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898702 tn?1241804836

Please help me!!!!!!!

I know you will think me crazy after reading this......I am in a relationship for last 5 or 6 years......My boyfriend was extreamly possesive about me at first.....he used to tell me not to talk or keep friendship so much with other guys and even for same sex friends.........he used to become furious on small issues.......he stopped talking with me and a small thing like attending his call not at once..........or talking with friends when he is calling me for even a second.......he stopped talking with me.....caused harm himself.....and did lot of things........at first I cried and apologised badly.......then he stopped.......he had no other friends than me......I feel suffocated.........he was not so good in his studies........as he has a huge family problem...his parents had a separation and he saw them fighting literally from his birth........his dad is extreamly alcoholic.......his mom is almost totally psychological patient........now he had got some friends which gave me some relieves but only for some days......he tells one of his friends about every minute details of our querrel and that friend told me a lot of bad words........when he was told all these he seemed indifferent and told me his friend has done the right thing.....but when it was my friend who tried to make him understand what bad he was doing to me......he forced me to leave that friend and every contact with her........he makes friendship with those guys who didn't like me and teased me in every chance they get previously in our tution classes.........when I tell my boy friend about the guys that they are bad........he told me that it's none of his busyness to keep an eye on who had done what to me and make friend accordingly.......He misunderstands my every word......and every action......tell me very offencive languages.........punish me by stop talking for long long time.......breaking up and patch up.........i tried to commit suiside once........it changed nothing in him..........i had an abortion once.........he didn't help me at all..........rather started thinking about ownshelf.........he gets physically intimate with me some times.......but at the time of next querrel says he is feeling guilty about that.......now he is saying I am over ambitious (rather ambitious *****) and he don't like to do anything good........I am a graduate student......and starting post grad this year............he seems not interested in good jobs higher studies.......and tells as I am his girl friend I am bound to stay with him whether he do or don't do anything........i am quite a good student.......I want to study a lot........and do a good job to earn sufficient.........my parents are doctor.......where his parents are not so much educated......he has also complex that I get sufficient money from my parents where he gets nothing........i donno what to do.......why I can't leave him.........please help me.........how can I get rid of such measarable situation.........or will he be ever change???????please help me...........am feeling like getting mad..........
20 Responses
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Avatar universal
He will act as if nothing happened and then when he does not get the response he wants he will do one of two things, so be prepared.  He will either cry, I cannot live without you, I am so sorry, I will change, just please give me another chance, OR, he will start downgrading you, telling you how you will never get anyone good, calling you names, threatening.  Depends on where he is in the cycle. Just ignore him, do not respond because that is what he wants.  When you do not respond you will c what I mean.  Just watch it play out and see what I mean. Hugs
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Run, don't walk and don't turn around. Stop defending him and we all have our good qualities, but if you don't walk away now, he has the potential to physically abuse you, so run, don't walk and don't look back.  Judy
Helpful - 0
646779 tn?1281996041
Just keep it up, and stay strong. He'll move on. And no he is not a victim, that's the way abusive people keep normal people under control - with guilt tactics, to stop you finally leaving him. But honestly, he is no good for you. So keep up the strong attitude and don't give in to him.
Wish you lots of luck on this.
Helpful - 0
898702 tn?1241804836
And one more thing about him makes me mad......he always victimize himself......as if he suffers a lot due to me.......as if I am the person who is wrong in this relationship.......he is the sufferer.......he use to talk in such a manner with his friends......like "there's nothing left for me to wish" etc.... Why???????did I do anything wrong by cot tolerating his behaviors???????? Why he use such words???????I feel madly angry.......I have got high blood pressure dealing these issues day by day.........
Helpful - 0
898702 tn?1241804836
Ya it's tough am feeling it.......I don't miss him a lot........but he is now behaving strangely......sending text....and talking in a manner as if nothing happened.....I didn't talk directly to him..but reading those text s am shocked........is he mad??????Behaving in such a manner as if everything is quite normal between us.......as if he told me nothing.......as if he didn't told me not to contact him by any means.......Saying he loves me.......Hoe can he behave such normally after doing so much things????
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
linzzz, this will not be easy, just dont weaken and go back. Yes, there will be a period of sadness and you will need to give yourself time to heal, but you will. Then you will meet someone fantastic and you will be sooo glad you did this. Get out with friends, keep your mind from dwelling on him and you will come out on the other side of this. Living with someone like him can leave you depleted of self image and ability to stand on your own. Dont mistake that needy feeling as love. Good luck and keep us posted k? Hugs
Helpful - 0
898702 tn?1241804836
Thnx to you all...you all are thinking for me a lot!!!!! Thnx frnds.......I informed him that I dont want any relation with him........Trying to forget him.......and trying to be well prepared for entrance exams....Very much sad now....But hope well recover soon!!!!!!!!Thnx to you all......
Helpful - 0
902589 tn?1268148853
You need to get out of that relationship ASAP! If he miss treats you and then comes and says he is sorry and apologize and then does the same things again..HE IS NOT REALLY SORRY!! The only reason he is apologizing is because he knows you will except him back and then he will still be in CONTROL of you! You do NOT want a man who is possessive, a man who will not let you have friends, or will try to separate you from your friends. This is the kind of behavior that eventually can lead to domestic abuse. i saw this happen with TWO friends of mine, and their boyfriends/husbands acted in the SAME way as yours! my one friends husband never hit her, just verbally abused her, and was very possessive and she would try to leave but go back to him because her man was "sorry" and "apologetic" and promised he'd never behave that again, then a week later she was in a coma due to him!! PLEASE do NOT stay with this guy, it'll only get worse!!  You need to take control of yourself and he needs to get some therapy to deal with his issues! Stay somewhere safe and out of his reach. Don't even give him the change to come back around you and pretend to be sorry!
Helpful - 0
646779 tn?1281996041
''When I start ignoring him he will come to me pleading.....crying......begging........apologizing''
- Be strong and walk away or close the door, he'll survive, he'll heal - think of all the things he is doing to control and ruin your life. He doesn't like the taste of his own medicine? well why not force it upon him? Take **Control**, as he likes to do. You take it! Control of your own life, happiness and wellbeing.
I don't think you will change him, his issues are too severe to just fade out. He is emotionally and mentally abusive, and severly so too.
I agree with everyone else, no good will come of your relationship with him, you will only ever be unhappy and feel suffocated by him, but also he will drag you down with him when you could be successful and have a fulfilling life full of friends.
Take everyone's advice and leave him.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You have been given good advice by lots of people that know what they are talking about, if you do not leave him, then you may as well figure on living a life of misery and worse,let him walk all over you, you really need help, if you cant see what he is doing to you,I really do not see how any thing else can convince you that he is a violent person, and you really need to get out now, and do not wait around,   luck  jo
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
What you are experiencing is the cycle of domestic violence.  You will either have to get so fed up that you do not care what he thinks anymore. (By the way, the tears are normal part of all this), Or you simply get your stuff and go.  Usually if you have someone with you, like your parents.  The crying jag will be absent, but either the pssst off mode, or the I dont care mode will take its place. When he is gone, just leave and do not tell him ahead of time. Go somewhere safe as he may decider to stalk you for a while trying to get you to come back. Stay with Mom and Dad. Either way, eventually this will play out. Just a matter of how much you want to put up with first.
Helpful - 0
898702 tn?1241804836
When I start ignoring him he will come to me pleading.....crying......begging........apologizing.........I feel myself rude ignoring him then........I am in such a bad situation.........donno how to get rid of him.........donno how I can stop thinking about him.....stop visiting his orkut profile........stop checking my mobile for his text.......and his crying face and voice.......oh god I really donno how to ignore them.........I feel like killing myself confined in an endless tunnel which brings me in the same place again and again........I have no ray of hope.........please tell me how can I do this????????
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Sweetie, ALL abusive personalitys have a good side to them.  It is not in your best interest to ride this one out.  All familys have problems, his are not unique.  You either rise above it and make your life better or you play the victim role.  He is making excuses dear.  It is a manipulative way to get people to do what he wants, when they do not, he explodes or throws a temper tantrum like a 3 year old child. No it will not get better, and if you marry him? It will get much much worse.  Sorry, but you need to think about you, and you are not responsible for his past so why should you be the one to pay for it?
Helpful - 0
684030 tn?1415612323
I think that this guy has major personality issues; plus, there's too much drama in his crazy and chaotic life... I dated a man who was just like that, last year. Relationships with these psycho neurotic types never work.
You never know if you're going to be greeted by Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.
Wise up! At some point, you're going to have to break up with this conflicted schizo loon... the sooner the better.
Helpful - 0
898702 tn?1241804836
I think I should be more clear........as a person he is a nice one.......he is very dear to his friends......he loves them........he is very much loving and caring to those whom he loves....but until they make him angry.......he gets irritated in a very small issue......like not taking his advice.....he is sensitive more than a normal boy.......he is very much loyal.....very jolly.......he can paint very nice......has hobby of photography......real good aesthetic sense.....he as a whole an ideal guy........he is very intelligent.....he does good in studies when read properly.........but all until he gets irritated........he can love someone deeply.......and when he is angry on same person he can hurt him badly.....mentally or even physically.........he changes totally.........it is a problem........leaving him may make him worse thats why I couldn't leave him in past.........I supported him a lot......but he never acknowledge all these efforts of mine.......only accuse me........loves me dearly at times.......but most of the time shouts at me..............I can't convince my self leaving him in that condition.........as his parents are real mess.......his mother is over possesive about him and don't like even me to talk about him........his dad is alcoholic.......and never stay in a state to listen or understand anything.........he even hates his parents.........he only trusts me when he is normal...........actually he has 2 way nature I think........will he be ever normal?????Or i have to leave him???????
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
So what do you see in him? Does he have any good qualities at all?  It sounds like you need to move on and find someone more compatible.  I bet you would have a grand time if you just lost him and got your own place and hung with friends for awhile.  Why give up you just to please anyone?  Not worth it. Life is too short to spend it in misery.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You started this relationship to young, and did not have time to be a teenager, and this relationship is going nowhere. you need to get out of it and get your self esteem and your pride back, finish your schooling talk with your parents about these things also maybe a counceler. do not let him keep cortolling you, or you will end up nowhere. a person that is a bully is very insecure, and he will just drag you down in the long run where is your pride girl, he wants you this way so that he can control you, do not let him you can do better, also suicide over a man is not the answer he does not care, so leave and get on with your life you are not the first to encounter this, but be strong and get out and hold your head up hang in there luck  jo
Helpful - 0
898702 tn?1241804836
But every time I melt down by his sentimental words........and forgive him.........he takes opportunities of my weakness.............
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Your boyfriend has volitile controll issues and and you have a disfunctioning relationship. 5 -6 yrs. in a relationship is a long time and if your relationship is not functioning normally now, what will happen in the future if you marry?

This control issue is causing you to be insecure. Relationships are build on respect, trust, communication and love.  You should be able to have and make friends without having to be worried what he is going to think or do.

Suicide is never the answer. Suicide is when a person does not have the coping skills to what in reality is a temporary situation that with time will pass.

It's imporant to stay and finish school. You goal right now is to be the best that you can and this disfunctional relationship is not going to let you move. Fear will paralize you from moving forward, so if you want to continue feeling miserable continue with this disfunctional relatioship, if you want to move forward in your future, stay in school, surround yourself with a good environment, good people and friends and you are going to be just fine. I promise that in college you will have so many other great opportunities in education and new relationships.

p.s. I graduated from DePaul University here in Chicago with a degree in Communications and Marketing and I promise you will blossom in college....get rid of this anchor holding you down.  Judy
Helpful - 0
755829 tn?1246919225
Your boyfriend has some issues, you should be able to have friends and a life outside of him, his issues may be directly related to his family problems, he needs to look at these problems and seek professional, if he can not do these things than you will need to break the relationship off.
Helpful - 0
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