Please help/mom & boyfriend & family issue

Im so confused and unsure of what the right thing to do is.
Anyone else have family vs. boyfriend/fiance/husband/wife/girlfriend issues?

What I mean is....My mom is sick..and she has alot of medical problems and has to depend on me for many things..such as paying rent, bills, groceries, driving her places and holding on to her so she doesnt fall over . She has 6 siblings and a mother who has always ignored her medical problems. My mom has been trying to figure out whats wrong with her since she was a teenager...and her mother (my grandmother) never took her to the doctors...My mom's best friend was more like family going to the doctors with her and when it came down to paying for the doctor visits my Grandmother refused to hand over insurance cards so my mom could pay for the doctor bills...."What do you need them for...theres nothing wrong with you" My mom was young at the time and it was her best friend pushing her to find out whats going on....because she tries to minimize her problems because her family has always ignored that she is sick and that there is something wrong. My mom has mini-strokes upon many other physical problems. Anyway....my mom ended up being in the hospital for a week...she lost a lot of weight with in a week..they ran all kinds of tests on her...and still cant seem to figure it out...after 47yrs..and we kept that fact that she was in the hospital only between me..my bf, my moms best friend and another good friend from church who has been more like family. We get home and My mom always answers the phone when my grandma calls...and I know she would have given her **** for being in the hospital and my mom just really doesnt need the extra stress//so I called her myself and she asked how we were...I said well my mom was in the hospital for a week....She starts saying that its not fair to me.......and shes sorry that I shouold have called someone. Then my mom gets on the phone and one of the first things my grandma says to her is > "Your putting to much on your daughter" OMG thats something you dont say to someone who was just in the hospital.......my mom does not need to be feeling guilty for her health problems that she cant control. Its so sickening to me. Then my Grandmother calls up my aunt(my moms younger sister) and uncle and probably everyone else in the family complaining that we didnt let anyone know. Next day we get a phone call from my aunt saying " I heard you were in the hospital for a week and couldnt call anyone you both should be ashamed of yourself's" and hung up. WOW not even a .....ya know 'im upset you didnt call me, next time make sure you call ....but how are you doing now...i hope your doing better....NOPE of course not.

ANYWAY- to make a long story a little shorter my mom wants to go visit my grandma which is 3hrs away, to be treated like ****....and im not having it. She says I can spend one night that it wont be that bad because its just my grandma...and not the whole family/ I told her im not going..they are just causing too much stress. She keeps fighting with me that she wants to get out of the house which I dont blame her with the fact that shes stuck in the house alot because I have work and school.....so I can get a better job to make money so we could go away for the weekend once in awhile...I feel bad that she doesnt get to get out much...and I offered to go with her to a local beach with just me and nope // shes very stubborn and started saying hurtful things like I dont do anything for her and im spoiled and just some real hurtful things and that she should have so no to me when I was a kid....and she said "I can suffer one day and stay the night there at my grandma's"
The thing is I have to see my mom put up with my Grandmas **** and not say a word...and then when we get home she complains complains complains about her mother that im just so tired of this stress.

My boyfriend doesnt like my family of course like I dont.....they are very fake and then talk behind your back.
My boyfriend agrees with me about how they cause too much stress for my mom and I ...and that my mom is in the wrong for trying to make me feel guilty and by trying to get me to go to a dysfunctional get together.

My mom has gotten a dizzy spell went flying on the floor and my grandma turns around and says omg and WALKS AWAY.....they just dont get it.....and my mom just wants to go back for more. I really dont get it..
her excuse is "the bible says to honor your mother and father" but alls her mother does is treat her like ****.

My boyfriend is done with the stress of me stressing over it he see's how it effects me and doesnt like it...
he said he's breaking up if I go with my mom to visit my grandma....he says next time she brings it up to leave the house and go to his house....but then I feel bad because my mom is sick...but then shes making me feel guilty for not going to my grandma's to be treated like ****........
I dont know what to do please any one know what the right thing is? She wont drop it.......and im her transportation there...and I feel bad and am willing to go somewhere else with her...but she says I want to go out of state on vacation.......(but we dont have the money for that)so shes insisting on going to see my grandma///

please any advice......willl be greatly appreciated.

[slow_healer]

Your mom is a grown woman who, regardless of her medical problems, is responsible for her own happiness - NOT you. Similarly, you are also a grown woman responsible for your own happiness.

It sounds like your mom struggles with feeling valued. Maybe she needs the pity and attention you give her when you see how her mom mistreats her to feel important. If that's the case, I think you need to have more faith in the fact that you are a supportive daughter who has stuck by her mom, and not give in to your mother's guilt antics. She's doing the same to you that your grandmother is probably doing to her (is it possible that your mom feels too guilty or unworthy to *not* see her mother, just as you feel too guilty to not listen to your mom?). This isn't a healthy relationship. Once again, you can take care of her but you can NOT make her happy. Only she can choose to be happy and make choices that avoid unhappiness.

My advice? Start drawing clear limits on what is acceptable (e.g. you will get her groceries, but not take on the issues she has with her mom). Repeat to yourself that you ARE a good daughter. You are NOT selfish for taking charge of your own life and happiness. Recognizing a bad situation (e.g. playing peacemaker between your mom and grandma) and choosing to avoid it is a sign of a mentally healthy person. Your mom may never be able to recognize that, but that's not nearly as important as *you* being able to recognize it.

Dysfunctional family dynamics can be very hard to break because they have years and years of bad habits reinforcing them. Sometimes when one person tries to straighten their own life out (such as how you are struggling with maintaining a healthy committed relationship with your boyfriend), other family members will intensify their behavior to pull that person back into the dynamic. You've got a loving boyfriend who supports and believes in you - treasure that. Treasure your own ability to make good decisions and take care of yourself. If possible, consider seeing a counsellor specifically for dealing with your family dynamics. Good luck!

[AnxiousGurl]

Thank you Slow_healer...
I left you a note.

[RockRose]

GJ - family dynamics are weird.

Is it possible your mother isn't sick?   Do you have confirmation of any kind of illness - besides her description of her symptoms - that leads you to believe she is truly ill?

And where are the men in your family?  Besides mom,  grandma and aunts,  are there men too?  

Best wishes.

[AnxiousGurl]

They cant figure it out....there is something wrong shes been to several doctors who can plainly see ...they thought it was MS, parkinsons, and tested her for celiac, did a bloods, and medals test, she's had several MRI's done which come back normal, shes had the lymes and everything. My mom has 4 brothers who arent really there for us, one uncle is here and there when he wants to be., my boyfriend is and has been the only man..for 5yrs now. & I just recently decided to search for my father, seeing how my mom is not getting any better...(thats a whole nother story) Im very happy I chose to look for him. He's a good person who is there for me know....but he lives in a different state so we constantly keep in touch through phone and email..Ive never met him.....and we plan on meeting in the near future!

[AnxiousGurl]

My uncles have never really been there...I dont blame them they have their own families and lives...its always been me and my mom. But for example on a specific incident......My mom and I had to move because our lanlord wanted to sell the apt.....so we had to search for an affordable apartment...and we later learned that my uncles all got together to do charity work and help build a new house for someone they knew in highschool who ended up in a wheelchair....and theres their sister not in good health....and yea....thats my family for you.

[AnxiousGurl]

Let me just say me and my mom are close like best friends...always there for each other....Ive always been by her side...and we can talk about anything..she has always been there to listen to me when I needed someone to talk to. and vise versa....
My mom and I made an agreement that we would stay away from the family...she's said...she's done with them. But now she wants to go...just to get out of the house...which I said lets go somewhere else.but no it has to be to her mothers....even though it upsets her when she gets the treatment she does. She is threatening to go rent a car and drive up there herself......She cant drive though she's on disability..and if she has a mini-stroke she could get in to a car accident. I just dont know what to do....I hate fighting with her over this and I feel so guilty.

[AnxiousGurl]

Sorry guys,,,,,,

If I go im not only surrounded by negativity...but also seeing my mom sit their and take her CR*P...when I was a child...I had no choice or say...but now I have a say and decide it is not the best thing to go see my grandmother....and have told my mom if she wants to ride up with her brother go right ahead...but I refuse to deal with that...
the thing is she wants to go this weekend(and wanted to go last weekend) but my uncles not going up there yet....so she has no transportation to get there until my uncle and his family decide to go.

[msgorgeous]

so your saying you either chose to go with your mom and lose your boyfriend or you stay and keep your boyfriend? im sorry he shouldnt give you that choice if he loves you he will support you no matter what you decide to do. And maybe your mom is hoping that your grandmother will change she might want her mothers love. everyone longs for there mothers love. or maybe your grandmother is dying and your mom wants to see her before she does .

[AnxiousGurl]

My grandmother is in better health than my mom. & my boyfriend is just tired of the stress it puts on me....and in turn puts on him.
I have always  went to the family occasions for my mom, to make her happy, but in turn I get treated like **** and she does too. My cousins are always A*holes to me and disrespectful. Im just tired of it. This time I said with my boyfriend on this....even though its not right to give me that ultimatum...he just knows how I give in and say yes all the time...to just come home upset crying and stressed out over family issues. And then I feel guilty because my mom hasnt gone anywhere this summer...because her health has gone downhill fast and I am worried about her..One side of me thinks maybe I should go, just so we will stop fighting over this...but then my mom and I get treated like cr*p and then we come home and I come home to no love of my life being by my side. All of the times ive went to the family get togethers Ive regretted even going.now I feel im finally sticking up for myself...but in turn stressed because my mom wont let it go....she says things to make me feel guily and that I can suffer a weekend there.

[AnxiousGurl]

Sorry I typoed

"This time I Side (not said) with my bf this time"

[slow_healer]

I say let your mom go. She knows she's ill and yet she insists on creating this stress regardless. This is selfish behavior (I'm sick, but I'm so stubborn that I'm going to put my life at risk to see someone who will treat me badly? Does this sound like rational behavior?). You haven't been unreasonable. You have an uncle whose going to see your grandma. Your mother has chosen not to wait, regardless of her illness an your autonomy as a human being. That's her choice.

I understand that it's difficult because you and your mom are so close, but the extent to which you are entrenched in your mom's well-being - emotional, not just physical - is not healthy. It's not a parent's job to be their child's best friend - it's their job to be a *parent*. However unfair her upbringing was, it's not your job to fix it. Neither is it your job to embrace it or sacrifice your well-being to make up for her family situation. And frankly, it's not too difficult to see you repeating this pattern with your own kids when you start looking back and realizing how unfair it was for you to give up your youth (and possibly relationship) for your mother. It sounds like your mom is stuck in seeking validation from her mom, and you're stuck in hoping your mom will act like an adult and validate your feelings as her child. It's a dysfunctional cycle that your boyfriend can see you're being pulled into. That's why he's so worried.

Anyhow, it's up to you. Your life doesn't have to be like this forever, but I really think it will take some counselling before you'll be able to really see how things could change for the better. When you're engulfed in constant drama it's almost impossible to see a way out without either (a) abandoning your family (then feeling so guilty that you return) or (b) just giving in and telling yourself that your own happiness really isn't that important. There is a middle ground - a much healthier, fulfilling middle ground. But it may take some extra life skills to see it, and those can take time to learn. Good luck!

[msgorgeous]

Well i think youve made a good choice, you need to look out for your own happiness to. If your moom wants to go then she can go with her brother,If she gets mad at you for not taking her all you can do is wait inbtill it passes...you could plan a surprise trip within the next month or even sooner have it all planned out. then take her,im sure she will be greatful. if you dont want to go i dont think you shuld have to. sorry your family behaves in such a rude manner, every family is differant i wish you the best of luck :)

[AnxiousGurl]

I will just have to let her know that I will not go..and if she wants to go she will just have to wait until her brother goes......

In the meantime as {msgorgeous} said i think i will plan a trip somewhere maybe around christmas since her birthday is coming up around that time.

Slow_healer you brought me to tears & thank you both very much for your insights im truly thankful for your responses.

[jo929]

I did not catch your age if you gave it or your moms, have you ever went to your Granmothers house on your own, and just asked her why she has such a negative attitude towords you mom? it is not natural for the whole family to turn against her, how did your mom treat you as a child also how did your granmother treat you, this does not sound normal for the whole family to treat her this way.ask them and find out why, also your mom chooses to visit your granmother, so drop her off, and you go with your boyfriend, because if this keeps up you will lose the man you love, he will not stand by forever, their are agencies that come out and do for the sick if they have medicare,since i do not know the whole situation, i cant give a good ans, but you must have a life of your own, if you choose to live hers you will have none of your own. you may get upset, but you really need to think of making your mom a little less dependent on you     luck  jo

[AnxiousGurl]

I have put my Grandmother in her place a couple times...and it didnt get me anywhere..
My Grandma acts like we have a perfect family...My mom had to repeatedly ask if something happened to her maybe when she was born or something....and my Grandma would always say no, theres nothing wrong with you, nothing happened, finally after 20years she finally confessed to my mom that she had seizures when she was little....And I asked my grandmother over the phone what exactly is my mom's medical history so we can figure this whole thing out....and also for my health benefit.....My grandma's reply was "Your mom was a perfect baby" Which..she later told me she had seizures when she was 2 ....WOW that doesnt sound like a perfectly healthy baby to me. Why would you hide that from your daughter for 20 years...and then your grandaughter.
My grandma may have wanted to treat my mom like she was a normal kid like everyone else in the family.....but by ignoring and withholding critical info is just messed up to save herself the embarrassment maybe I dont know...One day I will confront her about this. I think my mom just wants to be loved and accepted by her mother....but I think my Grandma is sort of resentful that she's sick or something I dont quite understand it. But growing up she would call her fat and say "Poor (her name)" and just was ignored and mistreated. Im not going to get into it too much. When I was a child I got the same treatment........when I was at my Grandma's house one day I must have been 6 or  7 years old I had a stomach ache and was crying and laying on the couch, my mom went to the store to pick up something to make me feel better and I can hear my Grandma and two aunts saying I was acting...by the time my mom got back I was feeling a little better and wasnt crying as much and probably feeling much better because I wasnt left alone with them anymore and glad to see my mom......tthey go OH she stops crying now cause her moms back.,

She does have health aide's come to the apt to help her with things........
I am always going out to do things for her because she cant anymore....and she has become too dependent upon me and ive let her because im constantly worrying about her..

im in my early 20's my mom is 48

[AnxiousGurl]

As for my boyfriend....he hates when I go to the family functions because he knows how they are.....and he knows I only go to please my mom. He's tired of me going and coming back stressed out...he told me he's not coming with me anymore he doesnt like them and how they treat us, and he is at his end with the stress it puts on me and after so many times of giving in and going hes tired of it and wont put up with it anymore...which honestly I dont blame him. He's asked me so many times not go...sometimes I feel at a tug a war...and he knows it and finally said if you go, then i'll be gone.