girlfriend she may be upset, but she will know deep down that she can trust you and that you feel remorse. If you go any longer without telling her and she someday finds out... She will think it was worse than it was and trust will go out the window. She may wonder why you didn't tell her and feel as if you had something to hide. Guys go to strip clubs sometimes. It does not make them monsters. However, lying and keeping things from your girlfriend is NOT OK. be honest and reassure her that she is the love of your life and that you learned your lesson. She should get over it. I know I would.
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Avatar_m_tn
I ran out of characters. What ended up transpiring was her grinding on me and eventually unzipping my pants and rubbing my privates with her hand for about 30 secs to a min. I felt myself about to climax and yanked her hand away but it was too late and i got off from the whole thing in my pants.  Ever since then I feel like I broke my soul. Ive never been so ashamed from something Ive done. I did something so out of character and I feel like an animal. I acted on pure instinct and dont know how I could have done something so sleazy and horrific and not even think of the consequences. I never thought I was capable of doing this, its one big nightmare. I had no reason to do it. I have the sexiest most beautiful girl by my side and a great sex life. I was totally wracked with guilt and shame and wanted to confess everything . I ended up waiting a couple of weeks and finally mustered up the courage to confess. I told her I got a lapdance and that the stripper got a lot closer then I wanted her to, but chickened out when looking at her to tell her the whole truth. About 3 weeks after that I told her there was more and that I let the stripper touch me under my pants. I chickened out again and that it was only for a few minutes and I got up. I feel like such a coward. All I want to do is take responsibility and face the consequences of what Ive done. Ive lied to her. Ive cheated her. Ive completely blindsided her with this and for what! I still havent told her the truth and I feel so sick inside. I dont know what to do from here. Several months have passed since my last "confession". She forgave me for what I have admitted, but it really was so much worse. I am having a hard time functioning and its on my mind 24/7. I love her to death. Im completely depressed. I never in a million years expected this of myself. I broke her trust for something so meaningless. I lost my innocence and heart that night. Not a soul knows any of this.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Bigmistake,  IMHO,  that wasn't as big a mistake as you're about to make.

I wouldn't tell her.  Just let it go.  Don't go back into a strip club,  and live happily ever after.


No one is going to find out about this if you don't tell them,  and this won't help anyone at all,  certainly not her,  and not you.

Let it go.
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Avatar_m_tn
can you read my follow up post and respond. theres alot more to the story. its below your post.
thanks, i appreciate the help
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Avatar_m_tn
You made a mistake but you feel remorse and I doubt you will ever do this again--love your woman because she is forever--you're just another John for that stripper and she couldn't give a rats a$$ about you.I wish you all the best.There was a heated Journal yesterday about men who cheat,etc and why they do it when they constantly say they love their wives/girlfriends so much--I guess we will never know the answer.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi, I read the rest of your post dear.  I guess silence could be golden here because in essence, you allowed a sex worker contact with you.  Yeah, I'd be pretty upset.  That is more than a lap dance.  

She'll probably break up with you for it as this makes you high risk for cheating.  


So, it is up to you if you want to admit to having a lap dance (witnesses?) but I too would leave out the other part if you can.  Because there is probably no excuse for it and she is going to think you cheated in a way.  

ugh.  I'd really not drink anymore.  good luck
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Avatar_m_tn
I would NEVER do something like this again (i would honestly rather die...a thousand times over) ...and i know she knows that. She has in essence an idea of what I let happen. I honestly wanted to be forthcoming. She knows i let her touch me inappropriately under my pants. Just not for how long. Im so ashamed. It makes no sense to me as to why I did it, other then got tempted in the heat of the moment and didnt restrain myself. I honestly had no intentions of anything of the sort happening when I went for that dance. Its just AWFUL and your right theres no excuse for it. Its just so sickening. I regret it with every inch of me.
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Avatar_f_tn
Forgive yourself.  And let it go.  Whether it was 10 seconds or ten minutes what difference does it make?  It's over.  It it makes u feel better confess the whole truth but the smart thing is probably just forget it. Let it go and forgive yourself.  Peace and love hobby
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973741_tn?1342346373
I think sometimes we make mistakes and they make us better people.  Yes, I'd be so very hurt and upset if my partner did this.  But on the plus side, you've now gone to the edge where you legitimately could lose your relationship for a stupid moment of losing control.  What is the lesson you now have?  Don't ever put yourself in that situation again as it isn't worth it.  Try to cut back on your drinking and avoid strip clubs.  

I do wish you luck.  You sound like a sincere and good person.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Stay out of strip clubs - if You've seen one, You've seen them all!!  

Stay away from alcohol - It messed with Your Integrity, Your Morals, Your Faithfulness, etc.

I too think You sound sincere but You have learned that alcohol and strip clubs don't work well together - actually, standing alone BOTH (alcohol AND strip clubs) can ruin relationships and nothing GOOD comes from either one anyway.

I vote You tell no more.  Your shame and Your regret is YOUR price to pay for what You did and hopefully will prevent You from EVER doing such again.  Your Lady should not have to pay a price for what You did - and She will, if You tell Her more.  This is Your burden and should not be Hers.


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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you to all who responded. I am very appreciative. I would welcome any more advice I could get.
At this point, I realize theres nothing I can do to change what I have done, but the betrayal is so deep. Ive never kept anything from her. The dishonesty is what is killing me now. I swore that was all that happened. I plan on getting engaged in the upcoming months but feel sick that I have this between us. Im really at a loss.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Hm.  You've really given full physical details here,  and I have to say,  that incident isn't the kind of thing that cuts women to the core.  The kind of betrayal here,  is kind of passive and also kind of ick,  and if your girlfriend knew the whole truth and read through this post it's not the kind of thing that would leave her wounded.   It's not erotic,  it wouldn't make her doubt her own allure,  it's just kind of icky and vulgar.

I still say don't tell her,  although this isn't the kind of thing that would cut a woman off at the knees.

And in the future,  don't go to any more strip clubs.  ;D
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey tinker....
I dont see it as a price paying game. Shes my soulmate. I want to be truly one with her. I let her down. I know it. I screwed up HUGE. But I made in my mind an equal if not greater mistake by being so cowardly in trying to own up to it and then minimizing the extent of the incident and swearing thats all it was. Not once but twice. I dragged my word through the mud through this whole process. I just want to make things right and love her forever and treat her like she deserves. I have done that up to these mistakes i have made, and want to return and be the person i always was. Honest, loving, and loyal. I trust myself to never stray ever again. Ive never even flirted with another person. This whole thing is sickening.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, take this as a valuable lesson.  Priceless lesson.  Since she is willing to stay with you and work through this----  fall on your sword when you need to but move onto a relationship in which you are both more 'aware'.  And counseling is always there if you need someone to be in the middle to help you through rough patches.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
You totally misunderstood if You think I see this as a "price paying game"
NOT A GAME - A BURDEN - a BURDEN that You "deserve" to carry and She does not!!  You EARNED the guilt.

I agree this whole thing is sickening!!

but what's done is done and most of us feel You would hurt Her further by telling Her more.  You say You want to "return" to being Honest, Loyal, and Loving - well, You can't "return" to that by telling Her that You were DIS-Honest and DIS-Loyal.

Guilt is the price YOU pay for not hurting Her FURTHER - Man Up and carry Your guilt.  Telling Her does not/will not make HER feel better.
You would be hurting Her in order to make YourSelf feel better??!!

I simply think You would be making a bad thing worse


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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for your response. I know only hurt can come from further confession. But I havent been able to heal from this. Its always on my mind and its pretty much several months after the fact. Things are great right now, it was really only dealt with over the course of 2 days and things are as normal. She is so happy with me, but I feel like I lost myself through this whole thing. I dont feel as loving and feel like i dont deserve to be loved like she loves me. I just want to bury this as it was so meaningless, but its ruined me. I dont love myself. I need to love myself to truly give her all my love. Ive cried to myself pretty much every night. I just want to be honest with her. I know its in the past, but the ongoing dishonesty is eating at me.
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Avatar_f_tn
Well then, go ahead and tell Her so She can appreciate Your Honesty and Loyalty.  Is that Your hope?

Excuse my bluntness, but it seems You are more concerned with how YOU feel than how She is going to feel when She knows more of the "event"

Personally, I care less for Your feelings than I do Hers, but bottom line is, You get to ultimately decide whether to tell Her not, irregardless of what anyone here thinks.

Good Luck.  I hope it turns out well for You (Her).
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Avatar_m_tn
I just dont know how to forgive myself. I think thats the problem. I dont want to hurt her, and is why I havent said anything for months since then. I just cant let it go in my mind.
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480448_tn?1397235344
I agree with tink.  I think there are more self serving reasons behind your need to share the intimate details with her.  There is really no need to do that.  YOU need to find a way to move on.  Like already suggested, get some professional help if you have to...but I don't agree with making her feel worse to unburden yourself.  Sorry, but that's being selfish.

She pretty much knows the deal, and I'm sure she probably already has a pretty good idea of what exactly happened.  She is moving on, and has forgiven you,  You need to thank your lucky stars above she is willing to do that, learn from your mistake, and move on.

Telling her the gruesome details isn't necessary.  You can find other ways to unburden yourself.  Like tink said...time to "man up".  If that means having to shoulder some uncomfortable guilt by withholding disgusting details that will only hurt her all over again, I think that's a fine start.
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Avatar_f_tn
Sounds like u think her forgiveness will free u, but may create a new set of problems.  Guilt is a feeling like love or hate it can pass if u let it.  Quit obsessing over the past.  U can't fix it from hear.  Guilt feels like its going to swallow h alive but it won't and it doesn't.   It will pass.  It will get better.  Take it from me the queen of guilt sometimes u just have to find a way to live with the fact we are imperfect people.  We fall we get back up and we try again.  The best gift u can give her is to be better today then u were yesterday.  Focus on her and what she needs and live in the NOW.  Don't waste her happiness on ur guilt.   Move on.  Go to confession if u really want to confess to somebody.  Or go have a drink and confess to the guy next to u.  Just my thoughts.  Sorry if I'm too direct.  Find ur peace.  U got all the answers.  Peace and lov hobby
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Avatar_f_tn
Here.  Not hear typo.  Stupid iphone
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Avatar_f_tn
You made a mistake but just tell her and don't do it again:) if she loves you she will forgive you and you resisted the girl so you still held true to her
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks to everyone that has responded. I am really struggling with this. I recently saw a psychologist but I cant shake the shame and guilt and anger I have for what Ive done.   Ive feel like Ive ruined my life and am on the verge of a mental breakdown. I cant believe how disrespectful my actions were/are. I am not that person.  I am truly in shock with myself. I cant believe the disrespect I have done to my relationship, the one thing Ive always held true to. Ive always been the most respectful loyal honest person, really a perfect boyfriend. I love her to death.This is so beyond me, I am having a really hard time coping with this. I cant believe how low this is. Ive never even had a lapdance before this, and then I essentially get a ***n handjob from a stranger who I wasnt even attracted to (this stripper was honestly disgusting, fat, not good looking, and honestly didnt even enjoy what happened, it actually hurt more then it felt good, and the whole time it was happening I was thinking what am I doing? This is awful! I can do this better myself....I should stop this.....but continued to LET THIS HAPPEN and I got off from the whole thing but barely and it didnt feel good. Now I feel that the lies I have told are just as disrespectful if not moreso then the act itself. I feel like such a worthless piece of crap after being the most amazing person I could ever be. This is the most out of character action/s I have ever done, I am so distraught, I cry throughout every day and its crippling me. Please, should I tell her the whole truth? Will it help? Whats more disrespectful, telling her and potentially ruining everything and breaking her heart or letting her know what Ive done and that I was dishonest again even tho I swore on my life. Im truly a broken person right now...I have a sick feeling in my chest all the time, I dont think I can live like this. I feel like I won the **** lottery, Had the stripper said would you like a handjob I would have never accepted. She said if you pay me double Ill touch you and let you touch me, and I was naive to think it would be so innocent. It progressed to a full handjob from there. Please help me
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Avatar_m_tn
This was really a 1 in a million type of deal, I would never succumb to tempatation of any sort ever again in my life. I have learned alot about how disgusting infidelity is and would never have an affair or do anything physical, emotional with anyone else. I am 100% committed to her and always have been until this. I see this as a huge breach in faithfulness. I really had no intention of this happening. I went into the strip club with no intention of getting a lapdance, Ive been a number of times and never have let a stripper near me. This is against everything I hold true, my values, my morals, my integrity. I am too soft to deal with this. I am completely devastated but what I have done.
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184674_tn?1360864093
I'm curious, you stated you recently saw a psychologist to address this. Did you just have one appointment with the psychologist, or a few, or have you been seeing one regularly and are still in therapy?

I find it concerning the way you are personally trying to deal with this and not making any successful progress to overcome it yet.
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Avatar_m_tn
It was one 2 hour appointment, but I think I need to go back. This is now 8 months from the event. I think I feel this way because of how much I love her and how much disrespect I have caused. Shes my soulmate.  Im just so disgusted with myself. Im baffled as to how I did this and that Im dealing with this.  I honestly have not been able to answer WHY I did this to myself. I feel so weak. Like the biggest fool in the world. Ive never been unfaithful in my 27 years of life and the fact that ive become this lying cheating ******* overnight hasnt sunk in too well. I dont think id feel much worse then I do now if I had done something more like have sex with her at the time. I was unfaithful, I sat there when I knew it was wrong and my bare penis was being stroked by some disgusting strippers hand. Theres no excusing it. I worry if I will ever respect myself again, if Ill ever be able to rid this shame and disgust and disappointment I have. I am trying to be the best person I can be to her everyday, I just feel like no matter what I do I wont be giving her the respect she deserves bc of what ive done and what Im keeping from her. In addition to all this, I had also smoked intermittently due to my constant level of stress but realized this was making me even more depressed so Ive stopped for over a month now. Something I quit for her over 3 years ago. This also has caused me guilt and shame. So now there are really 3 more offenses that stemmed from the first. 1) handjob 2) lie #1 - stripper got too close to me/i got a lapdance 3) lie #2 - i let the stripper unzip my pants and touch me for 10 seconds but then freaked out and got up  4)smoking behind her back. Ive really compounded my problems. Any thoughts on what I should do? All I want to do is RESPECT, LOVE, HONOUR and CHERISH her till the day I die.
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184674_tn?1360864093
Yes, I'd highly recommend you get yourself regular appointments for an extended duration of time over a few months or so to help yourself get through this. The fact that you feel guilt and shame over what you did is normal, healthy and good in that you learned from it and know not to do it again. But you've stumbled completely and can't seem to pick yourself up and move forward and allow yourself to heal. You're bottling all this up and feel so compelled to dump it on your girlfriend to relieve yourself, but you're conflicted in doing that too--and rightfully so, as she really has no further need to take on your pain, shame, and guilt beyond what she has and has already forgiven it of you. No reason to open that wound for her again because you aren't allowing yourself to heal.
You really need to seek further and more consistent help to overcome this, as it is a personal issue that you are allowing to destroy both your quality of life AND your relationship. You can move past this and heal--you just need the right guidance and you don't have that right now.
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Avatar_f_tn

You are wrong to think telling Her would "change" anything.  IT WON'T!!Telling Her does not "change" what You did - You did the "deed" whether She knows or not.  Telling Her will not ease Your guilt - it will not "disappear" - what You did remains a DEED of FACT, EVEN IF You "confess"!!  AND it's reasonable for You to feel guilty, I am glad that You do, as only good people feel guilty when they do something wrong.  So, guilt can be a good thing - it likely means You will NEVER do such again.   Her knowing will not make it go away but will blow Her faith in You and that will be PAINFUL to Her.  This I know is true.
I repeat:  It's YOUR burden and YOU should carry it!!  Re-commit to YOURSELF never do such a thing again and spare Her!!

I agree with APH84 that You need more therapy to get YourSelf through this.
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Avatar_m_tn
I just dont know what to do. Im feel like im lying to her everyday. I am so ashamed of what I did, there was a clear lack of restraint. But the fact that I lied hurts more then the act. I wish I just told her everything at once. I dont like the idea of keeping a secret from her for the rest of my life. Its very uncomfortable and I feel the major proponent in whats hindering my ability to let this go. Another major component hindering my healing is that I cant wrap my head around the fact how I could be so foolish to throw away my purity and the innocence of my perfect relationship for some cheap hand stimulation from some stripper who was much less attractive then my girlfriend and for something so completely unnecessary and useless.

I agree shes dealt with this enough, and I am so thankful that I was forgiven for what I admitted. But in my heart I feel like a told her nothing but a bunch of lies and have not been truly forgiven. I was tested and failed miserably. She doesn't deserve this deceit. I know the one thing she values most is honesty. I am in such emotional pain. I cant explain how remorselful I am, I dont know how I could let this happen or how I was in a position to let that happen. I never go for lapdances EVER! Its so low and the thought of it sickens me. I feel so weak and ashamed of myself. Everyday I think how hurt she would be if she knew what I truly let happen that night.
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184674_tn?1360864093
Here is my best and final advice to you:
Please get into regular, consistent therapy sessions to begin working through this problem for your own sake of beginning the healing process. Once you've had X number of sessions with the therapist by yourself discussing all of this, let the therapist determine whether or not it will benefit you, your quality of life, your girlfriend, and your relationship together if you were to tell her all the details.
Do not proceed with telling your girlfriend anything until you do this for yourself first. You are falling apart and it's over something completely human of anyone to do. You made a mistake, a lapse in judgement, you felt guilt and shame and tried to hide it. This is HUMAN of you--every person capable of thought and action does these things throughout their lifetime, again and again. Sometimes what happens is more serious and has worse consequences than other occurances, but in the end, a mistake is a mistake, and you owe it to yourself to be able to learn from it and move forward. You are not moving forward, and you are suffering greatly and in that, you are further increasing your risks of bad judgement calls and mistakes as you become physically sickly, sleep deprived, smoking, losing your appetite, and whatever else. This will ultimately affect your relationship in the end anyway if you don't get help now.
You NEED to get past this, and since you are having so much trouble doing it on your own, get help, seek the guidance of someone who is professionally trained in working with relationship counseling AND individual counseling. Spend a few sessions in individual counseling, and go from there according to the guidance of the therapist.
At this point, I really think you owe this to yourself moreso than your relationship.
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with AHP84 in Her last advice to You (except, I disagree that what You did is a "completely human" thing to do, and that it was as "simple" as a "lapse of judgement").  BUT, I DO AGREE that You need  more therapy.  I would point out (again!!) that if You have been unable to "forgive" YourSelf, then You must realize She may not be able to "forgive" You either - so - work through this and spare Her!!  If You cannot live with what You have done, then leave Her, BUT DON'T TELL HER WHAT YOU DID.  She really, really does not need to know that about You!!

You've had good advice here but You still seem BENT on telling Her and I simply don't know how many ways You need to keep being told this is not a good idea!!  

WE ARE ALL REPEATING OURSELVES!!

That being said, I'm done!!
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184674_tn?1360864093
I didn't say "it was as 'simple' as a 'lapse of judgement,'" just to clarify, lol.

And what I meant with the "completely human" statement was just that...it is a typical and expected thing of human behavior in everyone to face times of judgement lapses and making mistakes. The severity of the mistake carries its own severity of consequences.
However, the best way to handle any mistake is accept the consequences for what they are, learn from it, repent and seek forgiveness where it is due (including one's own self), and move forward as a more mature, experienced, learned person from it. This is where bigmistake2222 has let himself fall short.
I really felt the need to clarify that, because in no way am I saying that infidelity, promiscuity, and dishonesty (or any other sin) is excused because mistakes are expected in human behavior. Everyone is capable of acting on the worst behaviors and having judgemental lapses. No one is immune from that. But when sin happens, pain and suffering results on some level, and in order to move forward with life, that pain and suffering needs a way to recover and hopefully heal.
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Avatar_f_tn
I get what You are saying - and I appreciate Your articulation in saying it.
Regards,
Tink
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks Tink. I do see where you are coming from. And I think your right in that her knowing that about me will only do harm. Its a personal issue now, These feelings I have are just so prominent so strong, they are persistent throughout everyday 24/7. I am so incredibly ashamed of myself on so many levels. I am so much better then this. It would be such a shame to ruin this amazing relationship off this one stupid unnecessary event that would have felt better had I done it myself or had my gf done it. I cant believe that the first time I was ever unfaithful was for this disgusting (honestly gross, not attractive - why im also at a loss) strippers cheap offer for hand stimulation (for HAND! HANDDD!! oh my god).  I just am having a hard time still accepting what Ive done. Its literally the complete opposite of the spectrum of the person I am and have always been. I just feel like I reached the point of no return in what I have said, and I am uncomfortable with what I had said compared to what I let happen. This was the definition of an isolated event, I just cant believe how weak I was at that moment. I cant believe I did that. I just wish I had never lied. I should have said it all or nothing at all, and now I have a constant feeling shame guilt and disgust all the time that I lied to her face and did this behind her back. I love her to death and I need her more then anything. This whole thing makes no sense to me. How could I be so stupid. It was the most unsatisfying unnecessary experience of my life, and a minute long and its managed to ruin me and if I was single and saw that girl at a bar I wouldnt approach her. She was honestly gross, Im dumfounded. I think I am clinically depressed. I never lie, I understand tht my lies are just a result of the level of shame i feel for what I have done, and i wasnt trying to intentionally deceive her, I lied before I even thought about lying in my confession. I wish I ripped the bandaid off in one swoop.
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480448_tn?1397235344
I agree with the advice you have received.

You need to work with the therapist to learn how to stop the drama.  You are catastrophizing this, and while it is definitely not a thing to be proud of, you've blown it WAY out of proportion. She DOES know, and give her more credit, she probably already knows there is more to the story.

You using such big dramatic words, and talking about this like it's the end of the world is only fueling your anxiety over this.  Stay in therapy and figure out how to move past this.  If at some point, after a lot of therapy, you and the therapist agree that you should tell her, that's fine.  Right now, you're in no shape to make that decision, as you're basing it completely on guilt abnd regret, that's NOT a good reason to tell your GF.  That's actually very selfish.

Please get yourself some help.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks for your comment. I am just so completely disgusted with myself. I acted like an animal, like a completely different person that night. I didnt even know I had that in me. Its just that Ive never cheated in my life... and then I go and cheat on the complete love of my life who I love with every part of me for this unattractive strippers cheap hand stimulation. She is my whole world. I am so ashamed and this whole thing makes no sense. Its completely out of left field. Im just so disgusted that I 1 I did this and 2 I lied to her twice. The whole thing was so unnecessary and I just cant believe what Ive done to my once perfect life. Therapy is expensive and I cant afford the number of sessions you are recommending. In the sessions I did have he did mention catastrophizing, I am just having a hard time explaining why or how I could do this. I am so hurt by what Ive done and I know I dont deserve any sympathy because I did this to myself, and FOR NOTHING, I just feel like a different person, and feel like Im lying to her everytime I look her in the eye, and that I dont deserve her anymore. This is so far from the person I am. I know that all I want to do is be the best person I can be to her everyday and love her and always be respectful, but I have been in such a dark place mentally for so long. Im just worried Im going to self destruct and spill everything and ruin my life.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey man.  Perhaps you should send me a PM.  I've been in similar shoes and maybe I can offer some help.
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3147776_tn?1349200103
Very thoughtful offer, and I hope the OP takes you up on it.  This whole situation makes me sad, and I hope "bigmistake" can find a way to deal with the feelings of guilt.
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Avatar_m_tn
I dont know what to do. I cant believe my actions. I dont think I can live with this secret my whole life. I feel like I can not accept her love, and want to be truly forgiven (and I recognize that that may not be possible and the consequences of which could be life shattering for both of us), but I think what Ive done is incredibly disrespectful and the ongoing dishonesty is a slap in the face, like I dont respect her. Every time I get told how much she loves me and how perfect I am I feel like thats now based on a LIE (that I showed resistance and got up during this whole event that I let transpire). Which it is. Shes told me that you are perfect and made one stupid mistake and youve learned to never do it again (but she doesnt know the full extent and lack of restraint bc I lied and said it was 10 seconds, i know she has her doubts that more happened bc I also told her I got tested for STDs from this event (negative results) when I confessed). I love her to death, I cant picture my life for a second without her. Im completely broken, and traumatized. But Ive treated her so unfairly and like a fool. Im so disgusted with myself. I cant believe how far Ive fallen and how much of an sleazbag I can be.

I realize that I did not actively pursue this kind of contact. I thought I was going to go for a normal lapdance (which Ive never done until now in my relationship) I put myself in a position where I should have never been. I was initially offered extras and rejected. I got lowballed and agreed to get "touched" under my boxers. I was naive to think that it would be a gentle pet or 2 (i didnt think I was consenting to a full out handjob, I agree that this is wrong in itself, and cheating but I didnt realize what I was getting myself into)  I was tested and failed to stop it. Ive been miserable ever since and have grown to hate myself for these actions.  I dont think I can enter a marriage with a secret like this but I the only thing I want to do in this life is marry her and grow old together but Im so afraid of the fact that I could have ruined a perfect marriage for some sickening hand stimulation which was completely useless. I think I have to tell her. She knows me and knows when something is bothering me, Its been 8 months and I am completely guilt ridden in my every action. What would you do in my situation?
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480448_tn?1397235344
Have you taken ANY of the suggestions that were offered?  Have you sought any help?  You're just spinning in circles.  I wouldn't tell her a thing until you get yourself into some therapy and get into a different mindset.  You can weigh the options with a therapist.

That's really the best option right now...because you continue to stay in crisis mode, and that's not good.
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Avatar_m_tn
I saw a new therapist today. A woman who was very helpful. She said from what I know of you, you sound like a person who values honesty. And whats killing me and eating me is that im not living with integrity. Im not the person I want to be. Im not acting according to my beliefs and values, and that im in a position that im damned if i do tell and damned if i dont tell her. Im not a dishonest person. If i dont tell her, i will always be hiding and never let myself be loved for all that i am. I will not be able to be 100% intimate and the partner i need to be and that will cause its own problems. I will also not be respecting her and be building this relationship moving forward on a broken foundation. I think i need to be held accountable here. I need to show my failure. I recognize the travesty that it is and have learned so much that this is the last place i ever want to be in my life. Ive failed on 3 deal breakers, faithfulness, dishonesty and smoking. I cant be one with her if im not 100% transparent. I cant live with a secret or enter into a marriage with a secret of this kind.  I dont think this is something i can personally hide for the next 70 years even though its dealt with and in the past never to be done again and meant absolutely nothing. I am a very emotional person, and I cant hide the pain i have in my heart. I know that shes dealt with this enough, but this is eating me up, and i know the consequences may work out horribly and what I fear most is that im being too overly dramatic and fear the unknown aftermath of this and that she may never look at me the same way. But its been 8 months and the option of concealment may not be the best for me afterall. I agree with nursegirl that she does know alot and probably already knows theres more to it. But she deserves to hear it from me. I am so angry at myself for this and am so incredibly ashamed. Im going to take a few days to decide what i need to tell her and how to do it but i think im out of options. I am so saddened by the damage and pain i have caused and may still cause by this. I wish I was one of those people who were able to not let their conscience tear them apart, but im a sensitive fool who doesnt want to live with a lie between himself and partner forever
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Avatar_f_tn
OMGolly!!
I think You should just tell Her and get this over with!!  

I simply do NOT understand Your philosophy here.  It's seems You think the WORST thing You've done is to not tell Her what You have done!!

You're making Your "lie" the worst part of what You did.  I DISAGREE!!  Personally, I think what You did is MUCH worse than keeping it to YourSelf - You are MUCH more concerned about what this is doing to You than what it will do to Her.  You are obsessing over the "lie".

That being said, I've changed my mind completely. I think You should go ahead and tell Her - and I hope She makes the best choice for Her future!!  

I won't tell You what I think She should do (I don't want to be accused of being rude) - BUT I would wish that She could read everything written here!! There are HUGE clues about how You perceive YourSelf that She needs to be aware of.
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Avatar_m_tn
she told me when i was confessing that i dont care if you had sex with her, i deserve to know what happened, and i still couldnt bring myself to say what i did. She was more concerned with the dishonesty which is where that stems from and why i think so badly of the lie. Wouldnt you want to know tink? you honestly wouldnt? I agree maybe this is the price i should pay. I agree that this is my burden, but this burden will affect us negatively whether i say it or not is my point
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Avatar_f_tn
The simple answer to Your question is - Yes, I would want to know if I had been cheated on and deceived - I think most people would say that.

BUT

I also think most people would agree that the truth is going to bring Her HUGE pain -  and that Your reasons for telling Her the truth have been all about setting YOU free, so to speak.  

That being said, personally, I have become MORE concerned with how You obsess.  You probably won't cheat again - but I think there could be problems ahead dealing with obsessiveness....... over.....who knows what??

anyway....Good Luck.  I hope You Will Let Us Know How This Turns Out.  I Would Be Most Happy To Know That WE Have All Been Wrong and That YOU Were Right All Along.  I Mean That Sincerely.
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Avatar_m_tn
I am honestly so incredibly torn. I feel like such a fool. I have been weighing the pros and cons of full disclosure for a while....and really this can have much worse of an outcome than i can possibly ever expect. I think im being so obsessive over this is bc its the worst thing ive ever done. Ive never cheated, never planned to, never wanted to. If i truly wanted to i would have approached a stripper and said how much for a handjob or *******. I didnt actively pursue this. Thats where im scared she might take it the wrong way, and even though i ended up letting this happen and ejaculating, this was not an enjoyable experience. and i really truly mean that, it was awful. Thats another thing that may make this whole thing sound so much worse and my intent Theres no logical explanation to this. It was a moment of pure insanity. Its insane. I put myself in a compromised state in a position where i was taken advantage of and did something i would never have done in my right mind. The stripper knew how to get me to fall down that slope. I fell. I failed. But I know this was a freak of nature event never to be repeated in anyway shape or form ever again. Ive been trying to justify that I said enough but really it was so bad. I had so many opportunities to stop what happened. I can admit that there are self serving reasons to tell the truth, but there were also self serving reasons to lie. In both cases the lie one can argue, spared her the pain, but on the other hand deprived her of the truth. The confession will unload this burden on my chest, will completely devastate her but there will be no lies and only truth. This is the biggest decision of my life. oh my god. im so scared of the potential fallout.
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480448_tn?1397235344
Here's what I don't understand.  I could SEE if you hadn't told her a thing...THEN I could see that you would feel that way, but you told her pretty much almost everything.  And like I said initially, I think you're selling her short by thinking she doesn't have an idea that probably a little more happened anyway.  You "came clean" to her a few times after the initial reveal, adding more details.  I'm sure she is smart enough to realize that you may be holding a few details back to spare her.

So, to clarify...what EXACTLY is it that you didn't tell her, because I can't recall anymore?  You told her most everything..what did you leave out?  And, here's how I see it...you already told her you did something inappropriate...I just cannot see how telling her the gory details is going to help, except for like I originally said..to undburden YOURSELF, which is very selfish IMO.  She's dealt with it, forgave you and moved on...you telling her more is going to rip those wounds wide open...and probably make her question you even more than you DO deserve to be questioned.  I think that's cruel, personally.

I'm sure you ARE a man who values honesty, but from reading your posts, I don't think this is at ALL about that...it's more about guilt and regret that's eating you up more than anything.  I say that because you say the same things over, how the girl was fat and ugly, blah blah....that's regret over what you did.  You DO talk about not being fully honest, but the VAST majority of your posts involve revisiting the encounter, and how you can't believe you did that....THAT is guilt, my friend..not turmoil over leaving a couple of pornographic details out.  You know?

It's up to you, dear.  After all this turmoil and thinking, and worrying...if you feel you have to tell her, then tell her, but be prepared for the consequences.  She was forgiving initially...the way you're acting, she just may think that you did more than you did....due to how devastated you're acting.  I think "coming clean" for the RIGHT reasons is always the best policy...but I don't think your reasons are the right ones, in my opinion.  I think you want to tell her to unburden yourself, not because the truth is so important.  If anything, causing yourself some stress and anxiety by withholding sharing intimate details actually would be you taking one for the team, to spare your wife anymore unnecessary hurt.  If you were talking about how you told her you kissed a girl, when you really had sex with her..I would probably feel differently, but you're  splitting hairs over incidental details.

Decision is yours, and you have to do what you think is right.  I still say that working with a therapist for a while (more than two sessions) would be wise...to help you work through this and get some perspective on the whole situation...rather than making a decision based on these heavy emotions.  Making big decisions based on emotions versus facts and reality is NEVER good, in any aspect of life.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.
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480448_tn?1397235344
I went back and read YOUR OWN words about what exactly you didn't come clean about.  Here is a quote from you:

"I would NEVER do something like this again (i would honestly rather die...a thousand times over) ...and i know she knows that. She has in essence an idea of what I let happen. I honestly wanted to be forthcoming. She knows i let her touch me inappropriately under my pants. Just not for how long"

THAT is the most logical, sensible thing you said in this entire thread.  HERE are the facts....you ARE indeed splitting hairs over VERY insignificant details.  TRUST me when I say that your wife is NOT interested in hearing "how long" you were touched.  It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

"She has in essence an idea of what I let happen."  EXACTLY.  You know this.  Giver her more credit.  She's not dumb..I'm SURE she realizes you didn't share every gruesome detail, which is actually a KIND thing to do, as a husband who has hurt his wife.

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480448_tn?1397235344
One last thing....go back and reread ALL of your posts, a few times.  I just did that, and there's one and one thing ONLY that is the same theme, over and over and over.  GUILT.  99% of what you say talks about how YOU feel, how you've ruined YOURSELF...look at it....it's ALL about YOU.  That's guilt and regret.  

Just like I initially said, you are MUCH less concerned about what SHE feels, and MUCH more concerned about how YOU Feel...that's all you're focused on.  That has nothing to do with a need to be honest in any way, shape or form...that's wanting to unburden yourself because of the guilt...end of story.  It's as clear as day in your words, but you've convinced yourself that this is about the need to be honest.  You already WERE honest.  

You said yourself she has moved on, and has been happy and normal.  I would STRONGLY suggest you dig DEEP and find a way to do the same thing...or else you're going to ruin this marriage...because you can't find a way to move on.  SHE was the one that was hurt...and she found a way...you need to do the same.

You really do need to keep up with therapy.  Guilt is a normal thing in a situation like this..but you've taken it to an extreme.  I hope you can see the situation as I (and others) can see it...and find a way to move on WITHOUT breaking her heart all over again.  The really  sad part of this is (if you tell her more info)...YOU will feel better, but she will feel worse, and even if she does forgive you again, you're stomping on any chance you have to regain her trust, because most likely, she's going to assume there is still more to the story...because your emotions don't make sense in the context of what you've withheld.

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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you. I havent done anything yet. Trust, I am trying really hard to justify what i said is enough. But I am so hurt that i did this and that ive lied to her. How can I let myself accept her love. Thats where im hurting most. I feel so unworthy and undeserving. I feel so sick that i swore on everything and that i had to lie and hide the ugliness of the truth. I am traumatized by what ive done, its against everything I am and stand for. This whole thing has made me so depressed. Its like i betrayed everything that matters for something so insignificant, useless, unnecessary and unenjoyable. I feel so broken. Weak. Like the biggest fool in the world. Im so angry at myself. Its like someone saying go kill your family and ill give you ten cents and you go do it. I wanted to be forthcoming about this. I wanted to tell her everything. But as I was confessing, i saw the loss of my reputation, the one I earned through genuine love, but out of complete shame I swore thats all that happened 10 seconds of touching and that i was a big man and got up. It makes it seem so insignificant. I feel that the truth is so much worse. I want to write it off as a white lie. But, the incidental details are not so incidental, but i am trying to convince myself that they are insignificant. However, they really downplay the magnitude of what happened, it downplays my involvement and the lack of restraint I showed. She said after everything that the only thing that bothered her was that i was dishonest. Thats what hurts. It hurts to look into her eye and accept all her amazing love knowing that im hiding something so sick. I dont know but ive become this dramatic emotional wreck.  And after all that, I turned to smoking when id feel a storm of guilt, that is something so deliberate and repeated that was a huge breach of trust as well, that she may find more betraying than all the rest, but i stopped for months now as i know how unneeded they are and that they were only compounding my issues, so thats a step forward. But that added and still is adding to my depressed state. Im so guilty, your right. I feel so far from myself. From the person I always was. I feel so distanced from her and have not been acting like myself, like i dont deserve to hold her, be intimate. Shes noticing that. Thats why i feel that i need to set the truth free. But its sad and your nailed it that my biggest fear is that she will not believe me, and could be questioned for doing something worse and that there could be more things and what not. I am just so mentally screwed up from this. Ive lost my self, my soul, my mojo so to speak. I broke my biggest commitment of my life. FML. I cant believe how broken i feel. I need to climb out of this hole, but the therapist feels that i need to figure out what i need to say to get back some integrity. And that if i dont say anything i wont be able to be intimate with her and it will cause problems. She feels that i want to be more honest. That the only way out for me is the truth. But that the consequences could be devastating and your gambling, and got accept how the chips fall.

Thanks for the messages nursegirl
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480448_tn?1397235344
However, they really downplay the magnitude of what happened, it downplays my involvement and the lack of restraint I showed.

I understand that...that makes perfect sense, and I agree you did that.

She said after everything that the only thing that bothered her was that i was dishonest.

I'm sure that's the part that hurts the most, the betrayal, sure.  But, it's detrayal whether or not she thinks things went down like you told her...or whether it was a little bit worse.

It hurts to look into her eye and accept all her amazing love knowing that im hiding something so sick.

That's where the breadown is I think (IMO).  I don't think you're really hiding anything so big.  You minimized the story and left out a few small details, which you have to understand, is COMPLETEY human nature!  Anyone would struggle with being completely honest in that kind of situation.  I just think YOU are making way more out of the parts you left out than is necessary.  You talk as though your murdered your wife or something.  I just think the reaction is SO extreme considering the facts.

I am just so mentally screwed up from this. Ive lost my self, my soul, my mojo so to speak

Which is why you need to continue with a therapist.  Hey, you MAY need to tell her so that you're able to move on and start healing, I just think that with some time, and some work on your part, you can do that without having to tell her anymore details.  You need to find a place of forgiveness and acceptance for yourself...and that's where the therapist can help you.

Let us know how it's going...I wish you peace.  I sincerely hope you can forgive yourself, and move on...your wife deserves you to be at your best.  YOU deserve that as well.  While of course I don't in any way condone what you did...I don't think it's the end of the world...people do things like this every day...people make mistakes.  You COULD be the guy who does it all the time without caring a bit.  You messed up, you're very remorseful and genuine.  I honestly have no doubt you'd never do something like this again.  So...be a little kinder to yourself..you're not some monster.  Honestly.


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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks for your reply. I know I am not some monster and thanks for that. I know that I am genuinely sorry and that I could never be stupid enough to do this again or anything in that department. But Ive acted so far from who I am and for what? It just makes no sense that I could do something like that. I can be honest and say I was truly naiive. I didnt know what I was in for. But I made a choice. A very thoughtless decision to stay put. I would have bet my life a million times over that I would never do something like this. What i did is so out there. Its so shocking to me because of how opposite it is from everything I am and have always been. Its such a freak situation. Its so appalling to me. Its like it was meant to happen bc in no way in the right mind could i do this. As you can see this has really rattled me, and ive made poor judgment calls ever since. Swearing on my word killed me. and I stuck to it. Your right in that the breakdown is that I feel like ive told her nothing. I may be letting my emotions get the better of me and maybe Im not giving her enough credit. But lying hurts and I dont know what she thinks happened but she hasnt pried at it once since. This is a nightmare really. Im not well equipped to deal with this. It really is beyond me. Im one of the soft lovey dovey emotional kind of guys, not some cheating *******.  Its like this evil person took control of my body for 3 minutes and im left with the chaos from what happened. Im learning to accept it. But i cant shake this sickening feeling i have all the time. Its truly crippling. And your right it is selfish to unburden myself. Its such a shame this happened. I was so happy with my life. I obviously took my life for granted. This has shaken the **** out of me.
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree this is something You deserve to feel guilty about BUT his is more than "guilt".

This has become an OBSESSION!!

You want to convince all of us how "bad" You are for what You did and how "good" You are cuz You want to confess - over and over and over and over again!!

I've come to feel this Girl needs to know how You obsess, as Your obsession is likely to take control again "someday" over "something" - so I still think You should go ahead and tell Her, just get it over with for Pete's sake!!

Your obsession about this is probably interfering with Your Relationship with Her anyway and She might as well know why.

This incident occured SEVERAL months ago.  It's been hashed over 53 times here for more than a MONTH and You remain in the same place You started with.......

I've Grown Weary And I'm Done.

Good Luck With Whatever It Is You Ultimately Decide To Do




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Avatar_m_tn
Tink,

I can see how much like a mental case Ive been. I do want to thank you for your opinions and input throughout this whole thread, just so you know it is appreciated and valued. I have never obsessed about anything in my life. This cut me right through the core. The one thing I was so sure I could never betray was my fidelility and her trust. The biggest pride in my life is how secure and happy I am with her. How happy I make her, and her love is everything to me. The motivation to my life. I love her so much. I would die for her without thinking twice. Ive always said Im a billionare, bc I wouldnt trade her for anything. And then I do this. It really shook me. Its really sad how crazy Im going, but Im so ashamed of everything and pretty traumatized by everything thats happened and feel that my whole world is on the line.

Can you give me an honest answer please on the following, it would be appreciated and trust me when I say I want to put this whole thing to bed ASAP. Its gone on far too long. Do you think I conveyed the general nature of the wrong to her? Did I convey that a sexual misconduct occured --> Furthermore one in proportion to what transpired? Did I let her make an informed decision (I told her I got tested for STDs too - which is why I fear further confession could get me doubted for something worse then I let happen - I swore that it was only hand contact which is the truth)? These are things I would appreciate your honest opinion on. I know she knows that this was a complete one-time mistake, that nothing has happened other then this and that she trusts me that it never will. She knows how genuinely hurt and sorry I am for having done this and that I will never do it again. That I put myself in a bad situation and let it get away from me. She loves me so much and I promise to not take her for granted ever. She is everything.
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