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Please help me save my relationship!
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Please help me save my relationship!

My girlfriend and I work together and are currently deployed over seas. Our relationship was going amazingly well for 8 months. She was the first person to say I love you. We talked about plans to live together for when we get back from deployment and spent a lot of time together. Then we deployed. She left about a month and a half before I did. We talked to each other on skype when we could. communication started to slow down a few weeks before I left. she got moved to a different section and was working different hours and more hours with different people. now she says it was my fault that 3 or 4 days would go by without me saying something. I told her that she was working so much and i wasn't doing anything, I thought it was easier if she called me. now I see i was probably wrong and I should have made more of an effort. Once I deploy and get here I see that she has changed a lot. She doesn't seem as warm and has distanced herself from me. I also find out that she likes the people that she is working with now exponentially more than the people  we worked with before. This has caused me great anxiety and i think i'm getting depressed. I keep thinking that she has cheated on me or that shes developed feelings for someone else. cheating would be hard out here since sex is illegal in a deployed environment.  She has since moved back to my shift, but she hasn't changed. I have talked to her about it a few times and she says she still loves me but feels more independent than before, and more like she was before,and that she likes that. She wants to be able to hang out with people without me having to be there and to not be jealous. I think that sounds fine but I can't seem to break my anxiety that something is wrong and shes distancing herself because she wants to eventually break up. she has said that she doesn't, but she doesn't think its fair to me if i need a more dependent person in a relationship. My fear of losing her has made me annoying and is getting on her nerves. its all i can think about and she is getting exhausted doing all the deployed things and then having to worry about me. she said we just need to have fun when we are together and get through the deployment, but i still feel like i need to fix something and the anxiety won't go away. i keep making passive aggressive comments about her maybe cheating on me that i don't want to. another thing she says is that i need to able to be ok by my self and that she can't help me through every day which is understandable. her new standoffish behavior and my anxiety and no way to be with her physically has been really hard. I can't concentrate on anything besides trying to make sure our relationship is ok and I'm driving her away because she is sick of having to reassure me. I want to relax and believe her, but I feel like I'm giving up and letting her go if i do and she means the world to me. how do i get through this without sabotaging one of the most important things in my life?
2 Comments Post a Comment
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580755_tn?1357673215
I am in the same situation as you to a degree. Due to my anxiety I always think there is something wrong in my marriage. I am always trying to make sure everything is ok and at times it is tough for my wife to deal with.

Do you feel insecure about yourself? I know I have an insecurity issue which leads to anxiety. My advice is back off and don't worry so much about it she is giving you no reason not to trust her. But I also know doing what I asked is probably not that easy for you. Which I would then suggest seeking a therapist, which may lead to anxiety medication depending on if you have anxiety in other areas and if you can control anxiety just form therapy.
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi also. Being deployed can cause a distancing but not in a bad way. In my profession, ive deployed many many times, from Africa to Argentina. I must say its such an overwhelming experience with all the new sights, sounds, smells and area customs. You become part of this experience not just a spectator which clouds and blurrs the setting you left behind.

From what you wrote, i dont sense anything abnormal in her relating to you but to the contrary i sense she truly loves you  and not only as a future husband but as her best friend.

Be strong in yourself about your insecurities and never give up part of yourself for the affection of another. People come and go in our lives and to become distraught and anxious over possibilities is not healthy for us either physically or spiritually.
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