Please offer advice..I feel shattered

[lost_myself]

I am 40. look young 30ish and am in good shape. I met a wonderful young woman who is 23, 4 1/2 months ago. We live 3 hours apart but spent the first to weeks together before i had to return to work.We have seen each other every 2 weeks for a weekend.We have talked everyday and sent numerous emails. I would email her a link to a different love song everyday. We felt comfortble enough to say i love you on occasion. We had our first fight 2 fridays ago ,we talked , resolved it and moved on. I saw her thursday and spent the night. friday we talked and all seemed fine. Saturday morning she called to say she didnt want to see me any more. She was callous and short, when i tried to talk about it she said she had to go and hung up. later i called her and we talked for four hours. She said her friends are important to her & she is tired of having to defend me with her friends and agrees with alot of what they are saying ( due to the age difference).this was never an issue before today. Also that we would never all get to hang out due to thier issues with me..i've only met one of them for about 2 hours?? So any way she said goodbye and hung up. last i heard from her.. I begged her, I offered to meet them and let them get to know me I told her i would do anything she thought was neccessary and she simply said ..I can't. i have cried for 2 days,i feel sick and weak like my heart was ripped from my chest. How could she just walk away without a second thought over something so trivial? I asked even for just a chance , just any thing to try and not this great thing be wasted , again I can't was her response. Please offer any advice.How could she tell me she loved me friday and erase me from her life saturday?

[Judy246]

The age difference is bothering her and I'm sure her friends make comments on it. Also, although you look much younger for your age, there is a maturity difference. I have a 16 yr. niece with the maturity of a 23 yr., but the reality is that she is still 16. I know men in their 40's with the maturity of 20 yr. old and it's unattractive.

You feel in love, but she is at an age where she is not ready to be exclusive, so accept what you can't change, take some time to get yourself back on track, surround yourself with family, good friends and a good environment and move forward. I'm sure there a great, beautiful girl just waiting to meet you (also, target women in their 30's the next time around)...your going to be ok...one day at a time.

[lost_myself]

thank you for the kind words..I need anything i can get im at work today and still shaking and  feeling sick UGH!!!! Much appreciated !

[Judy246]

p.s.There is also the possiblity that she met someone else. So, it's either she met someone that she would like to get to know, friend's comments have affected her view of the relationship, age is definately a factor. Also, how would her mother who is probably a little bit older than you, react to her 23 yr. daugher with a 40 yr. old man. That would not be acceptable in my home, but that's just my family. If she truly was in love with you (although she did say she was), there would be no one, no friends, family, etc, that would stop her from wanting to be with you all the time. Accept what you can't cange and move forward.

[cole898989]

I’m sorry you are hurting. Things ended like that for me too, in my last relationship. One day we are in love, being sweet...the next one small thing ruins it all, and we are at an end without a word.
I think it might comfort you to know, she probably doesn’t "not love you" any more. I think she just has this decision stuck in her head, and she is sticking to it. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Find comfort in the face that you seem like a very caring individual. I’m so positive you will find someone who will reciprocate all the love you have for them, so no worries there.

Like Judy said (she has helped me through a TON) now is the time to focus on YOU. Treat yourself to something nice. Spend time with buddies, keep yourself super busy. Listen to guided meditations when you can’t sleep (if you need some, send me a message and I will send you the link).
Hope you are doing well, and know this crapppyyyyy crappy feeling will end eventually

[Judy246]

Thanks Cole..hope your doing better.

Also Lost_myself, your emotions can be either facilitating or debilitating and if not properly managed can affect every aspect of your life and work life and that wouldn'nt be productive. From this point on accept the loss, focus on you. Take care of you and be the best you can be. Never permit anyone to has such power and control over your emotions. It's not woth it. Join a gym, go jogging, running, biking, invite friends out for a drink and love will happen at the right time and naturally. I know...been there, done that.

[jo929]

It would appear that she does not return your feelings, also i think that she has a lot of growing to do, you have had your share of the 20 age also the 30, and you have sowed your wild oats so to speak, she has not had time to live the years you have, and she does not seem to return your feelings, it is better that you know now than later down the road, maybe a woman near your age would understand you better why not try dating a woman near your own age, or do you prefer a younger woman, some men do  some do not I think you should let it go as it seems that you both are not into the same thing, and age plays a big part in this a woman that really cares for a man does not let her friends decide for her or interfere in her decisions , i am sorry that you were hurt but it is time to move on, and time to let her go on with her life  luck  jo

[megochick101]

I agree with Jo. If she really loved you and cared for you, it wouldn't matter what anyone thinks about you. She would still be with you. She's only 23, like me, but she sounds a little immature if she's throwing a relationship away based on one conflict. She is definitely not ready for commitment, and probably hasn't seen or experienced much of the world and is still probably learning who she is and want she wants out of life.

The best thing you can do for yourself now is try and forget about her. If you have pictures of her put them away, erase messages/emails/whatever and just stop contact. Get in touch with friends and just focus on you for a bit. Start a new hobby, just try and keep busy to get her off your mind.

[worried159]

well i think that either she's using her friends as an excuse to get out of the relatinship because if she cared that deeply for you she would tell her friends that if your my friend then you'll be happy for me. Another thing is that last time that you saw her did anything unusual happen? sex for the first time? im sorry i no thats personal. but if so maybe she wasnt comfortable. do you have lots of money by chance and she doesn't? she could have been using you. I hope this helps.

[lost_myself]

Thanks soo much for all of the input i think there's great advice and truth in all of it. Since i posted the original i have spoken to her a couple of times and feel that it is her friends and family ..i think she is too young to stand the hard ground that she would have to in alienating family and friends. On tuesday i got to speak to her when she was alone she told me she loved me and missed me and wanted to meet face to face and talk. On wednesday she said her family wanted to talk to me and for me not to contact her that she would be staying with her best friend for a while. NONE of them know me, i met her best friend for maybe 2 hours never anyone else but, Im sure they think that they are protecting her from something (as in a 40 year old guy could only want one thing from a 23 year old) and i can't make her bear the wieght that must be on her shoulders so i told her I would not contact her. Meanwhile im still dieing and trying to cope...  thanks again all..

[Jennifer1987]

You seem so sweet, not many good men left out there, well in Ireland anyway! But that also applies for women! The good ones are either in strong happy relationships or single but in emotionally unavilable!

The thing about relationships is that they are unpredictable, my last one broke my heart, left me depressed and confused with everything... Im only 22 and already have lost all faith in men. But the way I look at it is, its his loss not mine!! I think this is what you show think, she made the decision to end the relationship and when she realises that there anen't many good men out there she will wonder why she ended.

To me age is just a number, but not every girl sees it that way! learn from this and move on! Thank your lucky stars it ended before things got more complicated and the relationship got longer! Then it hurts more.

Hope you find happiness and a woman who deserves you.

Take care
Jen

[lost_myself]

Thanks Jen. It ***** having to got through this. The worst part is I dont think its her or I... its people,who may have the best intentions, but are  sticking their f'n noses where they shouldn't..we REALLY had no issues or problems with each other from day one the day after our first date ,we decided to spend two weeks in a hotel together and it was blissful, we didn't get on each others nerves, liked the same tv shows/movies, were happy just chillin on the couch and talking  and I cant help but feel we are both being cheated out of something precious.....

[jo929]

you said her parents wanted to meet with you, if you loved her why did you not meet with them
one thing that bothers me is the fact that yiou said the day after your first date you spent 2 weeks in a hotel, i can see why you 2 are not together anymore, if it is just sex that holds you together, that does not say much for either of you, and if i were her family i would say a lot to her and want to meet you also 2 weeks  oh well i can see the picture much better now  jo

[lost_myself]

please reread my posts carefully before pasing judgement. We were together for 4 1/2 months . There was sex in the hotel ( i was staying in  hotel because i met her while i was out of town) but if you read the post we spent most of the time watching movies and talking to get to know one another before i had to go back home. Maybe I wasn't clear in my post but, her family didnt want to "meet" me i said they wanted to talk to me,as in they wanted to tell me to stay away from her without the benefit of meeting me or knowing who i am or what my intentions were. they made a judgement about me, as her friends did based on our age difference and not anything else...

[Rosa20]

well let me just say that age my dear is only a number! I think that its the two of you and not everyone else...even though it willl be hard having her family and friends against the two of you together( for w.e the reason may be) im guessing its the age difference..but if thats teh case you have to remember that its her life..she chooses who she wants to be with and if thats you her family and friends should clearly suppoort!!! Things  like that only make a relationship stronger!! Good luck!! :) oh and im sure if they opened up and actually took time to meet you then they would love you!!

[Rosa20]

also i would let her have her little space...after all the defending she just needs time to cool off and relize she misses you!!! I really dont think she would say she loves you unless it was ttrue!  She was fighting which means she does love you! I think shes confused with everyone always aat her! She will come around!! If not then you also have to remember that theres always someone else out there..i believe there is someone for everyone!! Believe it!!!

[lost_myself]

Thanks for the kind words Rosa. :)

[jo929]

Sorry if i stepped on your toes, but if you had put the part about after your first date you spent 2 weeks in Hotel, i would say it was lust and not love, and i think the girl may think this also who knows  jo

[Beargizmo]

I think Judy shows a lot of wisdom in her replies..there is a BIG maturity difference between 40 and 23..I have a 20 year old daughter who much do out dismay was seeing a 30 year old guy and we tried to get her to see it..she didn't.  Until one day..when she came home and said "I'm sorry...you were so right"....I would not be so crazy about my 24 yr old daughter being involved with a man 40 years old...still a maturity difference, and the age and likes and dislikes and other factors must be considered.  I'm sorry...I know it hurts....but time to move on..


Jim

[Judy246]

Thank you Jim and it's good to hear from you...it's been a while since you posted!

I speak from my heart and experience and I do hope that my wisdom through my experiences can help someone avoid being hurt or how to handle a heartbreak. It tought journey. Good to hear from you again.